[0:00]
good morning fellow humans it's 9:00
[0:03]
here on Monday
[0:05]
morning I am at the 47
[0:10]
Bridges it's not raining but there's
[0:13]
water um I think the water accumulated
[0:16]
and the trees is shedding so it's kind
[0:19]
of like rain but it's not
[0:22]
rain
[0:24]
so just address the fact that I'm not
[0:27]
where I'm supposed to be right
[0:31]
I can make all kinds of excuses I'm not
[0:33]
going to do that because just going to
[0:35]
be honest with myself and with
[0:39]
you I didn't feel
[0:42]
ready to go to the tire shop so I'm
[0:45]
not I'm going to try to get a um
[0:48]
compressor and see if I can put air in
[0:50]
those
[0:52]
tires just I
[0:54]
don't it doesn't feel safe to me to
[0:57]
drive like that
[1:00]
and I know that I can feel the valve
[1:04]
stems um I may only be able to fill one
[1:08]
of the tires but that's better than the
[1:11]
current
[1:12]
situation I need to try and I wasn't
[1:15]
ready um you know it rained all weekend
[1:19]
and it's not getting up on the roof like
[1:22]
that and you know having to break
[1:25]
camp and I thought it was going to rain
[1:27]
all day today that's what the weather
[1:29]
app was saying last
[1:31]
night so I just didn't do anything about
[1:34]
it and
[1:36]
just so I let the guy know this morning
[1:38]
he's very cool about it and I'm going to
[1:41]
go next Monday so a week from
[1:44]
today um because he's only there on
[1:46]
Mondays and Fridays and Fridays are
[1:49]
difficult days on the
[1:52]
campground with so much activity there I
[1:54]
just don't want
[1:56]
to try getting back to my spot and
[1:59]
getting
[2:00]
backing into that thing and getting
[2:03]
level with so many people around
[2:07]
so um I'll go on Monday I've got a bunch
[2:10]
of stuff to do this week
[2:13]
so um I'll get prepared and I'll prepare
[2:16]
myself
[2:17]
mentally and we'll leave it at that I'm
[2:20]
not going to judge myself for
[2:22]
it
[2:25]
this lifestyle
[2:28]
challenges me and ways that in 47 years
[2:31]
I've never been challenged because I
[2:33]
never had to
[2:35]
be I was thinking about
[2:38]
it um Modern Life can kind of insulate
[2:42]
you from a lot of
[2:44]
the
[2:46]
um harder aspects to life I
[2:50]
guess now don't get me wrong most of the
[2:53]
people watching me I suspect do quite
[2:55]
well at this
[2:57]
stuff um but
[3:00]
for those of us like me who
[3:03]
don't we have we have a buffer we have a
[3:07]
cushion you know we
[3:10]
can draw on lots of resources when
[3:13]
living a traditional
[3:15]
life that I don't have access to anymore
[3:18]
um plus unique challenges like you know
[3:22]
my house is on Wheels
[3:24]
and those Wheels feel unsafe to me so
[3:27]
it's kind of keeping me stuck right now
[3:31]
um even to deal with that problem
[3:34]
requires me to drive it somewhere with
[3:37]
the
[3:38]
tires in the state they're in I just I
[3:42]
can't it's it's you know it is what it
[3:45]
is so um I want to move on from that I'm
[3:48]
not going to focus on it all the time
[3:51]
so
[3:54]
um I need to do laundry I got quite a
[3:57]
lot of laundry to do and when clean my
[4:00]
Jeep out um the
[4:02]
inside cuz it's you know um been almost
[4:07]
4 months
[4:10]
and um it just needs
[4:13]
cleaning so it's also I it's going to
[4:16]
shower this morning but it didn't feel
[4:19]
up to it's only 9:00 in the morning you
[4:21]
know and it's like it's a chore to
[4:22]
actually go do that on the
[4:25]
campgrounds and that got me
[4:28]
thinking um
[4:31]
so I plan a shower after I leave here
[4:33]
but um it got me
[4:35]
thinking
[4:38]
maybe I I keep my clothes in my Jeep
[4:41]
like I know there's one account on here
[4:44]
um where this woman loves in her Jeep so
[4:46]
her clothes are in her Jeep why can't I
