[0:01]
So, this isn't going to be a very
[0:03]
polished
[0:04]
video. Tried making it a couple of times
[0:10]
now and then I decided, you know what?
[0:12]
I'm just going to take you along with me
[0:16]
through a liinal
[0:19]
space, my
[0:23]
space. My thoughts will unfurl as I do.
[0:25]
It's not going to happen quickly. So, if
[0:27]
you want to come along with me, you're
[0:30]
going to have to be
[0:31]
patient cuz this is what it looks like.
[0:34]
This is
[0:37]
reality. I'm not here
[0:40]
performing. I'm just
[0:43]
existing. It's 2:30 in the morning here.
[0:47]
I woke up a little while
[0:49]
ago. I
[0:52]
was I don't sleep very well in my bed.
[0:55]
It's a terrible bad situation for me.
[0:59]
Um, my slide is broken in my RV. Has
[1:03]
been for a very long time. I just sleep
[1:05]
in this little al cove here. It's too
[1:07]
short for me. It's not a comfortable
[1:10]
mattress that I'm laying on. So, I don't
[1:12]
sleep very well. I often wake up at this
[1:15]
time.
[1:20]
and I don't sleep real deep. Um, as deep
[1:23]
as I used to back when I lived in the
[1:26]
house. This has been an adaptation that
[1:29]
I've just accepted and lived with for
[1:34]
nearly a year. So, it's not
[1:38]
new. But last night, you know, I'm
[1:40]
trying to sleep and I'm mostly asleep,
[1:43]
but I'm also conscious that I'm
[1:46]
thinking. I don't really know how to
[1:47]
describe that, but I'm thinking about
[1:49]
everything that's about to change in my
[1:54]
life. Not with fear. It's like I'm
[1:57]
cataloging. I'm
[2:00]
just
[2:05]
preparing. It's an embodied preparation
[2:09]
because I have an integrated
[2:11]
consciousness. This is a
[2:13]
fact and it's cognitive,
[2:18]
sematic, emotional, ethical, all of
[2:21]
those things are
[2:24]
integrated. And
[2:29]
so this is on the edge of words for me.
[2:32]
I don't really know how to describe
[2:33]
this.
[2:39]
So, well, I can't. I truly can't. So,
[2:43]
I'm just I guess move on from that. But
[2:46]
here's my
[2:48]
situation. A day from now, I'm going to
[2:51]
disconnect my RV from the power here at
[2:54]
this campground. And that's it. My RV
[2:57]
won't have power anymore. So, these
[2:59]
lights won't work. My music won't work.
[3:02]
The electric blanket that I'm laying
[3:04]
under won't work. My electric heater
[3:06]
won't work. My fridge won't work. My
[3:09]
water won't work because it needs a
[3:10]
water
[3:14]
pump. Nothing in here will work. And so
[3:18]
I'm cataloging that. I'm thinking, okay,
[3:20]
so how do we
[3:22]
adapt? I'm going to need light. I don't
[3:25]
have any any light source. I'm less
[3:28]
prepared than I thought I was. And
[3:29]
that's
[3:31]
why this is important
[3:34]
even that's why I look at it the way I
[3:36]
do going to learn something from this.
[3:39]
We're going to experience something and
[3:41]
that experience is going to help shape
[3:43]
me into the next version of
[3:47]
me. And I don't fight this. I embrace
[3:50]
it. So I'm going to need light in here.
[3:53]
Can't use candles. That would be
[3:55]
dangerous. There's nowhere to really put
[3:57]
them.
[3:59]
But I don't really have anything
[4:02]
that I'm just I'm not sure on that one,
[4:04]
which is surprising because you'd think
[4:06]
that would be
[4:10]
simple. I don't
[4:12]
know. Music is super important. It
[4:19]
is is a central part of my life. I
[4:21]
listen to music more than
[4:25]
um definitely more than the average
[4:26]
person.
[4:34]
And yeah, like I need music in my life.
[4:38]
Like I don't watch television. I don't
[4:40]
play video games. Like music
[4:45]
is a requirement. And my little Alexa
[4:49]
device over there will not work. You
[4:51]
know, it needs internet. It needs power.
[4:54]
I won't have these things.
[4:57]
I have my phone. I have headphones, but
[5:00]
they're not working. The there's
[5:02]
something wrong with the cable.
[5:03]
Sometimes they work, sometimes they
[5:04]
don't. Hopefully, I can replace those
[5:06]
soon. That's how important it
[5:10]
is. But, you know, my phone
[5:13]
uses power also. I'll be able to charge
[5:17]
that. I'll talk about that in a minute.
[5:22]
I'm still going to have
[5:24]
to conserve.
[5:28]
And so, yeah, there's
[5:30]
that
[5:33]
heat. I can live with some
[5:36]
discomfort.
[5:37]
So, maybe I just, you know, I'm under a
[5:40]
bunch of blankets. I do have a propane
[5:43]
heater um that I can
[5:46]
use. So I expect that will become a part
[5:50]
of my life very
[5:59]
soon. Growth happens at the edge. It
[6:01]
happens in discomfort. It doesn't happen
[6:03]
in comfort. When I lived a comfortable
[6:05]
life in a house, I didn't grow. I
[6:07]
stagnated. When I moved into this
[6:12]
RV, I did nothing but grow in every way
[6:15]
that a person can because I had put
[6:18]
myself in a situation that required
[6:21]
it. And I got comfortable in some
[6:24]
ways. I sold my
[6:27]
solar. I needed to. I had no choice. But
[6:30]
man, that would have been really helpful
[6:36]
now. Perhaps I didn't
[6:40]
think. I mean, I knew I just But you
[6:44]
know, now now I'm going to live with the
[6:46]
discomfort of not having it. So, I'm
[6:49]
going to want to replace that as soon as
[6:51]
I
[6:54]
can cuz that would have powered my whole
[6:57]
life in here. It really sucks that I
[7:01]
don't have that. So, let's talk power. I
[7:05]
have an inverter that I can hook up to
[7:06]
my Jeep. That's one of the things.
