Recording Post-Withdrawal Day at New Campground Site

01HWWXP340P8VQFQR7A5GW8BW6

PUBLIC

May 2, 2024 rswfire PUBLISHED

Temp -0.40

Density 0.70

Energetic Quality

drained but lucid

Journey Phase

post-withdrawal recalibration

Directional Vector

toward the close of the old life and into unstructured self-definition

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Chapters

Transcript

[0:01] hi everyone I think I might take you

[0:03] guys for a walk this

[0:05] morning if I can get myself out of this

[0:08] bed I

[0:09] [Music]

[0:10] am just not waking up today I have been

[0:13] up for hours I've had

[0:15] coughing shaved everything like I am not

[0:19] waking up

[0:21] like I mean the worst of the withdrawal

[0:24] it's over I'm so glad about that but I

[0:26] just feel tired now hope that passes

[0:29] pretty quickly cuz I'm keep thinking

[0:32] back to like my videos before the

[0:35] withdrawal right like I was I was

[0:38] humming to myself all the time you know

[0:42] like which tells you I'm happy by the

[0:45] way I didn't even know I did that until

[0:46] I saw me doing it in a

[0:47] video it's just

[0:50] like you know I feel depressed but not

[0:53] like depression just like my body is

[0:57] depressed you know and it's just going

[0:59] to take a while I guess so please bear

[1:00] with me I this was a horrible thing to

[1:03] go through but I got through it um

[1:07] I this is a sensitive topic but I do

[1:09] want to say this I can kind of

[1:12] understand why some

[1:13] people turn to other things when this

[1:16] happens to them cuz that was hard that

[1:18] was really hard but I want you to know

[1:20] you can do it I did it you guys watched

[1:23] me do it so I I hope someday somebody

[1:26] sees this that needs to see it and

[1:29] prevents them from from going down a

[1:30] path that that just makes things worse

[1:32] right so um yeah that was part of it for

[1:36] me it really was

[1:38] I I care I want you guys to get healthy

[1:42] I want to get

[1:43] healthy so tomorrow I'm going to have to

[1:45] get up really early like probably like

[1:48] 5: in the

[1:49] morning I bet that's normal for lots of

[1:52] you guys not for me okay cuz I got to be

[1:55] out of here by 6 to drive back to my

[1:58] home

[2:00] and do the walkth through and then end

[2:04] you know that's the end of my old life

[2:07] so I'll be glad when that's over this is

[2:11] a very low-key day for me I just you

[2:14] know I still got cleaning and organizing

[2:16] to do in here feels like that's just a

[2:17] never ending thing uh I have a lot of

[2:20] laundry to do there are laundry

[2:23] facilities here but I did not think to

[2:25] buy laundry detergent or anything like

[2:26] that at Walmart you know the two times I

[2:29] went there

[2:30] so um I hope they have you know I hope

[2:33] they have those little things that you

[2:34] can buy them with coins or

[2:36] whatever um try to make it down there

[2:39] today I think if I don't I'm just going

[2:42] to take all my laundry to my mom's house

[2:44] let her do it tomorrow when I do the

[2:46] walk through cuz she lives close to me

[2:48] with my old

[2:51] house my new spot is different

[2:56] um it's more private in a way um

[3:01] people do walk through my site because

[3:03] they want to go to the to the shower

[3:05] facilities right I kind of thought that

[3:07] would happen and I know a lot of people

[3:09] are like that's the Pet People theirs I

[3:11] don't mind too

[3:12] much um mostly because I've talked to

[3:15] the people who who are doing it and I

[3:18] mean they got to get over there right

[3:21] so

[3:23] um and they seem like nice people I gave

[3:25] them one of my my um bed Toppers cuz I

[3:28] had two on here and it just wasn't

[3:30] helping this I hate this bed like I

[3:32] truly hate it I am going to have to find

[3:34] a better mattress somehow like that is

[3:37] that is a goal that is a life goal

[3:41] now

[3:44] so absolutely is like I'm going to make

[3:48] that a

[3:50] priority my internet is ter starlink is

[3:53] just so terrible if there is one leaf

[3:56] I'm telling you one little leaf

[3:57] somewhere or just a little tiny bit of

