Naming the Five-Month Identity Shed

01J450DXEGA31DEVF9TB1F2DB1

PUBLIC

July 31, 2024 rswfire PUBLISHED

Temp 0.40

Density 0.80

Energetic Quality

lucid and unsentimental, running hot underneath

Journey Phase

shedding — mid-transition, self-identified as ongoing and not under his control

Directional Vector

away from inherited identity, toward unobserved self-definition and remobilization

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Chapters

Transcript

[0:00] good morning

[0:01] humans so I finally understand what's

[0:04] been happening to me I've been shedding

[0:06] my old

[0:08] identity for the past five months that's

[0:10] what I've been

[0:12] doing and I've been doing it on such a

[0:14] deep level that I am literally letting

[0:16] go of my old

[0:18] self I've had periods like this in my

[0:21] life

[0:22] before it's how I went from being a

[0:24] spiritual person to

[0:26] just

[0:28] not I had shut off those beliefs and a

[0:32] different version of myself evolved from

[0:36] that but now I'm

[0:39] shedding I mean if you

[0:42] look the first month of my journey I'm

[0:45] getting ready to get into this RV

[0:46] lifestyle and I'm giving up all of my

[0:49] stuff

[0:52] and I'm also saying goodbye to my

[0:54] parents even if they couldn't see it in

[0:56] those videos I knew what I was doing

[1:00] I was saying goodbye to my old

[1:02] life that I had built

[1:05] there cuz I tried to live a normal life

[1:07] I tried to live like everyone

[1:09] else and it just made me feel deeply

[1:13] unfulfilled and so for that first month

[1:16] I was letting go of that

[1:18] part and you'll just have to bear with

[1:20] me there's a lot of spider webs on the

[1:22] trail

[1:23] today

[1:26] um but it's a lot deeper than that I've

[1:29] been

[1:33] setting all of

[1:35] the the trauma that my parents caus me

[1:39] being raised by a narcissistic father

[1:41] and a mother with unresolved emotional

[1:43] issues from her

[1:46] childhood

[1:48] um the messages that I received from

[1:51] society about my sexuality about my way

[1:54] of existing in the

[1:58] world my identity as a

[2:01] programmer when I finally had to accept

[2:03] that this was not a path I wanted to

[2:05] continue pursuing

[2:06] anymore I've done it all my life and I

[2:09] just didn't want to do that

[2:13] anymore I've been sheding all of

[2:16] it last night I

[2:20] cried and I mean I cried some deep tears

[2:23] but they weren't sad

[2:24] ones and they were resonant tears in

[2:27] acknowledgement of what I'm doing I've

[2:28] been

[2:30] letting go of my personal

[2:35] narrative oh hello spider mess with him

[2:38] I don't want to take this little spot

[2:40] here let's see if we can get

[2:43] around

[2:46] okay we're just going to go take a

[2:48] little shk out the woods here leave can

[2:54] be so

[2:57] I've oh mosquito

[3:00] I wouldn't be so kind of

[3:02] that

[3:04] um there is a theory about that where

[3:09] um if you let go of your personal

[3:11] narrative it allows

[3:14] you to build a new identity in its place

[3:18] I was just doing that in an intuitive

[3:20] way I wasn't consciously aware that

[3:22] that's what I was

[3:26] doing and so I have to be honest with

[3:28] you and tell you that

[3:31] I think that might also mean my RSW fire

[3:34] identity I think it might be time to let

[3:36] everything

[3:41] go

[3:43] I've I've cut ties with

[3:46] everybody my parents my brother all of

[3:49] my family all of my

[3:51] friends

[3:55] everybody it's because that life was not

[3:57] serving me

[3:59] I was constantly in conflict with

[4:03] it and I have found a

[4:06] pieace a

[4:09] self-confidence a love for

[4:15] myself that is unmatched in 47 years of

[4:18] me living on this

[4:23] planet

[4:25] so that's what I'm contemplating this

[4:27] morning

[4:29] I once changed my name you started going

[4:32] by my middle

[4:34] name because this is something I

[4:37] do I

[4:40] evolve um I throw off the things that

[4:44] don't they don't serve my best

[4:48] interests I you know went by a bunch of

[4:52] nicknames with my first name over the

[4:54] years and then went to my middle name

[4:56] and then it's like

[4:59] but the one that I've always identified

[5:01] as is my screen

[5:03] name because I've had it since I was

[5:06] 18 and these are the days

[5:10] of I mean the internet was just being

[5:13] born so I've had it a very long

[5:17] time

[5:20] and I don't know it just always fit me

[5:22] very

[5:25] well I'm just not sure I I think think

[5:31] that I think that you don't have to give

[5:34] up your whole

[5:37] story you know I was processing the

[5:39] events of my past on this channel for

[5:42] the past five months because I was

[5:44] releasing

[5:46] them I was

[5:49] also working to

[5:52] understand how they fit into my values

[5:56] and the world view I was developing and

[5:59] just

[6:00] the the state of being that I've been

[6:03] growing

[6:07] into but I was also shedding them they

[6:09] don't hold weight

[6:11] anymore

