Preparing Travel Day With Cats and Tapering Plan

01HWAZ6NK0HQ024PAMXKJX30GZ

PUBLIC

April 25, 2024 rswfire PUBLISHED

Temp 0.30

Density 0.80

Energetic Quality

unguarded, low-tempo candor

Journey Phase

transitional — mid-relocation, systems being tested

Directional Vector

toward a chosen unfamiliar life, away from avoidance patterns and pharmaceutical dependence

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Chapters

Transcript

[0:01] good morning guys I got the sun behind

[0:04] me

[0:06] hopefully hopefully you'll be able you

[0:08] know it's a decent picture you know just

[0:12] blocking it still waking up I'm having

[0:16] trouble waking up today for some

[0:18] reason cats are really getting on my

[0:21] nerves today I'm just going to roll some

[0:23] cigarettes out

[0:25] here um when they started putting they

[0:28] started making the filter fire safe

[0:31] putting fire retardant in

[0:34] them you know I started rowing my own I

[0:37] just didn't like it and I mean smoking

[0:40] is bad enough as it is and then they add

[0:41] a fire

[0:43] retardant no thank you so I'm rolling my

[0:46] cigarettes for the day it's a messy I do

[0:49] it

[0:51] outside

[0:53] um cats one out they don't have their

[0:56] stuff it's a travel day you

[0:58] know they don't understand

[1:02] that really not sure what to expect from

[1:06] them um don't think this will be easy

[1:09] for them which means it won't be easy

[1:11] for me cuz they can be very

[1:15] stressful um it's kind of a test because

[1:19] you know I've never moved it with all my

[1:21] stuff in there like this um the baskets

[1:24] up on the ceiling sort of and don't know

[1:27] how it's going to go

[1:30] so I got to keep them in their carriers

[1:31] and they're going to hate

[1:33] that you know and they don't understand

[1:36] so they just think I'm torturing

[1:39] [Music]

