Recording Late-Night Before Camp Move, Day 14

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April 24, 2024 rswfire PUBLISHED

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[0:01] so I'm just going to complain for a

[0:02] minute and then I'm going to try to tell

[0:04] you guys something profound okay is that

[0:06] a

[0:08] deal I can't sleep I'm

[0:11] anxious I have to move camps in like a

[0:14] day and I have I don't know why I'm

[0:17] anxious about just cuz I haven't done it

[0:18] I guess like I didn't feel that way

[0:20] coming here but like you have to

[0:23] navigate so many things like the fact

[0:25] that I have to leave here at a certain

[0:27] time and I can only arrive at the other

[0:28] place at a certain time and they're

[0:32] like not even close like I think the

[0:35] other place I you like show up at 5 like

[0:38] what am I going to do till then with a

[0:39] big camper I have no

[0:41] idea um try to find propane I guess and

[0:44] then figure out how to put the propane

[0:46] in my tanks if I have to do it myself

[0:49] like you know like I assume there's no

[0:53] attendant there that's going to help you

[0:54] do

[0:56] it oh my God so I was trying to sleep I

[0:59] just couldn't

[1:01] um and it was like 4 Minutes to Midnight

[1:04] so I'm counting this is

[1:06] day I have to look it up 14 I think my

[1:10] cats are over here by the way they're

[1:11] both on the bed with me eliver is on my

[1:14] lap M's over

[1:17] here this is like the most uncomfortable

[1:20] bed I have ever slept in in my life and

[1:22] I have

[1:23] two like bed Toppers on it it's still

[1:27] uncomfortable and then you add these two

[1:29] cats it's like I don't even know how to

[1:31] sleep in this bed

[1:33] cuz like I'm trying to sleep at an angle

[1:35] between them and it's just not

[1:38] working yeah I mean these are

[1:41] just you know this is just the start of

[1:46] my new life here like you know we'll all

[1:49] adjust over looks awfully comfortable

[1:52] don't want to disturb him Bailey always

[1:54] looks comfortable that cat knows how to

[1:56] sleep it just does he is just a m at it

[2:02] so at least they're here they were

[2:04] playing I'm like I'm trying to sleep

[2:06] they're out there playing and you know

[2:08] just making all kinds of

[2:10] noise but at least they kind of they

[2:12] kind of stay on the same schedule as me

[2:14] which is

[2:15] nice the first week wasn't like that

[2:18] they were up in the cab area the whole

[2:20] time just looking out those windows so I

[2:23] guess it's not too new to them now so

[2:26] that's good I'm just going to pause this

[2:27] for a sec so so I feel like I just need

[2:31] to to say this I I

[2:34] definitely don't want to be popular on

[2:37] YouTube like at all so

[2:40] Carolyn very kindly made this post that

[2:44] directed some of her visitors or

[2:46] subscribers to me and they're all very

[2:49] wonderful people but do you know who

[2:51] came with them the people who troll her

[2:54] and they are rude oh my god I've been

[2:57] deleting their comments like

[3:03] man I I could I could get really angry

[3:05] if I actually stopped to think about it

[3:07] for a second like I was just about to

[3:09] start getting

[3:10] angry um this is wrong it's just

[3:14] wrong and I don't know I just I like the

[3:17] personal feel of my channel I really do

[3:19] I really am not aspiring to anything I

[3:22] was starting to get to know some people

[3:24] and I like that I really do like

[3:27] that um

[3:32] yeah I I've had a lot of time to think

[3:35] about this and like well it's kind of to

[3:39] me it's interesting because I didn't

[3:41] know about the community the YouTube

[3:43] community at all when I started my RV

[3:46] journey and so I've had like a lot of

[3:50] catching up to do and I've learned about

[3:52] some of the really popular YouTubers I'm

[3:54] not talking about Carolyn I'm just

[3:56] talking about the

[3:57] others and

[4:00] I've seen their old videos and I've seen

[4:03] how they are now and they're different

[4:05] people they're way less authentic than

[4:08] they used to be I love

[4:10] them I love their older videos and like

[4:14] I don't want that to happen to me I

[4:16] would if that ever happened to me then

[4:18] then I've gone to well I've said this

[4:20] I'm gone to the dark side if that

[4:23] happens um I don't think that about

[4:26] Caroline I'm not even trying to make

[4:27] this video about her it's just I guess

[4:29] she's on my mind now but others I don't

[4:33] want to name names but you can see the

[4:35] change in people and

[4:38] I that cannot happen to me because that

[4:41] is just not acceptable like my brain

[4:44] will not accept

[4:46] that not that I think I could ever even

[4:49] be that popular because honestly I think

[4:51] that that's impossible but um I'm just

[4:55] saying I just want you guys to know kind

[4:57] of where my head is like I just

[5:02] I mean I just think it's kind of sad

[5:04] like cuz I would much rather watch their

[5:06] old videos because they're just so

[5:08] wonderful and then the new ones are

[5:12] like so click baiting and just not

[5:17] authentic at all it's all about selling

[5:19] stuff you know and

[5:22] just it isn't the same from what I've

[5:26] seen but you know I I guess I should add

[5:28] that disclaimer there so much I haven't

[5:30] seen right I don't I mean there's

[5:32] probably thousands and thousands and

[5:34] thousands of rvers out there I've never

[5:36] even heard of yet I'm just talking about

[5:39] like the ones that just seem to always

[5:41] come up in my feed you

[5:44] know it's just sad cuz they seem like

[5:47] really awesome

[5:49] people

[5:51] but yeah guys don't hate me for this

[5:54] that's just how I feel it really is

[5:56] though I'm just going to be honest about

[5:58] it um I think it's also important to say

[6:00] I'm not trying to join any kind of

[6:02] community like that's why I did this I

[6:05] genuinely started my

[6:07] adventure not knowing that there was one

[6:10] like I did this for me I did this

[6:12] because I needed a change in my

[6:14] life a big change and I wanted to get

[6:17] closer to Nature and I just wanted to

[6:19] live a different kind of life I I just I

[6:23] needed to get like I just needed it and

[6:26] I can't

[6:28] like let me think about this for a

[6:30] second it goes back to my first video

[6:33] okay like I genuinely started my channel

[6:36] because I wanted others to know that it

[6:38] was okay to be afraid because I was

[6:41] terrified and I could not find anybody

[6:43] talking about that and I'm still scared

[6:46] I I am still scared and that's why I'm

[6:49] still

[6:50] posting you know I don't know how long I

[6:53] will do this for you guys need to know

[6:54] that like I'm not going to do this

[6:56] forever I'm just

[6:58] not I already tried to quit once so um I

[7:03] don't want to hurt anybody's feelings it

[7:04] seems like some people genuinely care

[7:06] about me which is I don't even know what

[7:08] to think about that

[7:10] honestly um it's very

[7:13] heartfelt I

[7:15] just I guess I'm surprised I mean you

[7:18] now heard some of my story is very hard

[7:20] for me

[7:22] to

[7:23] [Music]

