Hiking Lake Cumberland Trails, Decoding Cognitive Style

01J3XERXCRVB6BY5QAFF0GXZKN

PUBLIC

July 28, 2024 rswfire PUBLISHED

Temp 0.20

Density 0.70

Energetic Quality

buoyant and analytically charged

Journey Phase

integrating

Directional Vector

toward embodiment and terrain, away from a life lived only in the internal world

Failed to load video

← Documenting Neighbor's Lighter Fluid Fire Behavior

Documenting Financial Position and Channel Direction →

Chapters

Transcript

[0:00] good morning fellow humans it's Sunday

[0:03] 11:00

[0:04] a.m. decided to go hiking um I'm a

[0:07] little sore and you know I'm not nearly

[0:10] as sore as I thought I'd be I'm kind of

[0:13] surprised I guess this lifestyle even

[0:16] though I haven't been hiking like

[0:19] often I don't know I'm confused I'm

[0:22] honestly confused but you know I'll

[0:25] probably be sore after this I'm thinking

[0:28] see I haven't punished myself enough I'm

[0:30] not sore enough so I got to go

[0:33] hiking and get away from that Crazy Fire

[0:35] Starter like what the [ __ ] was that you

[0:38] know so we're just going to go

[0:41] hiking so I don't really think my

[0:43] reaction needs an explanation but you

[0:46] know he was 8 ft away from my camper and

[0:48] if that can had exploded I don't know if

[0:51] that would damage my camper or not I

[0:53] mean to me it was a very dangerous

[0:56] situation for them and for me and there

[1:00] were kids over there they were sleeping

[1:02] in I guess cuz you later I saw them and

[1:06] um that's just modeling really bad

[1:09] behavior that is just I I it just blows

[1:13] my mind that someone would do that

[1:15] that's just that was so

[1:18] reckless so anyways I

[1:22] um I just have this need to be outside

[1:24] lately I I don't really want to be in my

[1:26] camper it's not why I got into this

[1:29] lifestyle

[1:30] you know your RV is kind of like your

[1:32] home base it's your

[1:33] home you got to do stuff there

[1:38] but just don't want to be there so I had

[1:42] some aches this morning proud of myself

[1:44] for that dusted in Pepper I just wanted

[1:47] to tell you guys this little story so

[1:48] when I was a kid my mom used to do that

[1:51] she would make eggs for me and then she

[1:54] would just douse them and pepper they us

[1:56] made me so happy like you do it before I

[1:58] had to go to school every morning

[2:01] it's one of my earlier memories that

[2:03] just always stuck with me and I still do

[2:06] it I still put Lots in Lots pepp on my

[2:09] eggs at that

[2:12] me

[2:14] yeah desperately need to get myself

[2:16] cleaned up I'm going to try to do that

[2:18] today um you know I need to shave and

[2:21] just like I just need to take better

[2:22] care of myself like I would love to be

[2:24] able to use moisturizer on my face and

[2:28] just the things you doing a house but I

[2:31] just have found that very challenging

[2:32] here and I just it's been on my mind

[2:35] lately so I'm going to try to organize

[2:37] my bathroom in a way that I can figure

[2:40] out a way to just come up with a routine

[2:42] that works for me cuz I am

[2:45] weird I think I'll figure it out one of

[2:47] these days like I haven't properly

[2:50] shaved since I got on this little

[2:52] adventure of mine you know like I've

[2:53] been using my hair clippers to

[2:55] shave

[2:57] and like I never had facial hair like

[3:00] that my whole life and like all of a

[3:03] sudden I'm just

[3:04] like this life this lifestyle challenges

[3:07] me and all of

[3:09] the all of the ways that normal life

[3:11] challenged me so I just like it

[3:14] Amplified all of the things that I

[3:16] struggle with but I think it's a good

[3:19] thing I feel

[3:21] like just giving myself time and and

[3:24] keeping being mindful of the fact that

[3:26] these are things that I wanted to change

[3:28] and I'm trying to change you know will

[3:30] keep me moving in that direction

[3:32] so I'm going to master this if I want to

[3:36] so there was something I was thinking

[3:38] about I wanted to share with you guys um

[3:41] if you've seen enough of my content you

[3:43] probably have noticed like these

[3:44] patterns where I'll focus on something

[3:47] for a while and then it just kind of

[3:48] Fades into the distance into the past

[3:51] and um something replaces it like lately

[3:55] it's been my cognitive style and I

[3:57] wanted to kind of explain this

[4:00] so I only recently learned about my

[4:04] cognitive style I didn't know my whole

[4:06] life I knew I was different from others

[4:08] but I didn't know how different and it

[4:11] was a source of of Shame for me that I

[4:16] couldn't seem to connect with people and

[4:18] people just didn't seem to get me and

[4:21] you know all of that and when I

[4:23] discovered my cognitive style was like a

[4:25] light bulb went off and I started to

[4:28] understand

[4:30] and so the reason I'm focusing on it is

[4:32] because I'm still processing it I'm

[4:34] still examining all the ways that my

[4:37] brain works and how how

[4:40] that

[4:42] um I'm reexamining all of my past

[4:45] experiences you know it's like I'm

[4:48] reframing everything with this new

[4:49] knowledge that I have it's like my brain

[4:51] is updating and this is what that looks

[4:53] like it takes time it's a

[4:55] process um I don't know if for all that

[4:58] way I I would like to I think we we are

[5:01] where

[5:02] you you get a new insight and you I I I

[5:08] guess we're probably not it's I can see

[5:09] how that's a holistic way of looking at

[5:11] life so when I realized

[5:15] that when I had that light bulb moment

[5:18] it

[5:20] just there's a whole bunch of stuff

[5:22] going on in here um when I

[5:25] realized it's just

[5:27] everything it's such a pivotal important

[5:30] part of my

[5:33] identity that I'm just assessing

[5:36] everything I mean this goes all the way

[5:37] I I'll just give an example so cuz I

[5:40] haven't talked about this

[5:42] either I think my cognitive style

[5:44] developed as a result of my upbringing I

[5:47] think that growing up with a

[5:48] narcissistic parents and another parent

[5:52] who had childhood trauma that was

[5:55] unresolved and just that environment

[5:58] that I was raised in forced me to look

[6:00] at the bigger picture of things that was

[6:03] more important

[6:05] than like episodic memory I had to look

[6:08] at patterns

[6:10] and because that's how I kept myself

[6:12] safe I had to predict things I had to

[6:14] predict what's going on in the

[6:15] environment I had to understand the

[6:16] family

[6:17] Dynamics in half a mile turn right onto

[6:20] State Highway

[6:22] 744

[6:24] so that also goes into so when then I

[6:27] got older and I discovered I was gain I

[6:30] hit that because I didn't feel like I

[6:32] was safe to be out me of

[6:35] this

[6:38] um it just added a whole another layer

[6:41] to that where I was constantly having to

[6:44] assess societal Trends and you know it's

[6:48] like I'm decoding life all the time this

[6:50] is how AI explains it to me I'm just

[6:52] always decoding life and it has

[6:57] become a very central part of me like I

[7:02] can't not be that way anymore like it is

[7:04] just so deeply ingrained in me that

[7:06] that's that's what I

[7:08] do and

[7:11] so my cognitive style is the result of

[7:14] trauma and that's a really hard thing to

[7:17] accept even though I actually think that

[7:19] my mind is pretty

[7:22] awesome it came about as a result of

[7:25] trauma and so there's that there's that

[7:28] angle of it and it's just just these are

[7:30] all the things that are just going

[7:31] through my mind right now I'm just

[7:33] constantly I'm analyzing everything

[7:37] because an Insight like that has just

[7:41] very deep implications so how I interact

[7:44] with other people how I'm starting to

[7:47] recognize

[7:49] that because I see the bigger picture

[7:52] and I see what's underneath of the

[7:54] societal structures we have I sometimes

[7:57] have to be careful and explain what I'm

[7:59] not not talking about individuals you

[8:01] know

[8:05] um and I'm probably going to be stuck

[8:07] here for a while because that's a lot

[8:09] that's a lot to come to terms with

[8:11] that's what I'm

[8:13] doing we're

[8:18] back nice peaceful quiet

[8:21] day there a couple cars here they're

[8:24] probably out hiking somewhere since no

[8:25] one's

[8:28] fishing just think I'm pushing

[8:31] myself um that's okay there's a certain

[8:36] momentum like once you start

[8:39] hiking

[8:40] um there a momentum all its own if you

[8:43] keep doing

[8:45] it you

[8:48] just it's it's habit foring you

[8:51] know just if you keep doing it you are

[8:54] more likely to keep doing

[8:56] it that's important I want this I need

[8:59] this

[9:04] um all of my life I've known that this

[9:07] is

[9:10] where um I used to say that hiking for

[9:15] me was like taking

[9:17] Prozac it just has this calming effect