[4:00] sky that it can't touch that thing

[4:02] doesn't work like it just does not work

[4:05] you know I actually do I don't know why

[4:08] I I just want to I want to start playing

[4:10] Horizon you know

[4:12] um I had been waiting for forbidden West

[4:15] to finally get to steam you know um I

[4:19] just want to play through both games and

[4:21] I want to stream them I just I want to

[4:23] but there's no way I could do it from

[4:24] here

[4:25] so like I'm going to have to if I want

[4:28] to do that I'm going to have

[4:30] to plan my sites accordingly

[4:34] or I don't know do it offline and just

[4:37] share it on YouTube or something I don't

[4:39] know um and I get it most of you aren't

[4:42] going to care about that right but I'm

[4:44] just going to do me you know um I'm

[4:47] really

[4:48] not I'm really not trying to I don't

[4:50] know what I'm doing so I'm just doing me

[4:53] you know and those who want to come

[4:54] along for the ride great you know um you

[4:58] guys are awesome and

[5:01] if you just don't feel like this channel

[5:02] is for you that's okay oh I did want to

[5:06] say um I want to make this very clear

[5:08] there's a distinction between lonely and

[5:12] alone all right there's a big

[5:14] distinction between those two things

[5:15] I've been alone most of my life um there

[5:18] was a long period in my life my younger

[5:22] years where I was always trying to find

[5:23] love and in the gay community that was a

[5:26] little weird for some reason everybody

[5:29] like

[5:30] I just remember so many times where

[5:32] people were like you're too young to

[5:34] like like what do you it's just I don't

[5:36] even know how to put into words maybe

[5:37] one day I'll talk about it I have never

[5:40] felt like I was a member of the gay

[5:41] community or the straight Community like

[5:45] I've just never fit in I've never fit in

[5:47] anywhere totally getting off point

[5:51] um it's okay to be alone right I don't

[5:54] want anybody thinking there's a problem

[5:55] with that there

[5:57] isn't um lonely is different

[6:00] okay that's when you really do need

[6:02] people um sometimes I guess I don't know

[6:04] because like I was saying last night

[6:07] kind of feel like I need that loneliness

[6:09] because it's going to force me to reach

[6:11] out I mean that was kind of the whole

[6:13] point

[6:15] right um I need to

[6:21] just I couldn't stay in my house anymore

[6:24] just being alone and lonely right I had

[6:28] to do something so I got out in this

[6:30] camper and but you know it ALS you take

[6:33] yourself wherever you go and I need

[6:36] to I have I need to take myself more

[6:38] outside my comfort zone because still

[6:41] not really comfortable talking with

[6:43] people here stuff like that right I

[6:46] don't even know if they'd want me to

[6:47] right I don't know um I I don't know why

[6:51] people come out here all kinds of

[6:52] reasons I'm

[6:54] sure and I don't know that I would even

[6:56] like that like I didn't exactly enjoy

[6:58] talking to my neighbors I didn't feel

[6:59] like had anything in common with them

[7:02] you know um I don't know what I'm

[7:05] looking for I just I had to get out

[7:08] figure that out I'll figure that

[7:10] out I do feel like I should rest today

[7:14] but I don't know how to do that maybe

[7:16] you guys have some ideas cuz I don't

[7:18] know how to just sit and do nothing I've

[7:21] forgotten how to do that you know you

[7:23] could do I could do that when I was

[7:26] younger I just um

[7:30] my body needs rest like that withdraw

[7:32] was horrible but I don't know how to

[7:35] just sit and do

[7:37] nothing like I need to rest I need to

[7:40] sleep I slept through the night by the

[7:42] way so it's definitely over I feel like

[7:44] it's the worst it's got to be over it's

[7:46] just got to

[7:47] be um I just feel drained now totally

[7:53] drained yeah I don't

[7:56] know I don't know guys it's just one of

[7:58] those days

[8:00] I was thinking about

[8:01] something you know you don't really

[8:04] doesn't matter how old you are you never

[8:06] really

[8:08] like get old cuz your mind doesn't like