[7:25] imagine and I don't know why but it just

[7:27] is it's hard for me to imagine anybody

[7:29] caring about

[7:31] me I am so winging the skies like I'm

[7:35] I'm so scared right now that I'm

[7:37] thinking

[7:38] tomorrow that I'm just going to hook my

[7:40] Jeep up just to make sure that I I can

[7:43] like make sure that I have all the stuff

[7:46] I need to do it cuz I had taken it to my

[7:47] house for a little while like like I

[7:50] just have so many thoughts going through

[7:51] my head about this like cuz I have to be

[7:53] ready to go like I'm not allowed to be

[7:55] here after a certain time and

[7:57] then I don't even know like I I just

[8:00] have to like tomorrow I have

[8:04] to can I find out when I can check in at

[8:07] that other place see if they'll let me

[8:08] check in early if that's even possible

[8:10] cuz like where will I go I don't know

[8:12] what to do with this camper except like

[8:15] like take it to a campground I I'm just

[8:18] I do not have the

[8:21] experience it's remarkable to me that I

[8:24] somehow managed to do this by the way

[8:27] like this is where I live with my two

[8:30] cats like that is not a scenario that

[8:34] ever entered my head until like a month

[8:36] ago so it's just like and here I am like

[8:40] I just did it I just it was somewhat

[8:44] impulsive I just needed a change that

[8:46] bad like I just really needed a change

[8:50] in my life and it had to be something

[8:52] like this it had to be profound it had

[8:55] to be

[8:57] dramatic and that's also why I'm going

[8:59] to Nevada that's and that's why I'm

[9:01] planning my trip to Nevada the way I am

[9:03] like I

[9:05] just I don't know what I'm doing it's

[9:08] like something is pushing me it's not me

[9:12] that's doing I cannot explain this to

[9:14] you I don't even know if I should try

[9:15] because it'll just sound

[9:18] weird it's like there's this impulse

[9:21] there's

[9:23] this energy something that's just

[9:25] drawing me there and I don't feel fully

[9:29] control of

[9:31] it um that definitely sounds weird I am

[9:34] not a spiritual person I used to be for

[9:37] a lot of my life I was and then I

[9:39] watched something I was already in the

[9:42] process of kind of losing all of that

[9:46] but I watched something called letting

[9:48] go of God um I'm so sad

[9:52] that I think Julia Sweeney look it up on

[9:56] YouTube that thing made me agnostic just

[9:59] just by watching it it is that

[10:01] good

[10:05] um you got to understand

[10:10] I I remember one time just yelling up at

[10:14] this guy at God asking why he made me

[10:17] gay because I hated myself that

[10:19] much

[10:21] like I just I cried myself to sleep

[10:25] every night as a teenager praying to God

[10:27] to make me straight in the morning

[10:29] morning and it never happened so like

[10:31] the

[10:32] first I came out to a church before I

[10:36] did anybody else and they told me that I

[10:38] could be straight if I wanted to be they

[10:41] told that to a

[10:43] 15-year-old um I'm not a big fan of

[10:46] religion I'll tell you that much and I'm

[10:48] not really into spirituality but there's

[10:50] like

[10:52] something compelling me that's the word

[10:54] I want to use it's just I feel compelled

[10:56] right

[10:57] now you know it's not it's not a

[11:00] spiritual thing it's not energy like I

[11:02] was saying it's just I feel I feel

[11:04] compelled to do this I feel

[11:07] compelled and I think that this YouTube

[11:09] channel is way more for myself than it

[11:11] is for anyone else like I watch my own

[11:14] videos I watch them over and over

[11:16] somehow it is giving me

[11:18] strength and that's why I'm doing it

[11:21] like I'm doing it for me I I am so

[11:24] terrified guys I am just terrified

[11:30] and excited and just so many emotions

[11:34] but this is

[11:36] really I don't know I I don't know if

[11:39] everybody feels this way like I truly

[11:41] don't know like maybe they do but don't

[11:44] talk about it I don't

[11:45] know I suspect probably not I think most

[11:50] people probably just do this and are

[11:52] fine like for me it is not like that you

[11:56] know I'm really proud of myself though

[11:59] I cut myself free of everything that was

[12:01] holding me back and did

[12:06] this I don't regret it I truly don't

[12:09] regret it it's just really scarying like

[12:12] it's

[12:13] just because it's it's fear of the

[12:15] unknown at this point it's just fear of

[12:17] the unknown I I you know I have to do

[12:19] everything I'm doing I have to do on my

[12:21] own and it feels

[12:23] hard like you know one of my stabilizers

[12:27] won't come down

[12:29] and then I started thinking what if the

[12:31] other one doesn't come up tomorrow like