[1:41] them and I'm just trying to keep them

[1:43] safe you know it is like raising

[1:45] children I guess I see it just feels

[1:48] that way all the time with these

[1:51] two you know it's not a bad thing it's

[1:56] just complaining today guys I I'm

[1:58] actually not in a good mood today I

[2:00] don't know I'm just not so someone had

[2:03] suggested I take St John's wart because

[2:05] of withdrawal and I started taking it

[2:07] and I'm wondering if maybe I shouldn't

[2:09] be maybe it's affecting my

[2:11] mood um I took it this morning too and

[2:14] when I took it I'm like maybe I

[2:16] shouldn't be taking this stuff like

[2:18] maybe it's not for

[2:20] me um but I am not going through a draw

[2:24] the moment kind of up to my what I was

[2:27] taking and cuz I knew I had to move

[2:31] and um you know I didn't want to be

[2:34] going through that while I'm trying to

[2:36] navigate all this stuff when I get to

[2:38] the campground though I'm dumping my

[2:40] pills and for the next week that I'm

[2:43] there I don't know how long it will take

[2:45] but from that moment on I'm going to be

[2:48] going through true withdrawal like cold

[2:51] turkey I'm just going to dump my pills

[2:53] just going to be done with

[2:55] them so you might not hear from me for a

[2:58] few days cuz I'm matching it's not going

[3:01] to be fun fun for

[3:04] me but I'll get through it and then

[3:07] hopefully life gets

[3:09] better been wanting to get off them for

[3:11] years I don't you know they are

[3:14] addictive they are they're

[3:17] opiates

[3:19] and they helped

[3:22] me until they stop topping me you know

[3:25] that's what they're like and I don't

[3:28] want to I just I don't want to take that

[3:30] was one of the reasons I wanted to do I

[3:32] had a lot of reasons for wanting to do

[3:33] that you know it's kind of like you wear

[3:34] the pros and cons of things and I

[3:37] imagine a different life doing this and

[3:40] I'm following through on that so kind of

[3:44] thinking

[3:45] about how I'm going to handle today I've

[3:48] got like 5 hours before I need to be out

[3:50] of

[3:51] here um I need to drain my

[3:54] tanks um I think that's going to be real

[3:56] hard with my cats so

[4:00] I'm just not sure how to handle this I'm

[4:02] going to have to bring in the slide you

[4:05] know the cats will need to be in their

[4:08] carriers and then I just drive down

[4:10] there drain my tanks with them in the

[4:12] carriers and I come back cook up my

[4:14] Jeep um guess I let them roam around in

[4:17] there with the slide in guess that's the

[4:20] approach I'll take they're not going to

[4:23] understand any of this I hope they get

[4:24] used to

[4:26] it they're being monsters this morning

[4:32] um so it feels like my Channel's picked

[4:35] up a little bit like people are

[4:37] commenting a lot more I really

[4:38] appreciate that I

[4:40] do um a lot of opinions that's for sure

[4:43] and I'm just trying

[4:45] to I am the kind of person who's

[4:47] susceptible to other people's opinions I

[4:49] have to be real careful about

[4:51] that

[4:54] um

[4:58] so part I don't know I'm really

[5:00] struggleing with this guys I'm

[5:01] struggling with all of it I just am you

[5:04] know I'm going to be honest with you

[5:05] it's not this is not easy for me none of

[5:08] this is easy for me this isn't natural

[5:11] for me this isn't my this

[5:14] isn't

[5:17] like my instincts don't work this way

[5:19] like I

[5:20] just I'm I'm pushing myself outside my

[5:23] comfort zone every single moment of the

[5:25] day it feels like lately and I just

[5:28] um you know I'm doing this because I

[5:30] want to do it it's just that it's

[5:32] there's it's not natural to me like my

[5:35] impulse is to do the opposite I like to

[5:38] cut myself off from

[5:40] people

[5:42] and if you know if they've wronged me in

[5:44] some way that's how I tend to handle

[5:46] conflict is I just cut people off I

[5:49] think I learned that from my

[5:51] upbringing I'm I'm guessing I honestly

[5:54] don't know on that one um

[6:01] like I avoid conflict at all cost I will

[6:04] avoid conflict I'll do anything that I

[6:06] have to do to avoid

[6:09] it

[6:10] um but I just I'm finding that that's

[6:13] not a good way to live I don't feel like

[6:15] it's done me any favors so I'm trying to

[6:18] trying to live different and it's hard

[6:21] but I'm doing it I'm nervous today about

[6:24] this

[6:27] um drive it's not a long way though it's

[6:30] only an hour I guess it's not so much

[6:32] the drive I'm nervous about cuz it isn't

[6:34] very

[6:35] long just you know I'm navigating all

[6:38] new situation I've never done this I'm

[6:40] by myself like it's it's easier for some

[6:44] people than others I think I don't know

[6:46] I really don't know I'm don't want to

[6:49] make

[6:51] assumptions sometimes I wish that there

[6:53] was someone I could just talk to that

[6:55] has been through all of this and on

[6:57] their own and just get their perspective

[7:01] like was this hard for

[7:03] them you know was it challenging did

[7:07] they feel like I'm feeling right now or

[7:08] was it easy you know is it just me

[7:16] um at the end of the day I guess it

[7:18] doesn't matter because you know I just

[7:21] have to get through it I'm going to do

[7:23] it

[7:24] somehow this is a very different life

[7:26] guys I not going to sugarcoat it for you

[7:29] in the Sun this channel I will never do

[7:30] that it is not all good it is not living

[7:35] in a tiny space like that is hard very

[7:38] hard especially when you have cats or

[7:41] any kind of pet I would imagine but

[7:43] these cats man it's difficult like

[7:47] Bailey was up near my head when we were

[7:49] sleeping

[7:51] and M was down at the bottom of the bad

[7:54] like there just you know it's a small

[7:57] space for all of us

[8:00] there's nowhere for your stuff you can't

[8:01] have a lot of stuff like I had to get

[8:03] rid of all my books

[8:05] and you know things that I loved um but

[8:09] I chose this you know so I don't want to

[8:12] sound like I'm complaining I just want

[8:14] to be real with you this is

[8:17] not I gave up a lot to do this and I

[8:20] guess now I'm wondering if it was worth

[8:22] it I did not know I was going to tell

[8:24] you that I didn't know I was thinking

[8:28] it um

[8:31] I think it was worth it honestly God I

[8:33] do so it's not like a strong feeling I

[8:36] have

[8:37] but I don't know is it self-doubt

[8:41] maybe I don't think so in this case

[8:43] because I'm not really doubting myself

[8:46] and this experience is just different I

[8:49] don't know how I feel about it I mean

[8:51] showering is

[8:53] different um taking care of yourself was

[8:57] already hard for me I can't like here

[8:59] that's going to be real hard like it's a

[9:01] small

[9:02] bathroom um I haven't taken great care

[9:04] of myself since I got here I'm just

[9:06] going to be honest about it um I think

[9:08] that's pretty obvious really probably

[9:11] show twice

[9:13] guys um and like the last week or

[9:17] something

[9:19] just you know and I always wanted to

[9:22] like take better care of my face and

[9:24] stuff and you know I actually I don't

[9:26] know if you've seen it like like I'm not

[9:28] hitting anything from you guys but I

[9:29] also hav't like pointed stuff out like

[9:31] there's this list I have of hygiene

[9:33] tasks um you might have seen it in one

[9:35] of my videos sometime you know and I'm

[9:37] not doing that and I want to I was I

[9:40] made it when I was at home it feels way

[9:43] harder to do here in a

[9:46] camper I just got to figure it

[9:48] out

[9:51] um if you just do more things outdoors

[9:54] like I am right now it's a little bit

[9:56] cold but it's also nice it's real nice

[9:58] out

[10:01] my cats are not happy but I can't deal

[10:03] with that right

[10:07] now

[10:10] yeah I don't know we're pretty close to

[10:13] being ready to go it's not a whole lot

[10:15] that I need to do

[10:17] really as far as packing up and stuff

[10:20] and bring the slide in and see how

[10:22] things are going should check my tires

[10:25] see how they're doing on air um the ones

[10:28] that I can I think I'm trying to bust

[10:30] out the

[10:31] door

[10:34] wow

[10:37] wow yeah it's challenging with these two

[10:41] these are not like other cats that I've

[10:43] had in my life and I've had a bunch

[10:45] these cats are different they

[10:48] are I don't know what they are

[10:55] different so

[10:59] what is this working doing

[11:03] anyway I why you I don't understand

[11:05] people come back here in a vehicle and

[11:07] then just what are they doing back here

[11:10] this is a campground it's not the

[11:13] park what are they

[11:18] doing so someone today told me I should

[11:20] be safe um not say where I'm at but and

[11:25] I debated it I just don't see the point

[11:27] it's not like it would be hard to figure

[11:29] out out right

[11:31] so um what's the point really if

[11:34] something happens to me at least at

[11:36] least it happened to me doing what I

[11:39] trying to do something that I think I

[11:40] will

[11:41] love that's how I'm looking at that so

[11:44] don't worry about me guys I'll be

[11:46] fine probably if I'm not I'm not you

[11:50] know I've had a long life I'm okay with

[11:54] I'm okay with you know whatever

[11:56] happens I think

[11:59] [Music]

[12:01] um me I feel like they're back here

[12:03] stealing firewood I think that's what

[12:05] they're

[12:06] doing oh

[12:13] funny I'm by myself I do like that part

[12:16] feels

[12:21] nice I wonder what this next place will

[12:23] be

[12:24] like I'm on a group site and I'll be

[12:26] right on the beach I think that's going

[12:27] to be interesting I bet it makes it

[12:29] colder

[12:31] though um I have recorded some other

[12:34] videos this morning and maybe I'll clip

[12:37] them together at the end it was a rough

[12:40] morning for

[12:42] me it was it still

[12:46] is but I guess I'm struggling

[12:51] with adapting to this new life it's

[12:56] different but it wouldn't be better for

[12:59] me to be in the house it wouldn't be

[13:01] better like and it's like okay so what

[13:04] am

[13:06] I have I still not figured out where I

[13:08] need to be like I don't

[13:12] know I had to try something new I had

[13:16] to um and it's probably too soon for me

[13:19] to be judging it so I shouldn't be doing

[13:22] that and I should be open-minded also

[13:26] like trying

[13:33] um wait for these guys to go

[13:38] by you steing

[13:42] firewood

[13:47] um feels like it's going to be a nice

[13:52] day

[13:55] does so my follow account has been

[13:58] fluctuating I'm bringing this up for a

[14:01] reason and I totally get it cuz the way

[14:03] I've been talking about YouTube and you

[14:07] know

[14:09] um guys I'm so complicated like I'm

[14:12] complicated to myself like I have a very

[14:14] hard time sometimes understanding my own

[14:17] motivations and it takes me a while to

[14:20] process it all and what I'm doing I'm

[14:22] processing stuff with you guys I

[14:24] normally wouldn't do that so I need you

[14:26] to just try to be patient with me cuz

[14:29] eventually it becomes clear you can't

[14:31] assume that everything I say to you is

[14:33] like the final word on something

[14:36] um it's a process for me like I'm

[14:38] learning to I'm just this is just my

[14:42] process I don't want to keep saying the

[14:44] same word it's like this is how I

[14:45] process the world though this is

[14:48] how um I learn to understand how I feel

[14:52] about

[14:53] something if I if it comes down to

[14:55] emotions and feelings

[14:57] then it's not straight straightforward

[14:59] for me it never is there are layers to

[15:05] it

[15:08] okay you know I mean yeah part of me

[15:10] would love to have like a strong

[15:12] following on YouTube and maybe even make

[15:14] some money on here but I don't think

[15:16] that that's the biggest part of me by

[15:18] far

[15:19] because the negative side of that would

[15:22] really not make me happy at

[15:25] all so um and also you know people

[15:29] coming it just you feel a little bit

[15:30] judged I it's hard not to right so

[15:35] um someone unsubscribed from you it's

[15:38] like they're rejecting you and I've have

[15:40] a problem with that I've been abandoned

[15:42] in my life many times and I've been

[15:45] rejected many times like it's so you

[15:49] know that's there it is that's that's

[15:53] what I was trying to get at and finally

[15:55] see came out takes

[15:57] time um

[16:00] nobody wants to be

[16:02] rejected also I shouldn't care though

[16:04] because I mean it's literally someone

[16:06] I've never met don't even know who it is

[16:13] right oh man the birds this

[16:17] morning I don't know why I don't like

[16:19] birds just

[16:23] don't I've never liked Birds I didn't

[16:26] even really realized that but I don't

[16:28] think I've ever liked birds in my whole

[16:30] life I never understood bird watchers

[16:32] I'll tell you that much I'll get the

[16:36] point they used to be dinosaurs right is

[16:39] that true of all birds I don't

[16:43] know

[16:45] um I wonder why I never liked

[16:48] Birds it's

[16:53] interesting um part of me wanted to go

[16:56] hiking this morning I thought about it

[16:59] um I don't you know I don't know where

[17:00] the trails are but I don't think I

[17:02] really have time like I should have

[17:03] planned it better

[17:06] but um soon I think I'll leave it there

[17:11] down to my my last cigarette I'm rolling

[17:13] and then I'll just compile all this

[17:15] stuff together I'm not I'm not censoring

[17:19] myself guys I'm going to be myself on

[17:21] here at any cost

[17:24] so um you know there's been a few

[17:26] comments about that I'm not I'm not

[17:28] censoring myself

[17:30] I'm not going to either

[17:33] um I don't expect everyone to like me

[17:36] because that's not my experience in life

[17:38] I am the kind of person you either like

[17:40] or don't like so there's usually not a

[17:43] middle ground with

[17:45] me um and I'm okay with that like I'm

[17:48] going to be myself I want to be myself

[17:51] and I actually think it's awesome that

[17:53] there now there's like 120 people who

[17:57] seem seem to be okay with who I am right

[18:00] so I'm pretty happy about

[18:04] that

[18:06] um we see if it lasts you know see if it

[18:11] lasts CU you know I have strong opinions

[18:14] about

[18:16] everything I not going to share all of

[18:18] them with you because I don't see the

[18:22] point um it doesn't change Minds that's

[18:25] one of the things that um you know

[18:28] learned in life is that it's just kind

[18:30] of pointless um you're not going to

[18:32] change Minds in this world you're just

[18:34] not so don't it's there's no point at

[18:36] even

[18:38] trying just find your people and stick

[18:41] with them if you

[18:43] can talking to how I look at

[18:46] it and for me that's been a very small

[18:49] group of people for a long time

[18:51] and

[18:55] um I don't know I'm lonely guys I am I'm

[19:00] lonely I needed a

[19:01] [Music]

[19:03] change so I'm trying I want to be

[19:06] different I want a different life I want

[19:08] to be happy I mean that's what everybody

[19:10] wants right

[19:13] so hoping for it I'm trying hope you

[19:17] guys have a good day next time you hear

[19:18] from me we are definitely going to be in

[19:20] Tennessee

[19:22] bye it is 6:00 in the morning there are

[19:27] birds out there that do not know how to

[19:29] be quiet oh my

[19:33] God hi

[19:36] Oliver maybe I guess we're getting um

[19:38] those freaking Birds was that shut

[19:42] up there is one out there that is so

[19:45] annoying I would drinkle the

[19:47] thing oh my God

[19:59] I mean I should have known right totally

[20:01] on

[20:07] me I guess we're getting up we have a

[20:10] big day

[20:14] today

[20:16] wow maybe I don't hear him when my fan

[20:19] is on I couldn't use my fan cuz I didn't

[20:21] have my

[20:22] cable for some reason these batteries do

[20:24] not hold up

[20:29] oh that bird had a a noise on it I oh my

[20:34] God

[20:36] yeah good morning I need coffee so

[20:40] bad which is you

[20:42] know like 3 feet from me so I don't have

[20:46] an

[20:47] excuse oh my God I'm nervous this

[20:52] morning I wish I wasn't but I am so I'm

[20:55] just going to say it

[20:59] still it's going to be a fun

[21:04] day I hope I definitely need coffee I'll

[21:08] be back coffee maker on and BW a

[21:12] fuse oh my

[21:14] God had to dig

[21:20] my I don't understand this is not

[21:24] happened

[21:26] yesterday o it is cold out I my

[21:31] shorts oh it's freezing out oh those

[21:35] freaking Birds

[21:38] man I never stop oh my God this thing

[21:41] takes like 2 minutes to start

[21:44] up hold

[21:46] on it say I have

[21:52] power say I have power no I'm very

[21:56] confused but I blew a fuse inside

[22:01] somewhere oh

[22:04] yeah oh that would not be

[22:08] good

[22:10] dang wow you cats are something else

[22:15] man guys chill I got to figure this out

[22:18] oh that wasn't so

[22:20] bad one of the kinds that you switch at

[22:23] least thought you know it was the other

[22:25] kind where you had to replace it so I

[22:28] only

[22:29] have 15 something whatever 15

[22:34] is this has been working forever what

[22:37] why did this

[22:40] happen I turn my my my PlayStation got

[22:44] plugged in but I not using

[22:48] it I need this

[22:50] heater so

[22:55] confusing which one was it

[22:59] 15

[23:02] amps whatever it happened

[23:06] again all

[23:08] right

[23:13] 30 it just as

[23:16] refer would have thought that meant the

[23:18] fridge but it doesn't

[23:21] apparently all of a sudden you hate my

[23:24] heater it's

[23:26] freezing wow

[23:29] give me a minute I mean I knew it was

[23:31] too good to be true I got stuff pugged

[23:33] in all over the

[23:36] place and I did notice those lights came

[23:39] on so even the plugs over there they're

[23:41] all on the same

[23:43] circuit

[23:44] [Music]