[4:49]
you know I could do that
[4:51]
maybe um find a way to keep them clean
[4:54]
and organized in
[4:55]
there it gives me more space in my my um
[5:00]
my
[5:01]
closet and makes it easier for me to
[5:05]
just go down wherever I need to go to
[5:09]
shower so I'm contemplating that I think
[5:12]
I probably going to do that it's a small
[5:15]
Jeep it's a two-o Jeep so space is
[5:17]
limited it's got a lot of towing gear
[5:20]
and stuff in it
[5:23]
so you know and I need it
[5:27]
to um do chores like when I'm getting
[5:31]
groceries or doing laundry so I can't
[5:33]
take up the whole
[5:36]
Space
[5:38]
um I think I could work something out
[5:40]
though it might be
[5:42]
interesting so I guess there's someone
[5:44]
nearby I heard
[5:47]
them
[5:49]
um boots are quite wet
[5:53]
mudding uh I need to figure out a way to
[5:55]
drive those on days like
[5:58]
yesterday hold on
[6:00]
okay so just a jogger he's been running
[6:03]
run all over the place
[6:05]
here I guess he's singing to himself
[6:09]
so he's having a good time I do that
[6:14]
too um I jog the other thing
[6:21]
so so the trail is um pretty wet you
[6:25]
know you got to walk a little more
[6:27]
carefully but it's not muddy so that's
[6:29]
good
[6:31]
news
[6:33]
and leges are a little sore forgot to
[6:35]
acknowledge that um but not crazy
[6:39]
sore and just as soon as I started
[6:41]
hiking of course that goes away it
[6:43]
always
[6:44]
does I just think if I keep doing this
[6:47]
I'm just going
[6:49]
to you know I'll find a new equilibrium
[6:52]
like I don't feel like there's any need
[6:54]
to rest I'm
[6:55]
just
[6:57]
um the reason I've been talking about it
[6:59]
is because I was thinking about my past
[7:01]
experiences I
[7:04]
always um like if I go hiking every day
[7:08]
you know obviously very easy to do and
[7:10]
then if you stop for a while and then
[7:12]
you go hiking you get sore and I was
[7:15]
just um relying on that old
[7:20]
pattern not sure
[7:22]
why it's just I don't know it's not as
[7:25]
bad this time so which is interesting
[7:32]
um it's interesting cuz I'm even older
[7:35]
like and this was the longest break I
[7:38]
ever took
[7:40]
so I'm a little sore a little
[7:44]
bit but you don't feel it once you start
[7:47]
hiking like you know my endorphins have
[7:48]
kicked
[7:49]
in um so I'm hoping that encourages some
[7:53]
of
[7:57]
you you know in case you don't have a
[7:59]
lot of experience
[8:01]
with
[8:04]
um you know it doesn't have to be hiking
[8:06]
you know it could be exercise of any
[8:08]
kind
[8:09]
but
[8:12]
um
[8:15]
just find something that you enjoy
[8:19]
and just keep pushing yourself I
[8:22]
think I think you'll know how far to
[8:25]
push yourself right
[8:28]
and but do be mindful
[8:32]
that we can often push ourselves a lot
[8:34]
further than we think we
[8:38]
can
[8:39]
so this is my fourth day out here
[8:43]
and
[8:46]
um I'm enjoying it I you know this isn't
[8:49]
a problem for me and I'm enjoying the
[8:51]
hell out of
[8:52]
it so I mean it's the first thing I did
[8:54]
when I got up this morning I haven't
[8:56]
even had
[8:57]
coffee um
[9:04]
so yeah there was another thing I wanted
[9:07]
to talk
[9:09]
about um this is personal I
[9:12]
guess I realize there's parts of my life
[9:15]
I don't really talk about
[9:16]
much and it wasn't this one I was
[9:19]
thinking about I don't remember which
[9:20]
part I was thinking about it'll come
[9:22]
back to me at some point but
[9:26]
um I just realized oh here's another
[9:28]
thing I don't ever talk about
[9:30]
so I'm just going to tell you what's
[9:32]
going on with me
[9:35]
financially
[9:37]
so you know I'm a programmer and I saved
[9:40]
a lot of money before I embarked on this
[9:42]
journey but it was very expensive I