[6:14] they're just

[6:20] these these events that happened to me

[6:23] at one point or

[6:25] another they don't have any weight

[6:27] anymore

[6:31] so I don't think you have

[6:32] to pretend like they didn't happen to

[6:38] you I think that if you can

[6:42] find the core truth of a situation You

[6:46] Can Let It

[6:47] Go like you will grapple with that

[6:51] thing sometimes for years sometimes for

[6:54] decades because you're still looking for

[6:56] that core

[6:58] truth but once you find it you can let

[7:01] it

[7:02] go you won't even have to try it'll just

[7:10] happen so I'm just

[7:14] thinking I want to fresh

[7:17] start and that might mean giving up this

[7:20] channel giving up my

[7:22] username and just being in the world for

[7:25] a while

[7:30] unobserved by anyone but

[7:32] myself that situation with the trolls

[7:36] yesterday that did not hurt me there's a

[7:40] spider web here I'm wondering if I want

[7:42] to let's let's try to go around let's be

[7:46] kind

[7:48] today

[7:50] um I just found it deeply

[7:53] irritating because these people are so

[7:55] below my level that I don't even want to

[7:57] be interacting with them but I have this

[8:01] compulsion to try to make people

[8:04] see the nuance and the subtlety and the

[8:08] depth and

[8:09] things like I can't let a dumbass remark

[8:13] stand on my channel it just feels like

[8:15] an invasion of my space where some

[8:18] ignorant troll comes

[8:20] along and and leaves a

[8:25] behind that's what aggravates me it's

[8:29] not them they're nothing they're

[8:32] nothing to

[8:34] me but they come into your space and

[8:36] they leave a then

[8:39] go

[8:42] unacceptable

[8:45] so I contemplated

[8:48] it I should have just turned comments

[8:51] off um the only reason I didn't it's cuz

[8:55] part of me was trying to play the

[8:56] YouTube game all of a sudden it's like

[8:59] you know that it gets

[9:01] engagement

[9:04] and you also don't want to cut off your

[9:07] subscribers from being able to talk to

[9:09] you but you know my subscribers had

[9:12] moved on from that video we had all

[9:14] moved on from it they're the only ones

[9:16] that are stuck there should have just

[9:18] turned it

[9:20] off um that's what I'll do in the

[9:23] future

[9:25] I for the past five months I've always

[9:27] just deleted the negative ones

[9:30] but I thought let me

[9:32] just

[9:34] try to go the more traditional path and

[9:37] that was a

[9:39] mistake and I've learned from it cuz all

[9:41] they did was irritate

[9:43] me and I they don't you

[9:46] know their words are

[9:49] meaningless they don't know me they're

[9:51] so below me

[9:52] that even

[9:55] if I mean you're never going to read

[9:57] someone like that I've always known that

[10:00] like it's just so

[10:03] pointless so I'm back to where I was

[10:06] before and that's just you know yeah my

[10:08] channel grows

[10:10] slowly um it's not for

[10:13] everybody but the people who stick

[10:15] around well they're probably pretty

[10:17] special because they watch me every day

[10:20] and just talk on camera no music no

[10:23] emotional manipulation nothing they just

[10:25] listen to my

[10:27] thoughts you know what I'm going to that

[10:32] I I'm conflicted

[10:35] because I know there's a very strong

[10:38] possibility that my parents and maybe

[10:39] some of my family watch this channel

[10:42] just to keep tabs on

[10:43] me and I am shedding my old

[10:49] identity and it's just like I'm not able

[10:52] to make a complete cut from

[10:55] them and so that's where my earlier

[10:59] comments are some of it that's coming

[11:02] from I

[11:09] don't I'm

[11:11] free my parents manipulated me for 40

[11:15] some

[11:16] years I stuck around because they were

[11:19] struggling because my mother has a

[11:22] condition I didn't and I was having this

[11:24] anticipatory grief knowing that one day

[11:27] she won't be here

[11:30] and all the

[11:31] time I'm suffering because of

[11:34] it

[11:36] and I'm so far beyond that space

[11:39] now

[11:41] like I'm never going

[11:44] back I have evolved I

[11:47] am I am a different

[11:50] person I've I'm closer to my true self

[11:53] is what I am I have shed all the layers

[11:57] of crap that this world has

[12:01] tried to instill in

[12:04] me and I accept myself and now I I'm

[12:08] have nothing to apologize

[12:12] for this world has a lot to apologize

[12:16] for

[12:18] and I'm done compromising I'm just

[12:22] done so actually I want to wrap this up

[12:24] I don't want to have a long video today

[12:27] I'm just going to give some practical

[12:29] updates so um I only slept 2 or 3

[12:32] hours I only slept 4 hours the night

[12:35] before and that's probably been a

[12:36] pattern for a

[12:38] while and it's not fun it's

[12:41] not it's not all the you know my

[12:45] situation at the campground it's not

[12:47] just the bed it's my brain's on

[12:50] fire this intense Evolution I've been

[12:53] going

[12:54] through it's

