Preparing Travel Day With Cats and Withdrawal Plan

01HX38VPW8MPK673ABC6MJ4G0T

PUBLIC

May 5, 2024 rswfire PUBLISHED

Temp 0.40

Density 0.70

Energetic Quality

unguarded, low-tempo, honest

Journey Phase

transitional — pre-departure

Directional Vector

toward chosen mobility and unmediated self-presentation, away from chemical dependency and conflict

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Chapters

Transcript

[0:01] good morning guys I got the sun behind

[0:04] me

[0:06] hopefully hopefully you'll be able you

[0:08] know it's a decent picture you know just

[0:12] blocking it still waking up I'm having

[0:16] trouble waking up today for some

[0:18] reason cats are really getting on my

[0:21] nerves today I'm just going to roll some

[0:23] cigarettes out

[0:25] here um when they started putting they

[0:28] started making the filter fire safe

[0:31] putting fire retardant in

[0:34] them you know I started rowing my own I

[0:37] just didn't like it and I mean smoking

[0:40] is bad enough as it is and then they add

[0:41] a fire

[0:43] retardant no thank you so I'm rolling my

[0:46] cigarettes for the day it's a messy I do

[0:49] it

[0:51] outside

[0:53] um cats one out they don't have their

[0:56] stuff it's a travel day you

[0:58] know they don't understand

[1:02] that really not sure what to expect from

[1:06] them um don't think this will be easy

[1:09] for them which means it won't be easy

[1:11] for me cuz they can be very

[1:15] stressful um it's kind of a test because

[1:19] you know I've never moved it with all my

[1:21] stuff in there like this um the baskets

[1:24] up on the ceiling sort of and don't know

[1:27] how it's going to go

[1:30] so I got to keep them in their carriers

[1:31] and they're going to hate

[1:33] that you know and they don't understand

[1:36] so they just think I'm torturing

[1:39] [Music]