[8:11] you're

[8:14] always there are so many facets to me

[8:17] and like some of them are really goofy

[8:19] and that didn't change with age you know

[8:22] it's all over my channel so um you know

[8:25] my last one of my last videos was like

[8:27] want to watch my pee go down the drain

[8:29] like

[8:30] I'm 47 years old you know and I'm like

[8:33] let's have some fun with

[8:34] this I just I find that interesting and

[8:38] good thing too like I think that's a

[8:40] good thing sometimes I think we forget

[8:44] and as we get older um responsibilities

[8:48] and things really get in the way of us

[8:50] just being ourselves

[8:52] and oh we got to try

[8:56] to I fight against that there's a tell

[8:59] about that right something about the

[9:01] darkness fight the darkness to the very

[9:03] end I'm sure you guys know what I'm

[9:05] talking about Rodney Dangerfield did it

[9:07] in the

[9:09] movie so I think what I'll do is I'll go

[9:11] and I'll put my starlink on top of my

[9:13] Jeep or

[9:14] something I had great internet when I

[9:16] was at my other site right here terrible

[9:19] so I'm telling you one little leaf I'm

[9:22] going to keep saying that till Starling

[9:24] fixes it I mean come on you have all

[9:27] these this is how I think they fix it by

[9:29] the way

[9:30] they have all these satellites up in the

[9:32] sky thousands of them they ping them and

[9:37] some of them work some of them don't so

[9:38] they developed this map of where you

[9:40] where you've got your satellite dish and

[9:43] they know which ones work and which ones

[9:44] don't just ignore the ones that don't

[9:45] work like how hard is

[9:48] that I truly how hard is that so I I

[9:52] feel like they could have way better

[9:54] service if they

[9:57] just had some better algorithm

[10:00] truly believe that um maybe some

[10:02] starlink employee will come here someday

[10:05] maybe Elon will come here you know how

[10:07] that guy

[10:08] is but um

[10:11] yeah I think I'm in a pretty good mood

[10:14] today uh I just I mean I'm just looking

[10:17] at this mess over here I'm not even do

[10:19] it to you it's like basically in order

[10:22] to put my slide

[10:24] in you know I knew how much area I

[10:27] had um

[10:30] free right everything is there piled up

[10:35] terrible

[10:36] mess

[10:38] so that stuff needs to find a place to

[10:41] live right and I just don't know where

[10:44] to put it I will figure this out though

[10:47] this

[10:50] is this is a challenging way to live it

[10:53] just is and I'm going to keep saying

[10:55] that until it isn't I want you guys to

[10:58] know that cuz I know a lot of you that

[10:59] watch me are like wanting to do

[11:04] this and I'm not trying to discourage

[11:06] you I just want you to have a realistic

[11:08] picture at least from from my

[11:11] perspective

[11:12] I it's just it's kind of hard because I

[11:15] know that part of my feelings and

[11:18] thoughts right now are being influenced

[11:20] by the what I just went through right so

[11:23] I'm not I'm not as happy or as a beat or

[11:27] like cuz I just feel drained and that's

[11:30] probably affecting my mood a little so

[11:32] please take that into account too cuz I

[11:34] just don't know it just feels real hard

[11:36] right

[11:37] now

[11:39] um but if you look at my videos before

[11:42] the withdraw the two weeks I spent at

[11:43] the other campgrounds and I'm running

[11:45] around and I'm having to do all kinds of

[11:47] things uh you know to my old house and

[11:50] like I'm feeling good and doing good and

[11:52] everything's going great and um even

[11:55] with my cats and it's just

[11:58] like I mean I I honestly don't know how

[12:01] much this whole Tramadol draw thing is

[12:05] affecting me I just don't know probably

[12:08] a lot more than I think right so just

[12:11] give a Time guys and we'll see where we

[12:12] end up I am going to try posting this

[12:15] but I bet you it takes like half a day

[12:18] because of starling

[0:01] hi everyone I think I might take you

[0:03] guys for a walk this

[0:05] morning if I can get myself out of this

[0:08] bed I

[0:09] [Music]