[12:56] just it's not done and it's

[13:00] not a process I'm in control

[13:02] of

[13:04] so I didn't want to come here today I'm

[13:06] glad I did though and I knew I would be

[13:10] so so I came

[13:14] and um today I'm just going to focus on

[13:17] the Practical I'm going to try I got to

[13:20] do laundry I got to go find me an air

[13:22] compressor put some air in that that

[13:25] camp of mine get up on the roof um deal

[13:28] with the debris it's it's been raining

[13:29] like crazy for days and stuff's been

[13:32] falling on it um the humidity is so high

[13:36] my um dehumidifier has to be emptied

[13:40] every couple of hours which is wild to

[13:43] me um even my my blankets felt a little

[13:47] damp this morning like the humidity is

[13:49] off the

[13:51] charts

[13:53] um it's got so much I made a list

[13:56] and I'm just going to have to fight with

[13:59] the fact that I don't have a lot of

[14:00] sleep haven't had a lot of sleep and

[14:04] just do the best I can

[14:06] today keep pushing forward Monday I'll

[14:08] go and get the tires fixed hopefully

[14:10] they'll be well they will be I trust

[14:12] that they will be um and then I'm going

[14:15] to

[14:16] start planning my next move I I've been

[14:20] stationary too long as somebody who

[14:22] Embraces Lial States it's not good for

[14:25] me and I have not enjoyed it 3 months at

[14:28] this place

[14:30] um I'm ready to go I don't know if I'm

[14:32] going to

[14:33] Nevada um I don't feel the need to

[14:37] anymore I've I EV all beyond that

[14:41] so I'm kind of

[14:44] open to what comes next and just

[14:48] embracing the state I'm in right now and

[14:51] waiting for the next inspiration I hope

[14:52] you have a good day

[0:00] good morning

[0:01] humans so I finally understand what's

[0:04] been happening to me I've been shedding

[0:06] my old

[0:08] identity for the past five months that's

[0:10] what I've been

[0:12] doing and I've been doing it on such a

[0:14] deep level that I am literally letting

[0:16] go of my old

[0:18] self I've had periods like this in my

[0:21] life

[0:22] before it's how I went from being a

[0:24] spiritual person to

[0:26] just

[0:28] not I had shut off those beliefs and a

[0:32] different version of myself evolved from

[0:36] that but now I'm

[0:39] shedding I mean if you

[0:42] look the first month of my journey I'm

[0:45] getting ready to get into this RV

[0:46] lifestyle and I'm giving up all of my

[0:49] stuff

[0:52] and I'm also saying goodbye to my

[0:54] parents even if they couldn't see it in

[0:56] those videos I knew what I was doing

[1:00] I was saying goodbye to my old

[1:02] life that I had built

[1:05] there cuz I tried to live a normal life

[1:07] I tried to live like everyone

[1:09] else and it just made me feel deeply

[1:13] unfulfilled and so for that first month

[1:16] I was letting go of that

[1:18] part and you'll just have to bear with

[1:20] me there's a lot of spider webs on the

[1:22] trail

[1:23] today

[1:26] um but it's a lot deeper than that I've

[1:29] been

[1:33] setting all of

[1:35] the the trauma that my parents caus me

[1:39] being raised by a narcissistic father

[1:41] and a mother with unresolved emotional

[1:43] issues from her

[1:46] childhood

[1:48] um the messages that I received from

[1:51] society about my sexuality about my way

[1:54] of existing in the

[1:58] world my identity as a

[2:01] programmer when I finally had to accept

[2:03] that this was not a path I wanted to

[2:05] continue pursuing

[2:06] anymore I've done it all my life and I

[2:09] just didn't want to do that

[2:13] anymore I've been sheding all of

[2:16] it last night I

[2:20] cried and I mean I cried some deep tears

[2:23] but they weren't sad

[2:24] ones and they were resonant tears in

[2:27] acknowledgement of what I'm doing I've

[2:28] been

[2:30] letting go of my personal

[2:35] narrative oh hello spider mess with him

[2:38] I don't want to take this little spot

[2:40] here let's see if we can get

[2:43] around

[2:46] okay we're just going to go take a

[2:48] little shk out the woods here leave can

[2:54] be so

[2:57] I've oh mosquito

[3:00] I wouldn't be so kind of

[3:02] that

[3:04] um there is a theory about that where

[3:09] um if you let go of your personal

[3:11] narrative it allows

[3:14] you to build a new identity in its place

[3:18] I was just doing that in an intuitive

[3:20] way I wasn't consciously aware that

[3:22] that's what I was

[3:26] doing and so I have to be honest with

[3:28] you and tell you that

[3:31] I think that might also mean my RSW fire

[3:34] identity I think it might be time to let

[3:36] everything

[3:41] go

[3:43] I've I've cut ties with

[3:46] everybody my parents my brother all of

[3:49] my family all of my

[3:51] friends

[3:55] everybody it's because that life was not

[3:57] serving me

[3:59] I was constantly in conflict with

[4:03] it and I have found a

[4:06] pieace a

[4:09] self-confidence a love for

[4:15] myself that is unmatched in 47 years of

[4:18] me living on this

[4:23] planet