[23:46] man wait a minute this only happened

[23:49] when I turned my coffee maker on I only

[23:50] need that once a

[23:54] day just figured I'll just I guess I

[23:57] make coffee and the cold we're making

[24:01] coffee I

[24:03] think it's so cold in here can't

[24:07] remember if my computer was on when I

[24:09] made coffee yesterday I think so however

[24:13] you make this very you make everything

[24:15] difficult you really do

[24:18] man oh you have to be at the center of

[24:21] everything don't you come on come

[24:24] on don't trust you you're going to Snee

[24:26] in my coffee

[24:30] I need

[24:33] coffee really need

[24:43] coffee I bought all this like manual

[24:47] coffee making stuff I have to learn how

[24:49] to use it

[24:51] probably I didn't think I could get away

[24:53] with this thing

[24:55] so I was prepared to not me

[25:00] wonder why the fuse blew

[25:02] though I mean I know why I get why it

[25:05] happens but it didn't happen

[25:07] yesterday so why it

[25:13] Ain oh I love coffee in the morning

[25:34] it's so weird to make coffee like

[25:42] this I was thinking about it

[25:46] yesterday you know I've been making

[25:48] coffee in that thing for years and I

[25:50] never once thought to myself what if it

[25:52] doesn't work

[25:53] today and like I think that way in my

[25:56] camper and it's like

[25:58] shouldn't be like that guys like the

[26:01] manufacturer should be better because it

[26:04] shouldn't be like that that's crazy

[26:06] these things are

[26:08] expensive I know everybody gets behind

[26:10] this whole well there are tiny

[26:12] earthquakes going down the road and all

[26:14] that and it's like well yeah so what

[26:18] it's not like they can't plan for

[26:21] that

[26:25] so seriously that's messed up to me

[26:28] there's no reason they can't make them

[26:30] so that they work like my coffee

[26:34] maker that's how I think of it

[26:38] anyway that's

[26:41] my coffee's ready I'm not ready to get

[26:44] out of bed it's too early it's

[26:52] cold it's very early it's like 6:00 in

[26:55] the morning it's too early those birds

[26:58] man

[26:59] been here for two

[27:01] weeks are they migrating right now and

[27:04] are those sex noises they're making they

[27:09] are it's spring I

[27:12] think oh my God it's too early for

[27:21] this God for

[27:23] coffee

[27:24] um yeah my coffee is pretty simple it's

[27:27] just like some chocolate powder and then

[27:31] two of those things of

[27:34] coffee and some milk that's it that's

[27:37] one water and that's it that's my

[27:44] coffee way cheaper than the Starbucks

[27:46] habit I had once upon a time oh my God

[27:49] that place is expensive

[27:51] now well it always was but it sure seems

[27:55] like they know how to outdo themselves

[27:57] doesn't it

[28:00] so yeah I don't like I don't like going

[28:02] to Starbucks I think it's just a true

[28:05] waste of money those people are just

[28:08] like taking way advantage of us coffee

[28:18] drinkers I saw a flea in here last night

[28:22] I was not happy oh my God I was not

[28:32] I gave both of them their flea

[28:33] treatments the day

[28:36] before I hadn't been giving them to them

[28:38] since you know for a while a long time

[28:40] really because there's no real reason to

[28:43] but you know I hope that was soon enough

[28:47] what will I do I'm not even going to

[28:49] think about it

[28:51] I saw one flea and spent the next many

[28:54] many hours thinking there were fleas on

[28:56] me like it's just not

[28:58] fun that was not

[29:03] fun I am being super observant to little

[29:06] black dots everywhere I tell you that

[29:11] much I what would you do you can't

[29:13] really bomb this place you'd be bombing

[29:17] all your

[29:19] stuff I don't even I just don't

[29:24] know oh man it's it early in the morning

[29:30] so it's very likely I don't need like

[29:32] gas fuel

[29:35] today but I should stop anyways just for

[29:38] the

[29:40] practice and maybe they'll have propane

[29:42] there and I'll figure it out I'm just

[29:44] going to I'll ask the attendant I mean

[29:47] I'm not the first person to go through

[29:49] this

[29:50] so you

[29:52] know all guide wonder why there's an L

[29:56] on there what does the L mean

[30:01] oh there's no R there is an R what why

[30:06] would they put that in a

[30:11] cup I don't get that that's

[30:15] weird you like this cup

[30:31] just feel tired

[30:33] today so this is where we're going I

[30:36] mean not today but that's where we're

[30:38] heading

[30:39] to not going to lie that don't look so

[30:42] pretty to me that's that why I'm going

[30:47] there I don't know those mountains are

[30:49] different than the ones in Phoenix or in

[30:51] Arizona like Northeastern Arizona

[30:56] they're something about those those ones

[30:58] odd me these ones look like Rocky

[31:01] Mountains and they

[31:03] look different

[31:08] somehow wait a minute when they were

[31:11] saying the Bristol cone Pines were like

[31:13] there and they're the oldest things or

[31:15] whatever I'm thinking of little pine

[31:17] cones I wasn't thinking of trees that

[31:20] pretty I picked a good

[31:24] place guess I'm going to have to look up

[31:26] what a vault toilet is

[31:28] I don't know what that

[31:33] means of course I'm not really I don't

[31:36] know yeah I want to go boondocking I

[31:39] have to learn somewhere this is the

[31:41] place to learn I hope there's lots of

[31:43] trees like this and they're not just

[31:45] scattered all by themselves I I want to

[31:48] see lots of

[31:50] trees like that I sure wish I was in

[31:53] better shape so I could climb that

[31:58] maybe I can get in shape on the way

[32:00] there I'm just going to stay somewhere

[32:02] you know like two nights everywhere

[32:05] maybe that second day I go hiking

[32:07] somewhere every where I'm at I should

[32:09] make that a

[32:11] goal 8.6 miles that's not a

[32:15] lot an intense elevation

[32:19] gain strong

[32:21] lungs does that include

[32:23] smokers determination and prudent

[32:26] judgment

[32:28] what are they trying to

[32:30] say well apparently there's some kind of

[32:33] a trail or something where you can go

[32:36] see a dead

[32:38] tree I mean if it's dead

[32:42] like what and how do they know when it

[32:46] died and then there's one that's 3,000

[32:48] years old

[32:51] maybe unmarked trunk of what might be

[32:54] among the oldest trees in the world

[32:56] nearly 5,000 year old Prometheus lies

[32:59] farther off the

[33:01] trail it was cut

[33:03] down by a graduate

[33:06] student oh my God I'm

[33:12] outraged

[33:14] wow well look at that that's a pretty

[33:17] big

[33:18] place I picked a good

[33:21] place could spend some time here

[33:27] it's up real high so it's probably going

[33:29] to be

[33:34] [Music]

[33:36] colder a lot of

[33:38] [Music]

[33:42] canyons big Visitor

[33:43] [Music]

