Driving Home from Dentist, Naming RV Dissatisfaction

01J1XCM5TRJ1B731FMMMR0DRKK

PUBLIC

July 3, 2024 rswfire PUBLISHED

Temp 0.20

Density 0.80

Energetic Quality

candid, mobile, unguarded

Journey Phase

transitional — between housings and between self-definitions

Directional Vector

away from stationary containment and family proximity, toward motion and self-redefinition

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Transcript

[0:00] found another one another

[0:03] Jeep I should have turn my vehicle

[0:07] off got to get a nice blue one for this

[0:10] one that is a very beautiful color hold

[0:13] on don't have very many blue ones have

[0:16] to sett up for this

[0:19] one need their little ducks in

[0:23] there hope they don't miss it I used to

[0:26] have one like that I think that's a JK

[0:30] I'm not very good at telling when's a

[0:32] JL

[0:35] um I think it's a JK that right there is

[0:38] why I bought a bulk of little rubber

[0:40] duckies from Amazon I got like 50 of

[0:43] them very

[0:45] cheap and now anytime I see someone

[0:49] who's got some duckies you know I know

[0:52] that they're into it so got to get them

[0:54] get them see there's a Jeep there but no

[0:58] duckies I enjoy that

[1:01] so this is a little [ __ ] up I am on my

[1:03] way home from the dentist and it is

[1:04] taking me through the little town where

[1:06] my parents live because of like some

[1:09] backup or something you know it's an

[1:10] alternate

[1:11] route this town is way out of the way I

[1:14] mean if my parents saw me there they

[1:16] would definitely think I was there for

[1:18] them I don't want to be that close to

[1:20] them like wow like there's something

[1:22] about it just

[1:26] feels I don't even know I don't even

[1:28] know the word for this I this this sucks

[1:31] whatever well on a positive note it's

[1:34] going to take me on the scenic route

[1:35] which I've only taken once

[1:37] because um I went to my parent back when

[1:40] I was still talking to them um it took

[1:42] me that way and it was really beautiful

[1:45] very beautiful road that I had never

[1:46] seen before this is a way

[1:49] I it's just this is really out of the

[1:51] way so oh

[1:54] well okay at least we're going around

[1:57] the town that's good news

[2:00] I'm a little confused cuz it say College

[2:02] Street there a little tiny College

[2:05] there I don't know what find out this is

[2:09] not a place I want to

[2:11] be

[2:13] like I don't know what to think about

[2:15] this I truly don't like this just feels

[2:18] really messed

[2:20] [Music]

[2:24] up there is a part of me that I'm going

[2:27] to admit

[2:28] to there's a part of me that would just

[2:32] love to do drugs all the [ __ ] time

[2:36] and get lost in night life somewhere

[2:38] like Las Vegas

[2:40] or just get lost in the night

[2:43] life I haven't let that side of myself

[2:46] out in a very long time but I'm not

[2:49] saying those are bad memories cuz

[2:51] they're

[2:52] not oh why did I ever

[2:55] stop this one

[2:58] time I dated a coke

[3:01] dealer I don't know what's bringing this

[3:03] up

[3:05] but this was in Detroit

[3:07] Michigan I started dating this coke

[3:09] dealer that I met at a

[3:12] bar he was so hot this man was [ __ ]

[3:16] gorgeous and you know all the free Coke

[3:19] you could

[3:20] have I remember one night we were at his

[3:25] house

[3:27] and we're just cuddling and I started

[3:30] crying I was so happy I just started

[3:33] crying I was so happy this man put me on

[3:36] a train back to ant aror the next

[3:37] [ __ ]

[3:38] [Music]

[3:40] morning oh my God and then he just

[3:42] totally ghosted me I can't remember his

[3:46] name oh that's a good

[3:50] memory

[3:53] epic so I do know I gave up

[3:57] Coke after a couple of fabulous [ __ ]