[4:25] so that's what I'm contemplating this

[4:27] morning

[4:29] I once changed my name you started going

[4:32] by my middle

[4:34] name because this is something I

[4:37] do I

[4:40] evolve um I throw off the things that

[4:44] don't they don't serve my best

[4:48] interests I you know went by a bunch of

[4:52] nicknames with my first name over the

[4:54] years and then went to my middle name

[4:56] and then it's like

[4:59] but the one that I've always identified

[5:01] as is my screen

[5:03] name because I've had it since I was

[5:06] 18 and these are the days

[5:10] of I mean the internet was just being

[5:13] born so I've had it a very long

[5:17] time

[5:20] and I don't know it just always fit me

[5:22] very

[5:25] well I'm just not sure I I think think

[5:31] that I think that you don't have to give

[5:34] up your whole

[5:37] story you know I was processing the

[5:39] events of my past on this channel for

[5:42] the past five months because I was

[5:44] releasing

[5:46] them I was

[5:49] also working to

[5:52] understand how they fit into my values

[5:56] and the world view I was developing and

[5:59] just

[6:00] the the state of being that I've been

[6:03] growing

[6:07] into but I was also shedding them they

[6:09] don't hold weight

[6:11] anymore

[6:14] they're just

[6:20] these these events that happened to me

[6:23] at one point or

[6:25] another they don't have any weight

[6:27] anymore

[6:31] so I don't think you have

[6:32] to pretend like they didn't happen to

[6:38] you I think that if you can

[6:42] find the core truth of a situation You

[6:46] Can Let It

[6:47] Go like you will grapple with that

[6:51] thing sometimes for years sometimes for

[6:54] decades because you're still looking for

[6:56] that core

[6:58] truth but once you find it you can let

[7:01] it

[7:02] go you won't even have to try it'll just

[7:10] happen so I'm just

[7:14] thinking I want to fresh

[7:17] start and that might mean giving up this

[7:20] channel giving up my

[7:22] username and just being in the world for

[7:25] a while

[7:30] unobserved by anyone but

[7:32] myself that situation with the trolls

[7:36] yesterday that did not hurt me there's a

[7:40] spider web here I'm wondering if I want

[7:42] to let's let's try to go around let's be

[7:46] kind

[7:48] today

[7:50] um I just found it deeply

[7:53] irritating because these people are so

[7:55] below my level that I don't even want to

[7:57] be interacting with them but I have this

[8:01] compulsion to try to make people

[8:04] see the nuance and the subtlety and the

[8:08] depth and

[8:09] things like I can't let a dumbass remark

[8:13] stand on my channel it just feels like

[8:15] an invasion of my space where some

[8:18] ignorant troll comes

[8:20] along and and leaves a

[8:25] behind that's what aggravates me it's

[8:29] not them they're nothing they're

[8:32] nothing to

[8:34] me but they come into your space and

[8:36] they leave a then

[8:39] go

[8:42] unacceptable

[8:45] so I contemplated

[8:48] it I should have just turned comments

[8:51] off um the only reason I didn't it's cuz

[8:55] part of me was trying to play the

[8:56] YouTube game all of a sudden it's like

[8:59] you know that it gets

[9:01] engagement

[9:04] and you also don't want to cut off your

[9:07] subscribers from being able to talk to

[9:09] you but you know my subscribers had

[9:12] moved on from that video we had all

[9:14] moved on from it they're the only ones

[9:16] that are stuck there should have just

[9:18] turned it

[9:20] off um that's what I'll do in the

[9:23] future

[9:25] I for the past five months I've always

[9:27] just deleted the negative ones

[9:30] but I thought let me

[9:32] just

[9:34] try to go the more traditional path and

[9:37] that was a

[9:39] mistake and I've learned from it cuz all

[9:41] they did was irritate

[9:43] me and I they don't you

[9:46] know their words are

[9:49] meaningless they don't know me they're

[9:51] so below me

[9:52] that even

[9:55] if I mean you're never going to read

[9:57] someone like that I've always known that

[10:00] like it's just so

[10:03] pointless so I'm back to where I was

[10:06] before and that's just you know yeah my

[10:08] channel grows

[10:10] slowly um it's not for

[10:13] everybody but the people who stick

[10:15] around well they're probably pretty

[10:17] special because they watch me every day

[10:20] and just talk on camera no music no

[10:23] emotional manipulation nothing they just

[10:25] listen to my

[10:27] thoughts you know what I'm going to that

[10:32] I I'm conflicted

[10:35] because I know there's a very strong

[10:38] possibility that my parents and maybe

[10:39] some of my family watch this channel

[10:42] just to keep tabs on

[10:43] me and I am shedding my old

[10:49] identity and it's just like I'm not able

[10:52] to make a complete cut from

[10:55] them and so that's where my earlier

[10:59] comments are some of it that's coming

[11:02] from I

[11:09] don't I'm

[11:11] free my parents manipulated me for 40

[11:15] some

[11:16] years I stuck around because they were