[1:41] them and I'm just trying to keep them

[1:43] safe you know it is like raising

[1:45] children I guess I see it just feels

[1:48] that way all the time with these

[1:51] two you know it's not a bad thing it's

[1:56] just complaining today guys I I'm

[1:58] actually not in a good mood today I

[2:00] don't know I'm just not so someone had

[2:03] suggested I take St John's wart because

[2:05] of withdrawal and I started taking it

[2:07] and I'm wondering if maybe I shouldn't

[2:09] be maybe it's affecting my

[2:11] mood um I took it this morning too and

[2:14] when I took it I'm like maybe I

[2:16] shouldn't be taking this stuff like

[2:18] maybe it's not for

[2:20] me um but I am not going through a draw

[2:24] the moment kind of up to my what I was

[2:27] taking and cuz I knew I had to move

[2:31] and um you know I didn't want to be

[2:34] going through that while I'm trying to

[2:36] navigate all this stuff when I get to

[2:38] the campground though I'm dumping my

[2:40] pills and for the next week that I'm

[2:43] there I don't know how long it will take

[2:45] but from that moment on I'm going to be

[2:48] going through true withdrawal like cold

[2:51] turkey I'm just going to dump my pills

[2:53] just going to be done with

[2:55] them so you might not hear from me for a

[2:58] few days cuz I'm matching it's not going

[3:01] to be fun fun for

[3:04] me but I'll get through it and then

[3:07] hopefully life gets

[3:09] better been wanting to get off them for

[3:11] years I don't you know they are

[3:14] addictive they are they're

[3:17] opiates

[3:19] and they helped

[3:22] me until they stop topping me you know

[3:25] that's what they're like and I don't

[3:28] want to I just I don't want to take that

[3:30] was one of the reasons I wanted to do I

[3:32] had a lot of reasons for wanting to do

[3:33] that you know it's kind of like you wear

[3:34] the pros and cons of things and I

[3:37] imagine a different life doing this and

[3:40] I'm following through on that so kind of

[3:44] thinking

[3:45] about how I'm going to handle today I've

[3:48] got like 5 hours before I need to be out

[3:50] of

[3:51] here um I need to drain my

[3:54] tanks um I think that's going to be real

[3:56] hard with my cats so

[4:00] I'm just not sure how to handle this I'm

[4:02] going to have to bring in the slide you

[4:05] know the cats will need to be in their

[4:08] carriers and then I just drive down

[4:10] there drain my tanks with them in the

[4:12] carriers and I come back cook up my

[4:14] Jeep um guess I let them roam around in

[4:17] there with the slide in guess that's the

[4:20] approach I'll take they're not going to

[4:23] understand any of this I hope they get

[4:24] used to

[4:26] it they're being monsters this morning

[4:32] um so it feels like my Channel's picked

[4:35] up a little bit like people are

[4:37] commenting a lot more I really

[4:38] appreciate that I

[4:40] do um a lot of opinions that's for sure

[4:43] and I'm just trying

[4:45] to I am the kind of person who's

[4:47] susceptible to other people's opinions I

[4:49] have to be real careful about

[4:51] that

[4:54] um

[4:58] so part I don't know I'm really

[5:00] struggleing with this guys I'm

[5:01] struggling with all of it I just am you

[5:04] know I'm going to be honest with you

[5:05] it's not this is not easy for me none of

[5:08] this is easy for me this isn't natural

[5:11] for me this isn't my this

[5:14] isn't

[5:17] like my instincts don't work this way

[5:19] like I

[5:20] just I'm I'm pushing myself outside my

[5:23] comfort zone every single moment of the

[5:25] day it feels like lately and I just

[5:28] um you know I'm doing this because I

[5:30] want to do it it's just that it's

[5:32] there's it's not natural to me like my

[5:35] impulse is to do the opposite I like to

[5:38] cut myself off from

[5:40] people

[5:42] and if you know if they've wronged me in

[5:44] some way that's how I tend to handle

[5:46] conflict is I just cut people off I

[5:49] think I learned that from my

[5:51] upbringing I'm I'm guessing I honestly

[5:54] don't know on that one um

[6:01] like I avoid conflict at all cost I will

[6:04] avoid conflict I'll do anything that I

[6:06] have to do to avoid

[6:09] it

[6:10] um but I just I'm finding that that's

[6:13] not a good way to live I don't feel like

[6:15] it's done me any favors so I'm trying to

[6:18] trying to live different and it's hard

[6:21] but I'm doing it I'm nervous today about

[6:24] this

[6:27] um drive it's not a long way though it's

[6:30] only an hour I guess it's not so much

[6:32] the drive I'm nervous about cuz it isn't

[6:34] very

[6:35] long just you know I'm navigating all

[6:38] new situation I've never done this I'm

[6:40] by myself like it's it's easier for some

[6:44] people than others I think I don't know

[6:46] I really don't know I'm don't want to

[6:49] make

[6:51] assumptions sometimes I wish that there

[6:53] was someone I could just talk to that

[6:55] has been through all of this and on

[6:57] their own and just get their perspective

[7:01] like was this hard for

[7:03] them you know was it challenging did

[7:07] they feel like I'm feeling right now or

[7:08] was it easy you know is it just me

[7:16] um at the end of the day I guess it

[7:18] doesn't matter because you know I just

[7:21] have to get through it I'm going to do

[7:23] it

[7:24] somehow this is a very different life

[7:26] guys I'm not going to sugarcoat it for

[7:28] you in the Sun this channel I will never

[7:30] do that it is not all good it is not

[7:35] living in a tiny space like that is hard

[7:38] very hard especially when you have cats

[7:41] or any kind of pet I would imagine but

[7:43] these cats man it's difficult like

[7:47] Bailey was up near my head when we were

[7:49] sleeping

[7:51] and M was down at the bottom of the bad

[7:54] like there just you know it's a small

[7:57] space for all of us

[8:00] there's nowhere for your stuff you can't

[8:01] have a lot of stuff like I had to get

[8:03] rid of all my books

[8:05] and you know things that I loved um but

[8:09] I chose this you know so I don't want to

[8:12] sound like I'm complaining I just want

[8:14] to be real with you this is

[8:17] not I gave up a lot to do this and I

[8:20] guess now I'm wondering if it was worth

[8:22] it I did not know I was going to tell

[8:24] you that I didn't know I was thinking

[8:28] it um

[8:31] I think it was worth it honestly God I

[8:33] do so it's not like a strong feeling I

[8:36] have

[8:37] but I don't know is it self-doubt

[8:41] maybe I don't think so in this case

[8:43] because I'm not really doubting myself

[8:46] and this experience is just different I

[8:49] don't know how I feel about it I mean

[8:51] showering is

[8:53] different um taking care of yourself was

[8:57] already hard for me I can't like here

[8:59] that's going to be real hard like it's a

[9:01] small

[9:02] bathroom um I haven't taken great care

[9:04] of myself since I got here I'm just

[9:06] going to be honest about it um I think

[9:08] that's pretty obvious really probably

[9:11] show twice

[9:13] guys um and like the last week or

[9:17] something

[9:19] just you know and I always wanted to

[9:22] like take better care of my face and

[9:24] stuff and you know I actually I don't

[9:26] know if you've seen it like like I'm not

[9:28] hitting anything from you guys but I

[9:29] also hav't like pointed stuff out like

[9:31] there's this list I have of hygiene

[9:33] tasks um you might have seen it in one

[9:35] of my videos sometime you know and I'm

[9:37] not doing that and I want to I was I

[9:40] made it when I was at home it feels way

[9:43] harder to do here in a

[9:46] camper I just got to figure it

[9:48] out

[9:51] um if you just do more things outdoors

[9:54] like I am right now it's a little bit

[9:56] cold but it's also nice it's real nice

[9:58] out

[10:01] my cats are not happy but I can't deal

[10:03] with that right

[10:07] now

[10:10] yeah I don't know we're pretty close to

[10:13] being ready to go it's not a whole lot

[10:15] that I need to do

[10:17] really as far as packing up and stuff

[10:20] and bring the slide in and see how

[10:22] things are going should check my tires

[10:25] see how they're doing on air um the ones

[10:28] that I can I think I'm trying to bust

[10:30] out the

[10:31] door

[10:34] wow

[10:37] wow yeah it's challenging with these two

[10:41] these are not like other cats that I've

[10:43] had in my life and I've had a bunch

[10:45] these cats are different they

[10:48] are I don't know what they are

[10:55] different so

[10:59] what is this working doing

[11:03] anyway I why you I don't understand

[11:05] people come back here in a vehicle and

[11:07] then just what are they doing back here

[11:10] this is a campground it's not the

[11:13] park what are they

[11:18] doing so someone today told me I should

[11:20] be safe um not say where I'm at but and

[11:25] I debated it I just don't see the point

[11:27] it's not like it would be hard to figure

[11:29] out out right

[11:31] so um what's the point really if

[11:34] something happens to me at least at

[11:36] least it happened to me doing what I

[11:39] trying to do something that I think I

[11:40] will

[11:41] love that's how I'm looking at that so

[11:44] don't worry about me guys I'll be

[11:46] fine probably if I'm not I'm not you

[11:50] know I've had a long life I'm okay with

[11:54] I'm okay with you know whatever

[11:56] happens I think

[11:59] [Music]

[12:01] um me I feel like they're back here

[12:03] stealing firewood I think that's what

[12:05] they're

[12:06] doing oh

[12:13] funny I'm by myself I do like that part

[12:16] feels

[12:21] nice I wonder what this next place will

[12:23] be

[12:24] like I'm on a group site and I'll be

[12:26] right on the beach I think that's going

[12:27] to be interesting I bet it makes a

[12:29] colder

[12:31] though um I have recorded some other

[12:34] videos this morning and maybe I'll clip

[12:37] them together at the end it was a rough

[12:40] morning for

[12:42] me it was it still

[12:46] is but I guess I'm struggling

[12:51] with adapting to this new life it's

[12:56] different but it wouldn't be better for

[12:59] me to be in the house it wouldn't be

[13:01] better like and it's like okay so what

[13:04] am

[13:06] I have I still not figured out where I

[13:08] need to be like I don't

[13:12] know I had to try something new I had

[13:16] to um and it's probably too soon for me

[13:19] to be judging it so I shouldn't be doing

[13:22] that and I should be open-minded also

[13:26] like trying

[13:33] um wait for these guys to go

[13:38] by you steing

[13:42] firewood

[13:47] um feels like it's going to be a nice

[13:52] day

[13:55] does so my follow account has been

[13:58] fluctuating I'm bringing this up for a

[14:01] reason and I totally get it cuz the way

[14:03] I've been talking about YouTube and you

[14:07] know

[14:09] um guys I'm so complicated like I'm

[14:12] complicated to myself like I have a very

[14:14] hard time sometimes understanding my own

[14:17] motivations and it takes me a while to

[14:20] process it all and what I'm doing I'm

[14:22] processing stuff with you guys I

[14:24] normally wouldn't do that so I need you

[14:26] to just try to be patient with me cuz

[14:29] eventually it becomes clear you can't

[14:31] assume that everything I say to you is

[14:33] like the final word on something

[14:36] um it's a process for me like I'm

[14:38] learning to I'm just this is just my

[14:42] process I don't want to keep saying the

[14:44] same word it's like this is how I

[14:45] process the world though this is

[14:48] how um I learn to understand how I feel

[14:52] about

[14:53] something if I if it comes down to

[14:55] emotions and feelings

[14:57] then it's not straight straightforward

[14:59] for me it never is there are layers to

[15:05] it

[15:08] okay you know I mean yeah part of me

[15:10] would love to have like a strong

[15:12] following on YouTube and maybe even make

[15:14] some money on here but I don't think

[15:16] that that's the biggest part of me by

[15:18] far

[15:19] because the negative side of that would

[15:22] really not make me happy at

[15:25] all so um and also you know people

[15:29] coming it just you feel a little bit

[15:30] judged I it's hard not to right so

[15:35] um someone unsubscribed from you it's

[15:38] like they're rejecting you and I've have

[15:40] a problem with that I've been abandoned

[15:42] in my life many times and I've been

[15:45] rejected many times like it's so you

[15:49] know that's there it is that's that's

[15:53] what I was trying to get at finally see

[15:55] came out takes

[15:57] time um

[16:00] nobody wants to be

[16:02] rejected also I shouldn't care though

[16:04] because I mean it's literally someone

[16:06] I've never met don't even know who it is

[16:13] right oh man the birds this

[16:17] morning I don't know why I don't like

[16:19] birds just

[16:23] don't I've never liked Birds I didn't

[16:26] even really realized that but I don't

[16:28] think I've ever liked birds in my whole

[16:30] life I never understood bird watchers

[16:32] I'll tell you that much I'll get the

[16:36] point they used to be dinosaurs right is

[16:39] that true of all birds I don't

[16:43] know

[16:45] um I wonder why I never liked

[16:48] Birds it's

[16:53] interesting um part of me wanted to go

[16:56] hiking this morning I thought about it

[16:59] um I don't you know I don't know where

[17:00] the trails are but I don't think I

[17:02] really have time like I should have

[17:03] planned it better

[17:06] but um soon I think I'll leave it there

[17:11] down to my my last cigarette I'm rolling

[17:13] and then I'll just compile all this

[17:15] stuff together I'm not I'm not censoring

[17:19] myself guys I'm going to be myself on

[17:21] here at any cost

[17:24] so um you know there's been a few

[17:26] comments about that I'm not I'm not

[17:28] censoring myself

[17:30] I'm not going to either

[17:33] um I don't expect everyone to like me

[17:36] because that's not my experience in life

[17:38] I am the kind of person you either like

[17:40] or don't like so there's usually not a

[17:43] middle ground with

[17:45] me um and I'm okay with that like I'm

[17:48] going to be myself I want to be myself

[17:51] and I actually think it's awesome that

[17:53] there now there's like 120 people who

[17:57] seem seem to be okay with who I am right

[18:00] so I'm pretty happy about

[18:04] that

[18:06] um we see if it lasts you know see if it

[18:11] lasts CU you know I have strong opinions

[18:14] about

[18:16] everything I not going to share all of

[18:18] them with you because I don't see the

[18:22] point um it doesn't change Minds that's

[18:25] one of the things that um you know

[18:28] learned in life is that it's just kind

[18:30] of pointless um you're not going to

[18:32] change Minds in this world you're just

[18:34] not so don't it's there's no point at

[18:36] even

[18:38] trying just find your people and stick

[18:41] with them if you

[18:43] can talking to how I look at

[18:46] it and for me that's been a very small

[18:49] group of people for a long time

[18:51] and

[18:55] um I don't know I'm lonely guys I am I'm

[19:00] lonely I needed a

[19:01] [Music]

[19:03] change so I'm trying I want to be

[19:06] different I want a different life I want

[19:08] to be happy I mean that's what everybody

[19:10] wants right

[19:13] so hoping for it I'm trying hope you

[19:17] guys have a good day next time you hear

[19:18] from me we are definitely going to be in

[19:20] Tennessee

[19:22] bye it is 6:00 in the morning there are

[19:27] birds out there that do not know how to

[19:29] be quiet oh my

[19:33] God hi

[19:36] Oliver maybe I guess we're getting up

[19:38] those freaking birds will that shut

[19:42] up there is one out there that is so

[19:45] annoying I would drinkle the

[19:47] thing oh my God

[19:59] I mean I should have known right totally

[20:01] on

[20:07] me I guess we're getting up we have a

[20:10] big day

[20:14] today

[20:16] wow maybe I don't hear him when my fan

[20:19] is on I couldn't use my fan cuz I didn't

[20:21] have my

[20:22] cable for some reason these batteries do

[20:24] not hold up

[20:29] oh that bird had a a noise on it I oh my

[20:34] God

[20:36] yeah good morning I need coffee so

[20:40] bad which is you

[20:42] know like 3 feet from me so I don't have

[20:46] an

[20:47] excuse oh my God I'm nervous this

[20:52] morning I wish I wasn't but I am so I'm

[20:55] just going to say it

[20:59] still it's going to be a fun

[21:04] day I hope I definitely need coffee I'll

[21:08] be back coffee maker on and BW a

[21:12] fuse oh my

[21:14] God had to dig

[21:20] my I don't understand this is not

[21:24] happened

[21:26] yesterday o it is cold out I been my

[21:31] shorts oh it's freezing out oh those

[21:35] freaking Birds

[21:38] man I never stop oh my God this thing

[21:41] takes like 2 minutes to start

[21:44] up hold

[21:46] on say I have

[21:52] power say I have power no I'm very

[21:56] confused but I blew a fuse inside

[22:01] somewhere oh

[22:04] yeah oh that would not be

[22:08] good

[22:10] dang wow you cats are something else

[22:15] man guys chill I got to figure this out

[22:18] oh that wasn't so

[22:20] bad one of the kinds that you switch at

[22:23] least thought you know it was the other

[22:25] kind where you had to replace it so I

[22:28] only

[22:29] have 15 something whatever 15

[22:34] is this has been working forever what

[22:37] why did this

[22:40] happen I turn my my my PlayStation got

[22:44] plugged in but I not using

[22:48] it I need this

[22:50] heater so

[22:55] confusing which one was it

[22:59] 15

[23:02] amps whatever it happened

[23:06] again all

[23:08] right

[23:13] 30 it just as

[23:16] refer would have thought that meant the

[23:18] fridge but it doesn't

[23:21] apparently all of a sudden you hate my

[23:24] heater it's

[23:26] freezing wow

[23:29] give me a minute I mean I knew it was

[23:31] too good to be true I got stuff pugged

[23:33] in all over the

[23:36] place and I did notice those lights came

[23:39] on so even the plugs over there they're

[23:41] all on the same

[23:43] circuit

[23:44] [Music]