[0:10] am just not waking up today I have been

[0:13] up for hours I've had

[0:15] coughing shaved everything like I am not

[0:19] waking up

[0:21] like I mean the worst of the withdrawal

[0:24] it's over I'm so glad about that but I

[0:26] just feel tired now hope that passes

[0:29] pretty quickly cuz I'm keep thinking

[0:32] back to like my videos before the

[0:35] withdrawal right like I was I was

[0:38] humming to myself all the time you know

[0:42] like which tells you I'm happy by the

[0:45] way I didn't even know I did that until

[0:46] I saw me doing it in a

[0:47] video it's just

[0:50] like you know I feel depressed but not

[0:53] like depression just like my body is

[0:57] depressed you know and it's just going

[0:59] to take a while I guess so please bear

[1:00] with me I this was a horrible thing to

[1:03] go through but I got through it um

[1:07] I this is a sensitive topic but I do

[1:09] want to say this I can kind of

[1:12] understand why some

[1:13] people turn to other things when this

[1:16] happens to them cuz that was hard that

[1:18] was really hard but I want you to know

[1:20] you can do it I did it you guys watched

[1:23] me do it so I I hope someday somebody

[1:26] sees this that needs to see it and

[1:29] prevents them from from going down a

[1:30] path that that just makes things worse

[1:32] right so um yeah that was part of it for

[1:36] me it really was

[1:38] I I care I want you guys to get healthy

[1:42] I want to get

[1:43] healthy so tomorrow I'm going to have to

[1:45] get up really early like probably like

[1:48] 5: in the

[1:49] morning I bet that's normal for lots of

[1:52] you guys not for me okay cuz I got to be

[1:55] out of here by 6 to drive back to my

[1:58] home

[2:00] and do the walkth through and then end

[2:04] you know that's the end of my old life

[2:07] so I'll be glad when that's over this is

[2:11] a very low-key day for me I just you

[2:14] know I still got cleaning and organizing

[2:16] to do in here feels like that's just a

[2:17] never ending thing uh I have a lot of

[2:20] laundry to do there are laundry

[2:23] facilities here but I did not think to

[2:25] buy laundry detergent or anything like

[2:26] that at Walmart you know the two times I

[2:29] went there

[2:30] so um I hope they have you know I hope

[2:33] they have those little things that you

[2:34] can buy them with coins or

[2:36] whatever um try to make it down there

[2:39] today I think if I don't I'm just going

[2:42] to take all my laundry to my mom's house

[2:44] let her do it tomorrow when I do the

[2:46] walk through cuz she lives close to me

[2:48] with my old

[2:51] house my new spot is different

[2:56] um it's more private in a way um

[3:01] people do walk through my site because

[3:03] they want to go to the to the shower

[3:05] facilities right I kind of thought that

[3:07] would happen and I know a lot of people

[3:09] are like that's the Pet People theirs I

[3:11] don't mind too

[3:12] much um mostly because I've talked to

[3:15] the people who who are doing it and I

[3:18] mean they got to get over there right

[3:21] so

[3:23] um and they seem like nice people I gave

[3:25] them one of my my um bed Toppers cuz I

[3:28] had two on here and it just wasn't

[3:30] helping this I hate this bed like I

[3:32] truly hate it I am going to have to find

[3:34] a better mattress somehow like that is

[3:37] that is a goal that is a life goal

[3:41] now

[3:44] so absolutely is like I'm going to make

[3:48] that a

[3:50] priority my internet is ter starlink is

[3:53] just so terrible if there is one leaf

[3:56] I'm telling you one little leaf

[3:57] somewhere or just a little tiny bit of

[4:00] sky that it can't touch that thing

[4:02] doesn't work like it just does not work

[4:05] you know I actually do I don't know why

[4:08] I I just want to I want to start playing

[4:10] Horizon you know

[4:12] um I had been waiting for forbidden West

[4:15] to finally get to steam you know um I

[4:19] just want to play through both games and

[4:21] I want to stream them I just I want to

[4:23] but there's no way I could do it from

[4:24] here

[4:25] so like I'm going to have to if I want

[4:28] to do that I'm going to have

[4:30] to plan my sites accordingly

[4:34] or I don't know do it offline and just

[4:37] share it on YouTube or something I don't

[4:39] know um and I get it most of you aren't

[4:42] going to care about that right but I'm

[4:44] just going to do me you know um I'm

[4:47] really

[4:48] not I'm really not trying to I don't

[4:50] know what I'm doing so I'm just doing me

[4:53] you know and those who want to come

[4:54] along for the ride great you know um you

[4:58] guys are awesome and

[5:01] if you just don't feel like this channel

[5:02] is for you that's okay oh I did want to

[5:06] say um I want to make this very clear

[5:08] there's a distinction between lonely and

[5:12] alone all right there's a big

[5:14] distinction between those two things

[5:15] I've been alone most of my life um there

[5:18] was a long period in my life my younger

[5:22] years where I was always trying to find

[5:23] love and in the gay community that was a

[5:26] little weird for some reason everybody

[5:29] like

[5:30] I just remember so many times where

[5:32] people were like you're too young to

[5:34] like like what do you it's just I don't

[5:36] even know how to put into words maybe