[9:20] on me it it centers me I get I get very

[9:24] uncentered somebody's got to um

[9:30] a hammock over there interesting they

[9:33] like let's just come out here in the

[9:34] woods and set up a

[9:36] hammock oh um it might rain

[9:39] today should have brought my rain coat I

[9:41] have a cute little rain

[9:43] coat but I didn't think to do

[9:46] that I like rain

[9:48] so if it rains I'll be

[9:52] happy um it doesn't look to me

[9:55] like doesn't look eminent so I guess

[9:58] we'll find out

[10:01] but yeah I'm

[10:03] here one thing I'm discovering is that I

[10:06] truly love being around water I remember

[10:09] when I was in Tennessee going through a

[10:11] draw I had that place pretty much to

[10:16] myself and I could just sit there and

[10:18] stare at the water and it just filled me

[10:20] with peace

[10:22] and

[10:24] um I really am finding

[10:27] that these environments are good for

[10:30] me especially Lake Cumberland though I

[10:34] was so desperate to jump in that water

[10:36] yesterday cuz it was hot and muggy and

[10:38] you know all of that there a little

[10:41] there he goes there he goes can you see

[10:43] him so cute they're so

[10:48] cute oh I looked up rafts and inflatable

[10:52] ones then you can get them um some are

[10:56] quite cheap like 25 bucks I saw a real

[10:59] good one on Amazon for like

[11:02] 400 um and it even included a motor so I

[11:06] didn't even consider that that was a

[11:09] possibility um and it had paddles and

[11:12] had paddles in the motor

[11:14] um and it did fit into a little bag

[11:18] seemed like it weighed quite a lot

[11:21] though

[11:23] so that's a consideration you know I

[11:25] have to be able to handle it

[11:27] myself um I don't think it's something I

[11:29] should buy online I need to I need

[11:32] to just be Hands-On about it so that I

[11:34] know what I'm getting

[11:36] into but I really want to do that I

[11:39] think that that

[11:40] is that could make a big difference in

[11:43] how I feel about when I'm doing right

[11:48] so um being able

[11:53] to

[11:55] yeah part of me really does want to live

[11:57] on a boat because I feel feel like

[11:59] that'd be easier than driving an

[12:01] RV you know

[12:04] like and easier to just kind

[12:08] of give yourself a little more

[12:11] Solitude

[12:13] and um of course it comes with its own

[12:15] set of challenges

[12:20] and I think I made a mistake I think

[12:22] that's what I should have

[12:24] done I'm just not excited about

[12:27] tomorrow I don't want want to drive it

[12:29] down to the tire place

[12:31] and especially when the tires are low on

[12:35] air I won't drive fast I was thinking

[12:37] maybe 45 M hour

[12:40] tops um you guys tell me if even that's

[12:43] too fast um should I keep my blinkers on

[12:47] the whole

[12:49] time I got to go

[12:52] like like 15 miles to get

[12:56] there I'm not excited about it I'm not

[12:59] happy about this at

[13:00] all you know and then Bailey's got to be

[13:03] in his carrier and it's just the whole

[13:05] thing is going to be a

[13:06] challenge I got to get up on top of my

[13:09] camper um in case there's three up

[13:12] there and you know I've been pushing

[13:15] myself a lot hiking these past three

[13:17] days thought about them like hope I'm

[13:19] not so sore after I leave here that it's

[13:23] actually challenging to climb that

[13:27] ladder plus I'm

[13:29] definitely afraid of heights like it is

[13:31] going to

[13:32] be an exceptionally hard thing for me to

[13:36] do I I have to because if there's debris

[13:39] up there I cannot risk somebody getting

[13:41] hurt

[13:45] so just hate this part of this life and

[13:48] I'm not good at it and I never will be

[13:52] and I can there's nothing I'm kind about

[13:54] saying that it's honest

[14:01] I

[14:03] my my sec I spent most of my life in the

[14:07] digital world and in my head in my mind

[14:11] in my you know my internal

[14:15] world and I just flipped

[14:19] that and everything is a challenge for

[14:22] me

[14:23] now

[14:26] so I don't expect it to be

[14:30] thought I'd adapt better than I

[14:34] have but you know I have to be honest

[14:37] about

[14:39] it it's

[14:41] been so I started tracking time again

[14:43] it's been over not sure how many days

[14:46] but it's been over 3 months it's been

[14:47] over 100

[14:49] days

[14:53] um we're

[14:56] approaching we're approaching four

[14:58] months

[14:59] the stupid eye bugs I hate

[15:03] them

[15:09] um I'm

[15:11] hopeful that it gets easier but I just

[15:15] based on how I'm feeling

[15:19] and just just the way that I think I

[15:21] just don't I don't feel that way right

[15:24] now I got to climb this got to climb

[15:27] that it wasn't difficult

[15:30] um super confused cuz I have not been

[15:33] all that active

[15:35] lately I spent a week in my camper like

[15:38] going through that linal state

[15:41] and I'm

[15:44] confused I'm doing way better than I

[15:46] thought I

[15:48] would so that's good news it's just

[15:52] surprising I

[15:54] guess you know what it's cuz I quit

[15:57] smoking isn't it

[15:59] wow even though I'm

[16:01] vaping it's because I quit smoking it

[16:04] has to

[16:05] be it's the only thing to explain

[16:08] that quit smoking if you're a smoker

[16:11] there's

[16:12] benefits I just went up another steep

[16:14] climb

[16:16] and

[16:19] wow I'm happy about

[16:22] that I didn't I was wondering if I

[16:26] experience any benefits from quitting

[16:28] smoking yet yet but I clearly have and

[16:30] didn't

[16:32] realize I'm not you

[16:34] know

[16:37] but way

[16:39] better imine about being a month 3

[16:42] months 6 months a

[16:43] year 10

[16:46] years I do want to quit vaping also

[16:50] um not quite there yet but it's just you

[16:54] know I'm taking steps I'm um

[16:59] clearly benefiting from

[17:01] switching that's

[17:05] undeniable then I could be even better

[17:08] if I quit vaping

[17:10] too oh I guess I should talk about this

[17:14] so I do think that Lake Cumberland

[17:18] is a magical place that I would love to

[17:21] live in to explore all of

[17:24] that

[17:27] but I think that would be misguided of

[17:30] me

[17:31] to definitively say that's where I

[17:35] belong

[17:37] because I haven't seen everywhere right

[17:41] so how do I know there aren't other

[17:43] places that I would love even

[17:46] more

[17:49] um I'm in this

[17:52] RV because I wanted to find that

[17:56] place I think I found it

[18:00] I really think I found

[18:01] it

[18:04] but that's not good timing I just got

[18:07] the thing right I don't know I'm I'm

[18:09] contemplating

[18:11] it I think I would love it there there

[18:15] is a vibe to that place the nature is

[18:20] beautiful

[18:21] um there's just an energy to the place

[18:24] some places have that I can't explain it

[18:26] and Arbor is the same way just enter

[18:29] that

[18:30] area and there's this positive vibe in

[18:33] the

[18:34] air and you know I'm not spiritual I'm

[18:37] not applying anything esoteric to that

[18:41] statement but

[18:44] I'm acknowledging a perception I have

[18:47] When I visit places like

[18:49] that whatever causes

[18:51] them and I feel it there at Lake

[18:57] Cumberland so I don't know

[19:03] definitely going there lot in the next

[19:05] month because I want to explore them a

[19:06] little more and I want to go swimming

[19:09] there I am genuinely amazed how little I

[19:12] am struggling cuz I'm not struggling at

[19:14] all

[19:15] like I have

[19:22] hiked I don't

[19:24] know 15 16 17 miles in the last 2 days

[19:32] and

[19:35] nothing how I not in shape I don't eat

[19:40] well drink Mountain Dew all day that's

[19:43] where all my calories come

[19:47] from I don't know I am an enigma to

[19:52] myself I always have been it's a puzzle

[19:54] that I'm always trying to

[19:56] uncover I love this

[20:00] you know not complaining about it I just

[20:02] want to understand it I want to decode

[20:04] it something really interesting happened

[20:06] yesterday I didn't tell you guys so well

[20:08] a couple of things I guess I'll share

[20:09] the mo there's a man over here in the

[20:12] brown Water I talked about that one day

[20:14] he's fishing so there must be fish in

[20:16] there I asked do you think there's fish

[20:18] in there there's fish in there hold on

[20:21] I'm going to talk in a minute I'm going

[20:24] to go over to that spot over

[20:26] there and hang out talk to you guys if I

[20:30] can get over

[20:31] there it's probably

[20:34] wet and then probably wrap my video up

[20:37] and just edit it right

[20:39] there um let's just talk about some

[20:43] stuff this is so

[20:46] nice oh I'd love to get my wrapped and

[20:49] just

[20:53] go so

[20:57] nice Okay what is all that who is that

[21:00] what is that a dog I hope that's a

[21:02] dog okay it's a

[21:04] mushy this is not surprising

[21:08] right oh I don't want to get