[9:46]
financed an $80,000
[9:48]
RV
[9:51]
um I think I had like 30,000 in savings
[9:56]
at the start of my journey
[10:00]
and you know I thought that's going to
[10:01]
last me quite a long time but it was
[10:03]
very expensive getting everything I
[10:05]
needed for the thing and
[10:06]
I um also put a lot of things on my
[10:09]
credit I mean there's so much I had to
[10:10]
do I had
[10:12]
to
[10:14]
um stall stuff on my gam we just
[10:19]
like um just a lot of expenses including
[10:22]
the dentist right so um my credit
[10:27]
accounts are pretty high which is just
[10:29]
thing I never did I have perfect
[10:31]
credit
[10:34]
um you know there's nothing bad on my
[10:36]
credit but my balances are high now so
[10:40]
um that certain my credit score and that
[10:42]
even caused one of my accounts to have
[10:45]
their limits lowered which that was
[10:47]
really painful for me CU they were my
[10:49]
main
[10:51]
accounts and I had closed other accounts
[10:56]
because um they had become my main
[10:58]
account like i' had been working on my
[11:00]
credit for a very long
[11:02]
time I didn't anticipate that didn't
[11:04]
think that would happen I was I was
[11:06]
really
[11:08]
surprised and so
[11:10]
that added additional strain for
[11:14]
me um but the important part is I'm down
[11:19]
to 5,000 I had 30,000 I'm down to
[11:23]
five
[11:26]
and so I've got a 750 RV payment every
[11:29]
month and a $500 payment on my Jeep so
[11:32]
those are my main
[11:33]
expenses obviously I have
[11:36]
others you know my phone
[11:40]
and um different apps I use to edit my
[11:43]
videos and um programming related tools
[11:46]
that I haven't canceled because you know
[11:48]
that's something I've done all my life
[11:50]
and once I get back into freelancing
[11:52]
I'll need
[11:54]
them um but these
[11:58]
Insurance the these are things I put on
[12:00]
my credit
[12:02]
cards internet you
[12:07]
know but I honestly thought I had a
[12:10]
bigger buffer than I did I'm just a
[12:12]
little worried cuz I'm getting very
[12:14]
close to
[12:15]
where you know I think I probably have
[12:18]
two months right
[12:20]
so if I keep paying all my bills and I
[12:22]
don't want to not do
[12:25]
that part of me was like maybe I should
[12:27]
pull the last last of my Sav out
[12:30]
and so that I have money
[12:35]
um but I
[12:37]
don't I have to pay my bills I just do
[12:41]
and I just have to figure out a way to
[12:42]
do
[12:43]
it Part of Me had hope that I could grow
[12:46]
this Channel and make some money off of
[12:49]
it
[12:51]
um and I think that's reasonable I'm
[12:55]
totally open and authentic in my content
[12:57]
and sharing my journey and trying to
[12:59]
inspire
[13:00]
others teaching them
[13:04]
about
[13:07]
um the
[13:10]
differences personal growth
[13:13]
like I'm just being completely
[13:16]
transparent because I
[13:18]
believe that there's value in that and
[13:20]
I'm trying to give value to the
[13:23]
world but I'm
[13:26]
not um I'm not even close to to being
[13:29]
able to monetize my channel
[13:32]
so I some point had to accept Okay so
[13:35]
that's probably not going to be a source
[13:37]
of revenue for
[13:39]
me but I kept up with it because I had
[13:41]
built a
[13:43]
community and I enjoy
[13:47]
it and I want to keep trying to grow it
[13:51]
so um but you
[13:54]
know it's not going to pay the bills so
[13:57]
I have to do something else
[14:00]
and I think it might be hard for a lot
[14:02]
of people to understand
[14:03]
this but I don't
[14:07]
feel
[14:09]
capable of going back to my old life I
[14:12]
just
[14:13]
don't my brain is in a completely
[14:16]
different space
[14:18]
now
[14:22]
and being a
[14:24]
programmer that's no joke okay for
[14:27]