[12:34] like what do I do then right

[12:38] just and I don't like my tires the tires

[12:40] are like 8 years old and I need to

[12:42] replace them and I have got to figure

[12:44] out where to do that like I obviously a

[12:46] tire shop right but

[12:50] um I'm going to have to take it there

[12:52] right and just this is really hard for

[12:56] me um

[13:02] that's why I post these videos CU I'm

[13:05] doing it despite all of that and I I

[13:09] hope that inspires someone else who

[13:12] feels like me someday like I don't even

[13:15] know that it is today like maybe someday

[13:17] somebody sees my videos who who needs to

[13:20] see them right

[13:22] and it's just that whole Pay It Forward

[13:25] thing that I have like I just

[13:31] I don't know guys I I'm probably not

[13:33] making a lot of sense it is very late

[13:35] I'm tired but I can't

[13:37] sleep I'm grateful I'm truly grateful

[13:41] that people are actually watching me and

[13:44] and interacting with me on here

[13:48] like I really enjoy like the people that

[13:51] I've been talking to

[13:54] um I'm not trying to grow an audience

[13:57] here though I I just need this to be

[13:59] clear

[14:01] because I don't I don't want to grow an

[14:04] audience I want to stay small like

[14:06] forever like forever I never want a big

[14:09] crowd on

[14:11] here I I want to get to know the people

[14:16] that I just want to know the people that

[14:19] that are watching me like to me it can't

[14:22] be one-sided I I don't like that I don't

[14:25] work that way um and I've been thinking

[14:28] a lot about like how to fix that

[14:32] because that's just how YouTube is set

[14:34] up and like there's all kinds of social

[14:36] media out there it just I'm just not

[14:39] sure

[14:41] where where you know I tried the Discord

[14:44] thing that didn't work like Twitter's

[14:46] gone to trash right Facebook is just

[14:49] ridiculous these

[14:51] days um I mean what is there there

[14:54] there's nothing like so I just I don't

[14:56] know

[15:00] I'm

[15:02] just I'm still lost guys I'm still very

[15:05] lost and I'm still trying to find out

[15:09] like figure out

[15:11] find I don't want I keep wanting it's

[15:13] like I'm trying to say find myself but I

[15:15] don't think that's right it's more like

[15:18] find my place I haven't found it

[15:22] yet and that's why I'm in this RV cuz

[15:25] I'm looking for it

[15:30] and I hope I find it I truly do

[0:01] so I'm just going to complain for a

[0:02] minute and then I'm going to try to tell

[0:04] you guys something profound okay is that

[0:06] a

[0:08] deal I can't sleep I'm

[0:11] anxious I have to move camps in like a

[0:14] day and I have I don't know why I'm

[0:17] anxious about just cuz I haven't done it

[0:18] I guess like I didn't feel that way

[0:20] coming here but like you have to

[0:23] navigate so many things like the fact

[0:25] that I have to leave here at a certain

[0:27] time and I can only arrive at the other

[0:28] place at a certain time and they're

[0:32] like not even close like I think the

[0:35] other place I you like show up at 5 like

[0:38] what am I going to do till then with a

[0:39] big camper I have no

[0:41] idea um try to find propane I guess and

[0:44] then figure out how to put the propane

[0:46] in my tanks if I have to do it myself

[0:49] like you know like I assume there's no

[0:53] attendant there that's going to help you

[0:54] do

[0:56] it oh my God so I was trying to sleep I

[0:59] just couldn't

[1:01] um and it was like 4 Minutes to Midnight

[1:04] so I'm counting this is

[1:06] day I have to look it up 14 I think my

[1:10] cats are over here by the way they're

[1:11] both on the bed with me eliver is on my

[1:14] lap M's over

[1:17] here this is like the most uncomfortable

[1:20] bed I have ever slept in in my life and

[1:22] I have

[1:23] two like bed Toppers on it it's still

[1:27] uncomfortable and then you add these two

[1:29] cats it's like I don't even know how to

[1:31] sleep in this bed

[1:33] cuz like I'm trying to sleep at an angle

[1:35] between them and it's just not

[1:38] working yeah I mean these are

[1:41] just you know this is just the start of

[1:46] my new life here like you know we'll all

[1:49] adjust over looks awfully comfortable

[1:52] don't want to disturb him Bailey always

[1:54] looks comfortable that cat knows how to

[1:56] sleep it just does he is just a m at it

[2:02] so at least they're here they were

[2:04] playing I'm like I'm trying to sleep

[2:06] they're out there playing and you know

[2:08] just making all kinds of

[2:10] noise but at least they kind of they

[2:12] kind of stay on the same schedule as me

[2:14] which is

[2:15] nice the first week wasn't like that

[2:18] they were up in the cab area the whole