[33:48] Center there's a

[33:51] Grove couple of them well that's where

[33:54] we're going for sure

[33:59] yep and to do some

[34:02] stargazing sorry I really don't like

[34:04] smoking around you

[34:08] guys I'm going to quit one day I swear

[34:10] to God I will I bet every smoke in the

[34:12] world says

[34:16] that but some of them do one thing my

[34:18] doctor told me that stuck with me he

[34:21] says there's more ex smokers now than

[34:24] smokers like wow

[34:28] oh man I don't know why I'm nervous

[34:30] today I shouldn't

[34:33] be I'm not happy about that I don't want

[34:36] to be

[34:39] nervous you know what I'm going to

[34:41] dredge up the same courage I had that

[34:43] first time two weeks ago we're doing

[34:50] this I not even far I mean we're only

[34:52] driving an hour away that's not even far

[34:59] and I'm going to get way more level this

[35:01] time like that is a

[35:03] goal I will pull this slide in and out

[35:06] however many times I have to until I

[35:08] figure out what you know level is with

[35:11] it open and

[35:12] then um you know I have this you've

[35:16] probably seen it I wonder if I lost it

[35:18] it must be somewhere it's not up I know

[35:21] it's not up there um you have I have

[35:24] this thing that you just put on the wall

[35:26] and it will tell you when you're using

[35:28] an app but it only works after you've

[35:32] set it like you have to tell it

[35:35] what what's level for you before it will

[35:38] work

[35:40] so have to do that if I can get

[35:43] level and then find that thing

[35:47] and you know tell it then I can use that

[35:50] from now on make it

[35:52] easier but yeah you know I'm not level

[35:56] because as soon as I pulled my slides

[35:59] out suddenly I wasn't level

[36:02] anymore so this time I'm I'm learning

[36:04] from my experiences for

[36:11] sure I'm just tired I don't know why I

[36:15] don't know how much I

[36:16] slept but I took a nap

[36:20] yesterday with the cat Bailey sted right

[36:23] on my chest and he put his little face

[36:25] up here like he like when was a baby it

[36:28] was so cute he hadn't done that in a

[36:30] long

[36:32] time oh when day I'll pull out those

[36:35] videos for you guys he was so

[36:37] cute I remember making a video Once

[36:40] where he was doing that and it's like I

[36:43] hope he does that

[36:45] forever then he got older and he's so

[36:47] big and heavy like oh no no no I

[36:51] couldn't

[36:52] like oh he's a big cat what was nice m

[36:59] is all it's C forur he got a lot of

[37:07] it yeah I mean I don't even have to

[37:10] leave here till one I guess so I have

[37:14] time just relax for a minute

[0:01] good morning guys I got the sun behind

[0:04] me

[0:06] hopefully hopefully you'll be able you

[0:08] know it's a decent picture you know just

[0:12] blocking it still waking up I'm having

[0:16] trouble waking up today for some

[0:18] reason cats are really getting on my

[0:21] nerves today I'm just going to roll some

[0:23] cigarettes out

[0:25] here um when they started putting they

[0:28] started making the filter fire safe

[0:31] putting fire retardant in

[0:34] them you know I started rowing my own I

[0:37] just didn't like it and I mean smoking

[0:40] is bad enough as it is and then they add

[0:41] a fire

[0:43] retardant no thank you so I'm rolling my

[0:46] cigarettes for the day it's a messy I do

[0:49] it

[0:51] outside

[0:53] um cats one out they don't have their

[0:56] stuff it's a travel day you

[0:58] know they don't understand

[1:02] that really not sure what to expect from

[1:06] them um don't think this will be easy

[1:09] for them which means it won't be easy

[1:11] for me cuz they can be very

[1:15] stressful um it's kind of a test because

[1:19] you know I've never moved it with all my

[1:21] stuff in there like this um the baskets

[1:24] up on the ceiling sort of and don't know

[1:27] how it's going to go

[1:30] so I got to keep them in their carriers

[1:31] and they're going to hate

[1:33] that you know and they don't understand

[1:36] so they just think I'm torturing

[1:39] [Music]