[5:37] one day I'll talk about it I have never

[5:40] felt like I was a member of the gay

[5:41] community or the straight Community like

[5:45] I've just never fit in I've never fit in

[5:47] anywhere totally getting off point

[5:51] um it's okay to be alone right I don't

[5:54] want anybody thinking there's a problem

[5:55] with that there

[5:57] isn't um lonely is different

[6:00] okay that's when you really do need

[6:02] people um sometimes I guess I don't know

[6:04] because like I was saying last night

[6:07] kind of feel like I need that loneliness

[6:09] because it's going to force me to reach

[6:11] out I mean that was kind of the whole

[6:13] point

[6:15] right um I need to

[6:21] just I couldn't stay in my house anymore

[6:24] just being alone and lonely right I had

[6:28] to do something so I got out in this

[6:30] camper and but you know it ALS you take

[6:33] yourself wherever you go and I need

[6:36] to I have I need to take myself more

[6:38] outside my comfort zone because still

[6:41] not really comfortable talking with

[6:43] people here stuff like that right I

[6:46] don't even know if they'd want me to

[6:47] right I don't know um I I don't know why

[6:51] people come out here all kinds of

[6:52] reasons I'm

[6:54] sure and I don't know that I would even

[6:56] like that like I didn't exactly enjoy

[6:58] talking to my neighbors I didn't feel

[6:59] like had anything in common with them

[7:02] you know um I don't know what I'm

[7:05] looking for I just I had to get out

[7:08] figure that out I'll figure that

[7:10] out I do feel like I should rest today

[7:14] but I don't know how to do that maybe

[7:16] you guys have some ideas cuz I don't

[7:18] know how to just sit and do nothing I've

[7:21] forgotten how to do that you know you

[7:23] could do I could do that when I was

[7:26] younger I just um

[7:30] my body needs rest like that withdraw

[7:32] was horrible but I don't know how to

[7:35] just sit and do

[7:37] nothing like I need to rest I need to

[7:40] sleep I slept through the night by the

[7:42] way so it's definitely over I feel like

[7:44] it's the worst it's got to be over it's

[7:46] just got to

[7:47] be um I just feel drained now totally

[7:53] drained yeah I don't

[7:56] know I don't know guys it's just one of

[7:58] those days

[8:00] I was thinking about

[8:01] something you know you don't really

[8:04] doesn't matter how old you are you never

[8:06] really

[8:08] like get old cuz your mind doesn't like

[8:11] you're

[8:14] always there are so many facets to me

[8:17] and like some of them are really goofy

[8:19] and that didn't change with age you know

[8:22] it's all over my channel so um you know

[8:25] my last one of my last videos was like

[8:27] want to watch my pee go down the drain

[8:29] like

[8:30] I'm 47 years old you know and I'm like

[8:33] let's have some fun with

[8:34] this I just I find that interesting and

[8:38] good thing too like I think that's a

[8:40] good thing sometimes I think we forget

[8:44] and as we get older um responsibilities

[8:48] and things really get in the way of us

[8:50] just being ourselves

[8:52] and oh we got to try

[8:56] to I fight against that there's a tell

[8:59] about that right something about the

[9:01] darkness fight the darkness to the very

[9:03] end I'm sure you guys know what I'm

[9:05] talking about Rodney Dangerfield did it

[9:07] in the

[9:09] movie so I think what I'll do is I'll go

[9:11] and I'll put my starlink on top of my

[9:13] Jeep or

[9:14] something I had great internet when I

[9:16] was at my other site right here terrible

[9:19] so I'm telling you one little leaf I'm

[9:22] going to keep saying that till Starling

[9:24] fixes it I mean come on you have all

[9:27] these this is how I think they fix it by

[9:29] the way

[9:30] they have all these satellites up in the

[9:32] sky thousands of them they ping them and

[9:37] some of them work some of them don't so

[9:38] they developed this map of where you

[9:40] where you've got your satellite dish and

[9:43] they know which ones work and which ones

[9:44] don't just ignore the ones that don't

[9:45] work like how hard is

[9:48] that I truly how hard is that so I I

[9:52] feel like they could have way better

[9:54] service if they

[9:57] just had some better algorithm

[10:00] truly believe that um maybe some

[10:02] starlink employee will come here someday

[10:05] maybe Elon will come here you know how

[10:07] that guy

[10:08] is but um

[10:11] yeah I think I'm in a pretty good mood

[10:14] today uh I just I mean I'm just looking

[10:17] at this mess over here I'm not even do

[10:19] it to you it's like basically in order

[10:22] to put my slide

[10:24] in you know I knew how much area I

[10:27] had um

[10:30] free right everything is there piled up

[10:35] terrible

[10:36] mess

[10:38] so that stuff needs to find a place to

[10:41] live right and I just don't know where

[10:44] to put it I will figure this out though

[10:47] this

[10:50] is this is a challenging way to live it

[10:53] just is and I'm going to keep saying

[10:55] that until it isn't I want you guys to

[10:58] know that cuz I know a lot of you that

[10:59] watch me are like wanting to do

[11:04] this and I'm not trying to discourage

[11:06] you I just want you to have a realistic

[11:08] picture at least from from my

[11:11] perspective

[11:12] I it's just it's kind of hard because I

