[0:00]
It's almost noon here on Thursday. I
[0:04]
thought it was Friday until just now. I
[0:05]
guess it's only Thursday.
[0:08]
Um, it's already been a pretty long day.
[0:11]
So, I got up probably
[0:15]
well sometime around 7. I woke up a
[0:18]
bunch of times overnight,
[0:20]
probably every couple of hours, but I
[0:22]
would go back to sleep. This I got up
[0:25]
around 7ish and did my rounds early.
[0:29]
Normally I don't do my rounds until like
[0:32]
like late morning or early afternoon
[0:34]
tends to be when I do them, but I did
[0:36]
them first thing this morning. So I went
[0:38]
and did my rounds around 8:00 when when
[0:40]
it was light out and
[0:43]
um
[0:46]
went well. It was no big deal. And came
[0:49]
back and did some stuff outside. I
[0:50]
didn't want to go inside yet. And
[0:54]
um
[0:56]
Bill and Buddy stopped by for a second.
[1:00]
Bill was heading into town and he needed
[1:03]
he needed something from me that for
[1:05]
budding.
[1:11]
Now I'm just walking to the ocean. It's
[1:13]
a couple miles down this road. So I live
[1:16]
up near the front of the park, front of
[1:18]
our corridor.
[1:21]
We don't have the gas to take my Jeep.
[1:23]
So, just walking back there.
[1:27]
This is day three without nicotine. I am
[1:30]
still nicotine free.
[1:34]
And
[1:37]
today feels harder.
[1:40]
I don't have um a lot of
[1:44]
um
[1:47]
a lot of cravings or not. I'm not having
[1:49]
cravings.
[1:50]
didn't have them at all for three days.
[1:52]
That's [ __ ] confusing to me.
[1:55]
Something else.
[1:57]
Um, hold on. There's a stupid van
[1:59]
coming. I don't know why I call this
[2:01]
stupid. I guess because I just I'm a
[2:04]
little bit irritable. I'm going to be
[2:07]
honest about it. Like I see I see any
[2:10]
kind of person today and it's like I
[2:13]
don't [ __ ] want to deal with you. I just
[2:14]
[ __ ] don't.
[2:16]
So, so anyways,
[2:20]
um
[2:22]
what were we talking about?
[2:28]
Not having cravings so much as just
[2:33]
um
[2:35]
a desire to just [ __ ] go and buy
[2:38]
some. And maybe like I'm trying to
[2:40]
compromise with myself. Maybe we can
[2:42]
taper it down. Maybe we don't have to
[2:44]
quit all the way, you know, blah blah
[2:46]
blah, all that [ __ ] [ __ ] That's
[2:48]
all it is. And
[2:50]
um
[2:54]
it wouldn't take much for me to
[2:58]
to break right now. That's the hund of
[3:01]
God's truth.
[3:04]
Bill asking me, "Do I need anything from
[3:06]
town?" That's almost enough to do it,
[3:08]
you know, cuz Yeah. Bill, could you give
[3:10]
me some vapes while you're there? But
[3:12]
no, I don't ask those, you know, I don't
[3:15]
respond that way. And um
[3:19]
I'm just saying it's that
[3:22]
um it's that easy. Like it's that
[3:26]
it wouldn't take much.
[3:29]
There are people out in the forest.
[3:31]
What?
[3:32]
They don't have any real trails back
[3:34]
here.
[3:42]
searching for mushrooms.
[3:45]
There are a lot of here, but damn,
[3:48]
they're out there deep somewhere.
[3:55]
So, I know that my
[4:00]
today just feels fragile. It's like you
[4:03]
got to be real careful.
[4:05]
So, I thought, okay, walk to the ocean,
[4:07]
even though it's cold, even though it's
[4:09]
a, you know, gray, rainy day, even
[4:12]
though it's real windy, even though
[4:14]
you're tired as hell from doing this for
[4:16]
two days already.
[4:20]
Even though,
[4:23]
even though everything, just [ __ ] do
[4:25]
it anyways.
[4:28]
Go to the ocean, smoke some pot,
[4:32]
and
[4:38]
I don't know. Work yourself to the point
[4:39]
where you're just tired enough. Maybe
[4:41]
you'll come home and go to sleep or some
[4:43]
[ __ ] I don't know. I've been
[4:47]
been doing a lot of healthier things
[4:48]
lately, making tea and stuff like that.
[4:54]
I've been eating pretty well, I would
[4:55]
say. You know, based just on what I
[4:58]
have. I don't have a lot. So just um
[5:03]
I feel like I'm feel like I don't know
[5:06]
something's different about me. I'm
[5:09]
I'm
[5:12]
recalibrating. I'm
[5:19]
I don't have the words for it.
