[0:01]
good morning fellow
[0:03]
Hammond it's 3:00
[0:06]
here or 4 depending on which of my
[0:09]
devices you look at because the time
[0:12]
don't
[0:15]
change so I think I slept five or 6
[0:19]
hours I'm not sure
[0:22]
which oh but I decided to just get up
[0:24]
cuz I could tell I was not going to fall
[0:26]
back
[0:27]
asleep I have a busy day today I'm
[0:30]
heading into Wyoming from
[0:34]
Nebraska and there's some things I'd
[0:37]
like to do today I'm going to make some
[0:39]
breakfast I'm going to cook up a bunch
[0:41]
of sausage and
[0:43]
just um store that in my fridge so that
[0:47]
I can mix that in with my eggs every
[0:49]
morning and you know I haven't been
[0:51]
cooking
[0:53]
so I'm excited to do that I'm going to
[0:55]
do that this
[0:58]
morning yeah got a little bit of work to
[1:02]
do in here need to go take a
[1:05]
shower um Here Comes Bailey and just I
[1:10]
just there's just a lot that I need to
[1:11]
do this morning before I head into
[1:13]
Wyoming I feel
[1:17]
like I'm avoiding
[1:22]
it today is going to be a heavy day for
[1:25]
me which means that this video is going
[1:27]
to be very heavy
[1:30]
and that's because I associate Wyoming
[1:33]
with the worst hate
[1:36]
crime of my
[1:38]
lifetime something that shaped me for
[1:41]
decades and that was the murder of
[1:43]
Matthew
[1:46]
Shepard it's decades ago now I think I
[1:49]
was 21 at the time I was the same age he
[1:52]
was when he was
[1:55]
murdered yeah and it shaped
[2:00]
I shaped my life it stru me to my
[2:07]
core and of course you should
[2:13]
not Define an entire state by one act
[2:17]
it's not what I'm
[2:22]
doing but everything is interconnected
[2:25]
in the way my brain works where
[2:27]
everything is
[2:30]
is interconnected or you know it's just
[2:32]
a relational mindset I associate an
[2:35]
associative mind I associate Wyoming
[2:39]
with
[2:40]
that and I wasn't
[2:48]
consciously thinking about it as I was
[2:50]
planning my route but it was there in
[2:53]
the back of my mind something I can't
[2:56]
avoid cuz whenever I hear the just the
[2:59]
word l
[3:00]
me I think I'm Matthew
[3:05]
Shepherd we're not heading there today
[3:09]
fortunately I think I would actually
[3:11]
want to avoid that place to be honest
[3:13]
with
[3:18]
you CU you
[3:20]
guys many of you can't possibly
[3:25]
understand what that day did for many
[3:28]
people like me
[3:37]
I lost my faith in humanity that
[3:40]
day not because of two
[3:44]
men but because
[3:47]
of the
[3:53]
aftermath the ugliness I saw in
[3:57]
people the justification
[4:00]
the
[4:01]
homophobia the
[4:03]
hatred the fear cuz that's all it is at
[4:06]
its
[4:12]
core the inability to just let other
[4:15]
people exist in the
[4:17]
world when they're different than
[4:28]
you I I grew up hating
[4:34]
myself internalizing the homophobia that
[4:38]
many of you project into the
[4:42]
world and I didn't deserve that and
[4:45]
nobody deserves that the people that are
[4:47]
growing up
[4:49]
today this isn't an issue that's over
[4:52]
you understand that
[4:57]
right I don't talk about this a lot on
[4:59]
my
[5:04]
channel but I am gay I'm never hit that
[5:15]
fact and the hatred that I see
[5:18]
especially in older Generations who tend
[5:20]
to follow my channel is something that
[5:26]
I I don't respect
[5:39]
if you don't know who Matthew Shepard
[5:43]
is please look him
[5:49]
up I have a feeling that we'll be
[5:51]
talking more about him in this video as
[5:54]
I travel through that state because
[5:59]
I associate the
[6:03]
T I'm not kidding you when I tell you
[6:06]
today it's going to be hard I've already
[6:08]
been crying a little
[6:12]
bit you can't hold a whole state
[6:14]
responsible for one event
[6:17]
but I think that they would love for
[6:21]
that memory to just fade into
[6:25]
history nobody want to confront
[6:32]
the
[6:32]
hatred that
[6:37]
Society helps
[6:40]
create it didn't happen in a
[6:47]
vacuum I do need to try to have a
[6:51]
somewhat normal day today so I'm going
[6:53]
to make some coffee and start making
[6:55]
breakfast this should be fun I guess
[6:59]
see how bubbly my water
[7:01]
is
[7:03]
busy I have not been able to figure that
[7:06]
out I have rinsed it out many times
[7:09]
since cleaning them and it's just so
[7:10]
fizzy I don't get
[7:13]
it all right we're going to make some
[7:19]
coffee well I cook some sausage and I
[7:23]
wanted you to see
[7:24]
this so first you go like this this
[7:27]
scared the crap out of me yesterday
[7:30]
and then this thing just clicks over I
[7:33]
wasn't sure if that was normal or not
[7:36]
because I kept trying to put this back
[7:38]
to where it says top but now I realize
[7:40]
top burner spark is all one
[7:42]
thing scared the crap out of me though
[7:45]
all right so I'm just going to make some
[7:48]
sausage I'll make some
[7:50]
eggs um once it's cooked up give got
[7:53]
some
[7:54]
bacon I legitimately don't know how much
[7:58]
propane you're supposed to use use they
[8:00]
do have it pretty low I think I mean
[8:04]
that's lowest setting
[8:07]
but how are you supposed to know where
[8:09]
to put this thing this thing's not
[8:12]
moving it at all I don't get
[8:14]
it low over here
[8:18]
oh this is kind of like high light and
[8:21]
high oh now I understand
[8:25]