[1:41] them and I'm just trying to keep them

[1:43] safe you know it is like raising

[1:45] children I guess I see it just feels

[1:48] that way all the time with these

[1:51] two you know it's not a bad thing it's

[1:56] just complaining today guys I I'm

[1:58] actually not in a good mood today I

[2:00] don't know I'm just not so someone had

[2:03] suggested I take St John's wart because

[2:05] of withdrawal and I started taking it

[2:07] and I'm wondering if maybe I shouldn't

[2:09] be maybe it's affecting my

[2:11] mood um I took it this morning too and

[2:14] when I took it I'm like maybe I

[2:16] shouldn't be taking this stuff like

[2:18] maybe it's not for

[2:20] me um but I am not going through a draw

[2:24] the moment kind of up to my what I was

[2:27] taking and cuz I knew I had to move

[2:31] and um you know I didn't want to be

[2:34] going through that while I'm trying to

[2:36] navigate all this stuff when I get to

[2:38] the campground though I'm dumping my

[2:40] pills and for the next week that I'm

[2:43] there I don't know how long it will take

[2:45] but from that moment on I'm going to be

[2:48] going through true withdrawal like cold

[2:51] turkey I'm just going to dump my pills

[2:53] just going to be done with

[2:55] them so you might not hear from me for a

[2:58] few days cuz I'm matching it's not going

[3:01] to be fun fun for

[3:04] me but I'll get through it and then

[3:07] hopefully life gets

[3:09] better been wanting to get off them for

[3:11] years I don't you know they are

[3:14] addictive they are they're

[3:17] opiates

[3:19] and they helped

[3:22] me until they stop topping me you know

[3:25] that's what they're like and I don't

[3:28] want to I just I don't want to take that

[3:30] was one of the reasons I wanted to do I

[3:32] had a lot of reasons for wanting to do

[3:33] that you know it's kind of like you wear

[3:34] the pros and cons of things and I

[3:37] imagine a different life doing this and

[3:40] I'm following through on that so kind of

[3:44] thinking

[3:45] about how I'm going to handle today I've

[3:48] got like 5 hours before I need to be out

[3:50] of

[3:51] here um I need to drain my

[3:54] tanks um I think that's going to be real

[3:56] hard with my cats so

[4:00] I'm just not sure how to handle this I'm

[4:02] going to have to bring in the slide you

[4:05] know the cats will need to be in their

[4:08] carriers and then I just drive down

[4:10] there drain my tanks with them in the

[4:12] carriers and I come back cook up my

[4:14] Jeep um guess I let them roam around in

[4:17] there with the slide in guess that's the

[4:20] approach I'll take they're not going to

[4:23] understand any of this I hope they get

[4:24] used to

[4:26] it they're being monsters this morning

[4:32] um so it feels like my Channel's picked

[4:35] up a little bit like people are

[4:37] commenting a lot more I really

[4:38] appreciate that I

[4:40] do um a lot of opinions that's for sure

[4:43] and I'm just trying

[4:45] to I am the kind of person who's

[4:47] susceptible to other people's opinions I

[4:49] have to be real careful about

[4:51] that

[4:54] um

[4:58] so part I don't know I'm really

[5:00] struggleing with this guys I'm

[5:01] struggling with all of it I just am you

[5:04] know I'm going to be honest with you

[5:05] it's not this is not easy for me none of

[5:08] this is easy for me this isn't natural

[5:11] for me this isn't my this

[5:14] isn't

[5:17] like my instincts don't work this way

[5:19] like I

[5:20] just I'm I'm pushing myself outside my

[5:23] comfort zone every single moment of the

[5:25] day it feels like lately and I just

[5:28] um you know I'm doing this because I

[5:30] want to do it it's just that it's

[5:32] there's it's not natural to me like my

[5:35] impulse is to do the opposite I like to

[5:38] cut myself off from

[5:40] people

[5:42] and if you know if they've wronged me in

[5:44] some way that's how I tend to handle

[5:46] conflict is I just cut people off I

[5:49] think I learned that from my

[5:51] upbringing I'm I'm guessing I honestly

[5:54] don't know on that one um

[6:01] like I avoid conflict at all cost I will

[6:04] avoid conflict I'll do anything that I

[6:06] have to do to avoid

[6:09] it

[6:10] um but I just I'm finding that that's

[6:13] not a good way to live I don't feel like

[6:15] it's done me any favors so I'm trying to

[6:18] trying to live different and it's hard

[6:21] but I'm doing it I'm nervous today about

[6:24] this

[6:27] um drive it's not a long way though it's

[6:30] only an hour I guess it's not so much

[6:32] the drive I'm nervous about cuz it isn't

[6:34] very

[6:35] long just you know I'm navigating all

[6:38] new situation I've never done this I'm

[6:40] by myself like it's it's easier for some

[6:44] people than others I think I don't know

[6:46] I really don't know I'm don't want to

[6:49] make

[6:51] assumptions sometimes I wish that there

[6:53] was someone I could just talk to that

[6:55] has been through all of this and on

[6:57] their own and just get their perspective

[7:01] like was this hard for

[7:03] them you know was it challenging did

[7:07] they feel like I'm feeling right now or

[7:08] was it easy you know is it just me

[7:16] um at the end of the day I guess it

[7:18] doesn't matter because you know I just

[7:21] have to get through it I'm going to do

[7:23] it

[7:24] somehow this is a very different life

[7:26] guys I not going to sugarcoat it for you

[7:29] in the Sun this channel I will never do

[7:30] that it is not all good it is not living

[7:35] in a tiny space like that is hard very

[7:38] hard especially when you have cats or

[7:41] any kind of pet I would imagine but

[7:43] these cats man it's difficult like

[7:47] Bailey was up near my head when we were

[7:49] sleeping

[7:51] and M was down at the bottom of the bad

[7:54] like there just you know it's a small

[7:57] space for all of us

[8:00] there's nowhere for your stuff you can't

[8:01] have a lot of stuff like I had to get

[8:03] rid of all my books

[8:05] and you know things that I loved um but

[8:09] I chose this you know so I don't want to

[8:12] sound like I'm complaining I just want

[8:14] to be real with you this is

[8:17] not I gave up a lot to do this and I

[8:20] guess now I'm wondering if it was worth

[8:22] it I did not know I was going to tell

[8:24] you that I didn't know I was thinking

[8:28] it um

[8:31] I think it was worth it honestly God I

[8:33] do so it's not like a strong feeling I

[8:36] have

[8:37] but I don't know is it self-doubt

[8:41] maybe I don't think so in this case

[8:43] because I'm not really doubting myself

[8:46] and this experience is just different I

[8:49] don't know how I feel about it I mean

[8:51] showering is

[8:53] different um taking care of yourself was

[8:57] already hard for me I can't like here

[8:59] that's going to be real hard like it's a

[9:01] small

[9:02] bathroom um I haven't taken great care

[9:04] of myself since I got here I'm just

[9:06] going to be honest about it um I think

[9:08] that's pretty obvious really probably

[9:11] show twice

[9:13] guys um and like the last week or

[9:17] something

[9:19] just you know and I always wanted to

[9:22] like take better care of my face and

[9:24] stuff and you know I actually I don't

[9:26] know if you've seen it like like I'm not

[9:28] hitting anything from you guys but I

[9:29] also hav't like pointed stuff out like

[9:31] there's this list I have of hygiene

[9:33] tasks um you might have seen it in one

[9:35] of my videos sometime you know and I'm

[9:37] not doing that and I want to I was I

[9:40] made it when I was at home it feels way

[9:43] harder to do here in a

[9:46] camper I just got to figure it

[9:48] out

[9:51] um if you just do more things outdoors

[9:54] like I am right now it's a little bit

[9:56] cold but it's also nice it's real nice

[9:58] out

[10:01] my cats are not happy but I can't deal

[10:03] with that right

[10:07] now

[10:10] yeah I don't know we're pretty close to

[10:13] being ready to go it's not a whole lot

[10:15] that I need to do

[10:17] really as far as packing up and stuff

[10:20] and bring the slide in and see how

[10:22] things are going should check my tires

[10:25] see how they're doing on air um the ones

[10:28] that I can I think I'm trying to bust

[10:30] out the

[10:31] door

[10:34] wow

[10:37] wow yeah it's challenging with these two

[10:41] these are not like other cats that I've

[10:43] had in my life and I've had a bunch

[10:45] these cats are different they

[10:48] are I don't know what they are

[10:55] different so

[10:59] what is this working doing

[11:03] anyway I why you I don't understand

[11:05] people come back here in a vehicle and

[11:07] then just what are they doing back here

[11:10] this is a campground it's not the

[11:13] park what are they

[11:18] doing so someone today told me I should

[11:20] be safe um not say where I'm at but and

[11:25] I debated it I just don't see the point

[11:27] it's not like it would be hard to figure

[11:29] out out right

[11:31] so um what's the point really if

[11:34] something happens to me at least at

[11:36] least it happened to me doing what I

[11:39] trying to do something that I think I

[11:40] will

[11:41] love that's how I'm looking at that so

[11:44] don't worry about me guys I'll be

[11:46] fine probably if I'm not I'm not you

[11:50] know I've had a long life I'm okay with

[11:54] I'm okay with you know whatever

[11:56] happens I think

[11:59] [Music]

[12:01] um me I feel like they're back here

[12:03] stealing firewood I think that's what

[12:05] they're

[12:06] doing oh

[12:13] funny I'm by myself I do like that part

[12:16] feels

[12:21] nice I wonder what this next place will

[12:23] be

[12:24] like I'm on a group site and I'll be

[12:26] right on the beach I think that's going

[12:27] to be interesting I bet it makes it

[12:29] colder

[12:31] though um I have recorded some other

[12:34] videos this morning and maybe I'll clip

[12:37] them together at the end it was a rough

[12:40] morning for

[12:42] me it was it still

[12:46] is but I guess I'm struggling

[12:51] with adapting to this new life it's

[12:56] different but it wouldn't be better for

[12:59] me to be in the house it wouldn't be

[13:01] better like and it's like okay so what

[13:04] am

[13:06] I have I still not figured out where I

[13:08] need to be like I don't

[13:12] know I had to try something new I had

[13:16] to um and it's probably too soon for me

[13:19] to be judging it so I shouldn't be doing

[13:22] that and I should be open-minded also

[13:26] like trying

[13:33] um wait for these guys to go

[13:38] by you steing

[13:42] firewood

[13:47] um feels like it's going to be a nice

[13:52] day

[13:55] does so my follow account has been

[13:58] fluctuating I'm bringing this up for a

[14:01] reason and I totally get it cuz the way

[14:03] I've been talking about YouTube and you

[14:07] know

[14:09] um guys I'm so complicated like I'm

[14:12] complicated to myself like I have a very

[14:14] hard time sometimes understanding my own

[14:17] motivations and it takes me a while to

[14:20] process it all and what I'm doing I'm

[14:22] processing stuff with you guys I

[14:24] normally wouldn't do that so I need you

[14:26] to just try to be patient with me cuz

[14:29] eventually it becomes clear you can't

[14:31] assume that everything I say to you is

[14:33] like the final word on something

[14:36] um it's a process for me like I'm

[14:38] learning to I'm just this is just my

[14:42] process I don't want to keep saying the

[14:44] same word it's like this is how I

[14:45] process the world though this is

[14:48] how um I learn to understand how I feel

[14:52] about

[14:53] something if I if it comes down to

[14:55] emotions and feelings

[14:57] then it's not straight straightforward

[14:59] for me it never is there are layers to

[15:05] it

[15:08] okay you know I mean yeah part of me

[15:10] would love to have like a strong

[15:12] following on YouTube and maybe even make

[15:14] some money on here but I don't think

[15:16] that that's the biggest part of me by

[15:18] far

[15:19] because the negative side of that would

[15:22] really not make me happy at

[15:25] all so um and also you know people

[15:29] coming it just you feel a little bit

[15:30] judged I it's hard not to right so

[15:35] um someone unsubscribed from you it's

[15:38] like they're rejecting you and I've have

[15:40] a problem with that I've been abandoned

[15:42] in my life many times and I've been

[15:45] rejected many times like it's so you

[15:49] know that's there it is that's that's

[15:53] what I was trying to get at and finally

[15:55] see came out takes

[15:57] time um

[16:00] nobody wants to be

[16:02] rejected also I shouldn't care though

[16:04] because I mean it's literally someone

[16:06] I've never met don't even know who it is

[16:13] right oh man the birds this

[16:17] morning I don't know why I don't like

[16:19] birds just

[16:23] don't I've never liked Birds I didn't

[16:26] even really realized that but I don't

[16:28] think I've ever liked birds in my whole

[16:30] life I never understood bird watchers

[16:32] I'll tell you that much I'll get the

[16:36] point they used to be dinosaurs right is

[16:39] that true of all birds I don't

[16:43] know

[16:45] um I wonder why I never liked

[16:48] Birds it's

[16:53] interesting um part of me wanted to go

[16:56] hiking this morning I thought about it

[16:59] um I don't you know I don't know where

[17:00] the trails are but I don't think I

[17:02] really have time like I should have

[17:03] planned it better

[17:06] but um soon I think I'll leave it there

[17:11] down to my my last cigarette I'm rolling

[17:13] and then I'll just compile all this

[17:15] stuff together I'm not I'm not censoring

[17:19] myself guys I'm going to be myself on

[17:21] here at any cost

[17:24] so um you know there's been a few

[17:26] comments about that I'm not I'm not

[17:28] censoring myself

[17:30] I'm not going to either

[17:33] um I don't expect everyone to like me

[17:36] because that's not my experience in life

[17:38] I am the kind of person you either like

[17:40] or don't like so there's usually not a

[17:43] middle ground with

[17:45] me um and I'm okay with that like I'm

[17:48] going to be myself I want to be myself

[17:51] and I actually think it's awesome that

[17:53] there now there's like 120 people who

[17:57] seem seem to be okay with who I am right

[18:00] so I'm pretty happy about

[18:04] that

[18:06] um we see if it lasts you know see if it

[18:11] lasts CU you know I have strong opinions

[18:14] about

[18:16] everything I not going to share all of

[18:18] them with you because I don't see the

[18:22] point um it doesn't change Minds that's

[18:25] one of the things that um you know

[18:28] learned in life is that it's just kind

[18:30] of pointless um you're not going to

[18:32] change Minds in this world you're just

[18:34] not so don't it's there's no point at

[18:36] even

[18:38] trying just find your people and stick

[18:41] with them if you

[18:43] can talking to how I look at

[18:46] it and for me that's been a very small

[18:49] group of people for a long time

[18:51] and

[18:55] um I don't know I'm lonely guys I am I'm

[19:00] lonely I needed a

[19:01] [Music]

[19:03] change so I'm trying I want to be

[19:06] different I want a different life I want

[19:08] to be happy I mean that's what everybody

[19:10] wants right

[19:13] so hoping for it I'm trying hope you

[19:17] guys have a good day next time you hear

[19:18] from me we are definitely going to be in

[19:20] Tennessee

[19:22] bye it is 6:00 in the morning there are

[19:27] birds out there that do not know how to

[19:29] be quiet oh my

[19:33] God hi

[19:36] Oliver maybe I guess we're getting um

[19:38] those freaking Birds was that shut

[19:42] up there is one out there that is so

[19:45] annoying I would drinkle the

[19:47] thing oh my God

[19:59] I mean I should have known right totally

[20:01] on

[20:07] me I guess we're getting up we have a

[20:10] big day

[20:14] today

[20:16] wow maybe I don't hear him when my fan

[20:19] is on I couldn't use my fan cuz I didn't

[20:21] have my

[20:22] cable for some reason these batteries do

[20:24] not hold up

[20:29] oh that bird had a a noise on it I oh my

[20:34] God

[20:36] yeah good morning I need coffee so

[20:40] bad which is you

[20:42] know like 3 feet from me so I don't have

[20:46] an

[20:47] excuse oh my God I'm nervous this

[20:52] morning I wish I wasn't but I am so I'm

[20:55] just going to say it

[20:59] still it's going to be a fun

[21:04] day I hope I definitely need coffee I'll

[21:08] be back coffee maker on and BW a

[21:12] fuse oh my

[21:14] God had to dig

[21:20] my I don't understand this is not

[21:24] happened

[21:26] yesterday o it is cold out I my

[21:31] shorts oh it's freezing out oh those

[21:35] freaking Birds

[21:38] man I never stop oh my God this thing

[21:41] takes like 2 minutes to start

[21:44] up hold

[21:46] on it say I have

[21:52] power say I have power no I'm very

[21:56] confused but I blew a fuse inside

[22:01] somewhere oh

[22:04] yeah oh that would not be

[22:08] good

[22:10] dang wow you cats are something else

[22:15] man guys chill I got to figure this out

[22:18] oh that wasn't so

[22:20] bad one of the kinds that you switch at

[22:23] least thought you know it was the other

[22:25] kind where you had to replace it so I

[22:28] only

[22:29] have 15 something whatever 15

[22:34] is this has been working forever what

[22:37] why did this

[22:40] happen I turn my my my PlayStation got

[22:44] plugged in but I not using

[22:48] it I need this

[22:50] heater so

[22:55] confusing which one was it

[22:59] 15

[23:02] amps whatever it happened

[23:06] again all

[23:08] right

[23:13] 30 it just as

[23:16] refer would have thought that meant the

[23:18] fridge but it doesn't

[23:21] apparently all of a sudden you hate my

[23:24] heater it's

[23:26] freezing wow

[23:29] give me a minute I mean I knew it was

[23:31] too good to be true I got stuff pugged

[23:33] in all over the

[23:36] place and I did notice those lights came

[23:39] on so even the plugs over there they're

[23:41] all on the same

[23:43] circuit

[23:44] [Music]