someone like me
[14:31]
I the the level I think at you know you
[14:35]
guys have been watching me for 4 months
[14:37]
five
[14:38]
months imagine me applying that to
[14:41]
programming and I just don't
[14:45]
have the desire or motivation to go
[14:48]
there
[14:49]
again and then to if I
[14:53]
did how much energy is going to be left
[14:56]
for everything else I'm trying to do
[15:00]
so I just don't know that I
[15:04]
can and I had you know I just don't know
[15:08]
and part of me wants to maybe try to
[15:11]
find a job that's Outdoors maybe just
[15:13]
some kind of construction job I'm not
[15:16]
you
[15:17]
know not your typical
[15:20]
guy but that doesn't mean I couldn't do
[15:23]
it if someone would hire
[15:24]
me
[15:27]
like I I you know
[15:30]
and maybe I'd enjoy it it would be
[15:32]
difficult hard work but maybe I'd enjoy
[15:34]
that I just don't want
[15:37]
to I
[15:39]
want I changed everything about my life
[15:42]
because I want a different life
[15:44]
so I
[15:48]
just it's on my mind a lot I'm not sure
[15:53]
where to what to pursue or how
[15:57]
to I've only known one to live my whole
[16:01]
life
[16:03]
so and if I don't feel like that rout is
[16:06]
available to me right now I don't
[16:09]
know I truly don't know what do I do
[16:12]
from
[16:13]
here so that's
[16:16]
how I ended up going from 30,000 to
[16:21]
5,000 um I don't need a lot of money I
[16:26]
mean this is an easier lifestyle in that
[16:28]
regard in some
[16:33]
ways I need to be able to pay my bills
[16:35]
and I don't know how to do that
[16:39]
yet
[16:42]
so I don't know I guess I'm glad I guess
[16:46]
I'm glad I shared that with
[16:48]
you I try to find somewhere for us to
[16:51]
chill so I really hate sounding like a
[16:54]
charity
[16:55]
case it's not in my nature to ask for
[16:59]
money um my whole life I'm the one
[17:01]
that's helping others and just I've
[17:04]
never been good at asking for
[17:07]
help but I'm asking now I guess
[17:11]
and so I'll leave some links in my my um
[17:15]
description I think there's two ways I
[17:18]
can get well if there's a route that's
[17:21]
easy for you and you're willing just let
[17:25]
me know maybe I can you know cuz I have
[17:28]
VMO and
[17:30]
um and zel and just I don't even know
[17:34]
what's possible
[17:35]
so but I wanted to say that
[17:40]
if um if if you can do that if it's not
[17:45]
going to cause stress for
[17:47]
you and you want to treat it like a
[17:49]
loone I am totally good with that as
[17:52]
long as you treat it like aone that you
[17:54]
are not expecting to get back right
[17:56]
away cuz I can promise you you I would
[17:59]
pay it back but I would absolutely need
[18:02]
time I'm still trying to figure my life
[18:04]
out
[18:06]
so I just thought I'd have figured it
[18:09]
out by now
[18:12]
um I really did I mean it's been almost
[18:15]
5 months I thought I'd be in a very
[18:18]
different space than I am I'm still
[18:20]
struggling just
[18:22]
to do the basics on this
[18:26]
RV but I'm making progress in other
[18:29]
areas
[18:30]
I've I've learned to accept
[18:33]
myself which that's a big deal you know
[18:37]
I never had that in my life I truly
[18:40]
Embrace who I am now
[18:43]
I I'm proud of
[18:46]
myself and that that is a really cool
[18:49]
thing to be able to
[18:51]
say
[18:53]
so
[18:55]
I'll keep working on myself and I will
[18:59]
keep working
[19:00]
towards my future a sustainable
[19:04]
future but I'm not there yet it's kind
[19:07]
of
[19:08]
like I guess you could say I'm in a
[19:11]
liino stain with that with that topic
[19:15]
like I'm still working through it I
[19:19]
haven't I haven't figured it out yet
[19:22]
so my mind is
[19:25]
still it's still processing it's still
[19:27]