[2:20] time just looking out those windows so I

[2:23] guess it's not too new to them now so

[2:26] that's good I'm just going to pause this

[2:27] for a sec so so I feel like I just need

[2:31] to to say this I I

[2:34] definitely don't want to be popular on

[2:37] YouTube like at all so

[2:40] Carolyn very kindly made this post that

[2:44] directed some of her visitors or

[2:46] subscribers to me and they're all very

[2:49] wonderful people but do you know who

[2:51] came with them the people who troll her

[2:54] and they are rude oh my god I've been

[2:57] deleting their comments like

[3:03] man I I could I could get really angry

[3:05] if I actually stopped to think about it

[3:07] for a second like I was just about to

[3:09] start getting

[3:10] angry um this is wrong it's just

[3:14] wrong and I don't know I just I like the

[3:17] personal feel of my channel I really do

[3:19] I really am not aspiring to anything I

[3:22] was starting to get to know some people

[3:24] and I like that I really do like

[3:27] that um

[3:32] yeah I I've had a lot of time to think

[3:35] about this and like well it's kind of to

[3:39] me it's interesting because I didn't

[3:41] know about the community the YouTube

[3:43] community at all when I started my RV

[3:46] journey and so I've had like a lot of

[3:50] catching up to do and I've learned about

[3:52] some of the really popular YouTubers I'm

[3:54] not talking about Carolyn I'm just

[3:56] talking about the

[3:57] others and

[4:00] I've seen their old videos and I've seen

[4:03] how they are now and they're different

[4:05] people they're way less authentic than

[4:08] they used to be I love

[4:10] them I love their older videos and like

[4:14] I don't want that to happen to me I

[4:16] would if that ever happened to me then

[4:18] then I've gone to well I've said this

[4:20] I'm gone to the dark side if that

[4:23] happens um I don't think that about

[4:26] Caroline I'm not even trying to make

[4:27] this video about her it's just I guess

[4:29] she's on my mind now but others I don't

[4:33] want to name names but you can see the

[4:35] change in people and

[4:38] I that cannot happen to me because that

[4:41] is just not acceptable like my brain

[4:44] will not accept

[4:46] that not that I think I could ever even

[4:49] be that popular because honestly I think

[4:51] that that's impossible but um I'm just

[4:55] saying I just want you guys to know kind

[4:57] of where my head is like I just

[5:02] I mean I just think it's kind of sad

[5:04] like cuz I would much rather watch their

[5:06] old videos because they're just so

[5:08] wonderful and then the new ones are

[5:12] like so click baiting and just not

[5:17] authentic at all it's all about selling

[5:19] stuff you know and

[5:22] just it isn't the same from what I've

[5:26] seen but you know I I guess I should add

[5:28] that disclaimer there so much I haven't

[5:30] seen right I don't I mean there's

[5:32] probably thousands and thousands and

[5:34] thousands of rvers out there I've never

[5:36] even heard of yet I'm just talking about

[5:39] like the ones that just seem to always

[5:41] come up in my feed you

[5:44] know it's just sad cuz they seem like

[5:47] really awesome

[5:49] people

[5:51] but yeah guys don't hate me for this

[5:54] that's just how I feel it really is

[5:56] though I'm just going to be honest about

[5:58] it um I think it's also important to say

[6:00] I'm not trying to join any kind of

[6:02] community like that's why I did this I

[6:05] genuinely started my

[6:07] adventure not knowing that there was one

[6:10] like I did this for me I did this

[6:12] because I needed a change in my

[6:14] life a big change and I wanted to get

[6:17] closer to Nature and I just wanted to

[6:19] live a different kind of life I I just I

[6:23] needed to get like I just needed it and

[6:26] I can't

[6:28] like let me think about this for a

[6:30] second it goes back to my first video

[6:33] okay like I genuinely started my channel

[6:36] because I wanted others to know that it

[6:38] was okay to be afraid because I was

[6:41] terrified and I could not find anybody

[6:43] talking about that and I'm still scared

[6:46] I I am still scared and that's why I'm

[6:49] still

[6:50] posting you know I don't know how long I

[6:53] will do this for you guys need to know

[6:54] that like I'm not going to do this

[6:56] forever I'm just

[6:58] not I already tried to quit once so um I

[7:03] don't want to hurt anybody's feelings it

[7:04] seems like some people genuinely care

[7:06] about me which is I don't even know what

[7:08] to think about that

[7:10] honestly um it's very

[7:13] heartfelt I

[7:15] just I guess I'm surprised I mean you

[7:18] now heard some of my story is very hard

[7:20] for me

[7:22] to

[7:23] [Music]