[23:46] man wait a minute this only happened

[23:49] when I turned my coffee maker on I only

[23:50] need that once a

[23:54] day just figured I'll just I guess I

[23:57] make coffee and the cold we're making

[24:01] coffee I

[24:03] think it's so cold in here can't

[24:07] remember if my computer was on when I

[24:09] made coffee yesterday I think so however

[24:13] you make this very you make everything

[24:15] difficult you really do

[24:18] man oh you have to be at the center of

[24:21] everything don't you come on come

[24:24] on don't trust you you're going to Snee

[24:26] in my coffee

[24:30] I need

[24:33] coffee really need

[24:43] coffee I bought all this like manual

[24:47] coffee making stuff I have to learn how

[24:49] to use it

[24:51] probably I didn't think I could get away

[24:53] with this thing

[24:55] so I was prepared to not me

[25:00] wonder why the fuse blew

[25:02] though I mean I know why I get why it

[25:05] happens but it didn't happen

[25:07] yesterday so why it

[25:13] Ain oh I love coffee in the morning

[25:34] it's so weird to make coffee like

[25:42] this I was thinking about it

[25:46] yesterday you know I've been making

[25:48] coffee in that thing for years and I

[25:50] never once thought to myself what if it

[25:52] doesn't work

[25:53] today and like I think that way in my

[25:56] camper and it's like

[25:58] shouldn't be like that guys like the

[26:01] manufacturer should be better because it

[26:04] shouldn't be like that that's crazy

[26:06] these things are

[26:08] expensive I know everybody gets behind

[26:10] this whole well there are tiny

[26:12] earthquakes going down the road and all

[26:14] that and it's like well yeah so what

[26:18] it's not like they can't plan for

[26:21] that

[26:25] so seriously that's messed up to me

[26:28] there's no reason they can't make them

[26:30] so that they work like my coffee

[26:34] maker that's how I think of it

[26:38] anyway that's

[26:41] my coffee's ready I'm not ready to get

[26:44] out of bed it's too early it's

[26:52] cold it's very early it's like 6:00 in

[26:55] the morning it's too early those birds

[26:58] man

[26:59] been here for two

[27:01] weeks are they migrating right now and

[27:04] are those sex noises they're making they

[27:09] are it's spring I

[27:12] think oh my God it's too early for

[27:21] this God for

[27:23] coffee

[27:24] um yeah my coffee is pretty simple it's

[27:27] just like some chocolate powder and then

[27:31] two of those things of

[27:34] coffee and some milk that's it that's

[27:37] one water and that's it that's my

[27:44] coffee way cheaper than the Starbucks

[27:46] habit I had once upon a time oh my God

[27:49] that place is expensive

[27:51] now well it always was but it sure seems

[27:55] like they know how to outdo themselves

[27:57] doesn't it

[28:00] so yeah I don't like I don't like going

[28:02] to Starbucks I think it's just a true

[28:05] waste of money those people are just

[28:08] like taking way advantage of us coffee

[28:18] drinkers I saw a flea in here last night

[28:22] I was not happy oh my God I was not

[28:32] I gave both of them their flea

[28:33] treatments the day

[28:36] before I hadn't been giving them to them

[28:38] since you know for a while a long time

[28:40] really because there's no real reason to

[28:43] but you know I hope that was soon enough

[28:47] what will I do I'm not even going to

[28:49] think about it

[28:51] I saw one flea and spent the next many

[28:54] many hours thinking there were fleas on

[28:56] me like it's just not

[28:58] fun that was not

[29:03] fun I am being super observant to little

[29:06] black dots everywhere I tell you that

[29:11] much I what would you do you can't

[29:13] really bomb this place you'd be bombing

[29:17] all your

[29:19] stuff I don't even I just don't

[29:24] know oh man it's it early in the morning

[29:30] so it's very likely I don't need like

[29:32] gas fuel

[29:35] today but I should stop anyways just for

[29:38] the

[29:40] practice and maybe they'll have propane

[29:42] there and I'll figure it out I'm just

[29:44] going to I'll ask the attendant I mean

[29:47] I'm not the first person to go through

[29:49] this

[29:50] so you

[29:52] know all guide wonder why there's an L

[29:56] on there what does the L mean

[30:01] oh there's no R there is an R what why

[30:06] would they put that in a

[30:11] cup I don't get that that's

[30:15] weird you like this cup

[30:31] just feel tired

[30:33] today so this is where we're going I

[30:36] mean not today but that's where we're

[30:38] heading

[30:39] to not going to lie that don't look so

[30:42] pretty to me that's that why I'm going

[30:47] there I don't know those mountains are

[30:49] different than the ones in Phoenix or in

[30:51] Arizona like Northeastern Arizona

[30:56] they're something about those those ones

[30:58] OD me these ones look like Rocky

[31:01] Mountains and they

[31:03] look different

[31:08] somehow wait a minute when they were

[31:11] saying the Bristol cone Pines were like

[31:13] there and they're the oldest things or

[31:15] whatever I'm thinking of little pine

[31:17] cones I wasn't thinking of trees that

[31:20] pretty I picked a good

[31:24] place guess I'm going to have to look up

[31:26] what a vault toilet is

[31:28] I don't know what that

[31:33] means of course I'm not really I don't

[31:36] know yeah I want to go boondocking I

[31:39] have to learn somewhere this is the

[31:41] place to learn I hope there's lots of

[31:43] trees like this and they're not just

[31:45] scattered all by themselves I I want to

[31:48] see lots of

[31:50] trees like that I sure wish I was in

[31:53] better shape so I could climb that

[31:58] maybe I can get in shape on the way

[32:00] there I'm just going to stay somewhere

[32:02] you know like two nights everywhere

[32:05] maybe that second day I go hiking

[32:07] somewhere every where I'm at I should

[32:09] make that a

[32:11] goal 8.6 miles that's not a

[32:15] lot an intense elevation

[32:19] gain strong

[32:21] lungs does that include

[32:23] smokers determination and prudent

[32:26] judgment

[32:28] what are they trying to

[32:30] say well apparently there's some kind of

[32:33] a trail or something where you can go

[32:36] see a dead

[32:38] tree I mean if it's dead

[32:42] like what and how do they know when it

[32:46] died and then there's one that's 3,000

[32:48] years old

[32:51] maybe unmarked trunk of what might be

[32:54] among the oldest trees in the world

[32:56] nearly 5,000 year old Prometheus lies

[32:59] farther off the

[33:01] trail it was cut

[33:03] down by a graduate

[33:06] student oh my God I'm

[33:12] outraged

[33:14] wow well look at that that's a pretty

[33:17] big

[33:18] place I picked a good

[33:21] place could spend some time here

[33:27] it's up real high so it's probably going

[33:29] to be

[33:34] [Music]

[33:36] colder a lot of

[33:38] [Music]

[33:42] canyons big Visitor

[33:43] [Music]