[11:19] struggling because my mother has a

[11:22] condition I didn't and I was having this

[11:24] anticipatory grief knowing that one day

[11:27] she won't be here

[11:30] and all the

[11:31] time I'm suffering because of

[11:34] it

[11:36] and I'm so far beyond that space

[11:39] now

[11:41] like I'm never going

[11:44] back I have evolved I

[11:47] am I am a different

[11:50] person I've I'm closer to my true self

[11:53] is what I am I have shed all the layers

[11:57] of crap that this world has

[12:01] tried to instill in

[12:04] me and I accept myself and now I I'm

[12:08] have nothing to apologize

[12:12] for this world has a lot to apologize

[12:16] for

[12:18] and I'm done compromising I'm just

[12:22] done so actually I want to wrap this up

[12:24] I don't want to have a long video today

[12:27] I'm just going to give some practical

[12:29] updates so um I only slept 2 or 3

[12:32] hours I only slept 4 hours the night

[12:35] before and that's probably been a

[12:36] pattern for a

[12:38] while and it's not fun it's

[12:41] not it's not all the you know my

[12:45] situation at the campground it's not

[12:47] just the bed it's my brain's on

[12:50] fire this intense Evolution I've been

[12:53] going

[12:54] through it's

[12:56] just it's not done and it's

[13:00] not a process I'm in control

[13:02] of

[13:04] so I didn't want to come here today I'm

[13:06] glad I did though and I knew I would be

[13:10] so so I came

[13:14] and um today I'm just going to focus on

[13:17] the Practical I'm going to try I got to

[13:20] do laundry I got to go find me an air

[13:22] compressor put some air in that that

[13:25] camp of mine get up on the roof um deal

[13:28] with the debris it's it's been raining

[13:29] like crazy for days and stuff's been

[13:32] falling on it um the humidity is so high

[13:36] my um dehumidifier has to be emptied

[13:40] every couple of hours which is wild to

[13:43] me um even my my blankets felt a little

[13:47] damp this morning like the humidity is

[13:49] off the

[13:51] charts

[13:53] um it's got so much I made a list

[13:56] and I'm just going to have to fight with

[13:59] the fact that I don't have a lot of

[14:00] sleep haven't had a lot of sleep and

[14:04] just do the best I can

[14:06] today keep pushing forward Monday I'll

[14:08] go and get the tires fixed hopefully

[14:10] they'll be well they will be I trust

[14:12] that they will be um and then I'm going

[14:15] to

[14:16] start planning my next move I I've been

[14:20] stationary too long as somebody who

[14:22] Embraces Lial States it's not good for

[14:25] me and I have not enjoyed it 3 months at

[14:28] this place

[14:30] um I'm ready to go I don't know if I'm

[14:32] going to

[14:33] Nevada um I don't feel the need to

[14:37] anymore I've I EV all beyond that

[14:41] so I'm kind of

[14:44] open to what comes next and just

[14:48] embracing the state I'm in right now and

[14:51] waiting for the next inspiration I hope

[14:52] you have a good day

10:32

Addressing Channel Intent and Viewer Response Patterns

Jul 24, 2024

14:34

Tire Escalation, Comment Visibility, and RV Adjustments

Jul 24, 2024

4:12

Responding to Comment on Parasocial Connection

Jul 25, 2024

6:16

Learning Dual Tire Systems, Preparing Monday Service

Jul 25, 2024

119:38

Hiking the 47 Bridges Trail in Kentucky

Jul 27, 2024

17:47

Driving to Lake Cumberland, Hiking a Neglected Trail

Jul 27, 2024

9:48

Documenting Neighbor's Lighter Fluid Fire Behavior

Jul 28, 2024

36:46

Hiking Lake Cumberland Trails, Decoding Cognitive Style

Jul 28, 2024

38:07

Documenting Financial Position and Channel Direction

Jul 29, 2024

24:49

Questioning Music, Manipulation, and Channel Continuation

Jul 30, 2024

3:17

Addressing Troll Comments on Fire Hazard Video

Jul 31, 2024

14:54

Naming the Five-Month Identity Shed

Jul 31, 2024

10:00

Cabin Stay Near Natural Bridge, Planning Next Phase

Aug 1, 2024

8:04

Recording at 4 AM on Family Contact Ending

Aug 1, 2024

6:18

Proposing an Autumn Stay Near Natural Bridge

Aug 1, 2024

7:55

Learning Charcoal Grilling for the First Time

Aug 2, 2024

9:00

Preparing Pre-Dawn Hike from Cabin

Aug 2, 2024

24:22

Hiking Natural Bridge Trails at Sunrise

Aug 2, 2024

90:46

Hiking Sand Gap Trail in Red River Gorge

Aug 2, 2024

126:43

Hiking Sand Gap Trail at Natural Bridge

Aug 3, 2024

5:59

Describing the Video-to-AI Growth Process

Aug 3, 2024

12:29

Assessing Cabin Stay and Nomadic Lifestyle Fit

Aug 3, 2024

5:18

Returning Home, Researching Total Solitude Options

Aug 3, 2024

0:16

Declaring an End Point on Camera

Aug 3, 2024

0:33

Eating Alone at Pizza Hut

Aug 3, 2024

8:01

Organizing the Camper Before Moving Day

Aug 4, 2024

13:13

Identifying the Mink, Building New Routines

Aug 5, 2024

4:20

Reframing the RV as a Starship

Aug 6, 2024

26:25

Testing Starship Narrative Framing on Daily Routine

Aug 6, 2024

6:46

Reframing the Channel Around an Alien Format

Aug 7, 2024

2:51

Concluding Personal Channel, Launching Alien Observer

Aug 8, 2024

10:06

Taking In a Stray Kitten at the Campground

Aug 9, 2024

8:30