[21:11] dirty okay it's not sand I thought it

[21:13] was sand let's go

[21:15] back this is not sand we are not doing

[21:22] this unfortunately

[21:25] because I would have enjoyed that

[21:29] but it's wet very

[21:31] wet we'll find somewhere

[21:34] else oh I just heard some

[21:37] Thunder please

[21:39] rain it doesn't look like it's going to

[21:42] rain but I want it

[21:44] to

[21:46] oh one aspect I didn't explain

[21:50] so my metacognitive ability where I'm

[21:53] constantly monitoring my own

[21:56] thoughts and discussing them that is

[22:00] also an evolutionary response to my

[22:02] upbringing it's

[22:04] environmental

[22:06] um it's from being gay and hiding my

[22:09] sexuality and constantly monitoring do I

[22:11] appear like a straight

[22:13] person you know

[22:15] and navigating those

[22:18] years probably did that also as a child

[22:22] to Model Behavior that my parents found

[22:25] acceptable and provided me with love

[22:29] that I didn't

[22:31] get so I have mixed feelings about it

[22:33] all

[22:38] because the person you see before you is

[22:41] the result

[22:42] of a lot of

[22:45] trauma and while it has made me into a

[22:48] special

[22:50] person that sure did come out a cost

[22:52] didn't it I did go hiking that day that

[22:55] I did my laundry I didn't share it I

[22:58] actually did make a video of it but I

[23:00] had my headphones in and I was listening

[23:03] to the song over on repeat

[23:05] and um I thought you could hear it and

[23:08] I'm singing along along the

[23:10] trail and I was like and then I you know

[23:13] went to edit it I was like oh you can't

[23:15] hear that I'm just singing and sounding

[23:18] real weird right now maybe I don't want

[23:21] to post this one so I didn't so every

[23:25] once in a while comes back to my mind

[23:27] and I'm like maybe I should just post

[23:29] it

[23:31] um I am totally cool

[23:35] with if you saw me I mean I hadn't gone

[23:37] hiking in a while and I was just

[23:40] thrilled to be out there I was even more

[23:42] childlike I was saying yes I into the

[23:45] you know just the air

[23:48] and um struggling it was a real

[23:52] difficult ik for me CU it had been a

[23:53] while and um but struggle

[24:00] I don't react to

[24:02] struggle like the way I react

[24:06] is I guess with excitement I or

[24:08] something I I don't know I

[24:11] I feels

[24:14] good

[24:16] so I don't know maybe one day I'll post

[24:19] it see I've been on this

[24:23] Trail no spider webs I think I got hit

[24:26] once when

[24:29] even though nobody's hiking it when it's

[24:33] regularly hiked it's not as big of a

[24:35] deal that's why that trail yesterday it

[24:37] was like okay nobody hikes this

[24:39] thing I there's no way it was so bad and

[24:43] I can see why

[24:45] because it wasn't a great spot where you

[24:47] ended up didn't take you down to the

[24:50] water there's other ways to get a view

[24:53] like that better views directly from

[24:55] your

[24:56] vehicle just wasn't a very magical

[24:59] spot wasn't worth the 3

[25:03] miles um how do research and find some

[25:06] other places so there have to be more

[25:08] Trails I'm glistening again I like that

[25:12] word such a nice word isn't it

[25:14] glistening how the [ __ ] am I not

[25:16] struggling at all this is so

[25:21] crazy what is going on inside my body

[25:24] right now and why and what do I have

[25:28] have to do to keep that

[25:30] going we're definitely going to the

[25:32] Natural Bridge we're going to hike the

[25:33] sand Gap trail and all day

[25:35] event um I was starting to wonder like

[25:38] should I go on Tuesday you know maybe

[25:40] give myself a

[25:41] break I'm

[25:43] wondering maybe I don't get myself a

[25:47] break it's

[25:49] crazy it's doing fine we're going to go

[25:51] chill over here found a little safe

[25:55] spot I like this one this one faces the

[25:57] lake

[26:00] just hang out there for a

[26:02] while might end my video here I think

[26:05] and I um yesterday's video when I was

[26:08] here I edited it in the parking lot and

[26:11] it took I mean it was 45 minutes so I

[26:13] had to watch the whole thing I was in my

[26:15] car for

[26:17] hours and I was like I hope people

[26:19] aren't

[26:20] like you know who knows what people

[26:22] think

[26:24] so maybe

[26:26] they're worried about a guy just sit

[26:28] his

[26:31] Jeep yeah I'm doing

[26:33] fine truly am so let me show you we're

[26:37] at the spot where the lake is that guy

[26:39] is fishing I

[26:42] think and over there's the dam that's

[26:45] where we're going to end

[26:47] up oh love to have a raft on

[26:51] here oh it' be so

[26:55] fine so fine

[26:58] that looks like a

[27:01] beach

[27:03] hey that's

[27:05] dirt

[27:09] H it's a it's a navigable spot I don't

[27:13] know I want to do it yet though maybe if

[27:15] I had a blanket or

[27:17] something guess I'm getting prissy in my

[27:19] old age I don't mind getting

[27:23] dirty I'm mind getting

[27:26] dirty but I don't want to sit on

[27:29] where it's wet and stuff like that that

[27:30] wouldn't be

[27:32] fun maybe I should go swimming right

[27:36] now how do you know if that's allowed

[27:39] can you just do it and

[27:44] like what is the Aon Norm on

[27:47] this wonder what that water feels like

[27:50] the

[27:52] temperature I'm working myself up I

[27:54] won't do it today don't think I'm

[27:56] getting in there um but this looks like

[27:59] a clean

[28:02] Lake I might go swimming

[28:05] soon wonder how fast that current

[28:09] is how far it will take

[28:12] me it's

[28:16] floating oh so pretty over there

[28:20] clouds those mountains in the

[28:23] background

[28:26] beautiful yeah I think I'm just going to

[28:28] end my video here and I'll just edit it

[28:30] just sitting here on this bench just

[28:32] chill for a while cuz not in a hurry I

[28:35] got a lot to do though if I'm going to

[28:36] go to the tire shop in the

[28:39] morning I don't want to go

[28:48] there guys what do I need to hear

[28:52] to have a better attitude about that cuz

[28:56] I really don't want to go

[29:00] there man

[29:03] up my

[29:06] go and get on the top of my camper oh

[29:10] God I'd much rather be out here this is

[29:13] where I want to

[29:19] be this is so nice I love this trly love

[29:24] this

[29:28] we have

[29:33] rain I don't know if you can see it on

[29:35] the

[29:36] [Music]

[29:37] camera

[29:40] training

[29:43] yay

[29:45] raining quite

[29:47] wet lost my earbud but I found it I'd

[29:51] show you a whole lot more cuz I'm having

[29:53] a great time these trails are turning

[29:55] into

[29:56] streams uh my phone isn't going to hold

[29:59] up with this so I had my GoPro or

[30:02] something I'm going to be I need to be

[30:04] more prepared I'm having a blast right

[30:15] now yeah the rain is doing that it's

[30:19] hitting my screen and I guess it's warm

[30:21] enough it's feels colder but guess it's

[30:23] warm enough that it's

[30:26] detecting touch you

[30:29] know love

[30:31] this yeah I couldn't even um I couldn't

[30:34] even open it up for a while there it

[30:36] wasn't registering my fingerprints at

[30:39] all this is

[30:43] awesome oh this is what life is

[30:46] about

[30:48] and

[30:52] woo

[30:54] [Music]

[30:55] oh what a perfect [ __ ] day

[30:59] look at

[31:00] that oh I want to be out

[31:03] there get my my raft go over there hang

[31:10] out I am wet very

[31:17] wet it's cleansing it's

[31:22] refreshing I love ring

[31:28] guess I don't know how to detect when

[31:29] it's coming though I was convinced it

[31:30] wasn't so time for this surfing

[31:35] room yes I am old so this

[31:41] is

[31:45] um what do they call that I don't even

[31:48] know oh this is a w

[32:02] this is

[32:03] awesome this is what it's about this is

[32:05] what life is

[32:11] [Music]

[32:21] about this is what life's

[32:24] about that spider web looks abandoned

[32:27] but sure

[32:28] pretty right here at the End Bridge

[32:32] 47 not bad

[32:35] spider where' you head off

[32:37] to may be the only one

[32:40] here Jeep in the

[32:43] distance standing Sentinel at the

[32:46] lake o I love that the um it's not smoke

[32:51] what is that

[32:52] um you know something to do with water

[32:56] steam it's like a steam but I I don't

[32:57] know what they call it Ste what do they

[32:59] call that that's so pretty so pretty

[33:02] some over

[33:03] there oh I love this

[33:06] place this place just me here this is

[33:09] all me I am alone in the

[33:12] world there's no better way to

[33:16] be

[33:20] oh I love

[33:25] it since when you should be out on a rra

[33:34] fishing yeah life is good guys life is

[33:38] good hope you know that hope you feel

[33:42] that oh I don't always feel that

[33:45] so you just got to make space for

[33:47] yourself where you can feel

[33:53] that helps us get through those other

[33:55] moments

[33:57] this is [ __ ] perfect man this is

[34:00] [ __ ]

