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so hello
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everybody mey would you please stop this
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cat just cannot like just leave me alone
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ever
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so I just thought I'll make a video this
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is more for my viewers than it is for
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me um I feel it's important so I'm I
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don't even know what I'm let me just try
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to say what I had on my mind
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so I'm sure some of you are probably
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wondering how things went with the
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whole gay Awakening version
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2.0 and it's actually very interesting I
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guess so I'm going to try to unpack that
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for you because there's a lesson here
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that I I hope that you will take from
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this
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so first of all I think it's important
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to note that I actually did think that
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this person was
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I mean there's no way this person is not
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special because for that person to
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attract my attention they have to be so
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that's number one okay this person is
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probably he's awesome like I
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said so that kind of
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adds a certain layer or complexity to
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this for me
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because when I realize that there might
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have been a connection there that I
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completely missed in the
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moment
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I I really didn't like the idea
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of a missed opportunity one that I
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haven't had in two decades you know so
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so that's like that's like number one
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that was that was weighing on
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me but it's important to also note that
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for me regardless of how that turned out
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the encounter itself is what's important
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not because of the person the person's
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almost
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like
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um just a catalyst for my own growth
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this experience caused all kinds of
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internal shifts for me and a lot of
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introspection for days the whole time
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I've been here in fact and it wasn't
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always comfortable a lot of it wasn't
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comfortable and it you know I kind of
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went back and forth where I was thinking
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this is exactly why I avoided this for
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two decades cuz this is not a internal
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state that I enjoy being in so so there
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was that and then there was but maybe
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you've done a lot of growing you know
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over the years maybe you
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could maybe this is something you could
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integrate into your life now and maybe
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it's worth exploring so I kind of kept
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going back and forth between these two
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things
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and um
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so it was like I had two choices I could
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either Retreat back into
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myself or I could do the absolutely
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terrifying scary as thing and see
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if this could go
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somewhere and the only way to do that is
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to go see this person and just say hi
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and just see where it goes from there
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and that terrified me that was and I and
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I would think about that it's like okay
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well any other
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situation I'd just go talk to the person
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but this somehow this is different and
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it's
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because even though you guys see me on
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camera and you see how authentic I am my
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authenticity is not vulnerability for me
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I whatever I share with
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you is not something you can use against
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me because
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it just it won't affect me like I it's
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I'm not being vulnerable I'm just being
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authentic and I was just being authentic
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when I told him he was awesome I was
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just being
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myself but this is different now I
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understand that
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my my emotions were wrapped up in this
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one
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where I felt
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vulnerable and
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going to see this
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person even though I wasn't attached to
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an outcome and I was perfectly
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comfortable with the idea of being
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rejected because what I just wanted was
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just
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to explore the possibility because there
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was
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this
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this what's the word I'm looking for
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here
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potential it felt like there was a
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potential here and I had a choice of
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either pursuing it or not but pursuing
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it that was scary so this is how my day
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went so I woke up this morning real
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early and I went I I immediately went
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hiking 6:00 in the morning actually it
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was still dark out and I just sort
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of um kind of use my intuition to guide
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me to the ocean cuz I didn't use any
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lights or they was dark out but I still
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managed to get there and I I was out
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there and it was raining and it was it
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was so pleasant I really loved this
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and because you know that's why I came
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here I was looking forward to just the
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rain and and what that experience would
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be like and I got to finally experience
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that for the first time I feel like so
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um
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anyways and I stayed out there a couple
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of hours and
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I must have I probably came back at some
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point but something kept drawing me back
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outside like I just could not be in this
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RV my
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energy my internal state was
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so
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um I'm just struggling with some of
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these words here I'm sorry
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so it was like this frantic energy in me
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like I just I I could not sit still is
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what it was I could not sit still I
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needed to be outside I get like this
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sometimes when something
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is challenging my internal state that
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seems to be what I do I get out of
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nature is what I
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do so the second time I went back out
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and all the trails are are near the gate
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house like like there's no way of
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avoiding you know and I've got all these
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thoughts going on like I don't want this
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person thinking that I'm just trying
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like you
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know like I'm legitimately going hiking
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like this is not about you but at the
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same time it is because it's
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like I'm just really trying
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to I am just I am in aninal space with
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this situation like it just it
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was something that I
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just it dominated me this weekend my
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thoughts were all focused on this like I
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just couldn't seem to let this
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go so
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anyways
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um somehow I managed to find the courage
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to walk up to that gate house not
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knowing if it was there not knowing what
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I was going to do I was just going to
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say hello and then whatever happened
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happened but he wasn't there so I just
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went hiking
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but I was very proud of myself because
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that that was vulnerability and that was
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fear
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and it took strength to do that and I