[33:48] Center there's a

[33:51] Grove couple of them well that's where

[33:54] we're going for sure

[33:59] yep and to do some

[34:02] stargazing sorry I really don't like

[34:04] smoking around you

[34:08] guys I'm going to quit one day I swear

[34:10] to God I will I bet every smoke in the

[34:12] world says

[34:16] that but some of them do one thing my

[34:18] doctor told me that stuck with me he

[34:21] says there's more ex smokers now than

[34:24] smokers like wow

[34:28] oh man I don't know why I'm nervous

[34:30] today I shouldn't

[34:33] be I'm not happy about that I don't want

[34:36] to be

[34:39] nervous you know what I'm going to

[34:41] dredge up the same courage I had that

[34:43] first time two weeks ago we're doing

[34:50] this I not even far I mean we're only

[34:52] driving an hour away that's not even far

[34:59] and I'm going to get way more level this

[35:01] time like that is a

[35:03] goal I will pull this slide in and out

[35:06] however many times I have to until I

[35:08] figure out what you know level is with

[35:11] it open and

[35:12] then um you know I have this you've

[35:16] probably seen it I wonder if I lost it

[35:18] it must be somewhere it's not up I know

[35:21] it's not up there um you have I have

[35:24] this thing that you just put on the wall

[35:26] and it will tell you when you're using

[35:28] an app but it only works after you've

[35:32] set it like you have to tell it

[35:35] what what's level for you before it will

[35:38] work

[35:40] so have to do that if I can get

[35:43] level and then find that thing

[35:47] and you know tell it then I can use that

[35:50] from now on make it

[35:52] easier but yeah you know I'm not level

[35:56] because as soon as I pulled my slides

[35:59] out suddenly I wasn't level

[36:02] anymore so this time I'm I'm learning

[36:04] from my experiences for

[36:11] sure I'm just tired I don't know why I

[36:15] don't know how much I

[36:16] slept but I took a nap

[36:20] yesterday with the cat Bailey sted right

[36:23] on my chest and he put his little face

[36:25] up here like he like when was a baby it

[36:28] was so cute he hadn't done that in a

[36:30] long

[36:32] time oh when day I'll pull out those

[36:35] videos for you guys he was so

[36:37] cute I remember making a video Once

[36:40] where he was doing that and it's like I

[36:43] hope he does that

[36:45] forever then he got older and he's so

[36:47] big and heavy like oh no no no I

[36:51] couldn't

[36:52] like oh he's a big cat what was nice m

[36:59] is all it's C forur he got a lot of

[37:07] it yeah I mean I don't even have to

[37:10] leave here till one I guess so I have

[37:14] time just relax for a minute

[0:01] good morning guys I got the sun behind

[0:04] me

[0:06] hopefully hopefully you'll be able you

[0:08] know it's a decent picture you know just

[0:12] blocking it still waking up I'm having

[0:16] trouble waking up today for some

[0:18] reason cats are really getting on my

[0:21] nerves today I'm just going to roll some

[0:23] cigarettes out

[0:25] here um when they started putting they

[0:28] started making the filter fire safe

[0:31] putting fire retardant in

[0:34] them you know I started rowing my own I

[0:37] just didn't like it and I mean smoking

[0:40] is bad enough as it is and then they add

[0:41] a fire

[0:43] retardant no thank you so I'm rolling my

[0:46] cigarettes for the day it's a messy I do

[0:49] it

[0:51] outside

[0:53] um cats one out they don't have their

[0:56] stuff it's a travel day you

[0:58] know they don't understand

[1:02] that really not sure what to expect from

[1:06] them um don't think this will be easy

[1:09] for them which means it won't be easy

[1:11] for me cuz they can be very

[1:15] stressful um it's kind of a test because

[1:19] you know I've never moved it with all my

[1:21] stuff in there like this um the baskets

[1:24] up on the ceiling sort of and don't know

[1:27] how it's going to go

[1:30] so I got to keep them in their carriers

[1:31] and they're going to hate

[1:33] that you know and they don't understand

[1:36] so they just think I'm torturing

[1:39] [Music]