[4:00] months I mean fabulous for the one and

[4:04] only time in my entire life my nose

[4:06] split I was like okay I shouldn't be

[4:08] doing this stuff that was it for me the

[4:11] one and only time my nose has ever

[4:14] blend I had a very good life in some

[4:16] ways I mean once I came out I just I was

[4:21] a different person I I embrac life big

[4:25] time and I definitely had fun I

[4:30] definitely had

[4:31] fun I was looking for love I guess maybe

[4:36] that's just what I was telling

[4:39] myself nah we had a lot I mean just

[4:42] think Queer as Folk cuz that was

[4:46] definitely

[4:46] mean oh man I used to have so much

[4:50] fun after Coke I Still Smoked pot I gave

[4:54] that up when I was around I think I was

[4:56] 28 years old I feel like I actually

[4:57] remember

[5:00] um can't remember why though it was like

[5:03] and I didn't smoke that stuff for a long

[5:06] time until like a year ago

[5:08] so something convinced me in my own mind

[5:13] cuz it's not like anybody else could

[5:15] have done it I just

[5:18] decided like maybe I was using it as a

[5:20] crutch or something I don't know but

[5:21] anyways soon after that is when I had my

[5:24] first panic attack I'm sure those two

[5:25] things are related and I'd been on

[5:28] clopin ever since

[5:31] I want to get off that I mean we're down

[5:33] to a quarter of a

[5:34] milligram I've been thinking maybe maybe

[5:37] it's time I didn't get through the

[5:38] tramad doll you know I feel like I'm

[5:41] over that you know my mother used that

[5:44] as ammunition against me because I went

[5:46] to her house one day and I told her

[5:48] because I had a video about this where I

[5:51] had been talking to Ai and AI had told

[5:53] me um about how my neurotransmitters

[5:56] were all just messed up from being

[5:57] through withraw and how it takes takes

[5:59] time for that to get

[6:03] better and so I kind of came up with a

[6:06] joke about it and I said I can't really

[6:07] trust my own mind right now I said that

[6:09] in a video and I it was a joke it was a

[6:12] joke I me it was half serious but it was

[6:14] mostly a joke and my mother used that

[6:17] twice in conversations with her when I

[6:19] was talking about getting Oliver she

[6:21] said I don't know if I can trust you

[6:22] right now you said so

[6:25] yourself I truly don't know what took me

[6:29] so long to finally abandon those two

[6:31] because they [ __ ] deserved it a long

[6:34] ass time

[6:35] ago so I'm pretty much almost back I

[6:38] guess I still got 20 minutes to go there

[6:41] is one thing I wanted to talk

[6:43] about cuz I just haven't acknowledged

[6:45] this on my channel yet and I think it's

[6:47] time um I don't like the RV lifestyle

[6:50] I'm not enjoying this at all like I

[6:53] literally do not seem to like any aspect

[6:56] of this right now so I don't like the

[6:58] small space I don't like the

[7:00] insufferable heat I feel like Bailey's

[7:04] bored to

[7:05] tears you know um I'm I hate being on

[7:08] campgrounds by you know around a bunch

[7:10] of people like everything about it right

[7:12] now all the challenges I'm having I am

[7:15] not enjoying any of it I think what I

[7:18] really wanted was to buy some land to

[7:21] have a cabin and when that fell

[7:23] through this was like the next best

[7:26] thing that I felt like I could do

[7:27] because I did have to get out of my

[7:29] house I couldn't stay there I I knew on

[7:32] some level maybe not even a conscious

[7:34] one but on some level I knew that I was

[7:37] I was moving on from my parents like I

[7:39] was done I was ready to

[7:42] just push myself back out into the

[7:45] world and that's what I've done now

[7:48] saying all of that I'm not saying it

[7:51] won't get better I'm just acknowledging