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want you to know that I did this because
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I'm trying to show you that I practice
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what I preach so
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when I really thought this through so
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like you guys watched me have fear about
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driving up that mountain
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for a whole week I had to do this and I
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did it and I just worked with my fear
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and I said so why am I treating this
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fear differently you know this is
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emotional Fe this is vulnerability
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related to my emotions so completely
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different situation but the same
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principle and I had to just tell myself
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that you know treat this like you did
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the mountain and I did I was very proud
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of
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this and he wasn't there which was a
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little disappointing and also some
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relief of course and I just you know I
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just kept going to the ocean this ocean
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just keeps keeps drawing me to
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it and then there was like a third time
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that I went outside I think that time I
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probably walked into town several miles
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in the rain and it was just a fun
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fabulous experience I had my headphones
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on and I'm just just having the best
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time my phone told me I'd walk something
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like 16,000 steps
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and on the way back it was getting later
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in the day and I was like let's just try
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again like I was like I cuz I'm leaving
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in the morning and I was like this might
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be the last opportunity just just go
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check but I was so scared like I
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just I had I had the courage to do it
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the first time and I was like I don't
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know if I can do it a second time but I
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did I went up there and he still wasn't
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there so you know bit of a bummer but I
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did it I'm so proud of myself for that
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because what I did was allowed myself to
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be vulnerable to be scared and to still
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allow myself to be open to the
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possibility of connection with another
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human
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being and that's the lesson I want you
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to take from
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this so tomorrow I'm probably going to
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bed early tonight probably soon after I
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finish recording this and it's because I
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want to get up early I have like a lot
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of this place is a bit there's some
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chaos in here like I've got to kind of
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clean things up and you know just I have
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to move move to another campground
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tomorrow so um I just want to just you
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know get all that done in the morning
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and then I don't know from there I think
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that that
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it's you know the opportunity it's a
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missed opportunity it's over it happened
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I had this one encounter that
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was something I'll probably remember for
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a long time it was pretty amazing I
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just because it opened up something in
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me this part's not about him this is
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about
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how I love
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myself grow from this
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experience and it's okay that you
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know there's like you know no real
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resolution it there it just is what it
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is you can
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find this part's harder to explain CU
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now we're getting into kind of what it
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means to be an integrated person I don't
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really know how
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to um share this
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part most
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people try to get validation oh my phone
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at 5% battery I forgot about that hold
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on most people try to get validation
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from external sources not from
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themselves you know they
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might feel some sense of um a lack of
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completion because they weren't able to
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find out definitively does this person
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like me or not
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um but you don't have to look at things
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that way you can find it from
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within all right sorry Bailey please
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Bailey don't okay
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whatever
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um so I don't know if I'm ever coming
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back here I don't really like this
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Campground the sites are very close
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together and it just doesn't it's
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there's just like this chaotic energy to
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the place like I absolutely loved being
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on the coast and experiencing that
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for you know days of me just being out
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there I really really enjoyed that part
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um there
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are there are some sites that I did like
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cuz I went around I actually that was
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another thing I did today I took my my
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um my bag of ducks out and I handed them
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out to all the different Jeeps all of
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them and I even noticed one person
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didn't keep theirs because like 10
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minutes later I was walking walk into
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the hiking trails and he drove by and
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there was no duck and I just knew that
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one wasn't keeping it but I gave them to
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all of the all of the Jeeps that was a
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fun little thing I did and then while I
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was doing that I
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was um
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just checking out which campsites were
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the best ones where I would feel the
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most comfortable and I made a note of
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those and then when I was trying to
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figure out where am I going after the
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campground I'm going to next cuz I
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thought I would come back here kind of
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cycle between the two maybe for the
[14:02]
winter cuz I'm not trying to head north
[14:04]
I'm trying to
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um explore Bailey stop it man
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God trying to explore the forest and all
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of
[14:17]
that um but here
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so that cat just completely just wrecked
[14:24]
my brain just now he never leaves me
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alone I love this cat to death but he
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has no sense of
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boundaries um and trust me he's fine
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he's just over there just being as a
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normal self
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um that's my train of
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thought oh so I was thinking I'd
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probably come back here this is also
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where the dump station is the other Park
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doesn't have one um but I couldn't find
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any for the ones that I liked like if I
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was to come back here I'd be at a site
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that I don't really want to be at and
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I don't think the fact that there is
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someone here that I might be interested
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in who may or may not have any interest
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in me you know as a reason
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to
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um like I am a sovereign person like I'm
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not trying to change myself for
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nobody
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and so I just don't know from here I
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don't know what I'm doing after these
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next two weeks for the next two weeks
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I'm going to be at a different
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Campground and I'm just going to be
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exploring the forest there you know all
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the trails everything that I can all the
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different roads and you know so that's
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what I'll be that's what I'll be
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documenting at that point and what I do
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after that I just don't know I'm just
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going to let life unfold like I always
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do there's another lesson for you