Integrating Rescued Kitten Into RV Life

Aug 10, 2024

10:14

Bringing a Rescued Kitten Into the RV

Aug 10, 2024

6:39

Following Vet Instructions for Rescued Kitten

Aug 11, 2024

5:13

Monitoring Luna's Recovery Overnight

Aug 11, 2024

8:51

Taking Luna to the Vet Appointment

Aug 12, 2024

4:53

Documenting Luna's Vet Appointment and Flea Treatment

Aug 12, 2024

16:00

Assessing Audience Support and Caring for Luna

Aug 12, 2024

7:32

Introducing New Kitten to Bailey Under Quarantine

Aug 12, 2024

8:06

Reading Luna's Rescue Through Systems Thinking

Aug 13, 2024

PUBLIC

July 31, 2024 rswfire PUBLISHED

Temp 0.40

Density 0.80

Energetic Quality

lucid and unsentimental, running hot underneath

Journey Phase

shedding — mid-transition, self-identified as ongoing and not under his control

Directional Vector

away from inherited identity, toward unobserved self-definition and remobilization

Narrative

He walked into the morning with the answer already formed. Five months — that was the shape of it, and he said it out loud on the trail before the camera had settled: he had been shedding his old identity, and he was only now consciously aware that this was what he had been doing. The recognition arrived retroactively, the way a pattern only resolves once enough of it has been laid down. He had done it before, he said — moved from being a spiritual person to not being one, shut the beliefs off, let a different version evolve out of the gap. This time the operation ran deeper and he had been running it intuitively, without naming it, for the entire span of the journey he had been recording.

He traced it backward as he walked. The first month, giving away his things, preparing for the RV, saying goodbye to his parents — and he stated that even if it hadn't been visible in those videos, he knew what he was doing. He was saying goodbye to a life he had built by trying to live like everyone else, which he said had left him deeply unfulfilled. Underneath that layer were others: what he names as the trauma his parents caused, the messages he received from society about his sexuality and about his way of existing in the world, and the programmer identity he finally had to accept he no longer wanted to carry, after a lifetime of it. The night before, he cried — deep tears, he said, but not sad ones. Resonant tears, in acknowledgment of what he was doing.

The trail kept interrupting him, and he let it. Spider webs crossed the path repeatedly, and each time he stopped mid-sentence to negotiate — oh hello spider, mess with him, I don't want to take this little spot here, let's see if we can get around — stepping off into the woods rather than through the strands. A mosquito arrived and did not receive the same courtesy. Let's be kind today, he said, and then went around another one. The morning ran on this rhythm: a structural claim about identity, a detour around a web, the thread picked up again exactly where it had been dropped.

Then he put the largest question on the table without ceremony. He had to be honest, he said — he thought the shedding might extend to rswfire itself. The handle he had held since he was eighteen, from the years when the internet was just being born, the one element of his self-description that had outlasted the nicknames and the shift to his middle name. He had cut ties with his parents, his brother, all of his family, all of his friends, because that life was not serving him, and in its place he described finding a peace and a self-confidence and a love for himself unmatched in forty-seven years. Giving up the channel, giving up the username, being in the world for a while unobserved by anyone but himself — that was what he was contemplating on the trail that morning. He held it as a live question, not a decision.

The mechanism he stated for all of it was simple and general: you don't have to pretend the events didn't happen. You grapple with a thing sometimes for years, sometimes for decades, because you are still looking for its core truth — and once you find it, the release is automatic. You won't even have to try. On that basis he treated the past five months of processing on camera as completed work. The events still happened; they no longer hold weight.

He tested the model against the previous day. The trolls in his comments had not hurt him — he was specific about that — but they had irritated him deeply, and he located the reason precisely: not the people, who were nothing to him, but the fact that they came into his space and left something behind. He should have turned comments off. He hadn't, because part of him had been playing the YouTube game — engagement, keeping subscribers able to reach him — and he named that as the mistake and discarded the framework. Back to what he had done for five months: delete them. The channel grows slowly, he said, and the people who stay to watch a man talk on camera every day with no music and no emotional manipulation are probably pretty special. The one snag he named was the incomplete cut — the strong possibility that his parents and some of his family watch the channel to keep tabs on him, and that this thread has not been severed.