[34:01] perfect I'm thinking about just chilling

[34:04] here haven't said on those rocks

[34:10] yet I'm pretty wet though my electronics

[34:13] are getting

[34:15] wet um I sure have a lot to do today if

[34:20] I want to be

[34:21] responsible I don't I don't want to be

[34:25] responsible I want to be a wild child

[34:27] out in the

[34:31] woods liking the move of the

[34:35] beach I could live that way I would love

[34:45] it I hope that you had a good

[34:48] weekend I hope that you have a great

[34:50] week I'm so silly it's called fog of

[34:55] course it's just fog

[34:58] I don't know my brain does

[35:01] that that jeep right there is my

[35:03] favorite thing on

[35:05] earth and it started this adventure

[35:07] because I got that and then I drove it

[35:10] all the way to Arizona 2,000

[35:12] miles by the time I'd gotten back I was

[35:15] like I need an

[35:17] RB I love this thing right

[35:20] here when am I going to get a ducky

[35:23] though I only have one

[35:25] ducky nobody gives me ducky

[35:29] one little lonely ducky in my duck

[35:33] pond I bet Mason would like to see

[35:37] this he's been at this for a while look

[35:39] at the dent you put in this in you're

[35:41] going to make it fall

[35:44] off here get some ice

[35:48] crystals oh I got to fix

[35:52] the zoom on this thing

[35:58] you got to do more than that Bailey

[36:01] you're going to make it fall off the

[36:03] stick you're going to make it fall off

[36:05] the stick

[36:07] dude why are you so obsessed with that

[36:10] spot come on leave that spot

[36:16] alone you're going to have a sugar high

[36:18] aren't

[36:25] you yeah he doesn't get this very on and

[36:27] it's probably been a month and a

[36:30] half but you got to stop at some point

[36:36] dude look at that look in your

[36:41] face I think that's enough don't you I

[36:44] think that's enough

[0:00] good morning fellow humans it's Sunday

[0:03] 11:00

[0:04] a.m. decided to go hiking um I'm a

[0:07] little sore and you know I'm not nearly

[0:10] as sore as I thought I'd be I'm kind of

[0:13] surprised I guess this lifestyle even

[0:16] though I haven't been hiking like

[0:19] often I don't know I'm confused I'm

[0:22] honestly confused but you know I'll

[0:25] probably be sore after this I'm thinking

[0:28] see I haven't punished myself enough I'm

[0:30] not sore enough so I got to go

[0:33] hiking and get away from that Crazy Fire

[0:35] Starter like what the [ __ ] was that you

[0:38] know so we're just going to go

[0:41] hiking so I don't really think my

[0:43] reaction needs an explanation but you

[0:46] know he was 8 ft away from my camper and

[0:48] if that can had exploded I don't know if

[0:51] that would damage my camper or not I

[0:53] mean to me it was a very dangerous

[0:56] situation for them and for me and there

[1:00] were kids over there they were sleeping

[1:02] in I guess cuz you later I saw them and

[1:06] um that's just modeling really bad

[1:09] behavior that is just I I it just blows

[1:13] my mind that someone would do that

[1:15] that's just that was so

[1:18] reckless so anyways I

[1:22] um I just have this need to be outside

[1:24] lately I I don't really want to be in my

[1:26] camper it's not why I got into this

[1:29] lifestyle

[1:30] you know your RV is kind of like your

[1:32] home base it's your

[1:33] home you got to do stuff there

[1:38] but just don't want to be there so I had

[1:42] some aches this morning proud of myself

[1:44] for that dusted in Pepper I just wanted

[1:47] to tell you guys this little story so

[1:48] when I was a kid my mom used to do that

[1:51] she would make eggs for me and then she

[1:54] would just douse them and pepper they us

[1:56] made me so happy like you do it before I

[1:58] had to go to school every morning

[2:01] it's one of my earlier memories that

[2:03] just always stuck with me and I still do

[2:06] it I still put Lots in Lots pepp on my

[2:09] eggs at that

[2:12] me

[2:14] yeah desperately need to get myself

[2:16] cleaned up I'm going to try to do that

[2:18] today um you know I need to shave and

[2:21] just like I just need to take better

[2:22] care of myself like I would love to be

[2:24] able to use moisturizer on my face and

[2:28] just the things you doing a house but I

[2:31] just have found that very challenging

[2:32] here and I just it's been on my mind

[2:35] lately so I'm going to try to organize

[2:37] my bathroom in a way that I can figure

[2:40] out a way to just come up with a routine

[2:42] that works for me cuz I am

[2:45] weird I think I'll figure it out one of

[2:47] these days like I haven't properly

[2:50] shaved since I got on this little

[2:52] adventure of mine you know like I've

[2:53] been using my hair clippers to

[2:55] shave

[2:57] and like I never had facial hair like

[3:00] that my whole life and like all of a

[3:03] sudden I'm just

[3:04] like this life this lifestyle challenges

[3:07] me and all of

[3:09] the all of the ways that normal life

[3:11] challenged me so I just like it

[3:14] Amplified all of the things that I

[3:16] struggle with but I think it's a good

[3:19] thing I feel

[3:21] like just giving myself time and and

[3:24] keeping being mindful of the fact that

[3:26] these are things that I wanted to change

[3:28] and I'm trying to change you know will

[3:30] keep me moving in that direction

[3:32] so I'm going to master this if I want to

[3:36] so there was something I was thinking

[3:38] about I wanted to share with you guys um

[3:41] if you've seen enough of my content you

[3:43] probably have noticed like these

[3:44] patterns where I'll focus on something

[3:47] for a while and then it just kind of

[3:48] Fades into the distance into the past

[3:51] and um something replaces it like lately

[3:55] it's been my cognitive style and I

[3:57] wanted to kind of explain this

[4:00] so I only recently learned about my

[4:04] cognitive style I didn't know my whole

[4:06] life I knew I was different from others

[4:08] but I didn't know how different and it

[4:11] was a source of of Shame for me that I

[4:16] couldn't seem to connect with people and

[4:18] people just didn't seem to get me and

[4:21] you know all of that and when I

[4:23] discovered my cognitive style was like a

[4:25] light bulb went off and I started to

[4:28] understand

[4:30] and so the reason I'm focusing on it is

[4:32] because I'm still processing it I'm

[4:34] still examining all the ways that my

[4:37] brain works and how how

[4:40] that

[4:42] um I'm reexamining all of my past

[4:45] experiences you know it's like I'm

[4:48] reframing everything with this new

[4:49] knowledge that I have it's like my brain

[4:51] is updating and this is what that looks

[4:53] like it takes time it's a

[4:55] process um I don't know if for all that

[4:58] way I I would like to I think we we are

[5:01] where

[5:02] you you get a new insight and you I I I

[5:08] guess we're probably not it's I can see

[5:09] how that's a holistic way of looking at

[5:11] life so when I realized

[5:15] that when I had that light bulb moment

[5:18] it

[5:20] just there's a whole bunch of stuff

[5:22] going on in here um when I

[5:25] realized it's just

[5:27] everything it's such a pivotal important

[5:30] part of my

[5:33] identity that I'm just assessing

[5:36] everything I mean this goes all the way

[5:37] I I'll just give an example so cuz I

[5:40] haven't talked about this

[5:42] either I think my cognitive style

[5:44] developed as a result of my upbringing I

[5:47] think that growing up with a

[5:48] narcissistic parents and another parent

[5:52] who had childhood trauma that was

[5:55] unresolved and just that environment

[5:58] that I was raised in forced me to look

[6:00] at the bigger picture of things that was

[6:03] more important

[6:05] than like episodic memory I had to look

[6:08] at patterns

[6:10] and because that's how I kept myself

[6:12] safe I had to predict things I had to

[6:14] predict what's going on in the

[6:15] environment I had to understand the

[6:16] family

[6:17] Dynamics in half a mile turn right onto

[6:20] State Highway

[6:22] 744

[6:24] so that also goes into so when then I

[6:27] got older and I discovered I was gain I

[6:30] hit that because I didn't feel like I

[6:32] was safe to be out me of

[6:35] this

[6:38] um it just added a whole another layer

[6:41] to that where I was constantly having to

[6:44] assess societal Trends and you know it's

[6:48] like I'm decoding life all the time this

[6:50] is how AI explains it to me I'm just

[6:52] always decoding life and it has

[6:57] become a very central part of me like I

[7:02] can't not be that way anymore like it is

[7:04] just so deeply ingrained in me that

[7:06] that's that's what I

[7:08] do and

[7:11] so my cognitive style is the result of

[7:14] trauma and that's a really hard thing to

[7:17] accept even though I actually think that

[7:19] my mind is pretty

[7:22] awesome it came about as a result of

[7:25] trauma and so there's that there's that

[7:28] angle of it and it's just just these are

[7:30] all the things that are just going

[7:31] through my mind right now I'm just

[7:33] constantly I'm analyzing everything

[7:37] because an Insight like that has just

[7:41] very deep implications so how I interact

[7:44] with other people how I'm starting to

[7:47] recognize

[7:49] that because I see the bigger picture

[7:52] and I see what's underneath of the

[7:54] societal structures we have I sometimes

[7:57] have to be careful and explain what I'm