okay fascinating
[8:27]
[Music]
[8:30]
okay so that was a lot of
[8:34]
people I didn't realize
[8:38]
that I don't know this is all new to
[8:44]
me we already cooking
[8:47]
though I have never made sausage like
[8:50]
this before but I figured I would just
[8:52]
treat it like hamburger meat you know
[8:54]
and
[8:56]
um make little crumbles and put them in
[8:59]
a container and mix it in with
[9:03]
like I don't know just mix it in with
[9:06]
scrambled eggs or
[9:11]
something this should be
[9:15]
interesting how are you supposed to deal
[9:17]
with
[9:18]
that I am not a
[9:21]
cook where are you supposed to put these
[9:23]
in
[9:25]
here very problematic
[9:34]
okay oh no don't do that thank
[9:37]
you where to really put
[9:41]
this prob will get better with time
[9:44]
[Music]
[9:46]
though I think I'll make some bacon too
[9:48]
like I'll make all my bacon then just
[9:50]
put that into little pieces
[9:54]
also my thinking is I want to make
[9:57]
cooking simple for me like and also
[10:01]
conserve my propane like if I cook
[10:04]
everything you know and then just have
[10:06]
to warm it up when I make eggs then
[10:08]
hopefully I use less propane it's the
[10:11]
idea
[10:13]
here so yeah I think that's what I'm
[10:15]
going to do all right this meals cooked
[10:19]
to
[10:19]
me not a whole lot of Grease which is
[10:22]
pretty
[10:24]
neat some not a
[10:27]
lot I just got toig figure out how to
[10:29]
get it out of the pan this ought to do
[10:33]
put it in
[10:36]
[Music]
[10:39]
there all right let's dry
[10:44]
this oh yeah that's what I thought would
[10:46]
happen there's nothing heating over here
[10:48]
though so
[10:51]
[Music]
[11:08]
okay so it might be more than
[11:11]
[Music]
[11:22]
one kind of looks like turkey to me
[11:25]
ground turkey when I made chili that
[11:28]
Monday there's so little grease I feel
[11:30]
like I can just wipe it up with a paper
[11:33]
towel I was prepared
[11:38]
for um putting it into a
[11:42]
can that ought to do probably not the
[11:45]
most effective way to cook that I was
[11:48]
trying to cook it all at
[11:50]
once we'll see how it goes I
[11:54]
guess sausage is
[11:56]
good um I think I need like
[12:00]
some Lids I don't have any lids for this
[12:01]
stuff so I might want to find a lid
[12:04]
somewhere
[12:05]
get something I can put on top of my
[12:08]
pants and they cook easier I don't hold
[12:11]
out much hope I won't break those yolks
[12:14]
but I'm going to
[12:16]
try turn the heat up on these to medium
[12:19]
because I just felt
[12:22]
like I don't know I guess you need a lot
[12:24]
of
[12:25]
[Music]
[12:27]
propane no surprise there I think I
[12:30]
saved one of
[12:32]
them eat my eggs have my bacon cooking
[12:35]
drinking my coffee that's
[12:39]
breakfast wasn't a very healthy
[12:41]
breakfast but it was
[12:44]
breakfast and I cooked
[12:47]
myself
[12:50]
so I was just thinking if I could bypass
[12:53]
this state I would I would just go
[12:56]
around it over it
[12:59]
anything not to step into it that is how
[13:02]
significant it is to me emotionally and
[13:06]
psychologically Wyoming is tied up in my
[13:12]
identity because of what happened to
[13:14]
Matthew chapter
[13:17]
there and that tells me a lot tells me
[13:24]
that I don't like avoiding things
[13:27]
so we try travel through it and I
[13:30]
navigate whatever comes up for
[13:33]
me there's a lot there's a lot I'm not
[13:35]
even saying
[13:38]
because it would not be
[13:46]
understood there is a part of me
[13:52]
that the reason I don't respect my
[13:56]
audience or most of humanity is this
[13:59]
right
[14:02]
here because I know you're part of the
[14:04]
problem I know that you contributed to
[14:09]
the atmosphere the environment that
[14:12]
shaped my
[14:14]
life that made me hate
[14:19]
myself
[14:25]
so and you cannot understand
[14:32]
what it feels like to grow up in a world
[14:33]
that rejects you so completely over
[14:36]
something
[14:38]
so
[14:41]
unimportant you don't go around talking
[14:43]
about your sexuality when you're
[14:45]
straight because it's not that big a
[14:47]
deal with the fact I'm
[14:50]
game somehow that has to shape my entire
[14:53]
identity not because I want it to but
[14:56]
because you guys Define it that way
[15:03]
being gay is just one part of
[15:06]
myself and I don't consider it the most
[15:08]
important part not by a long
[15:11]
shot you guys turn it into
[15:14]
something
[15:16]
other because that's what you do with
[15:20]
everything this will not be an easy day
[15:23]
for either of
[15:26]
us there's something I haven't said
[15:30]
and that's that I hate
[15:35]
you because you made me hate
[15:41]
me you do not
[15:44]
know the harm you
[15:51]
do you took something intimate and
[15:55]
personal and you fractured it because
[15:59]
you fracture
[16:04]
everything I hate
[16:07]
you and I hate you because you make me
[16:11]
hate
[16:12]
you I don't live in that
[16:17]
space I don't want to be like
[16:23]
you you don't deserve anything from me
[16:26]
not any emotion nothing
[16:36]
your fragmented toxic
[16:40]
reality is antithetical to who I am at
[16:44]
my core and you have tried to take that
[16:48]
from me all of my life and I have
[16:50]
rejected
[16:52]
it you are the
[16:55]
problem not me
[16:59]
and not people like me