[11:15] know that part of my feelings and

[11:18] thoughts right now are being influenced

[11:20] by the what I just went through right so

[11:23] I'm not I'm not as happy or as a beat or

[11:27] like cuz I just feel drained and that's

[11:30] probably affecting my mood a little so

[11:32] please take that into account too cuz I

[11:34] just don't know it just feels real hard

[11:36] right

[11:37] now

[11:39] um but if you look at my videos before

[11:42] the withdraw the two weeks I spent at

[11:43] the other campgrounds and I'm running

[11:45] around and I'm having to do all kinds of

[11:47] things uh you know to my old house and

[11:50] like I'm feeling good and doing good and

[11:52] everything's going great and um even

[11:55] with my cats and it's just

[11:58] like I mean I I honestly don't know how

[12:01] much this whole Tramadol draw thing is

[12:05] affecting me I just don't know probably

[12:08] a lot more than I think right so just

[12:11] give a Time guys and we'll see where we

[12:12] end up I am going to try posting this

[12:15] but I bet you it takes like half a day

[12:18] because of starling

9:26

Recovering Journals, Driving to Carthage Walmart

Apr 26, 2024

21:31

Cooking First Chili in the Camper on a Windy Day

Apr 27, 2024

5:43

Explaining Why Tapering Is Not Available

Apr 27, 2024

3:23

Clearing the House, Recovering the Journals

Apr 27, 2024

21:34

Assessing Camper Level While Tapering Off Opioids

Apr 28, 2024

3:14

Waking to an Emptied Campground, Recalibrating the Day

Apr 28, 2024

2:11

Leveling the RV, Weighing Travel Pace

Apr 28, 2024

2:53

Day One of Withdrawal at the Campground

Apr 29, 2024

4:23

Documenting First Night Off Opioids

Apr 29, 2024

20:41

Walking the Campground on Site 77

Apr 29, 2024

3:19

Setting Up Twitch Stream Without Sleep

Apr 29, 2024

6:08

Addressing Trolls, Gray Tank, and Cat Housing Decision

Apr 30, 2024

2:55

Relocating Cats to Parents Early in Camper Life

Apr 30, 2024

6:58

Handing Off Cats and Leaving the House

Apr 30, 2024

5:29

Recalibrating Route Plan Mid-Drive Through Tennessee

May 1, 2024

12:08

Day 21 Systems Check and Final Walkthrough

May 1, 2024

13:46

Moving Sites, Restocking, Renaming the Channel

May 1, 2024

17:15

Dumping Tanks and Repositioning to New Site

May 2, 2024

2:07

Acknowledging Loneliness as Structural Recalibration

May 2, 2024

12:20

Recording Post-Withdrawal Day at New Campground Site

May 2, 2024

8:07

Recounting the Land Deal and Choosing the Camper

May 2, 2024

0:50

Rerouting Travel Plans at Lake Cumberland

May 3, 2024

6:33

Addressing Tramadol Withdrawal Timeline and Channel Direction

May 4, 2024

3:28

Morning Camper Routine and Tramadol Withdrawal Notes

May 4, 2024

1:34

Reassigning Freed Storage Space Under the Bed

May 4, 2024

1:28

Sharing Wooden Book-Folding Hobby on Camera

May 4, 2024

11:00

Organizing Camper, Naming Land and Cabin Goal

May 4, 2024

37:19

Preparing Travel Day With Cats and Withdrawal Plan

May 5, 2024

8:16

Documenting Withdrawal Recurrence and Severing Medical Trust

May 5, 2024

13:28

Morning Camper Check-In on Cooking, Creativity, Change

May 5, 2024

2:21

Planning a Store Run and Learning to Cook

May 5, 2024

13:07

Trying Tea for the First Time After Showers

May 5, 2024

1:08

Recording Birdsong at Siltcoos

May 6, 2024

6:06

Building a Fire and Stating Motivations

May 6, 2024

2:55

Recording Empty Campground at Siltcoos

May 6, 2024

7:27

Recording a 6 AM Walk at the Campsite

May 6, 2024

7:53

Revisiting Spirituality and Agnosticism at Camp

May 6, 2024

40:00

Scouting Lake Cumberland, Visiting Family and Cats

May 7, 2024

11:01

Morning Fog Walk, BetterHelp Exit, Substitution Plans

May 7, 2024

1:26

Recording Road Incident After Braking for Squirrel

May 7, 2024

10:57

Organizing Camper Storage and Returning to Nature

May 7, 2024

PUBLIC

May 2, 2024 rswfire PUBLISHED

Temp -0.40

Density 0.70

Energetic Quality

drained but lucid

Journey Phase

post-withdrawal recalibration

Directional Vector

toward the close of the old life and into unstructured self-definition

Narrative

The morning did not arrive so much as accumulate. rswfire had been awake for hours already — coughing, shaving, moving through the small rituals of a body that had not yet agreed to be upright — and still he was in the bed, camera running, telling whoever would eventually watch that he might take them for a walk if he could get himself out of it. He did not get out of it. The worst of the tramadol withdrawal was behind him; he said so plainly, and he had the evidence to name it: he had slept through the night. What remained was drainage. He located it precisely — his body was depressed, not him, an event with a floor and an end rather than a condition with a name. He knew the difference because he had watched himself in earlier footage, humming to himself without knowing he did it, and had learned from the recording what happiness looked like on him.

He said something then that he flagged as sensitive before he said it. That he understood, now, why some people turn to other things when this happens. That it had been hard — he repeated the word — and that he had done it anyway, and that the people watching had watched him do it. He addressed the future viewer directly, the one who might someday find the video at the exact hour they needed it, and told them it was possible. Then he moved on, because there was laundry.