[1:41] them and I'm just trying to keep them

[1:43] safe you know it is like raising

[1:45] children I guess I see it just feels

[1:48] that way all the time with these

[1:51] two you know it's not a bad thing it's

[1:56] just complaining today guys I I'm

[1:58] actually not in a good mood today I

[2:00] don't know I'm just not so someone had

[2:03] suggested I take St John's wart because

[2:05] of withdrawal and I started taking it

[2:07] and I'm wondering if maybe I shouldn't

[2:09] be maybe it's affecting my

[2:11] mood um I took it this morning too and

[2:14] when I took it I'm like maybe I

[2:16] shouldn't be taking this stuff like

[2:18] maybe it's not for

[2:20] me um but I am not going through a draw

[2:24] the moment kind of up to my what I was

[2:27] taking and cuz I knew I had to move

[2:31] and um you know I didn't want to be

[2:34] going through that while I'm trying to

[2:36] navigate all this stuff when I get to

[2:38] the campground though I'm dumping my

[2:40] pills and for the next week that I'm

[2:43] there I don't know how long it will take

[2:45] but from that moment on I'm going to be

[2:48] going through true withdrawal like cold

[2:51] turkey I'm just going to dump my pills

[2:53] just going to be done with

[2:55] them so you might not hear from me for a

[2:58] few days cuz I'm matching it's not going

[3:01] to be fun fun for

[3:04] me but I'll get through it and then

[3:07] hopefully life gets

[3:09] better been wanting to get off them for

[3:11] years I don't you know they are

[3:14] addictive they are they're

[3:17] opiates

[3:19] and they helped

[3:22] me until they stop topping me you know

[3:25] that's what they're like and I don't

[3:28] want to I just I don't want to take that

[3:30] was one of the reasons I wanted to do I

[3:32] had a lot of reasons for wanting to do

[3:33] that you know it's kind of like you wear

[3:34] the pros and cons of things and I

[3:37] imagine a different life doing this and

[3:40] I'm following through on that so kind of

[3:44] thinking

[3:45] about how I'm going to handle today I've

[3:48] got like 5 hours before I need to be out

[3:50] of

[3:51] here um I need to drain my

[3:54] tanks um I think that's going to be real

[3:56] hard with my cats so

[4:00] I'm just not sure how to handle this I'm

[4:02] going to have to bring in the slide you

[4:05] know the cats will need to be in their

[4:08] carriers and then I just drive down

[4:10] there drain my tanks with them in the

[4:12] carriers and I come back cook up my

[4:14] Jeep um guess I let them roam around in

[4:17] there with the slide in guess that's the

[4:20] approach I'll take they're not going to

[4:23] understand any of this I hope they get

[4:24] used to

[4:26] it they're being monsters this morning

[4:32] um so it feels like my Channel's picked

[4:35] up a little bit like people are

[4:37] commenting a lot more I really

[4:38] appreciate that I

[4:40] do um a lot of opinions that's for sure

[4:43] and I'm just trying

[4:45] to I am the kind of person who's

[4:47] susceptible to other people's opinions I

[4:49] have to be real careful about

[4:51] that

[4:54] um

[4:58] so part I don't know I'm really

[5:00] struggleing with this guys I'm

[5:01] struggling with all of it I just am you

[5:04] know I'm going to be honest with you

[5:05] it's not this is not easy for me none of

[5:08] this is easy for me this isn't natural

[5:11] for me this isn't my this

[5:14] isn't

[5:17] like my instincts don't work this way

[5:19] like I

[5:20] just I'm I'm pushing myself outside my

[5:23] comfort zone every single moment of the

[5:25] day it feels like lately and I just

[5:28] um you know I'm doing this because I

[5:30] want to do it it's just that it's

[5:32] there's it's not natural to me like my

[5:35] impulse is to do the opposite I like to

[5:38] cut myself off from

[5:40] people

[5:42] and if you know if they've wronged me in

[5:44] some way that's how I tend to handle

[5:46] conflict is I just cut people off I

[5:49] think I learned that from my

[5:51] upbringing I'm I'm guessing I honestly

[5:54] don't know on that one um

[6:01] like I avoid conflict at all cost I will

[6:04] avoid conflict I'll do anything that I

[6:06] have to do to avoid

[6:09] it

[6:10] um but I just I'm finding that that's

[6:13] not a good way to live I don't feel like

[6:15] it's done me any favors so I'm trying to

[6:18] trying to live different and it's hard

[6:21] but I'm doing it I'm nervous today about

[6:24] this

[6:27] um drive it's not a long way though it's

[6:30] only an hour I guess it's not so much

[6:32] the drive I'm nervous about cuz it isn't

[6:34] very

[6:35] long just you know I'm navigating all

[6:38] new situation I've never done this I'm

[6:40] by myself like it's it's easier for some

[6:44] people than others I think I don't know

[6:46] I really don't know I'm don't want to

[6:49] make

[6:51] assumptions sometimes I wish that there

[6:53] was someone I could just talk to that

[6:55] has been through all of this and on

[6:57] their own and just get their perspective

[7:01] like was this hard for

[7:03] them you know was it challenging did

[7:07] they feel like I'm feeling right now or

[7:08] was it easy you know is it just me

[7:16] um at the end of the day I guess it

[7:18] doesn't matter because you know I just

[7:21] have to get through it I'm going to do

[7:23] it

[7:24] somehow this is a very different life

[7:26] guys I'm not going to sugarcoat it for

[7:28] you in the Sun this channel I will never

[7:30] do that it is not all good it is not

[7:35] living in a tiny space like that is hard

[7:38] very hard especially when you have cats

[7:41] or any kind of pet I would imagine but

[7:43] these cats man it's difficult like

[7:47] Bailey was up near my head when we were

[7:49] sleeping

[7:51] and M was down at the bottom of the bad

[7:54] like there just you know it's a small

[7:57] space for all of us

[8:00] there's nowhere for your stuff you can't

[8:01] have a lot of stuff like I had to get

[8:03] rid of all my books

[8:05] and you know things that I loved um but

[8:09] I chose this you know so I don't want to

[8:12] sound like I'm complaining I just want

[8:14] to be real with you this is

[8:17] not I gave up a lot to do this and I

[8:20] guess now I'm wondering if it was worth

[8:22] it I did not know I was going to tell

[8:24] you that I didn't know I was thinking

[8:28] it um

[8:31] I think it was worth it honestly God I

[8:33] do so it's not like a strong feeling I

[8:36] have

[8:37] but I don't know is it self-doubt

[8:41] maybe I don't think so in this case

[8:43] because I'm not really doubting myself

[8:46] and this experience is just different I

[8:49] don't know how I feel about it I mean

[8:51] showering is

[8:53] different um taking care of yourself was

[8:57] already hard for me I can't like here

[8:59] that's going to be real hard like it's a

[9:01] small

[9:02] bathroom um I haven't taken great care

[9:04] of myself since I got here I'm just

[9:06] going to be honest about it um I think

[9:08] that's pretty obvious really probably

[9:11] show twice

[9:13] guys um and like the last week or

[9:17] something

[9:19] just you know and I always wanted to

[9:22] like take better care of my face and

[9:24] stuff and you know I actually I don't

[9:26] know if you've seen it like like I'm not

[9:28] hitting anything from you guys but I

[9:29] also hav't like pointed stuff out like

[9:31] there's this list I have of hygiene

[9:33] tasks um you might have seen it in one

[9:35] of my videos sometime you know and I'm

[9:37] not doing that and I want to I was I

[9:40] made it when I was at home it feels way

[9:43] harder to do here in a

[9:46] camper I just got to figure it

[9:48] out

[9:51] um if you just do more things outdoors

[9:54] like I am right now it's a little bit

[9:56] cold but it's also nice it's real nice

[9:58] out

[10:01] my cats are not happy but I can't deal

[10:03] with that right

[10:07] now

[10:10] yeah I don't know we're pretty close to

[10:13] being ready to go it's not a whole lot

[10:15] that I need to do

[10:17] really as far as packing up and stuff

[10:20] and bring the slide in and see how

[10:22] things are going should check my tires

[10:25] see how they're doing on air um the ones

[10:28] that I can I think I'm trying to bust

[10:30] out the

[10:31] door

[10:34] wow

[10:37] wow yeah it's challenging with these two

[10:41] these are not like other cats that I've

[10:43] had in my life and I've had a bunch

[10:45] these cats are different they

[10:48] are I don't know what they are

[10:55] different so

[10:59] what is this working doing

[11:03] anyway I why you I don't understand

[11:05] people come back here in a vehicle and

[11:07] then just what are they doing back here

[11:10] this is a campground it's not the

[11:13] park what are they

[11:18] doing so someone today told me I should

[11:20] be safe um not say where I'm at but and

[11:25] I debated it I just don't see the point

[11:27] it's not like it would be hard to figure

[11:29] out out right

[11:31] so um what's the point really if

[11:34] something happens to me at least at

[11:36] least it happened to me doing what I

[11:39] trying to do something that I think I

[11:40] will

[11:41] love that's how I'm looking at that so

[11:44] don't worry about me guys I'll be

[11:46] fine probably if I'm not I'm not you

[11:50] know I've had a long life I'm okay with

[11:54] I'm okay with you know whatever

[11:56] happens I think

[11:59] [Music]

[12:01] um me I feel like they're back here

[12:03] stealing firewood I think that's what

[12:05] they're

[12:06] doing oh

[12:13] funny I'm by myself I do like that part

[12:16] feels

[12:21] nice I wonder what this next place will

[12:23] be

[12:24] like I'm on a group site and I'll be

[12:26] right on the beach I think that's going

[12:27] to be interesting I bet it makes a

[12:29] colder

[12:31] though um I have recorded some other

[12:34] videos this morning and maybe I'll clip

[12:37] them together at the end it was a rough

[12:40] morning for

[12:42] me it was it still

[12:46] is but I guess I'm struggling

[12:51] with adapting to this new life it's

[12:56] different but it wouldn't be better for

[12:59] me to be in the house it wouldn't be

[13:01] better like and it's like okay so what

[13:04] am

[13:06] I have I still not figured out where I

[13:08] need to be like I don't

[13:12] know I had to try something new I had

[13:16] to um and it's probably too soon for me

[13:19] to be judging it so I shouldn't be doing

[13:22] that and I should be open-minded also

[13:26] like trying

[13:33] um wait for these guys to go

[13:38] by you steing

[13:42] firewood

[13:47] um feels like it's going to be a nice

[13:52] day

[13:55] does so my follow account has been

[13:58] fluctuating I'm bringing this up for a

[14:01] reason and I totally get it cuz the way

[14:03] I've been talking about YouTube and you

[14:07] know

[14:09] um guys I'm so complicated like I'm

[14:12] complicated to myself like I have a very

[14:14] hard time sometimes understanding my own

[14:17] motivations and it takes me a while to

[14:20] process it all and what I'm doing I'm

[14:22] processing stuff with you guys I

[14:24] normally wouldn't do that so I need you

[14:26] to just try to be patient with me cuz

[14:29] eventually it becomes clear you can't

[14:31] assume that everything I say to you is

[14:33] like the final word on something

[14:36] um it's a process for me like I'm

[14:38] learning to I'm just this is just my

[14:42] process I don't want to keep saying the

[14:44] same word it's like this is how I

[14:45] process the world though this is

[14:48] how um I learn to understand how I feel

[14:52] about

[14:53] something if I if it comes down to

[14:55] emotions and feelings

[14:57] then it's not straight straightforward

[14:59] for me it never is there are layers to

[15:05] it

[15:08] okay you know I mean yeah part of me

[15:10] would love to have like a strong

[15:12] following on YouTube and maybe even make

[15:14] some money on here but I don't think

[15:16] that that's the biggest part of me by

[15:18] far

[15:19] because the negative side of that would

[15:22] really not make me happy at

[15:25] all so um and also you know people

[15:29] coming it just you feel a little bit

[15:30] judged I it's hard not to right so

[15:35] um someone unsubscribed from you it's

[15:38] like they're rejecting you and I've have

[15:40] a problem with that I've been abandoned

[15:42] in my life many times and I've been

[15:45] rejected many times like it's so you

[15:49] know that's there it is that's that's

[15:53] what I was trying to get at finally see

[15:55] came out takes

[15:57] time um

[16:00] nobody wants to be

[16:02] rejected also I shouldn't care though

[16:04] because I mean it's literally someone

[16:06] I've never met don't even know who it is

[16:13] right oh man the birds this

[16:17] morning I don't know why I don't like

[16:19] birds just

[16:23] don't I've never liked Birds I didn't

[16:26] even really realized that but I don't

[16:28] think I've ever liked birds in my whole

[16:30] life I never understood bird watchers

[16:32] I'll tell you that much I'll get the

[16:36] point they used to be dinosaurs right is

[16:39] that true of all birds I don't

[16:43] know

[16:45] um I wonder why I never liked

[16:48] Birds it's

[16:53] interesting um part of me wanted to go

[16:56] hiking this morning I thought about it

[16:59] um I don't you know I don't know where

[17:00] the trails are but I don't think I

[17:02] really have time like I should have

[17:03] planned it better

[17:06] but um soon I think I'll leave it there

[17:11] down to my my last cigarette I'm rolling

[17:13] and then I'll just compile all this

[17:15] stuff together I'm not I'm not censoring

[17:19] myself guys I'm going to be myself on

[17:21] here at any cost

[17:24] so um you know there's been a few

[17:26] comments about that I'm not I'm not

[17:28] censoring myself

[17:30] I'm not going to either

[17:33] um I don't expect everyone to like me

[17:36] because that's not my experience in life

[17:38] I am the kind of person you either like

[17:40] or don't like so there's usually not a

[17:43] middle ground with

[17:45] me um and I'm okay with that like I'm

[17:48] going to be myself I want to be myself

[17:51] and I actually think it's awesome that

[17:53] there now there's like 120 people who

[17:57] seem seem to be okay with who I am right

[18:00] so I'm pretty happy about

[18:04] that

[18:06] um we see if it lasts you know see if it

[18:11] lasts CU you know I have strong opinions

[18:14] about

[18:16] everything I not going to share all of

[18:18] them with you because I don't see the

[18:22] point um it doesn't change Minds that's

[18:25] one of the things that um you know

[18:28] learned in life is that it's just kind

[18:30] of pointless um you're not going to

[18:32] change Minds in this world you're just

[18:34] not so don't it's there's no point at

[18:36] even

[18:38] trying just find your people and stick

[18:41] with them if you

[18:43] can talking to how I look at

[18:46] it and for me that's been a very small

[18:49] group of people for a long time

[18:51] and

[18:55] um I don't know I'm lonely guys I am I'm

[19:00] lonely I needed a

[19:01] [Music]

[19:03] change so I'm trying I want to be

[19:06] different I want a different life I want

[19:08] to be happy I mean that's what everybody

[19:10] wants right

[19:13] so hoping for it I'm trying hope you

[19:17] guys have a good day next time you hear

[19:18] from me we are definitely going to be in

[19:20] Tennessee

[19:22] bye it is 6:00 in the morning there are

[19:27] birds out there that do not know how to

[19:29] be quiet oh my

[19:33] God hi

[19:36] Oliver maybe I guess we're getting up

[19:38] those freaking birds will that shut

[19:42] up there is one out there that is so

[19:45] annoying I would drinkle the

[19:47] thing oh my God

[19:59] I mean I should have known right totally

[20:01] on

[20:07] me I guess we're getting up we have a

[20:10] big day

[20:14] today

[20:16] wow maybe I don't hear him when my fan

[20:19] is on I couldn't use my fan cuz I didn't

[20:21] have my

[20:22] cable for some reason these batteries do

[20:24] not hold up

[20:29] oh that bird had a a noise on it I oh my

[20:34] God

[20:36] yeah good morning I need coffee so

[20:40] bad which is you

[20:42] know like 3 feet from me so I don't have

[20:46] an

[20:47] excuse oh my God I'm nervous this

[20:52] morning I wish I wasn't but I am so I'm

[20:55] just going to say it

[20:59] still it's going to be a fun

[21:04] day I hope I definitely need coffee I'll

[21:08] be back coffee maker on and BW a

[21:12] fuse oh my

[21:14] God had to dig

[21:20] my I don't understand this is not

[21:24] happened

[21:26] yesterday o it is cold out I been my

[21:31] shorts oh it's freezing out oh those

[21:35] freaking Birds

[21:38] man I never stop oh my God this thing

[21:41] takes like 2 minutes to start

[21:44] up hold

[21:46] on say I have

[21:52] power say I have power no I'm very

[21:56] confused but I blew a fuse inside

[22:01] somewhere oh

[22:04] yeah oh that would not be

[22:08] good

[22:10] dang wow you cats are something else

[22:15] man guys chill I got to figure this out

[22:18] oh that wasn't so

[22:20] bad one of the kinds that you switch at

[22:23] least thought you know it was the other

[22:25] kind where you had to replace it so I

[22:28] only

[22:29] have 15 something whatever 15

[22:34] is this has been working forever what

[22:37] why did this

[22:40] happen I turn my my my PlayStation got

[22:44] plugged in but I not using

[22:48] it I need this

[22:50] heater so

[22:55] confusing which one was it

[22:59] 15

[23:02] amps whatever it happened

[23:06] again all

[23:08] right

[23:13] 30 it just as

[23:16] refer would have thought that meant the

[23:18] fridge but it doesn't

[23:21] apparently all of a sudden you hate my

[23:24] heater it's

[23:26] freezing wow

[23:29] give me a minute I mean I knew it was

[23:31] too good to be true I got stuff pugged

[23:33] in all over the

[23:36] place and I did notice those lights came

[23:39] on so even the plugs over there they're

[23:41] all on the same

[23:43] circuit

[23:44] [Music]