[7:53] how I feel right now I'm hoping um on

[7:56] the 7th I move into the woods so I'll be

[7:58] under a tree canopy I'm hoping hoping

[7:59] that'll be better I'm hoping that maybe

[8:01] my feeling about this lifestyle will get

[8:03] a little bit better plus you know it's

[8:05] partly because I'm stationary I don't

[8:07] like being stationary I do want to be

[8:09] out the driving being different places

[8:13] so I'm

[8:14] hopeful that it's not so much the RV

[8:17] lifestyle as it is the way I'm living it

[8:19] right now so you know stay

[8:22] tuned well I guess I could tell you guys

[8:25] what's going on in my life right now

[8:27] so I started getting into Elden ring you

[8:30] know they just came out with some DLC

[8:31] for I never actually played the original

[8:34] game just a little bit I never like you

[8:36] know got super far and and I never got

[8:38] into the Dark Souls games but you know

[8:41] I'm kind of thinking about maybe playing

[8:43] them and playing through them and maybe

[8:46] recording it for my other channel I

[8:48] don't know it's something I'm

[8:49] contemplating but I've been watching a

[8:51] lot of YouTube about the

[8:53] lore and it's just like find it

[8:57] interesting it's almost like like when

[8:59] did it become interesting to watch other

[9:01] people play and talk about video games

[9:03] instead of just playing the video games

[9:05] because that's what I did yesterday did

[9:08] that all day so and I kept saying why

[9:10] are you just play the game but these

[9:13] videos were actually interesting

[9:15] so you know when did that become a

[9:19] thing and I know that answer

[9:22] before let me address one other thing so

[9:27] when I do something I usually do it for

[9:28] many reason reasons so take my comments

[9:30] for example one of the reasons is

[9:33] because I genuinely feel like after a

[9:37] lifetime of invalidation I have to find

[9:40] that inside of myself and so I don't

[9:43] want to rely on external validation from

[9:47] people who watch me need to find that

[9:49] for

[9:50] myself I think that's important here's

[9:53] the

[9:54] reality I am ready to redefine who I am

[9:58] as a person

[10:00] dramatically

[10:02] profoundly like I can imagine different

[10:04] futures for myself and one of those

[10:06] Futures is

[10:08] just living the night life I mean it is

[10:12] I don't think that's the one that's

[10:16] likely I'm not ruling it out either life

[10:19] is

[10:20] short what makes you happy right I mean

[10:24] seriously life is

[10:27] short you want to like expend your

[10:31] [Music]

[10:33] life not doing the things to make you

[10:36] [ __ ] happy cuz I don't this is a very

[10:39] long 20 minutes still got 14 I am always

[10:43] fascinated I have to go into like fourth

[10:45] gear in order to get up certain

[10:47] Hills like wow you know that's pretty

[10:50] low

[10:51] gear only tells you how steep a thing is

[10:54] so it messes with my um my cruise

[10:57] control though you know

[11:00] here we

[11:01] [Music]

[11:07] go you know what um this particular song

[11:13] I love that it has the flute but they

[11:14] weren't the first they stole from

[11:15] somebody else named scream absolutely

[11:18] love this song I hope I don't get some

[11:20] kind of copyright strike I'm going to

[11:23] die

[11:24] alone I am genuinely ready for the next

[11:27] chapter of my life to dark I feel stuck

[11:32] here CU of

[11:35] these it's good appointment but I'm

[11:38] ready to just go I want to go you know

[11:42] what I wish I could just go driving in

[11:45] my Jeep like cross country

[11:48] alone like I did that a few months back

[11:52] like I really don't want this RV anymore

[11:55] I just want to be out in the world

[11:59] oh

[12:01] [Music]