The logistics of the day assembled themselves around him without urgency. Tomorrow he would be up at five, out by six, driving back to the old house for the walkthrough — the end, he said, of his old life, and he would be glad when it was over. His mother lived close to the old place. If he could not get detergent today, the laundry could go to her. He had been to Walmart twice already and had not thought of detergent either time. There were laundry facilities here; he hoped they took coins. The new site was more private than the last one, though campers cut through it on their way to the showers. He had considered this in advance and found he did not mind. He had talked to the ones walking through. They had to get over there. He had given them one of his two bed toppers, since neither had made the mattress bearable — he hated the bed, and finding a better mattress had been promoted, in the course of the sentence, to a life goal.

The Starlink was the day's real antagonist. At the previous site it had been excellent; here, under the trees, one leaf was enough to break it. He said it more than once and announced he would keep saying it. He wanted to play Horizon, had been waiting for Forbidden West to reach Steam, wanted to stream it — and could not, not from here, not without planning his sites around bandwidth or recording offline and posting later. He acknowledged most of the audience would not care about that, and said he was going to do it anyway. Those who wanted to come along were welcome. Those who did not were also welcome to go. Somewhere in the middle of this he worked out how he thought Starlink should fix the problem: they ping thousands of satellites, they know which ones work from a given dish, so ignore the ones that don't. He asked how hard that could be, twice, and offered the campground to any employee who wanted to come see for himself.

Then he made a distinction and asked for it to be very clear. Alone and lonely were not the same thing. He had been alone most of his life. In his younger years he had gone looking for love and found the gay community strange about it — people telling him he was too young, something he could not put into words yet and might come back to. He stated he had never felt like a member of the gay community or the straight one, had never fit in anywhere. He said it was okay to be alone; he did not want anyone thinking there was a problem with it. Lonely was the other thing, the one that means you need people. And that, he said, was the whole point of the camper. He could not stay in the house being both. So he got out — knowing, as he put it, that you take yourself wherever you go. He was still not comfortable talking with people here. He did not know if they would want him to. He did not know why anyone comes out to a place like this, or whether he would like it if he found out. He did not know what he was looking for. He had to get out to figure that out, and he would figure it out.

He said he should rest and did not know how. He could do it when he was younger. He had forgotten the mechanics of sitting and doing nothing, and asked the audience if they had ideas. From there he arrived at age, and how it does not really happen — the mind stays where it is, the goofy facets survive, and a forty-seven-year-old man makes a video about watching his own urine go down a drain because there is fun in it. He called that a good thing. He said responsibilities get in the way of people just being themselves and that he fights against it, and half-remembered a line about fighting the darkness to the very end, the one Rodney Dangerfield did in the movie.

The plan that emerged was modest: put the Starlink on top of the Jeep and see if that helped. Around him was the pile — everything that had to come off the slide before it would retract, stacked where it landed, needing places to live that did not exist yet. He said he would figure it out. And he said the other thing, the one he directed at the people watching who wanted this life for themselves: this is a challenging way to live, and he was going to keep saying it until it wasn't. Not to discourage anyone. To give them a realistic picture from where he was standing. He entered his own caveat into the record — that he was drained, that the withdrawal was probably shaping his mood more than he could measure from inside it, that the videos from the two weeks before showed a man running around doing everything and feeling good. Give it time, he said. We'll see where we end up. Then he said he would try to post it, and bet it would take half a day.

Summary

rswfire records a morning transmission from bed in his camper, stating the worst of the tramadol withdrawal is over — he slept through the night — and that what remains is drain and tiredness. He notes he was humming to himself in pre-withdrawal videos, which he identifies as his own marker of being happy.

He addresses the audience directly on a topic he flags as sensitive: he states he understands why some people turn to other substances during withdrawal, and says he got through it without doing so, framing the recording as something someone may need to see later.

Logistics covered:

Tomorrow: 5 a.m. wake, out by 6 to drive back for the walkthrough on his old house — he describes this as the end of his old life.
Cleaning, organizing, and unplaced belongings from putting the slide in; laundry pending, no detergent purchased, possible handoff to his mom, who lives near the old house.
The new site is more private but people cut through it to reach the shower facilities; he has spoken with them and gave them a spare bed topper. He states he hates the mattress and makes replacing it a stated priority.
Starlink performs poorly at this site; he outlines an algorithmic fix he believes SpaceX could implement, and plans to reposition the dish on his Jeep. Streaming Horizon would require planning sites accordingly.

He draws an explicit distinction between lonely and alone, stating he has been alone most of his life, has never fit into the gay or straight communities, and that leaving the house for the camper was meant to force outward reach. He notes he does not yet know how to rest or sit still, describes the lifestyle as challenging, and tells viewers to account for withdrawal drain when reading his current mood.