[23:46] man wait a minute this only happened

[23:49] when I turned my coffee maker on I only

[23:50] need that once a

[23:54] day just figured I'll just I guess I

[23:57] make coffee and the cold we're making

[24:01] coffee I

[24:03] think it's so cold in here can't

[24:07] remember if my computer was on when I

[24:09] made coffee yesterday I think so however

[24:13] you make this very you make everything

[24:15] difficult you really do

[24:18] man oh you have to be at the center of

[24:21] everything don't you come on come

[24:24] on don't trust you you're going to Snee

[24:26] in my coffee

[24:30] I need

[24:33] coffee really need

[24:43] coffee I bought all this like manual

[24:47] coffee making stuff I have to learn how

[24:49] to use it

[24:51] probably I didn't think I could get away

[24:53] with this thing

[24:55] so I was prepared to not me

[25:00] wonder why the fuse blew

[25:02] though I mean I know why I get why it

[25:05] happens but it didn't happen

[25:07] yesterday so why it

[25:13] Ain oh I love coffee in the morning

[25:34] it's so weird to make coffee like

[25:42] this I was thinking about it

[25:46] yesterday you know I've been making

[25:48] coffee in that thing for years and I

[25:50] never once thought to myself what if it

[25:52] doesn't work

[25:53] today and like I think that way in my

[25:56] camper and it's like

[25:58] shouldn't be like that guys like the

[26:01] manufacturer should be better because it

[26:04] shouldn't be like that that's crazy

[26:06] these things are

[26:08] expensive I know everybody gets behind

[26:10] this whole well there are tiny

[26:12] earthquakes going down the road and all

[26:14] that and it's like well yeah so what

[26:18] it's not like they can't plan for

[26:21] that

[26:25] so seriously that's messed up to me

[26:28] there's no reason they can't make them

[26:30] so that they work like my coffee

[26:34] maker that's how I think of it

[26:38] anyway that's

[26:41] my coffee's ready I'm not ready to get

[26:44] out of bed it's too early it's

[26:52] cold it's very early it's like 6:00 in

[26:55] the morning it's too early those birds

[26:58] man

[26:59] been here for two

[27:01] weeks are they migrating right now and

[27:04] are those sex noises they're making they

[27:09] are it's spring I

[27:12] think oh my God it's too early for

[27:21] this God for

[27:23] coffee

[27:24] um yeah my coffee is pretty simple it's

[27:27] just like some chocolate powder and then

[27:31] two of those things of

[27:34] coffee and some milk that's it that's

[27:37] one water and that's it that's my

[27:44] coffee way cheaper than the Starbucks

[27:46] habit I had once upon a time oh my God

[27:49] that place is expensive

[27:51] now well it always was but it sure seems

[27:55] like they know how to outdo themselves

[27:57] doesn't it

[28:00] so yeah I don't like I don't like going

[28:02] to Starbucks I think it's just a true

[28:05] waste of money those people are just

[28:08] like taking way advantage of us coffee

[28:18] drinkers I saw a flea in here last night

[28:22] I was not happy oh my God I was not

[28:32] I gave both of them their flea

[28:33] treatments the day

[28:36] before I hadn't been giving them to them

[28:38] since you know for a while a long time

[28:40] really because there's no real reason to

[28:43] but you know I hope that was soon enough

[28:47] what will I do I'm not even going to

[28:49] think about it

[28:51] I saw one flea and spent the next many

[28:54] many hours thinking there were fleas on

[28:56] me like it's just not

[28:58] fun that was not

[29:03] fun I am being super observant to little

[29:06] black dots everywhere I tell you that

[29:11] much I what would you do you can't

[29:13] really bomb this place you'd be bombing

[29:17] all your

[29:19] stuff I don't even I just don't

[29:24] know oh man it's it early in the morning

[29:30] so it's very likely I don't need like

[29:32] gas fuel

[29:35] today but I should stop anyways just for

[29:38] the

[29:40] practice and maybe they'll have propane

[29:42] there and I'll figure it out I'm just

[29:44] going to I'll ask the attendant I mean

[29:47] I'm not the first person to go through

[29:49] this

[29:50] so you

[29:52] know all guide wonder why there's an L

[29:56] on there what does the L mean

[30:01] oh there's no R there is an R what why

[30:06] would they put that in a

[30:11] cup I don't get that that's

[30:15] weird you like this cup

[30:31] just feel tired

[30:33] today so this is where we're going I

[30:36] mean not today but that's where we're

[30:38] heading

[30:39] to not going to lie that don't look so

[30:42] pretty to me that's that why I'm going

[30:47] there I don't know those mountains are

[30:49] different than the ones in Phoenix or in

[30:51] Arizona like Northeastern Arizona

[30:56] they're something about those those ones

[30:58] OD me these ones look like Rocky

[31:01] Mountains and they

[31:03] look different

[31:08] somehow wait a minute when they were

[31:11] saying the Bristol cone Pines were like

[31:13] there and they're the oldest things or

[31:15] whatever I'm thinking of little pine

[31:17] cones I wasn't thinking of trees that

[31:20] pretty I picked a good

[31:24] place guess I'm going to have to look up

[31:26] what a vault toilet is

[31:28] I don't know what that

[31:33] means of course I'm not really I don't

[31:36] know yeah I want to go boondocking I

[31:39] have to learn somewhere this is the

[31:41] place to learn I hope there's lots of

[31:43] trees like this and they're not just

[31:45] scattered all by themselves I I want to

[31:48] see lots of

[31:50] trees like that I sure wish I was in

[31:53] better shape so I could climb that

[31:58] maybe I can get in shape on the way

[32:00] there I'm just going to stay somewhere

[32:02] you know like two nights everywhere

[32:05] maybe that second day I go hiking

[32:07] somewhere every where I'm at I should

[32:09] make that a

[32:11] goal 8.6 miles that's not a

[32:15] lot an intense elevation

[32:19] gain strong

[32:21] lungs does that include

[32:23] smokers determination and prudent

[32:26] judgment

[32:28] what are they trying to

[32:30] say well apparently there's some kind of

[32:33] a trail or something where you can go

[32:36] see a dead

[32:38] tree I mean if it's dead

[32:42] like what and how do they know when it

[32:46] died and then there's one that's 3,000

[32:48] years old

[32:51] maybe unmarked trunk of what might be

[32:54] among the oldest trees in the world

[32:56] nearly 5,000 year old Prometheus lies

[32:59] farther off the

[33:01] trail it was cut

[33:03] down by a graduate

[33:06] student oh my God I'm

[33:12] outraged

[33:14] wow well look at that that's a pretty

[33:17] big

[33:18] place I picked a good

[33:21] place could spend some time here

[33:27] it's up real high so it's probably going

[33:29] to be

[33:34] [Music]

[33:36] colder a lot of

[33:38] [Music]

[33:42] canyons big Visitor

[33:43] [Music]