[7:25] imagine and I don't know why but it just

[7:27] is it's hard for me to imagine anybody

[7:29] caring about

[7:31] me I am so winging the skies like I'm

[7:35] I'm so scared right now that I'm

[7:37] thinking

[7:38] tomorrow that I'm just going to hook my

[7:40] Jeep up just to make sure that I I can

[7:43] like make sure that I have all the stuff

[7:46] I need to do it cuz I had taken it to my

[7:47] house for a little while like like I

[7:50] just have so many thoughts going through

[7:51] my head about this like cuz I have to be

[7:53] ready to go like I'm not allowed to be

[7:55] here after a certain time and

[7:57] then I don't even know like I I just

[8:00] have to like tomorrow I have

[8:04] to can I find out when I can check in at

[8:07] that other place see if they'll let me

[8:08] check in early if that's even possible

[8:10] cuz like where will I go I don't know

[8:12] what to do with this camper except like

[8:15] like take it to a campground I I'm just

[8:18] I do not have the

[8:21] experience it's remarkable to me that I

[8:24] somehow managed to do this by the way

[8:27] like this is where I live with my two

[8:30] cats like that is not a scenario that

[8:34] ever entered my head until like a month

[8:36] ago so it's just like and here I am like

[8:40] I just did it I just it was somewhat

[8:44] impulsive I just needed a change that

[8:46] bad like I just really needed a change

[8:50] in my life and it had to be something

[8:52] like this it had to be profound it had

[8:55] to be

[8:57] dramatic and that's also why I'm going

[8:59] to Nevada that's and that's why I'm

[9:01] planning my trip to Nevada the way I am

[9:03] like I

[9:05] just I don't know what I'm doing it's

[9:08] like something is pushing me it's not me

[9:12] that's doing I cannot explain this to

[9:14] you I don't even know if I should try

[9:15] because it'll just sound

[9:18] weird it's like there's this impulse

[9:21] there's

[9:23] this energy something that's just

[9:25] drawing me there and I don't feel fully

[9:29] control of

[9:31] it um that definitely sounds weird I am

[9:34] not a spiritual person I used to be for

[9:37] a lot of my life I was and then I

[9:39] watched something I was already in the

[9:42] process of kind of losing all of that

[9:46] but I watched something called letting

[9:48] go of God um I'm so sad

[9:52] that I think Julia Sweeney look it up on

[9:56] YouTube that thing made me agnostic just

[9:59] just by watching it it is that

[10:01] good

[10:05] um you got to understand

[10:10] I I remember one time just yelling up at

[10:14] this guy at God asking why he made me

[10:17] gay because I hated myself that

[10:19] much

[10:21] like I just I cried myself to sleep

[10:25] every night as a teenager praying to God

[10:27] to make me straight in the morning

[10:29] morning and it never happened so like

[10:31] the

[10:32] first I came out to a church before I

[10:36] did anybody else and they told me that I

[10:38] could be straight if I wanted to be they

[10:41] told that to a

[10:43] 15-year-old um I'm not a big fan of

[10:46] religion I'll tell you that much and I'm

[10:48] not really into spirituality but there's

[10:50] like

[10:52] something compelling me that's the word

[10:54] I want to use it's just I feel compelled

[10:56] right

[10:57] now you know it's not it's not a

[11:00] spiritual thing it's not energy like I

[11:02] was saying it's just I feel I feel

[11:04] compelled to do this I feel

[11:07] compelled and I think that this YouTube

[11:09] channel is way more for myself than it

[11:11] is for anyone else like I watch my own

[11:14] videos I watch them over and over

[11:16] somehow it is giving me

[11:18] strength and that's why I'm doing it

[11:21] like I'm doing it for me I I am so

[11:24] terrified guys I am just terrified

[11:30] and excited and just so many emotions

[11:34] but this is

[11:36] really I don't know I I don't know if

[11:39] everybody feels this way like I truly

[11:41] don't know like maybe they do but don't

[11:44] talk about it I don't

[11:45] know I suspect probably not I think most

[11:50] people probably just do this and are

[11:52] fine like for me it is not like that you

[11:56] know I'm really proud of myself though

[11:59] I cut myself free of everything that was

[12:01] holding me back and did

[12:06] this I don't regret it I truly don't

[12:09] regret it it's just really scarying like

[12:12] it's

[12:13] just because it's it's fear of the

[12:15] unknown at this point it's just fear of

[12:17] the unknown I I you know I have to do

[12:19] everything I'm doing I have to do on my

[12:21] own and it feels

[12:23] hard like you know one of my stabilizers

[12:27] won't come down

[12:29] and then I started thinking what if the

[12:31] other one doesn't come up tomorrow like

[12:34] like what do I do then right

[12:38] just and I don't like my tires the tires

[12:40] are like 8 years old and I need to

[12:42] replace them and I have got to figure

[12:44] out where to do that like I obviously a

[12:46] tire shop right but

[12:50] um I'm going to have to take it there

[12:52] right and just this is really hard for

[12:56] me um

[13:02] that's why I post these videos CU I'm

[13:05] doing it despite all of that and I I

[13:09] hope that inspires someone else who

[13:12] feels like me someday like I don't even

[13:15] know that it is today like maybe someday

[13:17] somebody sees my videos who who needs to

[13:20] see them right

[13:22] and it's just that whole Pay It Forward

[13:25] thing that I have like I just

[13:31] I don't know guys I I'm probably not

[13:33] making a lot of sense it is very late

[13:35] I'm tired but I can't

[13:37] sleep I'm grateful I'm truly grateful

[13:41] that people are actually watching me and

[13:44] and interacting with me on here

[13:48] like I really enjoy like the people that

[13:51] I've been talking to

[13:54] um I'm not trying to grow an audience

[13:57] here though I I just need this to be

[13:59] clear

[14:01] because I don't I don't want to grow an

[14:04] audience I want to stay small like

[14:06] forever like forever I never want a big

[14:09] crowd on

[14:11] here I I want to get to know the people

[14:16] that I just want to know the people that

[14:19] that are watching me like to me it can't

[14:22] be one-sided I I don't like that I don't

[14:25] work that way um and I've been thinking

[14:28] a lot about like how to fix that

[14:32] because that's just how YouTube is set