[23:46] man wait a minute this only happened

[23:49] when I turned my coffee maker on I only

[23:50] need that once a

[23:54] day just figured I'll just I guess I

[23:57] make coffee and the cold we're making

[24:01] coffee I

[24:03] think it's so cold in here can't

[24:07] remember if my computer was on when I

[24:09] made coffee yesterday I think so however

[24:13] you make this very you make everything

[24:15] difficult you really do

[24:18] man oh you have to be at the center of

[24:21] everything don't you come on come

[24:24] on don't trust you you're going to Snee

[24:26] in my coffee

[24:30] I need

[24:33] coffee really need

[24:43] coffee I bought all this like manual

[24:47] coffee making stuff I have to learn how

[24:49] to use it

[24:51] probably I didn't think I could get away

[24:53] with this thing

[24:55] so I was prepared to not me

[25:00] wonder why the fuse blew

[25:02] though I mean I know why I get why it

[25:05] happens but it didn't happen

[25:07] yesterday so why it

[25:13] Ain oh I love coffee in the morning

[25:34] it's so weird to make coffee like

[25:42] this I was thinking about it

[25:46] yesterday you know I've been making

[25:48] coffee in that thing for years and I

[25:50] never once thought to myself what if it

[25:52] doesn't work

[25:53] today and like I think that way in my

[25:56] camper and it's like

[25:58] shouldn't be like that guys like the

[26:01] manufacturer should be better because it

[26:04] shouldn't be like that that's crazy

[26:06] these things are

[26:08] expensive I know everybody gets behind

[26:10] this whole well there are tiny

[26:12] earthquakes going down the road and all

[26:14] that and it's like well yeah so what

[26:18] it's not like they can't plan for

[26:21] that

[26:25] so seriously that's messed up to me

[26:28] there's no reason they can't make them

[26:30] so that they work like my coffee

[26:34] maker that's how I think of it

[26:38] anyway that's

[26:41] my coffee's ready I'm not ready to get

[26:44] out of bed it's too early it's

[26:52] cold it's very early it's like 6:00 in

[26:55] the morning it's too early those birds

[26:58] man

[26:59] been here for two

[27:01] weeks are they migrating right now and

[27:04] are those sex noises they're making they

[27:09] are it's spring I

[27:12] think oh my God it's too early for

[27:21] this God for

[27:23] coffee

[27:24] um yeah my coffee is pretty simple it's

[27:27] just like some chocolate powder and then

[27:31] two of those things of

[27:34] coffee and some milk that's it that's

[27:37] one water and that's it that's my

[27:44] coffee way cheaper than the Starbucks

[27:46] habit I had once upon a time oh my God

[27:49] that place is expensive

[27:51] now well it always was but it sure seems

[27:55] like they know how to outdo themselves

[27:57] doesn't it

[28:00] so yeah I don't like I don't like going

[28:02] to Starbucks I think it's just a true

[28:05] waste of money those people are just

[28:08] like taking way advantage of us coffee

[28:18] drinkers I saw a flea in here last night

[28:22] I was not happy oh my God I was not

[28:32] I gave both of them their flea

[28:33] treatments the day

[28:36] before I hadn't been giving them to them

[28:38] since you know for a while a long time

[28:40] really because there's no real reason to

[28:43] but you know I hope that was soon enough

[28:47] what will I do I'm not even going to

[28:49] think about it

[28:51] I saw one flea and spent the next many

[28:54] many hours thinking there were fleas on

[28:56] me like it's just not

[28:58] fun that was not

[29:03] fun I am being super observant to little

[29:06] black dots everywhere I tell you that

[29:11] much I what would you do you can't

[29:13] really bomb this place you'd be bombing

[29:17] all your

[29:19] stuff I don't even I just don't

[29:24] know oh man it's it early in the morning

[29:30] so it's very likely I don't need like

[29:32] gas fuel

[29:35] today but I should stop anyways just for

[29:38] the

[29:40] practice and maybe they'll have propane

[29:42] there and I'll figure it out I'm just

[29:44] going to I'll ask the attendant I mean

[29:47] I'm not the first person to go through

[29:49] this

[29:50] so you

[29:52] know all guide wonder why there's an L

[29:56] on there what does the L mean

[30:01] oh there's no R there is an R what why

[30:06] would they put that in a

[30:11] cup I don't get that that's

[30:15] weird you like this cup

[30:31] just feel tired

[30:33] today so this is where we're going I

[30:36] mean not today but that's where we're

[30:38] heading

[30:39] to not going to lie that don't look so

[30:42] pretty to me that's that why I'm going

[30:47] there I don't know those mountains are

[30:49] different than the ones in Phoenix or in

[30:51] Arizona like Northeastern Arizona

[30:56] they're something about those those ones

[30:58] odd me these ones look like Rocky

[31:01] Mountains and they

[31:03] look different

[31:08] somehow wait a minute when they were

[31:11] saying the Bristol cone Pines were like

[31:13] there and they're the oldest things or

[31:15] whatever I'm thinking of little pine

[31:17] cones I wasn't thinking of trees that

[31:20] pretty I picked a good

[31:24] place guess I'm going to have to look up

[31:26] what a vault toilet is

[31:28] I don't know what that

[31:33] means of course I'm not really I don't

[31:36] know yeah I want to go boondocking I

[31:39] have to learn somewhere this is the

[31:41] place to learn I hope there's lots of

[31:43] trees like this and they're not just

[31:45] scattered all by themselves I I want to

[31:48] see lots of

[31:50] trees like that I sure wish I was in

[31:53] better shape so I could climb that

[31:58] maybe I can get in shape on the way

[32:00] there I'm just going to stay somewhere

[32:02] you know like two nights everywhere

[32:05] maybe that second day I go hiking

[32:07] somewhere every where I'm at I should

[32:09] make that a

[32:11] goal 8.6 miles that's not a

[32:15] lot an intense elevation

[32:19] gain strong

[32:21] lungs does that include

[32:23] smokers determination and prudent

[32:26] judgment

[32:28] what are they trying to

[32:30] say well apparently there's some kind of

[32:33] a trail or something where you can go

[32:36] see a dead

[32:38] tree I mean if it's dead

[32:42] like what and how do they know when it

[32:46] died and then there's one that's 3,000

[32:48] years old

[32:51] maybe unmarked trunk of what might be

[32:54] among the oldest trees in the world

[32:56] nearly 5,000 year old Prometheus lies

[32:59] farther off the

[33:01] trail it was cut

[33:03] down by a graduate

[33:06] student oh my God I'm

[33:12] outraged

[33:14] wow well look at that that's a pretty

[33:17] big

[33:18] place I picked a good

[33:21] place could spend some time here

[33:27] it's up real high so it's probably going

[33:29] to be

[33:34] [Music]

[33:36] colder a lot of

[33:38] [Music]

[33:42] canyons big Visitor

[33:43] [Music]