[5:24]
I had to set boundaries this morning
[5:25]
with Wendy because for days now I have
[5:29]
been looping this thing in my head that
[5:31]
she said to me. So, we're walking down a
[5:33]
trail and I'm we're just hiking down
[5:36]
this trail and this is day one of me
[5:38]
quitting,
[5:41]
you know, and I'm just saying, man, I
[5:42]
think I'm going to pass out cuz I'm
[5:44]
feeling all these feelings inside. Like,
[5:47]
it's just it's overwhelming.
[5:50]
And she says, "Sometimes you can really
[5:53]
sound like a child."
[5:57]
And this is just
[6:02]
precisely how [ __ ] people
[6:06]
diminish you,
[6:09]
turn your normal
[6:12]
feelings into something they're not,
[6:16]
judge you,
[6:18]
and that [ __ ] pisses me off. So, I set
[6:20]
some boundaries with her today. It's
[6:23]
like, look, if you want to be in my
[6:24]
life, you cannot talk to me like that.
[6:27]
And you do it far more than you realize.
[6:31]
I do not accept judgment from people
[6:33]
ever. I don't judge them. Why the [ __ ]
[6:36]
are they judging me? That is not what
[6:38]
friends do.
[6:41]
So,
[6:43]
I don't know how she'll react to it.
[6:47]
She responded by saying, "I didn't mean
[6:49]
to offend you. I wasn't offended. I was
[6:51]
setting a [ __ ] boundary."
[6:53]
And then um
[6:59]
what did she say? I didn't mean to
[7:00]
offend you.
[7:03]
We can't we can all be strange at times.
[7:05]
Something like that. It's like, "Wow,
[7:08]
you just [ __ ] did it again."
[7:12]
This is why I'm alone. This is why I
[7:14]
don't have friends because everybody is
[7:17]
like this.
[7:22]
Disrespectful
[7:26]
and unconscious about it
[7:31]
presumably cuz if they're conscious when
[7:33]
they do [ __ ] like that it's even [ __ ]
[7:35]
worse, right?
[7:38]
So,
[7:42]
I mean, she does lots of nice things for
[7:44]
me. She bought me this little coffee
[7:46]
making thing. It's called a mocha pot, I
[7:49]
think, according to Claude. M O K A. I
[7:51]
don't know if that's true. I didn't look
[7:53]
it up to confirm it, but
[7:55]
um
[7:57]
it makes single cups of coffee and it's
[8:00]
really good. going to use espresso
[8:02]
coffee and Wendy has one just like and
[8:04]
she knew I really loved this thing and
[8:05]
she got me one. I was like, you know, I
[8:08]
I I respect her. I like her, appreciate
[8:11]
her everything, but I will not be
[8:14]
diminished by anybody ever.
[8:21]
So,
[8:25]
either she [ __ ] respects that or we
[8:28]
can't be friends.
[8:30]
and I have held those boundaries all my
[8:33]
[ __ ] life and I will continue to hold
[8:35]
them.
[8:39]
So
[8:43]
that's everything for today.
[8:48]
Um
[8:52]
don't feel like I can work yet. like you
[8:54]
know being on the computer that feels a
[8:56]
little hard like my brain is just not
[8:59]
focused enough for this and so I haven't
[9:02]
been doing that
[9:05]
you know for 3 days now right before I
[9:07]
quit vaping
[9:09]
um I did release my product as open
[9:12]
source so I'm really proud of that like
[9:14]
right as I was making the choice to give
[9:18]
this up I released autonomy
[9:22]
now I need to work on it. I need to keep
[9:24]
iterating it and compiling
[9:27]
um you know all the pieces for my other
[9:30]
projects into it cuz um
[9:34]
that's what I'm doing. I'm consolidating
[9:35]
my work into this new project,
[9:38]
but I just can't right now.
[9:42]
There isn't a whole lot for me to do at
[9:43]
home.
[9:45]
I get on YouTube and I'll scroll and
[9:48]
never click on anything because I can
[9:50]
just see through all of it. And all of
[9:52]
it is just [ __ ] nonsense
[9:55]
and distortion and manipulation and just
[10:00]
[ __ ] [ __ ]
[10:03]
Superficial [ __ ] I don't know how
[10:06]
other people got addicted to that. I
[10:08]
sure do.
[10:10]
I just haven't figured out what to do
[10:12]
with my time really.
[10:14]
Um,
[10:17]
I don't know. Right now, I'm just
[10:22]
I'm
[10:24]
being real cautious about
[10:28]
my mental and physical state cuz I just
[10:38]
I don't want to go back back to vaping.
[10:40]
I don't want to do that. This is day
[10:43]
three.