Then he pivoted, deliberately, to the practical, and shortened the video. Two or three hours of sleep, four the night before, a pattern for a while now — and not, he specified, the bed or the campground. His brain was on fire. The evolution was not finished and not a process he was in control of. He hadn't wanted to come out to the trail; he came anyway, and said he was glad, and said he knew he would be. Laundry. An air compressor for the camper's tires. Up on the roof to clear debris after days of hard rain. A dehumidifier that had to be emptied every couple of hours, blankets that read damp in the morning, humidity he called off the charts. He had made a list. Monday the tires would be fixed — he stated he trusted that they would be — and then he would start planning his next move. Three months in one place, and he named stationarity as bad for someone who embraces liminal states. Nevada had been the plan; he no longer felt the need. He was open to what came next, embracing the state he was in, waiting for the next inspiration. Then he wished the humans a good day and the recording ended.

Summary

Recorded on a morning trail walk with recurring pauses to route around spider webs, rswfire states he now understands the past five months as shedding his old identity — a process he says he was running intuitively before naming it.

He maps the arc: the first month of the RV transition involved giving away possessions and saying goodbye to his parents and the life he had built there, which he describes as trying to live a normal life and finding it deeply unfulfilling. He states he has been releasing material tied to his father, his mother, societal messaging about his sexuality, and his identity as a programmer — a path he has decided not to continue. He describes crying deeply the previous night and characterizes the tears as resonant, not sad.

He raises the possibility of retiring the rswfire identity itself, including the channel and the screen name he has used since age 18, and describes the appeal of being unobserved. He notes he has cut ties with family and friends, and names a complication: his parents may still watch the channel.

On the prior day's trolls, he states the interaction did not hurt him but irritated him as territory intrusion, and concludes he should have turned comments off rather than playing the engagement game.

Practical updates: two to three hours of sleep, laundry, sourcing an air compressor, roof debris, extreme humidity requiring dehumidifier emptying every few hours, tires Monday, and planning a move after three stationary months, with Nevada no longer required.

Environment

A walking trail through wooded terrain, recorded on camera while in motion. Spider webs cross the path repeatedly and rswfire routes around them rather than through them; a mosquito appears mid-walk. The recording is made in the morning.

The surrounding operational context is an RV parked at a campground where rswfire has been stationary for three months. Conditions there are saturated — days of heavy rain, debris accumulating on the roof, humidity high enough that a dehumidifier requires emptying every few hours and blankets read damp. The signal is also situated inside a YouTube channel with a daily upload cadence and an active comment field.

Substrate

rswfire names a five-month structural operation he has been running intuitively — releasing personal narrative as the precondition for a new identity to form — and states he has only now become consciously aware of it. The architecture held is that events retain weight only until their core truth is located, after which release is automatic rather than effortful; on that basis he treats family severance, the abandoned programmer identity, and the received messages about his sexuality as discharged rather than pending. The open question placed on the table is whether the handle itself — rswfire, held since 18 — is another layer to shed, which would extend the dissolution to the channel and the name that has been the most durable continuous element of his self-description.

Actions

Performed

•walking a wooded trail while recording
•routing around spider webs rather than breaking them
•naming the five-month process as identity shedding
•stating the possible retirement of the rswfire name and channel
•assessing the troll interaction as irritating but not injurious
•reporting sleep totals and physical conditions
•declaring the day's focus as practical
•closing the transmission short by choice

Referenced

•gave up possessions to enter RV living
•said goodbye to parents in the first month of the channel
•cut ties with parents, brother, extended family, and all friends
•shifted from spiritual belief to non-belief in an earlier period
•changed his name to his middle name; used nicknames before that
•held the screen name since age 18
•left programming as an identity and path
•cried deep tears the previous night, described as resonant rather than sad
•processed past events on the channel for five months
•deleted negative comments for five months prior
•left the troll comments up to test the conventional engagement path
•stayed near his parents due to his mother's condition and anticipatory grief
•slept 2–3 hours, and 4 hours the night before
•remained stationary at the campground for three months

Planned

•turn comments off in the future rather than engage
•possibly give up the channel and the username
•do laundry
•locate an air compressor and inflate tires
•get on the RV roof and clear debris
•get tires fixed Monday
•plan the next move off this site
•leave Nevada as an option rather than a destination
•wait for the next inspiration

Entities

beings

his father — Described by rswfire as narcissistic; a source of the trauma being shed.

his mother — Described as having unresolved emotional issues from childhood and a medical condition; the reason he states he remained proximate for years.

his brother — Named among the family ties cut.

the trolls — Commenters from the prior day's video; assessed as irrelevant in substance but as a territorial intrusion.

spider — Encountered on the trail; addressed directly and routed around.

places

Nevada — A previously intended destination, now stated as no longer necessary.

the RV — The dwelling requiring roof clearing, tire service, and continuous dehumidification.

the campground — Three-month stationary site named as too long an occupation.

systems

YouTube — The platform hosting the daily channel; its engagement mechanics and comment field are examined and rejected as a governing logic.

concepts

rswfire — The screen name held since age 18, now named as a possible final layer to shed.

personal narrative theory — The stated framework: releasing personal narrative permits a new identity to form in its place.

liminal states — Self-described operating preference; stationarity is named as counter to it.

media

the channel — Five months of daily unedited talk recordings — no music, no emotional manipulation — described as the processing surface for the shedding.