[33:48] Center there's a

[33:51] Grove couple of them well that's where

[33:54] we're going for sure

[33:59] yep and to do some

[34:02] stargazing sorry I really don't like

[34:04] smoking around you

[34:08] guys I'm going to quit one day I swear

[34:10] to God I will I bet every smoke in the

[34:12] world says

[34:16] that but some of them do one thing my

[34:18] doctor told me that stuck with me he

[34:21] says there's more ex smokers now than

[34:24] smokers like wow

[34:28] oh man I don't know why I'm nervous

[34:30] today I shouldn't

[34:33] be I'm not happy about that I don't want

[34:36] to be

[34:39] nervous you know what I'm going to

[34:41] dredge up the same courage I had that

[34:43] first time two weeks ago we're doing

[34:50] this I not even far I mean we're only

[34:52] driving an hour away that's not even far

[34:59] and I'm going to get way more level this

[35:01] time like that is a

[35:03] goal I will pull this slide in and out

[35:06] however many times I have to until I

[35:08] figure out what you know level is with

[35:11] it open and

[35:12] then um you know I have this you've

[35:16] probably seen it I wonder if I lost it

[35:18] it must be somewhere it's not up I know

[35:21] it's not up there um you have I have

[35:24] this thing that you just put on the wall

[35:26] and it will tell you when you're using

[35:28] an app but it only works after you've

[35:32] set it like you have to tell it

[35:35] what what's level for you before it will

[35:38] work

[35:40] so have to do that if I can get

[35:43] level and then find that thing

[35:47] and you know tell it then I can use that

[35:50] from now on make it

[35:52] easier but yeah you know I'm not level

[35:56] because as soon as I pulled my slides

[35:59] out suddenly I wasn't level

[36:02] anymore so this time I'm I'm learning

[36:04] from my experiences for

[36:11] sure I'm just tired I don't know why I

[36:15] don't know how much I

[36:16] slept but I took a nap

[36:20] yesterday with the cat Bailey sted right

[36:23] on my chest and he put his little face

[36:25] up here like he like when was a baby it

[36:28] was so cute he hadn't done that in a

[36:30] long

[36:32] time oh when day I'll pull out those

[36:35] videos for you guys he was so

[36:37] cute I remember making a video Once

[36:40] where he was doing that and it's like I

[36:43] hope he does that

[36:45] forever then he got older and he's so

[36:47] big and heavy like oh no no no I

[36:51] couldn't

[36:52] like oh he's a big cat what was nice m

[36:59] is all it's C forur he got a lot of

[37:07] it yeah I mean I don't even have to

[37:10] leave here till one I guess so I have

[37:14] time just relax for a minute

Photos · Apr 19, 2024

Apr 19, 2024

10:56

Emptying the House, Debating the Cats

Apr 20, 2024

8:33

Setting Up the Camper and Retrieving the Cats

Apr 20, 2024

2:03

Mounting Storage Baskets in the Camper

Apr 20, 2024

0:41

Recalling Firesworn Nation in EVE Online

Apr 21, 2024

4:33

Day Eleven: Cold Mornings and Neighbor Departures

Apr 21, 2024

2:38

Routing Next Stop and Deferring Dental Work

Apr 21, 2024

2:56

Managing Gray Tank Limits and Booking Tennessee Site

Apr 21, 2024

1:34

Unpacking Books and Storage Outside the Camper

Apr 21, 2024

1:35

Fixing Water Hookup and Deploying Solar Panel

Apr 21, 2024

0:44

Responding to RV Miles Video on Homelessness

Apr 22, 2024

3:15

Preparing RV Interior Before Retrieving Cats

Apr 22, 2024

2:26

Planning Route to Great Basin National Park

Apr 22, 2024

1:43

Day 12: Missing Journals and Retrieving Cats

Apr 22, 2024

46:56

Driving Cats to Camper, Documenting Family History

Apr 23, 2024

12:47

Documenting Day 13 of RV Life at Campsite

Apr 24, 2024

15:34

Recording Late-Night Before Camp Move, Day 14

Apr 24, 2024

2:40

Contemplating Platform Control and New Morning Rituals

Apr 24, 2024

15:03

Organizing Camper Storage on Day 14

Apr 24, 2024

10:22

Mapping RV Route to Great Basin National Park

Apr 24, 2024

9:37

Closing Out Day 14 Before Departure

Apr 25, 2024

37:19

Preparing Travel Day With Cats and Tapering Plan

Apr 25, 2024

2:32

Departing Solo for Tennessee with Cats and RV

Apr 25, 2024

36:41

Rain, Power Loss, and First Weeks in the Camper

Apr 26, 2024

9:26

Recovering Journals, Driving to Carthage Walmart

Apr 26, 2024

21:31

Cooking First Chili in the Camper on a Windy Day

Apr 27, 2024

5:43

Explaining Why Tapering Is Not Available

Apr 27, 2024

3:23

Clearing the House, Recovering the Journals

Apr 27, 2024

21:34

Assessing Camper Level While Tapering Off Opioids

Apr 28, 2024

3:14

Waking to an Emptied Campground, Recalibrating the Day

Apr 28, 2024

2:11

Leveling the RV, Weighing Travel Pace

Apr 28, 2024

2:53

Day One of Withdrawal at the Campground

Apr 29, 2024

4:23

Documenting First Night Off Opioids

Apr 29, 2024

20:41

Walking the Campground on Site 77

Apr 29, 2024

3:19

Setting Up Twitch Stream Without Sleep

Apr 29, 2024

6:08

Addressing Trolls, Gray Tank, and Cat Housing Decision

Apr 30, 2024

2:55

Relocating Cats to Parents Early in Camper Life

Apr 30, 2024

6:58

Handing Off Cats and Leaving the House

Apr 30, 2024

5:29

Recalibrating Route Plan Mid-Drive Through Tennessee

May 1, 2024

12:08

Day 21 Systems Check and Final Walkthrough

May 1, 2024

13:46

Moving Sites, Restocking, Renaming the Channel

May 1, 2024

PUBLIC

April 25, 2024 rswfire PUBLISHED

Temp 0.30

Density 0.80

Energetic Quality

unguarded, low-tempo candor

Journey Phase

transitional — mid-relocation, systems being tested

Directional Vector

toward a chosen unfamiliar life, away from avoidance patterns and pharmaceutical dependence

Narrative

At six in the morning the cabin was cold and the birds outside would not stop. rswfire woke into that noise, named it, said he should have known — he'd been on the site two weeks and this was the first morning without a fan running to mask it, because the cable was missing and the batteries hadn't held. Oliver moved through the small footprint. The heater was on. Coffee was three feet from the bed, which he pointed out as the absence of any excuse, and still he stayed where he was for a moment, saying out loud that he was nervous and wished he wasn't, and that it was going to be a good day, and that he needed coffee.

He got up in shorts into the freezing air, turned the coffee maker on, and blew a fuse. What followed was a slow, patient diagnostic conducted in the dark and the cold: which panel, which fuse, the relief that it was the switch kind rather than the replace kind, the 15 that didn't explain it, the 30 marked refer that turned out not to mean the fridge. It hadn't happened the day before. He worked the variable — the PlayStation plugged in and unused, the lights that had come on, the plugs across the cabin all riding the same circuit, the computer that may or may not have been running yesterday when the coffee brewed. The coffee maker was the only load he needed once a day. He got the heater back, made the coffee anyway, and said what he'd been thinking since the day before: that in a house he had never once wondered whether the coffee would work, and that in a camper he thinks that way constantly, and that the manufacturers should be better than that.

Coffee in hand — chocolate powder, two scoops, milk, cheaper than the Starbucks habit he'd left behind — he stayed in bed a while longer, not ready, saying it was too early. He talked about the flea he'd seen the night before and the hours after it, watching for small black dots, running the arithmetic on whether the treatment he'd given both cats the day prior had landed in time, deciding not to think about it. He said taking care of himself had already been hard before this, that the hygiene list he'd written back at the house felt harder to run in a camper, that he hadn't been doing it and wasn't hiding that. He said he was tired and didn't know how much he'd slept. Then he remembered the nap the day before, Bailey settled on his chest with his face tucked up under his chin the way he did as a kitten, before he got big.

He pulled up the destination on his device and scrolled through it — mountains that read to him as Rockies rather than the Arizona ranges he knew, canyons, a large visitor center, groves. He said he'd been picturing pine cones, small ones, and hadn't understood the Bristlecones were trees, and that they were beautiful. He read the trail notes aloud: 8.6 miles, intense elevation gain, strong lungs, determination and prudent judgment, and asked what they were trying to say. He read that Prometheus, nearly five thousand years old, had been cut down by a graduate student, and said he was outraged. He noted he'd need to look up what a vault toilet was. He said he wanted to boondock and that this was the place to learn it, that he'd stay two nights everywhere and hike on the second day, that he wished he were in better shape and maybe he'd get there on the way. Then he stated the concrete goal for the day's arrival: get level, pull the slide in and out as many times as it took, find the wall gauge and finally calibrate it, because last time the rig went out of level the moment the slide came out.

Later he was outside with the sun behind the camera, rolling the day's cigarettes at the table because he doesn't like the fire retardant in factory filters and does the messy work outdoors. The cats were out and unsettled and he said they were getting on his nerves. It was a travel day, and they didn't know that; he'd never moved the rig loaded like this, baskets on the ceiling, everything untested in motion. He talked through the sequence he'd have to run: slide in, cats in carriers, drive down and drain the tanks with them shut in, come back, hook up the Jeep. He said it wouldn't be easy for them, which meant it wouldn't be easy for him, and that they'd think he was torturing them when he was keeping them safe.

He said he wasn't in a good mood and didn't know why. He'd started St John's wort on someone's suggestion for the withdrawal and had taken it that morning already, and wondered mid-sentence whether it was moving his mood and whether it was for him. He wasn't in withdrawal yet — he'd kept his dose up deliberately through the move, not wanting to navigate both at once. When he reached the next campground, he said, he was dumping the pills. Cold turkey, from that moment, however long it took. They were opiates, they had helped him until they stopped helping him, he had wanted off them for years, and it was among the reasons he'd imagined this different life in the first place. He told the channel they might not hear from him for a few days.

The rest came in layers, which he named as his method. He said the comments had picked up and he appreciated it, that he is susceptible to other people's opinions and has to be careful. He said his subscriber count fluctuates, that an unsubscribe registers as rejection, that he has been abandoned and rejected many times — and then noted, aloud, that he'd finally gotten to what he'd been circling, that it takes him time, that nothing he says should be taken as a final word. Someone had told him to stop naming his location; he'd weighed it and declined, since it wouldn't be hard to figure out anyway, and said that if something happened to him it would have happened while he was doing the thing he was trying to love. He would not censor himself at any cost. He was, he said, the kind of person people either like or don't, and there were a hundred and twenty who seemed fine with who he was. He watched a vehicle come up the loop and said he thought they were back there stealing firewood. He said none of this was natural to him, that his instinct is to cut people off and avoid conflict at all cost, that he thinks he learned it from his upbringing and that it hasn't done him any favors, and that he was living against it on purpose and it was hard. He said he gave up his books and a lot else, that he chose this, that he wondered whether it was worth it and then said he thinks it was. He said he was lonely, and also that being by himself felt nice. Then he checked the tires, noted that there wasn't much left to pack, that he didn't have to leave until one — an hour's drive to a group site on the beach, colder probably, right on the water — and that he had time to relax for a minute.