[14:34] up and like there's all kinds of social

[14:36] media out there it just I'm just not

[14:39] sure

[14:41] where where you know I tried the Discord

[14:44] thing that didn't work like Twitter's

[14:46] gone to trash right Facebook is just

[14:49] ridiculous these

[14:51] days um I mean what is there there

[14:54] there's nothing like so I just I don't

[14:56] know

[15:00] I'm

[15:02] just I'm still lost guys I'm still very

[15:05] lost and I'm still trying to find out

[15:09] like figure out

[15:11] find I don't want I keep wanting it's

[15:13] like I'm trying to say find myself but I

[15:15] don't think that's right it's more like

[15:18] find my place I haven't found it

[15:22] yet and that's why I'm in this RV cuz

[15:25] I'm looking for it

[15:30] and I hope I find it I truly do

10:03

Driving to Collect Supplies, Day Eight of RV Life

Apr 18, 2024

2:38

Settling Cats and Gaming Rig into the Camper

Apr 18, 2024

Photos · Apr 19, 2024

Apr 19, 2024

Photos · Apr 19, 2024

Apr 19, 2024

10:56

Emptying the House, Debating the Cats

Apr 20, 2024

8:33

Setting Up the Camper and Retrieving the Cats

Apr 20, 2024

2:03

Mounting Storage Baskets in the Camper

Apr 20, 2024

0:41

Recalling Firesworn Nation in EVE Online

Apr 21, 2024

4:33

Day Eleven: Cold Mornings and Neighbor Departures

Apr 21, 2024

2:38

Routing Next Stop and Deferring Dental Work

Apr 21, 2024

2:56

Managing Gray Tank Limits and Booking Tennessee Site

Apr 21, 2024

1:34

Unpacking Books and Storage Outside the Camper

Apr 21, 2024

1:35

Fixing Water Hookup and Deploying Solar Panel

Apr 21, 2024

0:44

Responding to RV Miles Video on Homelessness

Apr 22, 2024

3:15

Preparing RV Interior Before Retrieving Cats

Apr 22, 2024

2:26

Planning Route to Great Basin National Park

Apr 22, 2024

1:43

Day 12: Missing Journals and Retrieving Cats

Apr 22, 2024

46:56

Driving Cats to Camper, Documenting Family History

Apr 23, 2024

12:47

Documenting Day 13 of RV Life at Campsite

Apr 24, 2024

15:34

Recording Late-Night Before Camp Move, Day 14

Apr 24, 2024

2:40

Contemplating Platform Control and New Morning Rituals

Apr 24, 2024

15:03

Organizing Camper Storage on Day 14

Apr 24, 2024

10:22

Mapping RV Route to Great Basin National Park

Apr 24, 2024

9:37

Closing Out Day 14 Before Departure

Apr 25, 2024

37:19

Preparing Travel Day With Cats and Tapering Plan

Apr 25, 2024

2:32

Departing Solo for Tennessee with Cats and RV

Apr 25, 2024

36:41

Rain, Power Loss, and First Weeks in the Camper

Apr 26, 2024

9:26

Recovering Journals, Driving to Carthage Walmart

Apr 26, 2024

21:31

Cooking First Chili in the Camper on a Windy Day

Apr 27, 2024

5:43

Explaining Why Tapering Is Not Available

Apr 27, 2024

3:23

Clearing the House, Recovering the Journals

Apr 27, 2024

21:34

Assessing Camper Level While Tapering Off Opioids

Apr 28, 2024

3:14

Waking to an Emptied Campground, Recalibrating the Day

Apr 28, 2024

2:11

Leveling the RV, Weighing Travel Pace

Apr 28, 2024

2:53

Day One of Withdrawal at the Campground

Apr 29, 2024

4:23

Documenting First Night Off Opioids

Apr 29, 2024

20:41

Walking the Campground on Site 77

Apr 29, 2024

3:19

Setting Up Twitch Stream Without Sleep

Apr 29, 2024

6:08

Addressing Trolls, Gray Tank, and Cat Housing Decision

Apr 30, 2024

2:55

Relocating Cats to Parents Early in Camper Life

Apr 30, 2024

6:58

Handing Off Cats and Leaving the House

Apr 30, 2024

PUBLIC

April 24, 2024 rswfire PUBLISHED

Temp 0.50

Density 0.70

Energetic Quality

wakeful and unguarded

Journey Phase

transitional

Directional Vector

toward a place not yet located

Narrative

Four minutes before midnight on the fourteenth day, rswfire gave up on sleeping and picked up the camera instead. The bed was the worst he had ever slept in — two toppers on it and still hard — and he was trying to angle himself into the gap between two cats who had claimed the middle. Oliver had settled on his lap. Mo was stretched out beside him. Bailey lay nearby looking, as rswfire put it, awfully comfortable, a cat who knows how to sleep and is just a master at it, and rswfire declined to move him. Earlier in the week the cats had spent their nights up in the cab area watching the windows; now they were keeping his hours, playing loudly while he tried to rest and then settling where he needed to lie. He noted this as adjustment — theirs and his — the start of a new life that all three of them were still learning the shape of.

He said he would complain for a minute and then try to say something profound, and offered that as a deal. The complaint was logistics. In roughly a day he had to move camps for the first time, and the mechanics of it had stacked up in the dark: a departure deadline he could not miss, an arrival window at the next place that might not open until five, and a gap in between with a big camper and nowhere to put it. Propane to find, and possibly to load into the tanks himself, with no attendant to show him how. A stabilizer that would not come down, and the thought that followed it — what if tomorrow the other one won't come up. Tires eight years old that he did not like and had to get replaced, which meant towing the trailer to a shop, which was one more thing he had never done. He said he had not felt this coming here. He said he did not know why it had arrived now, except that he had not done it before.

Then he paused the recording, and when it resumed he was on a different subject and holding it more firmly. Carolyn had made a post directing some of her subscribers toward his channel, and they were wonderful people — but her trolls had come with them, and he had spent time deleting their comments. He could feel anger available if he stopped to look at it, and he named it, and did not go in. What he wanted to say was smaller and more structural than the incident: he did not want to be popular on YouTube. Not at all. He liked the personal feel of the channel, liked that he had started getting to know a few people, and was not aspiring past that. He had come to the RV community late and had spent time catching up, watching the older videos of well-known creators and then the newer ones, and he said the people in them had changed — less authentic, clickbaiting, selling. He loved the old videos. He was careful to say this was not about Carolyn, careful not to name names, careful to add that there were thousands of RVers he had never seen. But he set the standard plainly: if that ever happened to him, he had gone to the dark side, and his brain would not accept it.