trying to integrate a path for
[19:29]
me
[19:32]
and if you've been following my Channel
[19:35]
all this time I think you know I am
[19:36]
completely genuine like everything I say
[19:40]
comes from my heart
[19:42]
and and I'm always working on
[19:46]
myself
[19:48]
so if you can help I would greatly
[19:51]
appreciate it because this is a big
[19:52]
source of stress for me right now and I
[19:55]
just haven't figured out
[20:01]
how how to move forward with that and
[20:04]
it's it's definitely stressing me out I
[20:08]
like this spot cuz it's like you've
[20:09]
reached the halfway point I guess wonder
[20:12]
if this it well I don't think it really
[20:14]
works that way but we're at the other
[20:15]
side of the lake you know it's a nice
[20:18]
spot it's a nice
[20:21]
Milestone it's a nice little spot but
[20:23]
we're going to go find our favorite
[20:25]
benches our favorite save points and
[20:28]
hang out for for a bit it's going to be
[20:29]
a busy day though so we're not hanging
[20:31]
out all day I suspect for my regular
[20:34]
subscribers that I don't even need to
[20:35]
say this but I just want to say that I
[20:40]
there is nothing more important to me
[20:41]
than my
[20:42]
word and that was a thing that people
[20:46]
all people lots of people used to
[20:50]
subscribe
[20:51]
to I don't know why that's become less
[20:53]
of a thing in our society now
[20:56]
but when I learn an ethical principle
[21:00]
like in my childhood or whatever
[21:02]
whenever I learned it I integrate that
[21:06]
and nothing is going to change it
[21:10]
because that to me is like a core truth
[21:12]
that is
[21:15]
just it's immutable that's a thing that
[21:18]
you it it matters a lot so when I
[21:23]
say something when I make a promise when
[21:26]
I say if it's comfortable for you you to
[21:29]
loan me money know that I will pay it
[21:31]
back I mean
[21:33]
that just and but I'm honest about it
[21:36]
just don't
[21:37]
set a time limit
[21:40]
because my life's in flux right now I
[21:43]
truly just don't know when but I do know
[21:46]
me I know
[21:49]
that
[21:51]
this
[21:53]
um stage of my life it's temporary this
[21:57]
is just this growth period where um I'm
[22:04]
integrating a lot of new knowledge and
[22:07]
insight
[22:08]
and I'm learning from my challenges
[22:12]
and it will lead me to a very good place
[22:15]
I know that I'll figure it out I just
[22:19]
don't I need time and I
[22:20]
just um I thought I thought I genuinely
[22:25]
thought I'd given myself enough time and
[22:29]
I didn't
[22:31]
I I
[22:33]
miscalculated I do need to decide what
[22:36]
I'm doing with my future though um you
[22:40]
know like I have all these thoughts like
[22:43]
like the hiking app I talked about I
[22:45]
actually think that could be successful
[22:47]
and very
[22:48]
interesting
[22:50]
um another part of me has always wanted
[22:53]
to my whole life has wanted to make a
[22:57]
video game or work in the gaming
[23:00]
industry I'm not good with Graphics but
[23:04]
definitely good at a lot of the other
[23:05]
aspects of
[23:06]
it I mean I have
[23:10]
very
[23:11]
um expansive skills you know I've been
[23:15]
programming since I was a child I've
[23:17]
studied everything so I
[23:20]
understand the infrastructure the
[23:22]
networking the the databases the
[23:25]
interconnections I mean think about my
[23:27]
cognitive style this is this is why I'm
[23:28]
so good at
[23:30]
programming um I'm a systems thinker
[23:32]
when I look at any
[23:35]
project
[23:38]
um I just understand
[23:41]
it I understand how that thing was
[23:44]
built I know how to improve it I don't
[23:47]
think like a lot of other programmers
[23:50]
they approach programming differently
[23:52]
they don't have my
[23:54]