[10:45]
sometime around I don't even know
[10:46]
somewhere like 6:00 to 8:00 p.m.
[10:48]
something like that. This end of day
[10:50]
three.
[10:52]
We're into day four and
[10:56]
it will get easier. Got to remind myself
[10:59]
all this is temporary.
[11:03]
So
[11:07]
there's my report for now.
[11:11]
Just us out here.
[11:14]
The wind is pretty rough. A little bit
[11:16]
rough. Not like um yesterday.
[11:21]
Still pretty rough. And we're about to
[11:23]
get over this dune. So, we'll find out
[11:25]
if it's actually worse than I think it
[11:27]
is.
[11:30]
It might be.
[11:33]
So,
[11:35]
we're here.
[11:39]
We are here with the ocean.
[11:42]
High tide.
[11:45]
It's very far.
[11:50]
Let's just go experience it. I don't
[11:52]
have anything to talk about.
[11:59]
This is the farthest end I've ever seen
[12:01]
it.
[12:03]
I've been here many, many times.
[12:18]
Heat up
[12:38]
here.
[12:43]
Anyway,
[12:52]
I like yesterday though.
[13:07]
We're pretty far.
[13:14]
The winter
[13:54]
So, I would say it's more dangerous than
[13:57]
normal, right? So, I just want to
[13:59]
acknowledge that it's high tide. The
[14:03]
ocean tide is in real far on the beach,
[14:05]
the furthest I've ever seen it. That
[14:07]
might have something to do with the fact
[14:09]
that winter's coming back. I don't know.
[14:10]
I don't know all of the oceans patterns
[14:12]
yet. I've been warning them. And here
[14:15]
she is.
[14:17]
Wow. All the way up on the beach. Yeah.
[14:19]
See, that came very close.
[14:24]
So, yeah. I think that when we get over
[14:26]
here, it's going to be all the way up on
[14:28]
the beach. So, we're going to have to
[14:29]
get up on the dunes. That's where I was
[14:31]
heading with this.
[14:36]
So, I guess we can't walk the beach
[14:38]
today, but we can come see here.
[14:44]
Looks like we have to walk over to these
[14:45]
dunes here.
[14:52]
Pretty [ __ ] cool, right? This is my
[14:54]
life.
[14:56]
Day three. Oh, man. [ __ ] difficult,
[15:01]
but we're doing it.
[15:04]
I wonder how this wood got way up here
[15:06]
because that just
[15:09]
just like magically naturally got up
[15:11]
here. Let me show you. That feels
[15:13]
deliberately placed, right?
[15:15]
I mean, who knows? But
[15:19]
yeah, that looks deliberately placed to
[15:21]
me.
[15:23]
Way up here. It's got to be. Ocean
[15:26]
doesn't get up this high.
[15:31]
So, somebody built a little fort over
[15:33]
here. How cool is that? Maybe somebody
[15:37]
had to sleep here one night. I have no
[15:38]
idea. That would be kind of sad unless
[15:40]
it was by choice.
[15:43]
But yeah, somebody built a little
[15:46]
I feel like they built a temporary
[15:47]
little shelter
[15:51]
for one night.
[15:53]
So, we'll just have to walk back that
[15:55]
way when we want to go back home
[15:58]
through the dunes. We're not going to be
[15:59]
able to be on the beach.
[16:02]
So,
[16:04]
we can go up here a little ways and just
[16:06]
see what we seen.
[16:08]
I don't come out on these very often.
[16:12]
We could probably walk down to where the
[16:13]
sign is where the ATVs are supposed to
[16:15]
stop.
[16:17]
Um, there's a road there, so
[16:20]
we got possibilities as far as what we
[16:22]
do.
[16:27]
There's the ocean. And oh, I'm feeling
[16:29]
some rain. So, here comes the rain a
[16:31]
little bit.
[16:35]
This was not unexpected.
[16:38]
Uh, I think it'll be on and off today. I
[16:41]
don't, you know, and I'm not sure that
[16:42]
it's going to be real hard weather. Just
[16:46]
just um
[16:51]
I don't know. I'm kind of romanticizing
[16:53]
it in my head and I can't come up with
[16:55]
the words for it.
[17:11]
All right, we're going to go over there
[17:12]
and just walk up there anyways.
[17:15]
[ __ ] it. And
[17:18]
good distance from my home. miles on the
[17:21]
road.
[17:25]
We made it to the ocean.
[17:31]
I just got to give myself time.
[17:33]
I have to be patient right now. Like
[17:37]
very cautious and
[17:40]
patient because
[17:43]
I'm actually doing it. It's been 3 days.
[17:45]
So,
[17:46]
this is actually happening.