He tracked the refusal back to its origin. He had not started the channel to join anything; he had not known there was anything to join. He had started it because he needed a change badly enough that it had to be dramatic, because he wanted to get closer to nature, and because in his first video he had wanted someone to know it was okay to be afraid — he had been terrified and could find no one talking about that. He was still scared, he said, and that was why he was still posting. He would not do it forever; he had already tried to quit once. Some people seemed to genuinely care about him, and he said he did not know what to think about that. It was hard for him to imagine anybody caring about him. He said he was surprised.

The Nevada trip came up next, and he described it as something he did not author. There was an impulse, an energy, something drawing him there that he did not feel fully in control of, and he said he knew that sounded weird. He reached for a frame and rejected the obvious one: he was not a spiritual person, though he had been for much of his life. He described watching Julia Sweeney's Letting Go of God and becoming agnostic from it. He described yelling up at God asking why he had been made gay, because he hated himself that much; crying himself to sleep as a teenager praying to wake up straight; coming out to a church before he came out to anyone else, at fifteen, and being told he could be straight if he wanted to be. He said he was not a big fan of religion and was not really into spirituality. Then he landed on the word he wanted, and repeated it until it held: compelled. Not spiritual, not energy. Compelled.

He said the channel was more for himself than for anyone else — that he watched his own videos over and over and that somehow they gave him strength. He said he was terrified and excited and proud of himself, that he had cut himself free of everything holding him back and did not regret it, truly did not regret it, and that what remained was fear of the unknown and the fact that everything ahead of him he had to do alone. He was grateful people were watching. He also needed it clear that he was not trying to grow an audience: he wanted to stay small, forever, because a one-sided thing was not how he worked, and he had been thinking about how to fix that — Discord had not worked, Twitter had gone to trash, Facebook was ridiculous, and there was nothing else. The recording ended where he left it open. He said he was still lost, still trying to find — and stopped himself mid-phrase, because find myself was not the right words. It was find my place. He had not found it yet. That was why he was in the RV, and he said he hoped he would.

Summary

rswfire records a late-night video from inside his camper, unable to sleep roughly four minutes before midnight, on what he counts as day 14 of RV living. Both cats, Oliver and Bailey, are on the bed with him; he notes they have settled onto his schedule after a first week spent in the cab area, and describes the bed as the most uncomfortable he has slept in despite two toppers.

He maps the logistics of a camp move happening in about a day: a required departure time, a later check-in window at the next site (possibly 5pm), an unresolved gap between them, locating propane and filling his own tanks, one stabilizer that will not come down, and 8-year-old tires he needs replaced. He states he plans to hook up the Jeep the next day to confirm he can do it.

He addresses his YouTube channel directly. Carolyn linked her subscribers to him, which brought both welcome viewers and trolls whose comments he has been deleting. He states he does not want to grow an audience or join the RV YouTube community, which he did not know existed when he started, and describes watching popular RVers become less authentic over time.

He recounts leaving religion, watching Julia Sweeney's Letting Go of God, and being told by a church at 15 he could be straight. He describes feeling compelled toward a planned Nevada trip without calling it spiritual, states he is scared and proud of himself, and says he is looking for his place.

Environment

Recorded inside a travel trailer parked at a campground, late at night — rswfire states it was roughly four minutes to midnight on day 14 of full-time RV living. He is on the bed with both cats present; Oliver on his lap, Mo beside him, and Bailey sleeping nearby and shown on camera.

The second environment is digital: his YouTube channel, where a post by Carolyn routed her subscribers — and her trolls — into his comment section. He references Discord, Twitter, and Facebook as platforms he has tested or rejected. Physical infrastructure in frame of concern: propane tanks, stabilizer jacks, eight-year-old tires, a Jeep to be hooked up as a tow.

Substrate

rswfire is holding the architecture of a self-authored break — he states he cut himself free of everything holding him back and does not regret it, while naming the operational load of a first camp-to-camp move he has no prior experience executing. The signal establishes an anti-scale ethic as a load-bearing structure: he defines authenticity as a condition he will not trade for audience, using observed drift in other creators as the negative reference standard. Underneath both is a search framed precisely — not for self, which he explicitly rejects as the wrong word, but for place, held open and unresolved.

Actions

Performed

•recording at four minutes to midnight while unable to sleep
•counting the day of the RV transition (day 14)
•showing the cats on the bed
•pausing the recording mid-transmission
•stating he does not want to be popular on YouTube
•declining to name the creators he critiques
•correcting his own word choice from 'find myself' to 'find my place'

Referenced

•moved into the RV approximately a month after the idea first entered his head
•started the YouTube channel to say it was okay to be afraid
•tried to quit the channel once
•deleted troll comments arriving from Carolyn's post
•watched older videos of popular RV YouTubers and compared them to current ones
•watched 'Letting Go of God' and states it made him agnostic
•came out to a church at 15 and was told he could be straight if he wanted
•prayed as a teenager to be made straight
•tried Discord for community and states it did not work
•took the Jeep to his house for a period
•rewatches his own videos

Planned

•move camps within about a day
•hook up the Jeep as a test run
•call the next campground about early check-in
•find propane and fill the tanks
•resolve the stabilizer that will not retract
•replace eight-year-old tires at a tire shop
•drive to Nevada as planned
•keep the channel small rather than grow an audience
•stop posting at some undetermined point

Entities

beings

Carolyn — RV YouTuber who posted a referral directing her subscribers to his channel; rswfire states her audience was welcome and explicitly excludes her from his critique

Oliver — cat, on his lap during recording

Mo — cat, on the bed during recording

Bailey — cat shown sleeping on camera; rswfire notes he does not want to disturb him

Julia Sweeney — creator of the work he cites as the turning point in his religious position

places

Nevada — destination of a planned trip he describes himself as compelled toward without a stated reason

systems

YouTube — publishing platform whose growth architecture he names as structurally opposed to the reciprocal contact he wants