[7:59] not not talking about individuals you

[8:01] know

[8:05] um and I'm probably going to be stuck

[8:07] here for a while because that's a lot

[8:09] that's a lot to come to terms with

[8:11] that's what I'm

[8:13] doing we're

[8:18] back nice peaceful quiet

[8:21] day there a couple cars here they're

[8:24] probably out hiking somewhere since no

[8:25] one's

[8:28] fishing just think I'm pushing

[8:31] myself um that's okay there's a certain

[8:36] momentum like once you start

[8:39] hiking

[8:40] um there a momentum all its own if you

[8:43] keep doing

[8:45] it you

[8:48] just it's it's habit foring you

[8:51] know just if you keep doing it you are

[8:54] more likely to keep doing

[8:56] it that's important I want this I need

[8:59] this

[9:04] um all of my life I've known that this

[9:07] is

[9:10] where um I used to say that hiking for

[9:15] me was like taking

[9:17] Prozac it just has this calming effect

[9:20] on me it it centers me I get I get very

[9:24] uncentered somebody's got to um

[9:30] a hammock over there interesting they

[9:33] like let's just come out here in the

[9:34] woods and set up a

[9:36] hammock oh um it might rain

[9:39] today should have brought my rain coat I

[9:41] have a cute little rain

[9:43] coat but I didn't think to do

[9:46] that I like rain

[9:48] so if it rains I'll be

[9:52] happy um it doesn't look to me

[9:55] like doesn't look eminent so I guess

[9:58] we'll find out

[10:01] but yeah I'm

[10:03] here one thing I'm discovering is that I

[10:06] truly love being around water I remember

[10:09] when I was in Tennessee going through a

[10:11] draw I had that place pretty much to

[10:16] myself and I could just sit there and

[10:18] stare at the water and it just filled me

[10:20] with peace

[10:22] and

[10:24] um I really am finding

[10:27] that these environments are good for

[10:30] me especially Lake Cumberland though I

[10:34] was so desperate to jump in that water

[10:36] yesterday cuz it was hot and muggy and

[10:38] you know all of that there a little

[10:41] there he goes there he goes can you see

[10:43] him so cute they're so

[10:48] cute oh I looked up rafts and inflatable

[10:52] ones then you can get them um some are

[10:56] quite cheap like 25 bucks I saw a real

[10:59] good one on Amazon for like

[11:02] 400 um and it even included a motor so I

[11:06] didn't even consider that that was a

[11:09] possibility um and it had paddles and

[11:12] had paddles in the motor

[11:14] um and it did fit into a little bag

[11:18] seemed like it weighed quite a lot

[11:21] though

[11:23] so that's a consideration you know I

[11:25] have to be able to handle it

[11:27] myself um I don't think it's something I

[11:29] should buy online I need to I need

[11:32] to just be Hands-On about it so that I

[11:34] know what I'm getting

[11:36] into but I really want to do that I

[11:39] think that that

[11:40] is that could make a big difference in

[11:43] how I feel about when I'm doing right

[11:48] so um being able

[11:53] to

[11:55] yeah part of me really does want to live

[11:57] on a boat because I feel feel like

[11:59] that'd be easier than driving an

[12:01] RV you know

[12:04] like and easier to just kind

[12:08] of give yourself a little more

[12:11] Solitude

[12:13] and um of course it comes with its own

[12:15] set of challenges

[12:20] and I think I made a mistake I think

[12:22] that's what I should have

[12:24] done I'm just not excited about

[12:27] tomorrow I don't want want to drive it

[12:29] down to the tire place

[12:31] and especially when the tires are low on

[12:35] air I won't drive fast I was thinking

[12:37] maybe 45 M hour

[12:40] tops um you guys tell me if even that's

[12:43] too fast um should I keep my blinkers on

[12:47] the whole

[12:49] time I got to go

[12:52] like like 15 miles to get

[12:56] there I'm not excited about it I'm not

[12:59] happy about this at

[13:00] all you know and then Bailey's got to be

[13:03] in his carrier and it's just the whole

[13:05] thing is going to be a

[13:06] challenge I got to get up on top of my

[13:09] camper um in case there's three up

[13:12] there and you know I've been pushing

[13:15] myself a lot hiking these past three

[13:17] days thought about them like hope I'm

[13:19] not so sore after I leave here that it's

[13:23] actually challenging to climb that

[13:27] ladder plus I'm

[13:29] definitely afraid of heights like it is

[13:31] going to

[13:32] be an exceptionally hard thing for me to

[13:36] do I I have to because if there's debris

[13:39] up there I cannot risk somebody getting

[13:41] hurt

[13:45] so just hate this part of this life and

[13:48] I'm not good at it and I never will be

[13:52] and I can there's nothing I'm kind about

[13:54] saying that it's honest

[14:01] I

[14:03] my my sec I spent most of my life in the

[14:07] digital world and in my head in my mind

[14:11] in my you know my internal

[14:15] world and I just flipped

[14:19] that and everything is a challenge for

[14:22] me

[14:23] now

[14:26] so I don't expect it to be

[14:30] thought I'd adapt better than I

[14:34] have but you know I have to be honest

[14:37] about

[14:39] it it's

[14:41] been so I started tracking time again

[14:43] it's been over not sure how many days

[14:46] but it's been over 3 months it's been

[14:47] over 100

[14:49] days

[14:53] um we're

[14:56] approaching we're approaching four

[14:58] months

[14:59] the stupid eye bugs I hate

[15:03] them

[15:09] um I'm

[15:11] hopeful that it gets easier but I just

[15:15] based on how I'm feeling

[15:19] and just just the way that I think I

[15:21] just don't I don't feel that way right

[15:24] now I got to climb this got to climb

[15:27] that it wasn't difficult

[15:30] um super confused cuz I have not been

[15:33] all that active

[15:35] lately I spent a week in my camper like

[15:38] going through that linal state

[15:41] and I'm

[15:44] confused I'm doing way better than I

[15:46] thought I

[15:48] would so that's good news it's just

[15:52] surprising I

[15:54] guess you know what it's cuz I quit

[15:57] smoking isn't it

[15:59] wow even though I'm

[16:01] vaping it's because I quit smoking it

[16:04] has to

[16:05] be it's the only thing to explain

[16:08] that quit smoking if you're a smoker

[16:11] there's

[16:12] benefits I just went up another steep

[16:14] climb

[16:16] and

[16:19] wow I'm happy about

[16:22] that I didn't I was wondering if I

[16:26] experience any benefits from quitting

[16:28] smoking yet yet but I clearly have and

[16:30] didn't

[16:32] realize I'm not you

[16:34] know

[16:37] but way

[16:39] better imine about being a month 3

[16:42] months 6 months a

[16:43] year 10

[16:46] years I do want to quit vaping also

[16:50] um not quite there yet but it's just you

[16:54] know I'm taking steps I'm um

[16:59] clearly benefiting from

[17:01] switching that's

[17:05] undeniable then I could be even better

[17:08] if I quit vaping

[17:10] too oh I guess I should talk about this

[17:14] so I do think that Lake Cumberland

[17:18] is a magical place that I would love to

[17:21] live in to explore all of

[17:24] that

[17:27] but I think that would be misguided of

[17:30] me

[17:31] to definitively say that's where I

[17:35] belong

[17:37] because I haven't seen everywhere right

[17:41] so how do I know there aren't other

[17:43] places that I would love even

[17:46] more

[17:49] um I'm in this

[17:52] RV because I wanted to find that

[17:56] place I think I found it

[18:00] I really think I found

[18:01] it

[18:04] but that's not good timing I just got

[18:07] the thing right I don't know I'm I'm

[18:09] contemplating

[18:11] it I think I would love it there there

[18:15] is a vibe to that place the nature is

[18:20] beautiful

[18:21] um there's just an energy to the place

[18:24] some places have that I can't explain it

[18:26] and Arbor is the same way just enter

[18:29] that

[18:30] area and there's this positive vibe in

[18:33] the

[18:34] air and you know I'm not spiritual I'm

[18:37] not applying anything esoteric to that

[18:41] statement but

[18:44] I'm acknowledging a perception I have

[18:47] When I visit places like

[18:49] that whatever causes

[18:51] them and I feel it there at Lake

[18:57] Cumberland so I don't know

[19:03] definitely going there lot in the next

[19:05] month because I want to explore them a

[19:06] little more and I want to go swimming

[19:09] there I am genuinely amazed how little I

[19:12] am struggling cuz I'm not struggling at

[19:14] all

[19:15] like I have

[19:22] hiked I don't

[19:24] know 15 16 17 miles in the last 2 days

[19:32] and

[19:35] nothing how I not in shape I don't eat

[19:40] well drink Mountain Dew all day that's

[19:43] where all my calories come

[19:47] from I don't know I am an enigma to

[19:52] myself I always have been it's a puzzle

[19:54] that I'm always trying to

[19:56] uncover I love this

[20:00] you know not complaining about it I just

[20:02] want to understand it I want to decode

[20:04] it something really interesting happened

[20:06] yesterday I didn't tell you guys so well

[20:08] a couple of things I guess I'll share

[20:09] the mo there's a man over here in the

[20:12] brown Water I talked about that one day

[20:14] he's fishing so there must be fish in

[20:16] there I asked do you think there's fish

[20:18] in there there's fish in there hold on

[20:21] I'm going to talk in a minute I'm going

[20:24] to go over to that spot over

[20:26] there and hang out talk to you guys if I