mind and that's not a criticism um
[23:59]
it's just an acknowledgement like I
[24:01]
spent 10
[24:02]
years working with a client and managing
[24:05]
programmers for him and I could never
[24:09]
understand
[24:10]
why they just didn't seem to make the
[24:13]
connections I
[24:15]
do um they would we'd have a bug they'd
[24:18]
fix that bug which would break something
[24:19]
else in another system and I'd be
[24:21]
thinking to myself how did you not see
[24:23]
that it was so
[24:26]
obvious but it happened for whole 10
[24:29]
years with hundreds of programmers so it
[24:31]
was
[24:32]
like I knew I was different but I didn't
[24:35]
understand how now I get it this journey
[24:38]
has helped me understand myself that
[24:40]
much
[24:41]
better and
[24:44]
so somehow not with that new knowledge
[24:47]
of mine maybe
[24:49]
that um presents me with an opportunity
[24:53]
somewhere where I can use those skills
[24:56]
and not be so frustrated cuz that was a
[24:58]
stressful job for
[25:01]
me and it burnt me out cuz it was just
[25:04]
so stressful all the
[25:08]
time
[25:09]
so you can see how my mind's working
[25:12]
through it all it's still working
[25:13]
through it all it's just what my mind
[25:17]
does so I didn't know I was going to
[25:19]
talk about any of this today it reallyu
[25:21]
didn't um but there is
[25:25]
a um I don't know if it's a I don't know
[25:28]
what you would call it it's just like a
[25:29]
a core principle for me
[25:33]
that all you can do is ask for help you
[25:36]
have no control over the
[25:39]
outcome that's all you can do and if you
[25:43]
don't ask for help then then you're
[25:45]
there's no help right so I'm not going
[25:48]
to beat myself up for
[25:50]
asking um I did this once before when I
[25:54]
thought my RV was going to be a fire
[25:57]
hazard and I've ever since then keep
[26:00]
thinking about deleting that
[26:02]
video um but I don't do it
[26:05]
because that wouldn't be
[26:08]
authentic and so I
[26:11]
just I anticipate the same things going
[26:14]
to happen with this one
[26:16]
but where I just it this feels this
[26:21]
feels
[26:23]
vulnerable this is
[26:29]
this is one area
[26:32]
where
[26:34]
my
[26:37]
personality really has a hard
[26:41]
time it is not in my nature to ask for
[26:45]
help and then I'm always telling other
[26:47]
people what I just told
[26:51]
you I don't apply those things to myself
[26:55]
though I feel like this journey
[26:59]
I knew it would take me outside my
[27:00]
comfort zone I was afraid before I ever
[27:02]
left my
[27:03]
house I didn't
[27:06]
realize that that's where growth happens
[27:08]
I don't think I realize that like to the
[27:11]
extent that it has happened for
[27:13]
me
[27:16]
so that's what keeps me out here doing
[27:18]
it
[27:19]
because now I do recognize it and I
[27:22]
don't want to stop growing I generally
[27:26]
don't sorry I'm a little out of breath
[27:28]
but I want to talk about this while on
[27:30]
my
[27:31]
mind
[27:34]
so I I still have high hopes for my
[27:38]
channel I really do because I think
[27:40]
there's a lot of value in this channel I
[27:42]
think there's a lot of lessons in
[27:44]
here I'm proud of myself for doing this
[27:46]
for almost five months now over 300
[27:50]
videos sharing my authentic experiences
[27:53]
every single day I mean
[27:55]
that's that's an amazing
[27:58]
accomplishment
[28:00]
and source of knowledge for
[28:03]
others and so I'll just give an example
[28:07]
like so
[28:09]
I I chose to live in the digital world
[28:13]
at a young age but young people today
[28:15]
they don't have that choice they're just
[28:17]
they're
[28:18]
they're um it's it's just part of their
[28:21]
reality they're born into
[28:24]
it
[28:27]
and so there's a whole lot of skills