[17:51]
you know, I'm doing it
[17:54]
fully conscious of the fact I'm doing
[17:55]
it. I'm not numbing out or sleeping all
[17:57]
day or, you know, anything like that or
[18:03]
all the other approaches one might take.
[18:05]
I just [ __ ]
[18:09]
I made it so that it was hard for me to
[18:12]
get more without having to compromise
[18:15]
some kind of boundary that I just don't
[18:18]
want to like I don't want to ask for
[18:21]
help. I don't want to sound desperate. I
[18:24]
don't want to
[18:27]
um
[18:30]
I just don't want to do that, you know?
[18:32]
I just don't. And so,
[18:36]
um, there's no gas in my Jeep.
[18:39]
I don't have the money to buy vapes.
[18:43]
I could get it if I really [ __ ]
[18:45]
wanted to, right? But it's friction.
[18:48]
That's what I'm talking about here is
[18:50]
I've created enough friction
[18:54]
that it is stopping me from doing the
[18:56]
convenient thing
[18:59]
that this addiction would go on for me.
[19:05]
and instead walk into the [ __ ] ocean
[19:08]
despite the weather,
[19:10]
you know,
[19:13]
despite the fact that I've
[19:21]
letting go of of nicotine
[19:27]
after 32 years.
[19:31]
I wanted to make a campfire today, but I
[19:33]
didn't think that that would work. So,
[19:35]
at the work center, it was still a
[19:36]
little bit windy and
[19:39]
um
[19:41]
you know, and I knew it would rain a
[19:42]
little bit on and off,
[19:45]
which that might have been okay if it
[19:47]
was just really
[19:50]
um really gentle rain like right now.
[19:56]
Just didn't feel like I could do that
[19:57]
today. So, I thought, okay, we'll go to
[19:59]
the ocean instead.
[20:01]
And
[20:03]
here we are.
[20:06]
No ATVs out here today.
[20:09]
They are fun to watch.
[20:25]
I mean, what a fun way to experience the
[20:27]
dunes.
[20:35]
That's where our route ends. We're the
[20:38]
18 m. The rest is all walking and dogs.
[20:43]
Everybody's off the beach today.
[20:49]
Look where I am.
[20:58]
[ __ ]
[21:08]
I built the perfect [ __ ] lane
[21:11]
despite everything.
[21:14]
I live right next to that ocean.
[21:19]
I can go see it whenever we [ __ ] want
[21:21]
to. I live right next to that ocean
[21:28]
as a caretaker volunteer
[21:31]
responsible for this entire corridor
[21:33]
that we're in right now.
[21:41]
You know, that's a that's a complicated
[21:45]
That's a complicated thing. But but
[21:48]
that's the life I created, right? I'm
[21:50]
acknowledging that living here.
[21:54]
It's just a volunteer caretaker who
[21:58]
gets to see the ocean whenever he wants
[22:00]
to.
[22:04]
In a sane world,
[22:07]
that would be
[22:10]
not only a highly respected thing to do.
[22:20]
Like I can imagine myself as a kid
[22:22]
thinking about someone like me now.
[22:26]
I would have had nothing but respect for
[22:28]
that person.
[22:31]
I would have wanted to know them.
[22:34]
I would have wanted to learn from them.
[22:40]
For some reason, people are just
[22:46]
[ __ ] not.
[22:48]
They don't think they're seeing this.
[22:58]
It's pretty [ __ ] sad.
[23:02]
So, this dune is no joke. We have to
[23:04]
walk down this and then over the next
[23:07]
part.
[23:10]
That's the only way we're getting out of
[23:11]
here. So, it has to be done. We'll try
[23:14]
to take a little bit of a better route.
[23:19]
Yeah. Looks like somebody else might
[23:21]
have even done it already once. This
[23:23]
could be me
[23:25]
from earlier. I don't know.
[23:29]
It might be. I think it is.
[23:33]
It is. Is this me?
[23:34]
Okay,
[23:37]
we've already been here.
[23:44]
That makes sense.
[23:51]
Just making the best life for myself I
[23:53]
can.
[23:56]
It's all I've ever tried to do.
[24:05]
I think I succeeded.
[24:09]
Now I'm quitting nicotine
[24:12]
as a big [ __ ] step after 32 years.
[24:17]
And I'm doing it cuz it's almost day
[24:19]
four.
[24:21]
It's almost here.
[24:24]
I'm not going to comp today. I'm not
[24:26]
that kind of person. I don't have my
[24:29]
anniversaries for [ __ ] like this,
[24:33]
you know, but this this first part,
[24:37]
right?
[24:39]
This is the hardest part. You got
[24:42]
through this first part and it's done.
[24:46]
This what you got to keep telling
[24:47]
yourself.
[24:50]
And I'm almost to day four.