Environment

Interior of an RV, morning, recorded from bed at a campground site with shared shower facilities and on-site laundry. The site is described as more private than the previous one, though other campers walk through it to reach the showers.

Connectivity runs through Starlink, which he reports as unreliable at this site due to tree cover — a working constraint on posting the video and on any plan to stream. Referenced adjacent locations: his old house (walkthrough scheduled the following morning), his mother's house nearby, and Walmart as the supply run point.

Substrate

rswfire holds a distinction between physiological depletion and identity — he states his body is depressed, not that he is depressed, and marks the withdrawal as an event with an end point rather than a condition. Parallel to that, he draws an explicit ontological line between alone (a lifelong baseline, not a problem) and lonely (a signal that prompts outward movement), locating his relocation into the camper as a deliberate structural action taken on that distinction. The architecture being held is a transitional one: the old house dissolves tomorrow at the walkthrough, the new mode is not yet defined, and he states plainly that he does not know what he is looking for and is proceeding without a script.

Actions

Performed

•recording from bed
•proposing to take viewers on a walk
•reporting the withdrawal is over
•stating the distinction between lonely and alone
•addressing viewers considering substance use
•describing the site layout and clutter
•diagnosing Starlink's satellite selection algorithm
•asking viewers for ideas on how to rest
•qualifying his mood as withdrawal-influenced

Referenced

•completed tramadol withdrawal
•slept through the night
•moved out of the house into the camper
•spent two weeks at a previous campground
•made two Walmart supply runs
•gave a bed topper to campground neighbors
•talked with people walking through his site
•watched his own earlier videos and noticed humming
•posted a video about watching his pee go down the drain
•waited for Horizon Forbidden West to reach Steam

Planned

•waking at 5am, leaving by 6
•driving to the old house for the walkthrough
•doing laundry on site or at his mother's
•buying laundry detergent
•finding a better mattress
•relocating the Starlink dish to the Jeep roof
•resting today
•cleaning and finding storage for piled belongings
•playing and streaming both Horizon games
•planning future sites around connectivity
•posting the video

Entities

beings

rswfire — Recording from bed the morning after the withdrawal ends; states he is 47.

his mother — Lives near the old house; possible laundry stop during tomorrow's walkthrough.

campground neighbors — Walk through his site to reach the showers; he gave one a spare bed topper.

his cats — Referenced as present and going well in the pre-withdrawal period.

Elon Musk — Named in passing as Starlink's principal.

places

Walmart — Supply point; two prior runs, detergent not acquired.

the old house — Walkthrough scheduled for tomorrow morning; he names it the end of his old life.

systems

Starlink — Primary connectivity; he critiques its satellite-selection algorithm and reports failure under tree cover.

Tramadol — The substance withdrawn from; he names the withdrawal as the source of current depletion.

the Jeep — Proposed elevated mount for the Starlink dish.

Steam — Distribution platform he was waiting on for Forbidden West.

YouTube — Fallback distribution if bandwidth prevents live streaming; also the channel he addresses.

concepts

the gay community — Named as a field he states he never fit into, alongside the straight community.

media

Horizon Forbidden West — Game he has waited for on Steam; wants to play and stream both Horizon titles.

Rodney Dangerfield — Cited for the 'fight the darkness' line he half-recalls.

Symbolic Elements

Represented archetypes or recurring motifs.

threshold

bed

leaf

satellite

walkthrough

clutter without a place

darkness

shower path

Ontological States

Expressed modes of being or awareness.

transitional (old house dissolves tomorrow; new mode undefined)

sovereign (states he is doing what he wants without a plan and accepts viewer attrition)

somatically depleted (locates depression in the body, not identity)

unaffiliated (states lifelong non-membership in any community)

self-observing (watches his own footage as data on his state)

Engaged Subsystems

Architecture engaged in this transmission.

somatic (tracking drainage, sleep, energy as distinct from mood)

infrastructural (Starlink placement, laundry, storage, mattress)

logistical (5am departure, walkthrough, supply runs)

relational (neighbors, mother, viewers, the alone/lonely distinction)

ethical (addressing viewers at risk of substituting substances)

technical (satellite selection algorithm critique)

documentary (recording, archiving, comparing past footage)

Dominant Language

Core motifs or linguistic fields.

withdrawal / drained

lonely vs alone

the end of my old life

I don't know what I'm looking for

just doing me

one little leaf

this is a challenging way to live

Narrative

Queryable Personhood

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URL

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Recording Post-Withdrawal Day at New Campground Site

Energetic Quality

Journey Phase

Directional Vector

Tags

Summary

Environment

Substrate

Actions

Performed

Referenced

Planned

Entities

Symbolic Elements

Ontological States

Engaged Subsystems

Dominant Language

Hand your life to anything that reads.