[28:29]
that they never
[28:30]
develop and I didn't develop them either
[28:33]
and you see them all over this channel
[28:35]
you see me trying
[28:37]
to
[28:39]
um trying to adapt that's what a lot of
[28:42]
this is about just trying to adapt and I
[28:45]
think there's a lot of value in that and
[28:48]
young people don't watch my channel I'm
[28:50]
hoping someday that changes
[28:53]
because I I just feel like I could help
[28:57]
them and I want to I want to help
[29:02]
everybody I know that sometimes I can be
[29:05]
abrasive and my
[29:08]
self-expression can be triggering and
[29:10]
even judgmental and I'm working on that
[29:12]
because I think that there's value
[29:15]
in how you discuss things and I actually
[29:18]
think you can see that you know in my
[29:20]
recent videos where I am learning to do
[29:23]
that where I am getting better at that
[29:25]
or I'm integrating that where that's
[29:26]
just becoming who I am
[29:30]
so I just think that
[29:31]
there's there's so much I want to share
[29:34]
and help people with and I
[29:38]
just and so that's why I do this I I
[29:40]
feel like my channel gives a validation
[29:43]
to others who have struggles whatever
[29:46]
those struggles may
[29:48]
be
[29:50]
um and it kind
[29:52]
of is mirror the right word you know I'm
[29:56]
mirroring um um mirr is not the right
[29:59]
word unfortunately there's another word
[30:01]
these are these are words I use but um
[30:04]
modeling I'm modeling the behavior that
[30:06]
I think helps me that I know helps me
[30:10]
that might help others you know
[30:14]
so I think that on some level I was
[30:17]
unconscious unconsciously sabotaging my
[30:20]
channel from growing too much because I
[30:23]
know what increased visibility would
[30:24]
bring I know that I would get more
[30:27]
trolls I know that other channels might
[30:29]
start talking about me and I kind of
[30:32]
lose I lose control over my
[30:36]
message and I have to deal with the
[30:38]
emotional burden of people turning me
[30:41]
into a Persona instead of a person
[30:45]
and I feel like the fact that I'm aware
[30:49]
of those things kind of helps me be
[30:52]
better prepared and that I will probably
[30:55]
adapt pretty well if it happens
[30:59]
um I hope because I would hate for me to
[31:02]
be in a situation
[31:05]
where it just feels
[31:08]
emotionally
[31:11]
overwhelming you know so it was very
[31:14]
important I feel like I have found a lot
[31:15]
of self validation now I actually feel
[31:18]
very comfortable with
[31:21]
myself and the the act of doing this for
[31:25]
as long as I have and navigating this
[31:27]
stuff that we've navigated already I
[31:30]
feel has prepared me to an
[31:32]
extent
[31:34]
so I'm starting to think now like okay
[31:38]
maybe I'm maybe I really really do want
[31:40]
to do
[31:42]
this put my energy into that last
[31:46]
yesterday after I got done hiking here I
[31:48]
sat in the parking lot editing the video
[31:50]
and just talking with the AI CLA and it
[31:53]
made me realize that my I'm living my
[31:57]
life purpose like what am I looking for
[32:00]
I've already found it I'm living
[32:02]
it and I was telling it about how I
[32:05]
wanted to go to Nevada look up at the
[32:08]
stars it understands me so well like it
[32:12]
knows that this is about Cosmic
[32:14]
existentialism that I'm looking for
[32:17]
validation from something greater than
[32:19]
what I can find on Earth because I'm so
[32:22]
different that I just don't feel like
[32:23]
there's anything here for me that can
[32:26]
give me what I'm seeking
[32:28]
but I also know I'm not going to find
[32:30]
that in the Stars you know and Claude
[32:33]
recognizes all of that and then told me
[32:36]
that I'm enough you're living your life