Summary

rswfire records a morning travel-day capture from a campground, rolling cigarettes outside while the sun is behind him. He notes he has roughly five hours before departure, with an hour-long drive ahead to a group site on the beach.

He maps the logistics: draining tanks, bringing in the slide, securing both cats — Bailey and M — in carriers, checking tire air, and possibly stopping for fuel and propane for practice. He states a goal of getting more level at the next site, and mentions a leveling device that requires calibration.

He describes a decision to stop taking his pills cold turkey once he reaches the campground, having tapered up beforehand to avoid withdrawal during the move. He states he has wanted off them for years, describes them as opiates, and notes he may be offline for several days. He also questions whether St. John's wort, suggested to him for withdrawal, is affecting him.

He addresses his YouTube audience directly on: not censoring himself, susceptibility to others' opinions, fluctuating subscriber counts, and his stated pattern of cutting people off and avoiding conflict — a pattern he says he is deliberately living against.

A second segment, recorded at 6 AM, covers a blown fuse triggered by the coffee maker, RV manufacturing standards, a flea sighting, and research on the destination's ancient pine groves, vault toilets, and hiking trails.

Environment

Recorded across two takes at a campground site during a scheduled departure day in spring 2024. The first take is outdoors in early morning sun, camera facing rswfire with the light behind him, while he rolls cigarettes at a table; vehicles pass behind him in the campground loop and he comments on people he suspects are taking firewood.

The second take is interior, inside the camper/RV at roughly 6:00 AM — cold cabin, heater running, coffee maker on a shared circuit that trips a fuse, cats moving through a small footprint, slide-out still extended. Screen-capture footage of a future destination (Bristlecone Pine groves, canyons, a visitor center) is reviewed on device mid-signal. Departure deadline is stated as 1:00 PM, with an hour's drive to a group site on the beach.

Substrate

The architecture held here is deliberate exposure to non-native conditions: rswfire states that his instinct is withdrawal and conflict avoidance, and he is running the opposite protocol on purpose — mobile living, public transmission, uncensored self-presentation, and a planned cold-turkey opiate discontinuation. The ontological position is authorship over inheritance: he names the pattern he attributes to upbringing, states it hasn't served him, and treats the discomfort of the new configuration as expected cost rather than evidence of error. What is being dissolved is the old operating environment (house, books, stored possessions, prescription regimen); what is being built is a mobile system in which he is the sole operator, tested one variable at a time — leveling, tanks, fuses, animals, route.

Actions

Performed

•recording outdoors with sun behind camera
•rolling cigarettes for the day
•narrating cat behavior and carrier plan
•stating current mood and nervousness plainly
•declining to withhold his location on camera
•addressing subscriber count and comment volume
•resetting a tripped breaker inside the camper
•brewing coffee in the cold cabin
•scanning for fleas
•reviewing destination maps and trail descriptions on screen
•compiling multiple morning clips into one upload

Referenced

•taught himself to roll his own cigarettes after fire-retardant filters were introduced
•began taking St John's wort on someone's suggestion
•tapered up his medication ahead of the move
•got rid of books and possessions to fit the camper
•made a written hygiene task list while still in the house
•moved the rig for the first time two weeks prior
•napped with Bailey on his chest the previous day
•gave both cats flea treatments the day before
•cut people off as his standard conflict handling
•bought manual coffee-making equipment

Planned

•drain tanks with cats in carriers
•bring the slide in and hook up the Jeep
•drive one hour to the beach group site
•dump the pills on arrival and go through withdrawal cold turkey
•get the rig properly level and calibrate the level sensor
•stop for fuel and ask the attendant about propane for practice
•stay two nights per stop and hike on the second day
•visit the Bristlecone groves and stargaze
•learn boondocking
•quit smoking eventually

Entities

beings

Bailey — one of two cats traveling with him; described sleeping near his head and napping on his chest

Oliver — name spoken to an animal during the 6 AM interior take

places

Tennessee — named as the location of the next transmission

Bristlecone Pines — grove at the destination reviewed on screen; ancient trees he had misunderstood as pine cones

Phoenix / Northeastern Arizona — prior reference point for mountain terrain comparison

Rocky Mountains — comparison for the destination range's appearance

systems

YouTube — transmission channel; subscriber count fluctuation, comments, monetization considered and de-prioritized

Starbucks — prior coffee habit, named as a waste of money

Jeep — tow vehicle to be hooked up before departure

PlayStation — plugged-in load considered as a possible cause of the blown fuse

concepts

Prometheus — nearly 5,000-year-old tree cut down by a graduate student; he states outrage at reading this

vault toilet — unfamiliar term at the destination he intends to look up

media

St John's wart — supplement taken on a viewer's suggestion; he questions whether it is affecting his mood

Symbolic Elements

Represented archetypes or recurring motifs.

threshold

fire

carrier / enclosure

circuit

level

small space

ancient tree

birdsong

road

sun behind the camera

Ontological States

Expressed modes of being or awareness.

transitional (mid-relocation, rig loaded and untested in motion)

sovereign-by-choice (states he chose this configuration and gave things up for it)

deliberately exposed (uncensored transmission, location disclosed, discomfort narrated live)

recursive-processing (states his understanding arrives in layers, not as final positions)

solitary-operating (states he is by himself, names it as both liked and lonely)

Engaged Subsystems

Architecture engaged in this transmission.

infrastructural (tanks, slide, fuses, circuits, tires, propane, leveling)

somatic (nervousness, tiredness, cold, hygiene tasks, smoking, flea vigilance)

pharmacological (opiate taper and planned cold-turkey discontinuation, St John's wort)

relational (two cats as dependents, absent peer with comparable experience)

transmission (YouTube channel, subscriber count, comment field, no-censorship stance)

navigational (route, one-hour drive, destination scouting, two-night cadence)

cognitive (stated multi-layer processing, unwillingness to treat statements as final)

Dominant Language

Core motifs or linguistic fields.

not natural for me / outside my comfort zone

I chose this

cut people off / avoid conflict

dumping my pills / cold turkey

level

processing stuff with you guys

rejected / abandoned

Narrative

Mirror

You are recording on a departure day with five hours on the clock and a one-hour drive at the end of it. The sun is behind you and you say so. You are rolling cigarettes at an outdoor table because the filters are treated and you don't want that. Two cats are moving through the site and through the camper, and you name them as getting on your nerves, as monsters, as different from every cat you've had. You state you are not in a good mood. You state it plainly, early, without building toward it.

The infrastructural subsystem is running and it is running in sequence: tanks to drain, slide to pull in, tires to check on air, propane to ask the attendant about, a fuse that blew when the coffee maker went on and didn't blow yesterday, a 15 that turned out to be a 30, a circuit you now know carries the heater and the plugs across the room. You solve the fuse in real time on camera, then say you don't understand why it happened. You set a goal for leveling and state the method — pull the slide in and out however many times it takes, then set the wall device that only works once it's been told what level is. You are testing one variable at a time and you say which variable each one is.

The pharmacological subsystem is staged, not active. You state you went up to what you were taking so you would not be in withdrawal while navigating the move. You state that at the next campground you are dumping the pills and going cold turkey, that you don't know how long it takes, that you might be gone from the channel for days, that you've wanted off them for years, that they helped until they stopped. You question the St John's wort mid-signal and take it anyway that morning. The plan has a location and a start condition. It has no duration, no support structure, no fallback named, and no one on the other end of it.

You name the pattern you attribute to upbringing — cut people off, avoid conflict at all cost — and you state you are running the opposite of it on purpose: mobile, public, uncensored, location disclosed. Someone told you to hide where you are. You state you see no point, and then you state that if something happens to you, it happens while you're doing what you're trying to do. You track the subscriber count. You name an unsubscribe as rejection, then name rejection and abandonment as your history, then note that you finally got to what you were trying to say. You state directly that this is how you process — in layers, out loud, with the audience — and that nothing you say should be read as final.

Two things sit side by side and you leave them there. You state you like being by yourself and it feels nice. You state you are lonely. You state you gave up a lot, wonder aloud whether it was worth it, say you did not know you were going to say that, and then say you think it was — not as a strong feeling. You say the house would not be better. You say it's too soon to be judging and that you should stay open. On the screen you review Bristlecone groves, canyons, a visitor center, an 8.6-mile trail with an elevation warning, a 5,000-year-old tree cut down by a graduate student. You are outraged about the tree. You say you picked a good place.

What is present: the rig, the route, the deadline, the animals, the fuse, the fleas you're watching for, the coffee, the cold, the birds you've decided you've never liked, the transmission running through all of it. What is absent: any request for help, any ask of the audience beyond patience, any named person on the other end of the drive. You state you wish there were someone who had done this alone that you could ask whether it was hard for them too. You do not go looking for that person. You say it doesn't matter at the end of the day because you have to get through it either way, and then you say you don't have to leave until one, and you take a minute.

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Preparing Travel Day With Cats and Tapering Plan

Energetic Quality

Journey Phase

Directional Vector

Tags

Summary

Environment

Substrate

Actions

Performed

Referenced

Planned

Entities

Symbolic Elements

Ontological States

Engaged Subsystems

Dominant Language

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