[20:30] can get over

[20:31] there it's probably

[20:34] wet and then probably wrap my video up

[20:37] and just edit it right

[20:39] there um let's just talk about some

[20:43] stuff this is so

[20:46] nice oh I'd love to get my wrapped and

[20:49] just

[20:53] go so

[20:57] nice Okay what is all that who is that

[21:00] what is that a dog I hope that's a

[21:02] dog okay it's a

[21:04] mushy this is not surprising

[21:08] right oh I don't want to get

[21:11] dirty okay it's not sand I thought it

[21:13] was sand let's go

[21:15] back this is not sand we are not doing

[21:22] this unfortunately

[21:25] because I would have enjoyed that

[21:29] but it's wet very

[21:31] wet we'll find somewhere

[21:34] else oh I just heard some

[21:37] Thunder please

[21:39] rain it doesn't look like it's going to

[21:42] rain but I want it

[21:44] to

[21:46] oh one aspect I didn't explain

[21:50] so my metacognitive ability where I'm

[21:53] constantly monitoring my own

[21:56] thoughts and discussing them that is

[22:00] also an evolutionary response to my

[22:02] upbringing it's

[22:04] environmental

[22:06] um it's from being gay and hiding my

[22:09] sexuality and constantly monitoring do I

[22:11] appear like a straight

[22:13] person you know

[22:15] and navigating those

[22:18] years probably did that also as a child

[22:22] to Model Behavior that my parents found

[22:25] acceptable and provided me with love

[22:29] that I didn't

[22:31] get so I have mixed feelings about it

[22:33] all

[22:38] because the person you see before you is

[22:41] the result

[22:42] of a lot of

[22:45] trauma and while it has made me into a

[22:48] special

[22:50] person that sure did come out a cost

[22:52] didn't it I did go hiking that day that

[22:55] I did my laundry I didn't share it I

[22:58] actually did make a video of it but I

[23:00] had my headphones in and I was listening

[23:03] to the song over on repeat

[23:05] and um I thought you could hear it and

[23:08] I'm singing along along the

[23:10] trail and I was like and then I you know

[23:13] went to edit it I was like oh you can't

[23:15] hear that I'm just singing and sounding

[23:18] real weird right now maybe I don't want

[23:21] to post this one so I didn't so every

[23:25] once in a while comes back to my mind

[23:27] and I'm like maybe I should just post

[23:29] it

[23:31] um I am totally cool

[23:35] with if you saw me I mean I hadn't gone

[23:37] hiking in a while and I was just

[23:40] thrilled to be out there I was even more

[23:42] childlike I was saying yes I into the

[23:45] you know just the air

[23:48] and um struggling it was a real

[23:52] difficult ik for me CU it had been a

[23:53] while and um but struggle

[24:00] I don't react to

[24:02] struggle like the way I react

[24:06] is I guess with excitement I or

[24:08] something I I don't know I

[24:11] I feels

[24:14] good

[24:16] so I don't know maybe one day I'll post

[24:19] it see I've been on this

[24:23] Trail no spider webs I think I got hit

[24:26] once when

[24:29] even though nobody's hiking it when it's

[24:33] regularly hiked it's not as big of a

[24:35] deal that's why that trail yesterday it

[24:37] was like okay nobody hikes this

[24:39] thing I there's no way it was so bad and

[24:43] I can see why

[24:45] because it wasn't a great spot where you

[24:47] ended up didn't take you down to the

[24:50] water there's other ways to get a view

[24:53] like that better views directly from

[24:55] your

[24:56] vehicle just wasn't a very magical

[24:59] spot wasn't worth the 3

[25:03] miles um how do research and find some

[25:06] other places so there have to be more

[25:08] Trails I'm glistening again I like that

[25:12] word such a nice word isn't it

[25:14] glistening how the [ __ ] am I not

[25:16] struggling at all this is so

[25:21] crazy what is going on inside my body

[25:24] right now and why and what do I have

[25:28] have to do to keep that

[25:30] going we're definitely going to the

[25:32] Natural Bridge we're going to hike the

[25:33] sand Gap trail and all day

[25:35] event um I was starting to wonder like

[25:38] should I go on Tuesday you know maybe

[25:40] give myself a

[25:41] break I'm

[25:43] wondering maybe I don't get myself a

[25:47] break it's

[25:49] crazy it's doing fine we're going to go

[25:51] chill over here found a little safe

[25:55] spot I like this one this one faces the

[25:57] lake

[26:00] just hang out there for a

[26:02] while might end my video here I think

[26:05] and I um yesterday's video when I was

[26:08] here I edited it in the parking lot and

[26:11] it took I mean it was 45 minutes so I

[26:13] had to watch the whole thing I was in my

[26:15] car for

[26:17] hours and I was like I hope people

[26:19] aren't

[26:20] like you know who knows what people

[26:22] think

[26:24] so maybe

[26:26] they're worried about a guy just sit

[26:28] his

[26:31] Jeep yeah I'm doing

[26:33] fine truly am so let me show you we're

[26:37] at the spot where the lake is that guy

[26:39] is fishing I

[26:42] think and over there's the dam that's

[26:45] where we're going to end

[26:47] up oh love to have a raft on

[26:51] here oh it' be so

[26:55] fine so fine

[26:58] that looks like a

[27:01] beach

[27:03] hey that's

[27:05] dirt

[27:09] H it's a it's a navigable spot I don't

[27:13] know I want to do it yet though maybe if

[27:15] I had a blanket or

[27:17] something guess I'm getting prissy in my

[27:19] old age I don't mind getting

[27:23] dirty I'm mind getting

[27:26] dirty but I don't want to sit on

[27:29] where it's wet and stuff like that that

[27:30] wouldn't be

[27:32] fun maybe I should go swimming right

[27:36] now how do you know if that's allowed

[27:39] can you just do it and

[27:44] like what is the Aon Norm on

[27:47] this wonder what that water feels like

[27:50] the

[27:52] temperature I'm working myself up I

[27:54] won't do it today don't think I'm

[27:56] getting in there um but this looks like

[27:59] a clean

[28:02] Lake I might go swimming

[28:05] soon wonder how fast that current

[28:09] is how far it will take

[28:12] me it's

[28:16] floating oh so pretty over there

[28:20] clouds those mountains in the

[28:23] background

[28:26] beautiful yeah I think I'm just going to

[28:28] end my video here and I'll just edit it

[28:30] just sitting here on this bench just

[28:32] chill for a while cuz not in a hurry I

[28:35] got a lot to do though if I'm going to

[28:36] go to the tire shop in the

[28:39] morning I don't want to go

[28:48] there guys what do I need to hear

[28:52] to have a better attitude about that cuz

[28:56] I really don't want to go

[29:00] there man

[29:03] up my

[29:06] go and get on the top of my camper oh

[29:10] God I'd much rather be out here this is

[29:13] where I want to

[29:19] be this is so nice I love this trly love

[29:24] this

[29:28] we have

[29:33] rain I don't know if you can see it on

[29:35] the

[29:36] [Music]

[29:37] camera

[29:40] training

[29:43] yay

[29:45] raining quite

[29:47] wet lost my earbud but I found it I'd

[29:51] show you a whole lot more cuz I'm having

[29:53] a great time these trails are turning

[29:55] into

[29:56] streams uh my phone isn't going to hold

[29:59] up with this so I had my GoPro or

[30:02] something I'm going to be I need to be

[30:04] more prepared I'm having a blast right

[30:15] now yeah the rain is doing that it's

[30:19] hitting my screen and I guess it's warm

[30:21] enough it's feels colder but guess it's

[30:23] warm enough that it's

[30:26] detecting touch you

[30:29] know love

[30:31] this yeah I couldn't even um I couldn't

[30:34] even open it up for a while there it

[30:36] wasn't registering my fingerprints at

[30:39] all this is

[30:43] awesome oh this is what life is

[30:46] about

[30:48] and

[30:52] woo

[30:54] [Music]

[30:55] oh what a perfect [ __ ] day

[30:59] look at

[31:00] that oh I want to be out

[31:03] there get my my raft go over there hang

[31:10] out I am wet very

[31:17] wet it's cleansing it's

[31:22] refreshing I love ring

[31:28] guess I don't know how to detect when

[31:29] it's coming though I was convinced it

[31:30] wasn't so time for this surfing

[31:35] room yes I am old so this

[31:41] is

[31:45] um what do they call that I don't even

[31:48] know oh this is a w

[32:02] this is

[32:03] awesome this is what it's about this is

[32:05] what life is

[32:11] [Music]

[32:21] about this is what life's

[32:24] about that spider web looks abandoned

[32:27] but sure

[32:28] pretty right here at the End Bridge

[32:32] 47 not bad

[32:35] spider where' you head off

[32:37] to may be the only one

[32:40] here Jeep in the

[32:43] distance standing Sentinel at the

[32:46] lake o I love that the um it's not smoke

[32:51] what is that

[32:52] um you know something to do with water

[32:56] steam it's like a steam but I I don't

[32:57] know what they call it Ste what do they

[32:59] call that that's so pretty so pretty

[33:02] some over

[33:03] there oh I love this

[33:06] place this place just me here this is

[33:09] all me I am alone in the

[33:12] world there's no better way to

[33:16] be

[33:20] oh I love

[33:25] it since when you should be out on a rra

[33:34] fishing yeah life is good guys life is

[33:38] good hope you know that hope you feel

[33:42] that oh I don't always feel that

[33:45] so you just got to make space for

[33:47] yourself where you can feel

[33:53] that helps us get through those other

[33:55] moments

[33:57] this is [ __ ] perfect man this is

[34:00] [ __ ]