Discord — attempted community platform; states it did not work

Twitter — named as degraded

Facebook — named as unusable

Jeep — tow vehicle to be hooked up ahead of the move

concepts

Pay It Forward — the transmission ethic he names for continuing to post

the dark side — his term for the drift into inauthenticity he states his brain will not accept

media

Letting Go of God — Julia Sweeney monologue he states moved him to agnosticism

Symbolic Elements

Represented archetypes or recurring motifs.

threshold

midnight

sleeplessness

the unknown

cutting free

the road

propane and tires (infrastructure of departure)

the church

the mirror (rewatching his own footage)

the dark side

place

Ontological States

Expressed modes of being or awareness.

transitional (fourteen days into a self-initiated life restructure, one day from the first unassisted camp move)

sovereign (states he cut himself free of everything holding him back and does not regret it)

unresolved-by-choice (names the search as ongoing, corrects 'find myself' to 'find my place', ends with it open)

compelled (describes a pull toward Nevada he does not attribute to himself and explicitly declines to frame as spiritual)

self-witnessing (rewatches his own recordings and states they give him strength; the channel is primarily for himself)

Engaged Subsystems

Architecture engaged in this transmission.

logistical (camp checkout windows, check-in times, propane, stabilizers, tires, tow setup)

somatic (sleeplessness, uncomfortable bed, cats occupying sleeping space, stated fear)

ethical (refusal of audience growth, refusal of monetized inauthenticity, choosing not to name names)

relational (cats as steady companions, reciprocity requirement with viewers, surprise at being cared about)

platform-critical (assessment of YouTube's structural incentives and of Discord, Twitter, Facebook as alternatives)

biographical (church coming-out at 15, prayer, shift to agnosticism, prior life left behind)

transmission (stated purpose: making fear speakable for someone who may need it later)

Dominant Language

Core motifs or linguistic fields.

scared / terrified / fear of the unknown

authentic / not authentic

I don't want to grow an audience

compelled

I cut myself free

find my place, not find myself

I did this for me

Narrative

Mirror

It is four minutes to midnight, day fourteen, and you are awake on a bed you say is the most uncomfortable you have ever slept in, with two bed toppers on it and two cats occupying the space you would otherwise use. Oliver is on your lap. Mo is beside you. Bailey is sleeping nearby and you say you don't want to disturb him. You are angled between animals, not sleeping, recording. You note that the cats have shifted onto your schedule since the first week, when they stayed in the cab watching the windows. You register that as good.

The logistical subsystem is running at full load and running out loud. Checkout time here, check-in time there, and a gap between them you have no plan for. Propane you may have to fill yourself with no attendant. A stabilizer that won't come down and a second one you are already anticipating won't come up. Tires eight years old that need replacing and a shop you haven't located. A Jeep you plan to hook up tomorrow as a rehearsal, because it has been away and you want to confirm you still have every part you need. You say you do not have the experience. You say it feels hard. You name each of these as a discrete unsolved object rather than a general condition, and you do not resolve any of them in this recording.

The ethical subsystem activates the moment Carolyn's post enters the frame. Her subscribers arrived and her trolls arrived with them, and you have been deleting comments. You state you could get really angry if you stopped to think about it, and you note that you were just about to. Then you route away from anger and into the position itself: you do not want to be popular, you do not want to grow an audience, you want to stay small forever. You describe watching the early videos of established RV creators and then their current ones and seeing different people — less authentic, clickbaiting, selling. You decline to name them. You define the line in absolute terms — your brain will not accept that outcome — and you attach a name to crossing it: the dark side. You add a disclaimer about how much you haven't seen.

Fear is present and named repeatedly, in your own words: scared, terrified, fear of the unknown. It is not framed as an obstacle to the move. It is framed as the reason the channel exists — you say you started it because you were terrified and could not find anyone talking about that. You state the transmission purpose directly and then place it in an undefined future: someone, someday, who needs to see it. You also state the channel is primarily for you, that you rewatch your own recordings repeatedly, and that this gives you strength. Alongside that, you state you are surprised that people care, that it is hard for you to imagine, and that you don't know what to think about it. You say the exchange cannot be one-sided and that you have been assessing where else it could live — Discord tried and failed, Twitter gone, Facebook ridiculous, nothing left.

Nevada enters as a pull you attribute to something outside yourself. You describe an impulse, an energy, a drawing, and say you do not feel fully in control of it. Then you correct the frame twice: not spiritual, not energy — compelled. That is the word you select. You route immediately from there into the church at fifteen, coming out to it before anyone else, being told you could be straight if you wanted to be, praying to be made straight in the morning, crying yourself to sleep, yelling upward asking why. You name Letting Go of God and Julia Sweeney as the point of shift to agnostic. You state you are not a fan of religion and not into spirituality. The compulsion stays in the signal with no explanation attached and no explanation sought.

You say you cut yourself free of everything that was holding you back, that you did it somewhat impulsively because you needed a change that badly, that it had to be profound and dramatic, and that you do not regret it. You say you are proud of yourself. You end reaching for a phrase, rejecting it, and replacing it: not find myself — you say that isn't right — but find my place. You say you haven't found it, that this is why you are in the RV, and that you hope you find it. The signal closes there. No arrival is claimed, no timeline is set, and you state plainly that you will not do this forever.

Queryable Personhood

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Recording Late-Night Before Camp Move, Day 14

Energetic Quality

Journey Phase

Directional Vector

Tags

Summary

Environment

Substrate

Actions

Performed

Referenced

Planned

Entities

Symbolic Elements

Ontological States

Engaged Subsystems

Dominant Language

Hand your life to anything that reads.