[7:08]
That's the first thing I got when I got
[7:09]
to
[7:10]
Oregon. I had to drive back cuz I had it
[7:13]
delivered to a Lowe's store. I think it
[7:15]
was a
[7:16]
Lowe's. And just based on my journey, I
[7:20]
ended up ahead of it getting delivered.
[7:22]
So, I had to drive back to get it. And
[7:25]
I've tested it once. It's not mounted to
[7:28]
my Jeep. So, um I don't have like a
[7:32]
convenient way of using
[7:35]
it, but you know, I'll use it and one
[7:39]
day I hope to get that mounted
[7:42]
somehow. I'll use that to charge my
[7:44]
devices, to charge my laptop, and that's
[7:46]
it cuz it's going to use my Jeep's fuel
[7:49]
and I'll need that. So, I'm going to use
[7:51]
it
[7:52]
conservatively. I won't be I won't be
[7:54]
using it, you know, for heat or
[7:59]
anything that would be an extra right
[8:01]
now.
[8:03]
So, so that's
[8:05]
power. I mentioned how I would have
[8:08]
heat.
[8:10]
Um water. I'm just going to have to buy,
[8:13]
you know, gallon jugs of
[8:17]
water. Uh no fridge, so food is going to
[8:20]
have to be shelf stable.
[8:23]
um a small cooler type thing with ice in
[8:28]
it. Probably I you know I should be able
[8:32]
to manage that I
[8:35]
think and that's where I am. That's this
[8:38]
is how I'll be living for a
[8:41]
while. And I'm not I'm not I'm not
[8:48]
afraid. I'm not feeling fear right now.
[8:51]
I'm just
[8:57]
cataloging. I don't know how to describe
[8:59]
what I feel right now. Honestly, I feel
[9:03]
like this is an important test for me
[9:06]
and I believe I'll pass it. I don't just
[9:09]
believe I know. I know I'll pass
[9:14]
it. I'm not afraid of discomfort.
[9:22]
I think this is
[9:24]
important in ways I cannot
[9:29]
describe. There are some things that
[9:31]
that do cause me fear though. That's
[9:36]
um I'm not feeling it right now.
[9:38]
Somebody helped me. Somebody sent me
[9:40]
$100. Thank you for this. I mean I
[9:44]
um I said this in the other videos I
[9:46]
tried to create. So, I'm not this isn't
[9:49]
an afterthought. It's just
[9:51]
um I guess where it naturally comes up
[9:54]
in, you know, my thoughts here for this
[9:56]
video. Going to create a video at some
[9:58]
point just thanking those who do help me
[10:01]
during this part of my
[10:03]
life. So, so expect
[10:06]
that. Um I had no money in my bank
[10:09]
account. So, that $100 that was sent to
[10:11]
me digitally, which meant I could
[10:13]
transfer to my bank account, and I used
[10:15]
that to book the next campground I'll be
[10:18]
at for four nights. Looks like a good
[10:21]
spot. No power, no water, you know, just
[10:24]
um basic campground spot, but it looks
[10:27]
like a nice spot
[10:30]
and I am grateful
[10:34]
and just need to keep that going as long
[10:37]
as possible. So, if anyone else can
[10:39]
help, I would really appreciate your
[10:41]
help. Um, unfortunately, I'm going to
[10:44]
have to keep asking during this chapter
[10:47]
of my
[10:48]
life. I'm not good at asking for help.
[10:53]
And but I don't think that there's
[10:56]
anything wrong with asking. I've been
[10:58]
helping people all my life. Now, I need
[11:01]
to ask. This doesn't diminish me. This
[11:04]
doesn't make me smaller.
[11:10]
We need each other. That's how I look at
[11:12]
it.
[11:17]
And yeah, so I guess I'm learning to
[11:23]
ask that
[11:25]
part makes me I mean I'm less I'm less
[11:29]
secure on this part
[11:31]
where where I'm dependent on others
[11:34]
right now in order just to keep myself
[11:36]
on a campground because I don't know
[11:37]
what I'll do if that if that doesn't
[11:40]
work out.
[11:42]
I haven't been able to figure
[11:45]
out how to live outside of that
[11:48]
infrastructure. I'm not prepared for
[11:50]
that. And I really hope I don't have to
[11:51]
face it yet. But that is going to be
[11:53]
another edge for me at some point.
[11:55]
Another discomfort that I'm going to
[11:56]
have to
[11:57]
face. I'm not ready yet. I want to do
[12:00]
that differently. I want to want to have
[12:02]
solar, you know. I want to have
[12:05]
self-sufficient systems at that point.
[12:07]
Better batteries for my RV that are
[12:09]
actually worth charging every day.
[12:12]
So
[12:14]
that you know it's iterative. This is
[12:17]
the next iteration of what I'm trying to
[12:20]
do. And
[12:22]
so you know I want to face that edge at
[12:25]
the right time. I don't want to have to
[12:27]
face that one before I feel prepared for
[12:29]
it. And I don't feel prepared.
[12:33]
So yeah, this is where I am today. This
[12:36]
is where I am tonight.
[12:42]
I think most people hide this
[12:44]
part. They show you the growth after the
[12:48]
fact. I'm not doing that. I'm showing it
[12:51]
to you in real
[12:54]
time. And I think there's value in that
[12:57]
and I'm not ashamed to do it.