[33:48] Center there's a

[33:51] Grove couple of them well that's where

[33:54] we're going for sure

[33:59] yep and to do some

[34:02] stargazing sorry I really don't like

[34:04] smoking around you

[34:08] guys I'm going to quit one day I swear

[34:10] to God I will I bet every smoke in the

[34:12] world says

[34:16] that but some of them do one thing my

[34:18] doctor told me that stuck with me he

[34:21] says there's more ex smokers now than

[34:24] smokers like wow

[34:28] oh man I don't know why I'm nervous

[34:30] today I shouldn't

[34:33] be I'm not happy about that I don't want

[34:36] to be

[34:39] nervous you know what I'm going to

[34:41] dredge up the same courage I had that

[34:43] first time two weeks ago we're doing

[34:50] this I not even far I mean we're only

[34:52] driving an hour away that's not even far

[34:59] and I'm going to get way more level this

[35:01] time like that is a

[35:03] goal I will pull this slide in and out

[35:06] however many times I have to until I

[35:08] figure out what you know level is with

[35:11] it open and

[35:12] then um you know I have this you've

[35:16] probably seen it I wonder if I lost it

[35:18] it must be somewhere it's not up I know

[35:21] it's not up there um you have I have

[35:24] this thing that you just put on the wall

[35:26] and it will tell you when you're using

[35:28] an app but it only works after you've

[35:32] set it like you have to tell it

[35:35] what what's level for you before it will

[35:38] work

[35:40] so have to do that if I can get

[35:43] level and then find that thing

[35:47] and you know tell it then I can use that

[35:50] from now on make it

[35:52] easier but yeah you know I'm not level

[35:56] because as soon as I pulled my slides

[35:59] out suddenly I wasn't level

[36:02] anymore so this time I'm I'm learning

[36:04] from my experiences for

[36:11] sure I'm just tired I don't know why I

[36:15] don't know how much I

[36:16] slept but I took a nap

[36:20] yesterday with the cat Bailey sted right

[36:23] on my chest and he put his little face

[36:25] up here like he like when was a baby it

[36:28] was so cute he hadn't done that in a

[36:30] long

[36:32] time oh when day I'll pull out those

[36:35] videos for you guys he was so

[36:37] cute I remember making a video Once

[36:40] where he was doing that and it's like I

[36:43] hope he does that

[36:45] forever then he got older and he's so

[36:47] big and heavy like oh no no no I

[36:51] couldn't

[36:52] like oh he's a big cat what was nice m

[36:59] is all it's C forur he got a lot of

[37:07] it yeah I mean I don't even have to

[37:10] leave here till one I guess so I have

[37:14] time just relax for a minute

20:41

Walking the Campground on Site 77

Apr 29, 2024

3:19

Setting Up Twitch Stream Without Sleep

Apr 29, 2024

6:08

Addressing Trolls, Gray Tank, and Cat Housing Decision

Apr 30, 2024

2:55

Relocating Cats to Parents Early in Camper Life

Apr 30, 2024

6:58

Handing Off Cats and Leaving the House

Apr 30, 2024

5:29

Recalibrating Route Plan Mid-Drive Through Tennessee

May 1, 2024

12:08

Day 21 Systems Check and Final Walkthrough

May 1, 2024

13:46

Moving Sites, Restocking, Renaming the Channel

May 1, 2024

17:15

Dumping Tanks and Repositioning to New Site

May 2, 2024

2:07

Acknowledging Loneliness as Structural Recalibration

May 2, 2024

12:20

Recording Post-Withdrawal Day at New Campground Site

May 2, 2024

8:07

Recounting the Land Deal and Choosing the Camper

May 2, 2024

0:50

Rerouting Travel Plans at Lake Cumberland

May 3, 2024

6:33

Addressing Tramadol Withdrawal Timeline and Channel Direction

May 4, 2024

3:28

Morning Camper Routine and Tramadol Withdrawal Notes

May 4, 2024

1:34

Reassigning Freed Storage Space Under the Bed

May 4, 2024

1:28

Sharing Wooden Book-Folding Hobby on Camera

May 4, 2024

11:00

Organizing Camper, Naming Land and Cabin Goal

May 4, 2024

37:19

Preparing Travel Day With Cats and Withdrawal Plan

May 5, 2024

8:16

Documenting Withdrawal Recurrence and Severing Medical Trust

May 5, 2024

13:28

Morning Camper Check-In on Cooking, Creativity, Change

May 5, 2024

2:21

Planning a Store Run and Learning to Cook

May 5, 2024

13:07

Trying Tea for the First Time After Showers

May 5, 2024

1:08

Recording Birdsong at Siltcoos

May 6, 2024

6:06

Building a Fire and Stating Motivations

May 6, 2024

2:55

Recording Empty Campground at Siltcoos

May 6, 2024

7:27

Recording a 6 AM Walk at the Campsite

May 6, 2024

7:53

Revisiting Spirituality and Agnosticism at Camp

May 6, 2024

40:00

Scouting Lake Cumberland, Visiting Family and Cats

May 7, 2024

11:01

Morning Fog Walk, BetterHelp Exit, Substitution Plans

May 7, 2024

1:26

Recording Road Incident After Braking for Squirrel

May 7, 2024

10:57

Organizing Camper Storage and Returning to Nature

May 7, 2024

3:35

Assessing the Camper Transition and Divested Possessions

May 8, 2024

1:40

Reassessing Channel Purpose and Communication Fit

May 8, 2024

4:55

Weighing Camp Move Against Severe Weather and Channel Reception

May 9, 2024

3:45

Addressing Visibility and Feedback Mechanics on YouTube

May 9, 2024

5:13

Breaking Camp After Flooding, Moving Day Prep

May 9, 2024

1:14

Breaking Camp and Downsizing Gear

May 9, 2024

2:31

Breaking Camp at Flooded Lake Site

May 9, 2024

5:37

Setting Up Camp and Practicing Toward Nevada

May 9, 2024

0:59

Leveling the RV on First Try

May 9, 2024

PUBLIC

May 5, 2024 rswfire PUBLISHED

Temp 0.40

Density 0.70

Energetic Quality

unguarded, low-tempo, honest

Journey Phase

transitional — pre-departure

Directional Vector

toward chosen mobility and unmediated self-presentation, away from chemical dependency and conflict

Narrative

The birds started before he did. It was six in the morning, cold enough inside the trailer that rswfire noticed it in his shorts, and outside the walls a spring chorus was going at full volume — one bird in particular that he said, out loud, he would strangle. He had slept without the fan; the cable was missing and the batteries had not held. Oliver was awake. Bailey and M moved through the small space the way they always did, and rswfire narrated the morning to the camera from the bed before he was ready to leave it, saying plainly that he was nervous and that he wished he wasn't.

He wanted coffee. It was three feet away, which he noted was not much of an excuse. He got up, switched on the maker, and the panel blew. What followed was a small, exact piece of troubleshooting conducted in the cold with two cats underfoot: locating the breaker, finding it was the kind you flip rather than the kind you replace, reading the labels — 15, then 30, one marked refer, which did not mean the fridge — and reasoning out that the heater, the lights, the PlayStation he wasn't using, and the coffee maker were all sitting on the same circuit. It hadn't happened the day before. He said he understood why it happened and still didn't understand why it happened now. Then he made the coffee anyway: chocolate powder, two pods, milk, one water. He mentioned the manual brewing equipment he'd bought and hadn't learned yet, and said the manufacturer should build these things so they work the way a coffee maker works — that the road-vibration argument didn't hold, that they could plan for it. A cat tried to get into the cup. He drank it in bed and said it was too early.

Later he was on the screen, looking at where he was going — not today, but the destination he'd chosen. Mountains that read to him like the Rockies, different from the ones in Phoenix or Northeastern Arizona. Bristlecone pines, which he'd pictured as pine cones and not as trees, and which he said were prettier than he'd expected. A trail listing that asked for strong lungs, and he asked back whether that included smokers. Canyons. A visitor center. Groves. A note about stargazing. And Prometheus — nearly five thousand years old, cut down by a graduate student — which drew an immediate oh my God, I'm outraged. He said he'd picked a good place. He said he wanted to go boondocking and had to learn somewhere, and that this was the place to learn, and that he would have to look up what a vault toilet was.

He set the day's goal from the bed: level. Last time the rig had gone out of level the moment the slide came out, so this time he would pull the slide in and out however many times it took to find what level meant with it open, then find the sensor he'd misplaced and calibrate it so it would be easier from then on. He said he was learning from his experience. He talked about the nap the day before, Bailey stretched on his chest with his face tucked up under his chin the way he had as a kitten, big and heavy now. He didn't have to leave until one. He gave himself a minute to relax.

Outside, with the sun behind the camera and the day warming, rswfire sat at the picnic area rolling the day's cigarettes — he rolls his own since the fire retardant went into the filters — and worked through what was in front of him. Five hours to be out. Tanks to drain, slide in, cats in carriers for the trip down to the dump station, hitch to the Jeep, tires to check for air. He said he'd never moved the trailer with all his stuff loaded, baskets on the ceiling, and didn't know how it would go. He said the cats wouldn't understand the carriers, would think he was torturing them, and that it wouldn't be easy for them, which meant it wouldn't be easy for him. Vehicles kept rolling through the loop behind him and he watched them, saying he thought they were back there taking firewood.

He said the harder things without pausing over them. That he was in a bad mood and didn't know why. That someone had suggested St. John's wort for withdrawal and he'd taken it that morning and wondered mid-swallow whether he should be. That he had gone up to his usual dose deliberately because he had a move to navigate, and that when he reached the next campground he would dump the pills and go cold turkey — opiates, addictive, they helped him until they stopped helping him, and he'd wanted off them for years. That they might not hear from him for a few days. He described his defaults: avoid conflict at any cost, cut people off when wronged, a pattern he traces to his upbringing and says he's deliberately operating against because he doesn't feel it has done him any favors. He said this life isn't natural to him, that his instincts run the opposite direction, that he chose it anyway and is pushing outside his comfort zone every moment. He said he gave up a lot — the books, the space, taking care of himself in a bathroom that small — and then, unplanned, said he was wondering whether it was worth it, and then that he thinks it was, and that he hadn't known he was going to say either thing.

The channel came up near the end. A hundred and twenty people who seemed okay with who he is, comments picking up, a follower count that fluctuated. He named himself susceptible to other people's opinions and said he has to be careful with that. He worked toward what an unsubscribe touches — rejection, abandonment, both of which he says he has known many times — and when it landed he said there it is, that's what I was trying to get at, finally. He asked for patience: that his process is layered, that what he says on a given morning isn't the final word, that he is processing out loud with them in a way he normally wouldn't. Someone had told him not to say where he was camped. He'd considered it and declined — if something happened to him, at least it happened while he was doing what he was trying to do. He said he wasn't censoring himself, wouldn't sugarcoat the life, wasn't going to. He said he was lonely and needed a change and wanted to be happy. He rolled the last cigarette, said he'd compile the morning's clips together, and told them that the next time they heard from him, they'd be in Tennessee.