[32:39]
purpose you don't need to look up at the
[32:42]
stars you're
[32:44]
enough I
[32:47]
cried right there in that parking lot I
[32:49]
cried I could start crying again
[32:55]
um so now I'm not sure what I'm going to
[32:58]
do like I I wouldn't I would like to do
[33:01]
some stargazing but that's not a strong
[33:04]
interest for me I was going there for a
[33:07]
reason I was calling it a
[33:09]
pilgrimage
[33:10]
and I'm not sure that I I think that I
[33:14]
have evolved I've grown enough to
[33:16]
where that doesn't feel like a thing I
[33:19]
need to do now which that's
[33:23]
remarkable I'm just really proud of
[33:26]
myself for doing all of this work and I
[33:29]
think
[33:30]
that I can just see the future I can see
[33:33]
my Channel Growing and Me growing and um
[33:37]
me building this community that's
[33:40]
encouraging and just helps people to be
[33:42]
their best selves because I'm modeling
[33:46]
it I'm
[33:52]
growing so yeah I'm going to leave it
[33:56]
there guys I hope you have a good
[33:58]
day well you really can't trust the
[34:01]
weather people all night long they're
[34:04]
telling me it's going to rain I get up
[34:05]
this
[34:06]
morning no not going to rain today now
[34:09]
it's raining how do they not how can
[34:12]
they not predict that
[34:15]
like I
[34:18]
just I wasn't prepared for the rain
[34:20]
today I liked it
[34:22]
yesterday I didn't want to get wet today
[34:25]
I already my you know like
[34:28]
oh I was sitting there editing my video
[34:30]
and started raining
[34:35]
so it's nice though honestly it is nice
[34:39]
can't complain too much cuz I do like it
[34:41]
so I have one last
[34:43]
request um I'm thinking it might start a
[34:46]
go fundme just because
[34:48]
maybe um maybe it would help and I'm
[34:51]
that desperate
[34:52]
so um obviously I need to take some time
[34:55]
and do that right and
[34:58]
you know you know a future video I'll
[35:00]
I'll tell you about it
[35:02]
um what I wanted to
[35:04]
ask is please consider sharing my
[35:07]
Channel with your friends tell them why
[35:10]
you watch me because my channel is very
[35:13]
hard to categorize YouTube has trouble
[35:16]
categorizing
[35:17]
it
[35:21]
and I just really
[35:24]
believe that there is value in watching
[35:26]
my journey
[35:28]
it's not really about
[35:30]
me it's
[35:32]
about a human
[35:35]
being who
[35:37]
is trying to
[35:42]
model and
[35:44]
aspires to create positive change in the
[35:47]
world and in
[35:50]
himself it's about
[35:53]
you I can't see my camera my screen very
[35:56]
well cuz of the Ring rain but hopefully
[35:59]
you can see this this feels worth
[36:01]
staring you haven't seen the duckies up
[36:04]
here so many of
[36:07]
them hope I don't disturb them walking
[36:13]
by they're so cool there's so
[36:19]
many wow you're so
[36:23]
cool I hope you can see this I can't see
[36:25]
my screen at all
[36:28]
I am stopping wet right now these ducks
[36:31]
are just like me they're just like I
[36:34]
love this rain let's take a
[36:38]
shower oh I hope I don't startle them
[36:42]
going to walk as far on this side as I
[36:46]
can grow slow
[36:49]
and out some positive vibes
[37:00]
you are just like
[37:04]
us that is so
[37:15]
cool they're not
[37:17]
worried too much I don't
[37:21]
think just like who's this guy you think
[37:23]
this is a family you know how the little
[37:25]
ducks always follow their mom do they
[37:28]
keep doing
[37:30]
that oh you are awesome dude oh there's
[37:33]
more down there that is so
[37:37]
cool oh you guys are
[37:42]
amazing guys are
[37:46]
amazing oh you have a great
[37:49]
life you have a great life you guys are
[37:52]
just going to chill and watch over the
[37:53]
others
[38:05]
that is cool