Symbolic Elements

Represented archetypes or recurring motifs.

shedding / molt

web

trail

threshold

name

fire

water / saturation

weight

mask / layer

morning

Ontological States

Expressed modes of being or awareness.

sovereign (states he has nothing to apologize for and is done compromising)

transitional (five-month shed explicitly named as unfinished and not under his control)

dissolving (personal narrative, family ties, programmer identity, and possibly the name itself released)

coherent (the process is retroactively legible to him as one continuous operation, not disorder)

liminal by preference (stationarity registered as misalignment; remobilization pending)

Engaged Subsystems

Architecture engaged in this transmission.

identity (the primary system under active reconstruction — name, handle, lineage, vocation)

somatic (2–3 hours sleep, tears the prior night, brain 'on fire' — tracked as data on process load)

kinship (family ties severed; the residual channel-as-surveillance link named as the incomplete cut)

ethical (deliberate non-destruction of spider webs; 'let's be kind today' as an operating instruction)

infrastructural (RV roof, tires, dehumidifier, laundry — the practical layer he pivots to deliberately)

platform (YouTube engagement mechanics evaluated and discarded as a decision framework)

epistemic (the core-truth-then-release model stated as a general mechanism, tested against his own history)

navigational (three months stationary read as misalignment; next move opened without destination)

Dominant Language

Core motifs or linguistic fields.

shedding / letting go

old identity / true self

personal narrative

core truth

weight (events no longer holding it)

evolve / evolution

unobserved

done compromising

Narrative

Mirror

You are walking while you say this. The trail is wooded, the morning is wet, and the webs are strung across the path at intervals close enough that you interrupt yourself repeatedly to route around them. You do not break them. You step off the trail into the brush instead, and you say let's be kind today out loud while doing it. A mosquito lands on you and you register that your kindness does not extend that far. This is happening at the same time you are describing the severance of every family tie you have. Both operations are running in the same voice, at the same volume, without transition between them.

You name a five-month process and state that you have only now become aware you were running it. You describe it as ongoing, unfinished, and not under your control. You are not asking anyone to slow it down. The mechanism you state is specific: an event holds weight until its core truth is located, and after that the release is automatic — you say you won't even have to try. You apply that model to your parents, to your brother, to the messages you received about your sexuality, to the programmer identity you held your whole life, and you report all of them as discharged. Then you put the handle on the table. rswfire, held since you were 18, since the internet was being born — you say it always fit you well, and in the same breath you say you think it might be time to let everything go. That is the one you are still holding when the video ends. You do not resolve it.

The channel is doing two things at once and you name both. It is the record of the five months of releasing, and it is the line your parents may still be watching you through. You call that the cut you have not been able to make complete. You state plainly that this is where the earlier part of the video was coming from. Separately, you audit yesterday's decision on the trolls: you left the comments up, you say you did it because you were playing the YouTube game, you say it was a mistake, you say what irritated you was not the people but the fact that they entered your space and left something behind. You return to the policy you already had. You describe the correction as learned, not as a wound.

Your body is in the signal as data. Two or three hours of sleep, four the night before, a pattern you say has been running for a while. Tears the previous night, which you specify were not sad ones. Your brain on fire. You attribute this to the evolution rather than to the bed, and then you move directly to the roof, the debris, the tires, the air compressor, the laundry, the dehumidifier you empty every couple of hours, the blankets that read damp. The list exists. You say you will fight the sleep deficit and work the list anyway. You say you did not want to come out and record today, that you came anyway, and that you knew you would.

Three months stationary. You name it as misalignment for someone who prefers liminal states, and you say you have not enjoyed it. Nevada was the destination and you release that too — not with disappointment, just: you don't feel the need anymore. What is present is the readiness to move. What is absent is a place to move toward. You leave that space empty on purpose and call it waiting for the next inspiration.

What else is absent: any request for input, any apology, any hedge. You say you have nothing to apologize for, that the world does, and that you are done compromising. There is no grief language anywhere in this, though the losses are enumerated one after another. There is no plan for the name. There is a list of chores, a wet roof, a full dehumidifier, and a question about what you are called, left open on a trail you were careful not to damage on your way through.

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Naming the Five-Month Identity Shed

Energetic Quality

Journey Phase

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Tags

Summary

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Substrate

Actions

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Symbolic Elements

Ontological States

Engaged Subsystems

Dominant Language

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