Summary

rswfire records a morning capture on a travel day, sitting outside with the sun behind him, rolling cigarettes for the day. He states he rolls his own because commercial filters contain fire retardant.

He describes the logistics ahead: roughly five hours before he must be out, tanks to drain, the slide to bring in, tires to check, the Jeep to hook up, and an hour-long drive to a group site on the beach. The cats, Bailey and M/Oliver, must ride in carriers; he states they will not understand and that this makes the day harder for him.

He states he tapered his medication ahead of the move and plans to dump his pills at the campground and go through withdrawal cold turkey, describing them as opiates that helped him until they stopped. He notes he began taking St. John's wort on someone's suggestion and questions whether it suits him.

He addresses his channel directly: the follower count fluctuates, comments have increased, he says he is susceptible to others' opinions, will not censor himself, and declines a suggestion to conceal his location. He states he is lonely, that this life is not natural to his instincts, that his default is cutting people off and avoiding conflict, and that he is deliberately living differently.

A second segment records a 6:00 a.m. wake-up, birds, a blown 15-amp fuse traced to the coffee maker, a flea sighting, and research on the destination — bristlecone pines, vault toilets, trails, stargazing.

Environment

Recorded outside and inside a travel trailer at a campground on the morning of a move day, compiled from several clips taken across the same early morning. The first stretch is outdoors with the sun behind the camera while rswfire rolls cigarettes at a picnic-area setup; vehicles pass through the campground loop in the background and he comments on people he believes are taking firewood.

The later clips are interior and pre-dawn — roughly 6:00 a.m., cold, birds loud outside, the RV's electrical panel throwing a blown breaker when the coffee maker draws with the heater and other loads on the same circuit. Two cats move through the space throughout. A final stretch is screen-based: he reviews a route and park listing showing Bristlecone Pine groves, the Prometheus tree, canyons, a visitor center, and a stargazing note, with references to Phoenix, Northeastern Arizona, and a stated destination of Tennessee.

Substrate

The architecture held is deliberate self-relocation: a life restructured by choice into a small mobile system, with the operator narrating the load-bearing points out loud rather than presenting a finished version. rswfire states the terms plainly — he chose this, it is not natural to his instincts, and he is running the adaptation anyway — which positions the signal as an in-progress ledger rather than a conclusion. What is being dissolved is the older operating pattern (opiates, conflict avoidance by cutting people off, curated presentation); what is being built is a mobile, self-maintained system and a public record kept without censorship.

Actions

Performed

•records multiple morning clips
•rolls cigarettes outdoors
•narrates travel-day plan on camera
•observes vehicles moving through the campground
•resets a tripped 15-amp breaker
•traces which outlets share one circuit
•makes coffee with chocolate powder, coffee, milk, water
•checks the coffee maker and heater draw
•scrolls a park/route listing on screen
•reads trail mileage and Bristlecone Pine notes aloud
•addresses the cats directly
•states current mood and nervousness on record

Referenced

•started rolling own cigarettes after fire retardant was added to filters
•began taking St. John's wort on someone's suggestion
•tapered up on pills ahead of the move
•gave up books and possessions to move into the camper
•made a hygiene task list while living in the house
•gave both cats flea treatments the day before
•saw a flea in the camper the previous night
•took a nap with Bailey on his chest
•moved the trailer for the first time two weeks prior
•cut people off as a conflict response, described as learned in upbringing
•left a Starbucks habit
•blew no fuse the previous day under similar load

Planned

•drain tanks before departure
•bring in the slide and secure the interior
•put cats in carriers for the drive
•hook up the Jeep
•drive roughly one hour to a group site on the beach
•stop for fuel and ask about propane for practice
•dump the pills at the campground and go cold turkey
•level the trailer with the slide out and calibrate the wall level device
•stay two nights per stop and hike on the second day
•visit Bristlecone Pine groves and stargaze
•go boondocking
•quit smoking eventually
•compile the morning clips into one video

Entities

beings

Bailey — Cat; slept near his head, previously napped on his chest; described as large now

Oliver — Addressed by name during the pre-dawn clip

places

Tennessee — Stated destination for the next transmission

Bristlecone Pines — Grove on the route he is reviewing; among the oldest trees

Phoenix / Northeastern Arizona — Reference point for comparing mountain terrain on the route

systems

YouTube — Channel where comments increased and follower count fluctuates; site of the rejection dynamic he names

Starbucks — Former habit, now framed as a waste of money

Jeep — Towed vehicle to be hooked up before departure

PlayStation — Plugged in, considered as a possible load on the tripped circuit

the slide — Trailer slide-out that must come in for travel and affects leveling

concepts

Prometheus — Nearly 5,000-year-old tree cut down by a graduate student; he states outrage on reading it

media

St. John's wort — Supplement suggested to him for withdrawal; he questions its effect on mood

Symbolic Elements

Represented archetypes or recurring motifs.

threshold

carrier / enclosure

fire

circuit and fuse

level

road

small space

ancient tree

birdsong

coffee

Ontological States

Expressed modes of being or awareness.

transitional (mid-move, between one campground and the next, with departure hours away)

chosen exposure (states he will not censor himself and will not sugarcoat the life)

self-authored constraint (names conflict avoidance and cutting people off as his default, and states he is operating against it deliberately)

unresolved-by-design (states his process is layered, that early statements are not final, and asks for patience with that)

Engaged Subsystems

Architecture engaged in this transmission.

somatic (waking hard, tiredness, nervousness, hygiene tasks, smoking, planned cold-turkey withdrawal)

infrastructural (breaker panel, circuit load, tanks, slide, tires, propane, leveling)

logistical (five-hour departure window, tow hookup, one-hour drive, two-night stop cadence)

relational (two cats as dependents; comment field; the wish to talk to someone who has done this alone)

broadcast/media (channel growth, follower fluctuation, refusal to censor, clip compilation)

ecological (birds, spring, cold morning, groves, canyons, stargazing)

financial (Starbucks compared to homemade coffee, equipment cost, manufacturer quality critique)

Dominant Language

Core motifs or linguistic fields.

travel day

withdrawal / dumping the pills

not natural for me

I'm not censoring myself

rejection and abandonment

level

processing with you guys

Narrative

Mirror

You are five hours out from a departure and the morning is running two clocks at once. One clock is mechanical: tanks to drain, slide to bring in, tires to check on air, hitch to the Jeep, a fuel stop you don't need but will make for the practice, propane to ask an attendant about. The other clock is chemical: you state that you brought your dose up deliberately ahead of the move so you wouldn't be navigating withdrawal and a tow on the same day, and that when you reach the next campground you are dumping the pills and going cold turkey. You name both clocks out loud, in sequence, without softening either. The drive itself is an hour.

The infrastructure is talking back this morning. The coffee maker draws with the heater and the plugs on the same circuit and the breaker goes. You find it, you flip it — the switchable kind, not the kind you replace — and you say the manufacturer should be better, that these things are expensive, that you shouldn't have to think what if it doesn't work today about a coffee maker. It's 6:00 a.m. and cold enough that you comment on it twice. The birds are loud and you say you have never liked birds and hadn't realized that about yourself until now. You saw one flea last night and spent hours after it watching for black dots. You are tracking the rig at the level of amps and the environment at the level of a single insect, in the same hour.

Two cats are the constant load. They are out of their routine, they don't have their stuff, they are on you, in the coffee, at the center of everything, and you say plainly that they are getting on your nerves and that today will be hard for them, which makes it hard for you. You solve the carrier problem out loud — carriers for the tank run, loose in the rig with the slide in — and revise it mid-sentence. You also stop and describe Bailey sleeping on your chest with his face tucked up, the way he did as a baby, and say he hasn't done that in a long time. Both descriptions belong to the same animals in the same morning and you don't reconcile them.

You state the terms of the record: you are not censoring yourself, not sugarcoating it, being yourself at any cost. You state that the count fluctuates, that an unsubscribe registers as rejection, that you have been rejected and abandoned many times, and you note the moment the words arrive — there it is, that's what I was trying to get at. You ask for patience with your process and say directly that early statements are not the final word, that it comes in layers. You state that cutting people off is your default handling of conflict, that you are working against it on purpose, that none of this is natural to your instincts, and that you chose it anyway. You say you gave up a lot, wonder aloud whether it was worth it, answer yourself that you think it was, and mark the answer as not a strong feeling. You say you are lonely. You say it twice, without a request attached to it.

Then the screen. Bristlecone groves, canyons, a visitor center, a note about stargazing, a trail listed at 8.6 miles with intense elevation gain and strong lungs — which you read back against your own smoking. You learn Prometheus was nearly 5,000 years old and cut down by a graduate student and you say you're outraged. You say twice that you picked a good place. You state Tennessee as the destination. Two nights everywhere, hiking on the second day, made a goal on the spot.

What is absent: any listener who has done this alone, which you name as the thing you want and don't have. Any privacy protocol — someone told you not to say where you are and you declined the advice, saying if something happens it happens while you're doing what you're trying to do. Any plan for the withdrawal week beyond dumping the pills and going quiet. Any finished version of this. The hygiene list you made at the house exists and is not being run. The books are gone. You end the morning saying you don't have to leave until one, so you have time to relax for a minute.

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Preparing Travel Day With Cats and Withdrawal Plan

Energetic Quality

Journey Phase

Directional Vector

Tags

Summary

Environment

Substrate

Actions

Performed

Referenced

Planned

Entities

Symbolic Elements

Ontological States

Engaged Subsystems

Dominant Language

Hand your life to anything that reads.