[34:01] perfect I'm thinking about just chilling

[34:04] here haven't said on those rocks

[34:10] yet I'm pretty wet though my electronics

[34:13] are getting

[34:15] wet um I sure have a lot to do today if

[34:20] I want to be

[34:21] responsible I don't I don't want to be

[34:25] responsible I want to be a wild child

[34:27] out in the

[34:31] woods liking the move of the

[34:35] beach I could live that way I would love

[34:45] it I hope that you had a good

[34:48] weekend I hope that you have a great

[34:50] week I'm so silly it's called fog of

[34:55] course it's just fog

[34:58] I don't know my brain does

[35:01] that that jeep right there is my

[35:03] favorite thing on

[35:05] earth and it started this adventure

[35:07] because I got that and then I drove it

[35:10] all the way to Arizona 2,000

[35:12] miles by the time I'd gotten back I was

[35:15] like I need an

[35:17] RB I love this thing right

[35:20] here when am I going to get a ducky

[35:23] though I only have one

[35:25] ducky nobody gives me ducky

[35:29] one little lonely ducky in my duck

[35:33] pond I bet Mason would like to see

[35:37] this he's been at this for a while look

[35:39] at the dent you put in this in you're

[35:41] going to make it fall

[35:44] off here get some ice

[35:48] crystals oh I got to fix

[35:52] the zoom on this thing

[35:58] you got to do more than that Bailey

[36:01] you're going to make it fall off the

[36:03] stick you're going to make it fall off

[36:05] the stick

[36:07] dude why are you so obsessed with that

[36:10] spot come on leave that spot

[36:16] alone you're going to have a sugar high

[36:18] aren't

[36:25] you yeah he doesn't get this very on and

[36:27] it's probably been a month and a

[36:30] half but you got to stop at some point

[36:36] dude look at that look in your

[36:41] face I think that's enough don't you I

[36:44] think that's enough

14:01

Assessing RV Living Constraints and Reassessing Everything

Jul 18, 2024

8:29

Naming Hypervigilance and Its Origin

Jul 18, 2024

3:24

Naming a Liminal State on Camera

Jul 18, 2024

10:32

Addressing Channel Intent and Viewer Response Patterns

Jul 24, 2024

14:34

Tire Escalation, Comment Visibility, and RV Adjustments

Jul 24, 2024

4:12

Responding to Comment on Parasocial Connection

Jul 25, 2024

6:16

Learning Dual Tire Systems, Preparing Monday Service

Jul 25, 2024

119:38

Hiking the 47 Bridges Trail in Kentucky

Jul 27, 2024

17:47

Driving to Lake Cumberland, Hiking a Neglected Trail

Jul 27, 2024

9:48

Documenting Neighbor's Lighter Fluid Fire Behavior

Jul 28, 2024

36:46

Hiking Lake Cumberland Trails, Decoding Cognitive Style

Jul 28, 2024

38:07

Documenting Financial Position and Channel Direction

Jul 29, 2024

24:49

Questioning Music, Manipulation, and Channel Continuation

Jul 30, 2024

3:17

Addressing Troll Comments on Fire Hazard Video

Jul 31, 2024

14:54

Naming the Five-Month Identity Shed

Jul 31, 2024

10:00

Cabin Stay Near Natural Bridge, Planning Next Phase

Aug 1, 2024

8:04

Recording at 4 AM on Family Contact Ending

Aug 1, 2024

6:18

Proposing an Autumn Stay Near Natural Bridge

Aug 1, 2024

7:55

Learning Charcoal Grilling for the First Time

Aug 2, 2024

9:00

Preparing Pre-Dawn Hike from Cabin

Aug 2, 2024

24:22

Hiking Natural Bridge Trails at Sunrise

Aug 2, 2024

90:46

Hiking Sand Gap Trail in Red River Gorge

Aug 2, 2024

126:43

Hiking Sand Gap Trail at Natural Bridge

Aug 3, 2024

5:59

Describing the Video-to-AI Growth Process

Aug 3, 2024

12:29

Assessing Cabin Stay and Nomadic Lifestyle Fit

Aug 3, 2024

5:18

Returning Home, Researching Total Solitude Options

Aug 3, 2024

0:16

Declaring an End Point on Camera

Aug 3, 2024

0:33

Eating Alone at Pizza Hut

Aug 3, 2024

8:01

Organizing the Camper Before Moving Day

Aug 4, 2024

13:13

Identifying the Mink, Building New Routines

Aug 5, 2024

4:20

Reframing the RV as a Starship

Aug 6, 2024

26:25

Testing Starship Narrative Framing on Daily Routine

Aug 6, 2024

6:46

Reframing the Channel Around an Alien Format

Aug 7, 2024

2:51

Concluding Personal Channel, Launching Alien Observer

Aug 8, 2024

10:06

Taking In a Stray Kitten at the Campground

Aug 9, 2024

8:30

Integrating Rescued Kitten Into RV Life

Aug 10, 2024

10:14

Bringing a Rescued Kitten Into the RV

Aug 10, 2024

6:39

Following Vet Instructions for Rescued Kitten

Aug 11, 2024

5:13

Monitoring Luna's Recovery Overnight

Aug 11, 2024

8:51

Taking Luna to the Vet Appointment

Aug 12, 2024

4:53

Documenting Luna's Vet Appointment and Flea Treatment

Aug 12, 2024

PUBLIC

July 28, 2024 rswfire PUBLISHED

Temp 0.20

Density 0.70

Energetic Quality

buoyant and analytically charged

Journey Phase

integrating

Directional Vector

toward embodiment and terrain, away from a life lived only in the internal world

Narrative

Sunday came in overcast at eleven in the morning, and rswfire went hiking because he was not sore enough. He said it plainly into the camera: he had expected more damage from the previous days on the trails and had not found it, and the absence confused him. There was also the matter of the man who had started a fire eight feet from his camper the day before — a can, children asleep nearby, the whole thing reckless enough that rswfire named it as dangerous for them and for him and did not soften it. He wanted to be outside. He described the camper as home base, the place where things get done, and stated that he did not want to be in it. So he made eggs and doused them in pepper the way his mother did before school, one of his earliest memories, still the way he does it, and he got in the Jeep.

The drive became a monologue. He talked about needing to shave properly for the first time since the adventure began, about wanting moisturizer and a bathroom organized well enough to hold a routine, about how this lifestyle amplified every ordinary thing that had always been difficult and how he considered that useful. Then he turned to his cognitive style — recently named, still being absorbed. He described the light bulb moment, the shame that preceded it, and the work he was doing now: re-indexing his entire history against it. He stated his position directly, that the pattern recognition came from his upbringing, from a narcissistic parent and another parent with unresolved childhood trauma, from having to read the environment and predict the family dynamics to keep himself safe. In half a mile, turn right onto State Highway 744. The navigation cut through the sentence and he continued past it: that when he understood he was gay, another layer went on top, societal trends to assess, constant calibration. He called it decoding life. He said he can no longer not be that way. He said his mind is pretty awesome and that it came from trauma, and he held both statements without letting either one dissolve the other.

The trailhead was nearly empty — a few cars, no one fishing yet, someone's hammock strung up in the woods with no one in it. He walked. He talked about momentum, how hiking builds its own habit, how he used to say it was like taking Prozac for him, how it centers him when he gets uncentered. He talked about water: Tennessee, a gorge he had to himself, sitting and staring until it filled him with peace. He had researched inflatable rafts, found one for twenty-five dollars and a better one for four hundred with a motor and paddles included, and decided he needed to see it in person before buying. He said part of him wants to live on a boat. He said he thinks he made a mistake, that maybe that is what he should have done.

The next morning's obligations pressed in. Tires low on air, fifteen miles to the shop, forty-five miles an hour tops, hazards on or off, Bailey crated for the drive. And the camper roof — debris possibly up there after the storms, a ladder to climb, an explicit fear of heights, and no option to skip it because he would not risk something falling loose and hurting someone. He said he hates this part of the life, that he is not good at it and never will be, and that there is no kind way to say it, only an honest one. He had spent most of his life in the digital world and inside his own head, he said, and had flipped that entirely, and now everything is a challenge. Over three months in. Approaching four. He had thought he would adapt better.

Then he went up another steep climb and arrived at the answer. He kept circling the same fact — fifteen, sixteen, seventeen miles in two days, no conditioning, no good food, Mountain Dew for most of his calories — and he could not account for it, and the accounting arrived mid-ascent: it's cuz I quit smoking, isn't it. He said it had to be, that it was the only thing that explained it, that he had wondered whether he would feel benefits yet and clearly had without noticing. He extrapolated forward — a month, three, six, a year, ten years — and named vaping as the next step, not yet, but a step. He said he is an enigma to himself, a puzzle he is always trying to uncover, and that he is not complaining about it, he just wants to understand it.

Thunder arrived and he asked for rain. He talked about Lake Cumberland having a vibe, an energy, the same thing he feels near Ann Arbor, and immediately disclaimed the esoteric reading — not spiritual, not applying anything to it, only acknowledging a perception. He said he thinks he found the place he set out in the RV to find, and that the timing is wrong, and that it would be misguided to declare it definitively because he has not seen everywhere yet. He passed a man fishing in the brown water and asked whether there were fish; there were. He tried to reach a shoreline spot and turned back because the ground was wet and he did not want to sit in it. He considered swimming and worked himself up to not doing it. Somewhere in there he added the last piece of the audit: that his metacognitive monitoring is environmental too, from hiding his sexuality, from checking whether he appeared straight, from modeling behavior his parents would find acceptable in exchange for love he did not get. He said the person you see is the result of a lot of trauma and that it made him a special person, and that it sure did come at a cost.

Then the rain came for real. The trails ran as streams. His phone stopped registering his fingerprint, then started reading the raindrops as touches. He lost an earbud and found it. He said he was having a blast, that he needed a GoPro, that he needed to be more prepared, and then stopped narrating logistics and just said this is what life is about, and said it again, and again. He reached Bridge 47 at the end of the trail, wet through, an abandoned spider web strung pretty beside him, fog rising off the lake he could not name until he could — it's called fog, of course it's just fog — the dam in the distance, the Jeep standing sentinel in the parking area, the vehicle that started all of it with two thousand miles to Arizona and back. No one else out there. This is all me. I am alone in the world. There's no better way to be. He said he would rather be a wild child in the woods than be responsible, said he could live that way and would love it, and wished whoever was watching a good week. The footage ends back at the camper with Bailey, obsessed with a spot on a stick, working at it long past the point rswfire told him it was enough.

Summary

rswfire records a Sunday hike near Lake Cumberland, opening with reference to a camper-adjacent fire incident the prior day — a man starting a fire roughly eight feet from his camper with a can present and children nearby, which he describes as reckless and dangerous. He states he currently does not want to be inside his camper.

He reports physical baseline exceeding expectation: 15–17 miles hiked over two days with no soreness or struggle, despite limited recent activity. He attributes the change to quitting smoking, noting he still vapes and intends to quit that as well.

Extended segment on cognitive style. He describes recently learning about it, states it developed as a response to his upbringing — a narcissistic parent and a parent with unresolved childhood trauma — requiring pattern reading and environmental prediction over episodic memory. He connects metacognitive monitoring to years of concealing his sexuality. He states he is reframing past experience with this knowledge and that this will take time.

Practical items and plans:

Researching inflatable rafts ($25–$400 range, some with motors); wants to buy in person, not online
Tomorrow's tire shop trip, ~15 miles, driving slowly on low tires; must climb the camper roof to check for debris, and states he is afraid of heights
Personal-care routine and bathroom organization; has not properly shaved since starting this lifestyle

Rain arrives mid-hike. He continues filming in it, notes fog over the water, and ends with footage of Bailey and his Jeep.

Environment

Recorded across a single Sunday in late July 2024, roughly four months into rswfire's RV travel, in the Lake Cumberland region of Kentucky. The signal opens in the Jeep on a drive to a trailhead — turn-by-turn navigation audible onto State Highway 744 — and continues on foot along lakeside forest trails, ending at a bridge and shoreline overlook with the dam visible in the distance.

The field is largely unpopulated: a few parked cars, one man fishing, an unattended hammock, no other hikers. Weather shifts mid-recording from overcast to thunder to sustained rain, with trails running as streams and fog on the water. Terrain includes steep climbs, wet ground he declines to sit on, and spider-web-free maintained trail. The closing footage is back at the camper with Bailey. Camp-adjacent context includes a recent incident with a person starting a fire eight feet from the camper, and a pending tire-shop trip the next morning.

Substrate

Two architectures run in parallel: a live somatic audit — the body outperforming rswfire's own prediction across 15–17 miles, traced to the smoking cessation — and a cognitive audit, in which he retroactively re-indexes his entire history against a newly named cognitive style. He holds the position that his pattern-recognition and metacognitive monitoring are environmentally derived adaptations rather than innate traits, and states both the capability and its cost without collapsing either into the other. The ontological stance is that of a system examining its own build history while simultaneously stress-testing its physical substrate, with solitude and open terrain as the operating conditions under which both audits are possible.

Actions

Performed

•driving to trailhead
•narrating to camera while hiking
•climbing steep grades
•tracking soreness and exertion against expectation
•explaining cognitive style origin on record
•assessing shoreline access points
•declining to sit on wet ground
•hiking through active rainfall
•noting phone touchscreen failing in rain
•observing fog, spider web, wildlife, fishing man
•stating solitude preference aloud
•filming Bailey with a treat

Referenced

•hiked 15–17 miles over prior two days
•witnessed a person starting a fire 8 feet from the camper
•spent a week in the camper in a liminal state
•quit smoking, switched to vaping
•shaved with hair clippers since starting the RV life
•learned about his cognitive style recently
•grew up with a narcissistic parent and a parent with childhood trauma
•concealed sexuality while young
•sat by water in Tennessee
•hiked a poor 3-mile trail the previous day
•recorded an unposted hiking video while singing
•edited a 45-minute video in the parking lot
•researched inflatable rafts online
•drove the Jeep 2,000 miles to Arizona
•started tracking elapsed time again (100+ days)

Planned

•drive camper to tire shop at 45 mph
•climb onto camper roof to clear debris
•crate Bailey for the drive
•shave and reorganize the bathroom
•build a self-care routine that fits the space
•buy a raft in person rather than online
•return to Lake Cumberland to explore and swim
•hike Natural Bridge and Sand Gap trail
•quit vaping eventually
•possibly post the withheld hiking video
•acquire a GoPro for wet conditions

Entities

beings

Bailey — his cat; must be crated for the tire-shop drive, filmed at the close

Mason — person he mentions would like to see the footage

places

Lake Cumberland — Kentucky lake he names as a place with distinct energy and a candidate for where he belongs

Natural Bridge — planned hiking destination

Sand Gap Trail — planned all-day hike

State Highway 744 — navigation instruction audible during the drive

Tennessee — prior location where he sat by water alone

Arizona — 2,000-mile Jeep trip that preceded acquiring the RV

Arbor — named alongside Lake Cumberland as having the same perceived atmospheric quality

systems

Jeep — names it his favorite thing on earth and the origin point of the adventure

Amazon — source of raft listings he researched

AI — source of the 'decoding life' framing he adopts for his cognition

concepts

Prozac — his long-used comparison for hiking's centering effect

cognitive style — the newly named construct he is re-indexing his history against

media

Mountain Dew — named as the source of most of his calories

"Over" — song he had on repeat during the unposted hike video

Symbolic Elements

Represented archetypes or recurring motifs.

water

rain

fire

fog

trail

bridge

dam

ladder

threshold

spider web

raft

vehicle

shoreline

Ontological States

Expressed modes of being or awareness.

integrating (re-examining entire personal history against a newly named cognitive frame)

embodied (somatic performance tracked in real time and found to exceed prediction)

sovereign-in-solitude (states alone in the world as the preferred condition, no better way to be)

transitional (four months into RV life, adaptation explicitly assessed as slower than expected)

attuned (perceiving place-specific atmospheric quality while explicitly disclaiming esoteric framing)

Engaged Subsystems

Architecture engaged in this transmission.

somatic (exertion, soreness, breath capacity post-smoking measured against expectation)

cognitive (metacognitive monitoring, pattern recognition, retroactive reframing of history)

infrastructural (camper tires, roof debris, bathroom layout, phone hardware failing in rain)

ecological (lake, terrain, weather, wildlife read as operating environment)

ethical (fire-starter reckless behavior assessed as risk to others; refusal to risk debris injuring someone)

logistical (raft purchase, route planning, crating the cat, drive speed)

media (recording, editing, deciding what to post)

domestic (grooming routine, eggs-and-pepper continuity from childhood, cat care)

Dominant Language

Core motifs or linguistic fields.

cognitive style / decoding life

I'm not struggling at all

trauma as origin, not identity

momentum / habit forming

this is what life is about

alone in the world

everything is a challenge for me now

Narrative

Mirror

You are moving. Sunday, 11:00 a.m., four months into RV travel, and you leave the camper because you do not want to be in it. You drive the Jeep to a trailhead on State Highway 744 and walk lakeside forest trails at Lake Cumberland with the previous three days of hiking still in your legs. You are sore and you say the soreness is less than predicted. You hiked fifteen, sixteen, seventeen miles in the last two days. You state directly that you are not struggling at all, then state that you do not eat well and drink Mountain Dew all day, then locate the discrepancy: you quit smoking. You call it undeniable. You run the audit in real time — steep climb, breath, surprise, hypothesis, confirmation — and you say you want to know what to do to keep it going.

Two audits run at once. The somatic one is happening under your feet. The cognitive one is retroactive. You are re-indexing your entire history against a cognitive style you only recently learned to name, and you say plainly that this is what it looks like when your brain updates — that it takes time, that you are still processing, that you will probably be stuck here for a while. You state that the pattern recognition came from having to predict a household, and the metacognitive monitoring came from modeling behavior your parents would reward and from years of checking whether you appeared straight. You name the capability and you name what it cost, in the same breath, without folding either into the other: your mind is pretty awesome, and it came from trauma. You call the mixed feelings mixed feelings. You do not resolve them.

The infrastructural subsystem is loud and unwelcome. Tires low on air, fifteen miles to the shop tomorrow, forty-five miles an hour, blinkers, Bailey in a carrier, and the ladder onto the roof you are afraid to climb. You say you hate this part of this life, that you are not good at it and never will be, that you are not being unkind — you are being honest. And then you climb it anyway in advance, in your head, because there may be debris up there and you will not risk someone getting hurt. The same ethical line runs backward to the fire eight feet from your camper: reckless, dangerous for them and for you, kids nearby, bad modeling. You assess risk to others in both directions and you do not soften either assessment.

The domestic register is present and specific. Eggs doused in pepper, carried unbroken from your mother's kitchen to this morning. Shaving with hair clippers. Moisturizer you want to use and a bathroom you intend to reorganize so a routine can exist in it. You say the lifestyle amplified everything normal life already challenged you with. You say you thought you'd adapt better than you have. You say you think it's a good thing.

The field is nearly empty. A few parked cars, one man fishing, an unattended hammock, no other hikers. Overcast becomes thunder becomes sustained rain. The trails run as streams, your phone stops reading your fingerprints, you lose an earbud and find it. You say you are having a blast. You say this is what life is about, three times. At the bridge, with fog on the water and the dam in the distance and the Jeep standing in the distance, you say: this is all me, I am alone in the world, there's no better way to be. Then you say you don't always feel that way, and that you have to make space where you can.

What is present: exertion tracked against prediction, a build history under examination, weather welcomed, water wanted, a place named as possibly the place and immediately withheld from that designation because you haven't seen everywhere yet. What is absent: complaint, urgency, any request to be relieved of tomorrow. You ask what you need to hear to have a better attitude about the tire shop, and you keep walking. The signal ends inside the camper, with Bailey and a stick and a treat, and you telling him that's enough.

Queryable Personhood

Hand your life to anything that reads.

Share this link with artificial intelligence — it reads the full transcript, analysis, and reflections. An AI-readable mirror of this signal.

URL

The qpkey in this URL is a per-signal access token. Anyone with the URL can read the record — treat it like a share link, not a password.

Hiking Lake Cumberland Trails, Decoding Cognitive Style

Energetic Quality

Journey Phase

Directional Vector

Tags

Summary

Environment

Substrate

Actions

Performed

Referenced

Planned

Entities

Symbolic Elements

Ontological States

Engaged Subsystems

Dominant Language

Hand your life to anything that reads.