[12:03] man what is the answer I'm going to die

[12:07] alone really alone I'm going to die

[12:11] alone going to die alone going to die

[12:15] alone really alone we're going to die

[12:21] alone going to die

[12:24] alone alone we're going to die alone

[12:28] going to die alone going to die alone

[12:32] really alone going to die

[12:38] alone this heat is

[12:41] insufferable I don't think it's a heat

[12:43] though I think it's a hum I am woring

[12:45] humidity it's very important

[12:48] number a Bailey had a good day I was

[12:52] worried that the power might go out

[12:54] while I was gone so I turned the

[12:56] dehumidifier off just to make sure they

[12:59] air conditioner stayed

[13:00] on so I really hope that everything

[13:03] looks good when I get there right around

[13:06] the

[13:07] corner I'm signing off now

[0:00] found another one another

[0:03] Jeep I should have turn my vehicle

[0:07] off got to get a nice blue one for this

[0:10] one that is a very beautiful color hold

[0:13] on don't have very many blue ones have

[0:16] to sett up for this

[0:19] one need their little ducks in

[0:23] there hope they don't miss it I used to

[0:26] have one like that I think that's a JK

[0:30] I'm not very good at telling when's a

[0:32] JL

[0:35] um I think it's a JK that right there is

[0:38] why I bought a bulk of little rubber

[0:40] duckies from Amazon I got like 50 of

[0:43] them very

[0:45] cheap and now anytime I see someone

[0:49] who's got some duckies you know I know

[0:52] that they're into it so got to get them

[0:54] get them see there's a Jeep there but no

[0:58] duckies I enjoy that

[1:01] so this is a little [ __ ] up I am on my

[1:03] way home from the dentist and it is

[1:04] taking me through the little town where

[1:06] my parents live because of like some

[1:09] backup or something you know it's an

[1:10] alternate

[1:11] route this town is way out of the way I

[1:14] mean if my parents saw me there they

[1:16] would definitely think I was there for

[1:18] them I don't want to be that close to

[1:20] them like wow like there's something

[1:22] about it just

[1:26] feels I don't even know I don't even

[1:28] know the word for this I this this sucks

[1:31] whatever well on a positive note it's

[1:34] going to take me on the scenic route

[1:35] which I've only taken once

[1:37] because um I went to my parent back when

[1:40] I was still talking to them um it took

[1:42] me that way and it was really beautiful

[1:45] very beautiful road that I had never

[1:46] seen before this is a way

[1:49] I it's just this is really out of the

[1:51] way so oh

[1:54] well okay at least we're going around

[1:57] the town that's good news

[2:00] I'm a little confused cuz it say College

[2:02] Street there a little tiny College

[2:05] there I don't know what find out this is

[2:09] not a place I want to

[2:11] be

[2:13] like I don't know what to think about

[2:15] this I truly don't like this just feels

[2:18] really messed

[2:20] [Music]

[2:24] up there is a part of me that I'm going

[2:27] to admit

[2:28] to there's a part of me that would just

[2:32] love to do drugs all the [ __ ] time

[2:36] and get lost in night life somewhere

[2:38] like Las Vegas

[2:40] or just get lost in the night

[2:43] life I haven't let that side of myself

[2:46] out in a very long time but I'm not

[2:49] saying those are bad memories cuz

[2:51] they're

[2:52] not oh why did I ever

[2:55] stop this one

[2:58] time I dated a coke

[3:01] dealer I don't know what's bringing this

[3:03] up

[3:05] but this was in Detroit

[3:07] Michigan I started dating this coke

[3:09] dealer that I met at a

[3:12] bar he was so hot this man was [ __ ]

[3:16] gorgeous and you know all the free Coke

[3:19] you could

[3:20] have I remember one night we were at his

[3:25] house

[3:27] and we're just cuddling and I started

[3:30] crying I was so happy I just started

[3:33] crying I was so happy this man put me on

[3:36] a train back to ant aror the next

[3:37] [ __ ]

[3:38] [Music]

[3:40] morning oh my God and then he just

[3:42] totally ghosted me I can't remember his

[3:46] name oh that's a good

[3:50] memory

[3:53] epic so I do know I gave up

[3:57] Coke after a couple of fabulous [ __ ]

[4:00] months I mean fabulous for the one and

[4:04] only time in my entire life my nose

[4:06] split I was like okay I shouldn't be

[4:08] doing this stuff that was it for me the

[4:11] one and only time my nose has ever

[4:14] blend I had a very good life in some

[4:16] ways I mean once I came out I just I was

[4:21] a different person I I embrac life big

[4:25] time and I definitely had fun I

[4:30] definitely had

[4:31] fun I was looking for love I guess maybe

[4:36] that's just what I was telling

[4:39] myself nah we had a lot I mean just

[4:42] think Queer as Folk cuz that was

[4:46] definitely

[4:46] mean oh man I used to have so much

[4:50] fun after Coke I Still Smoked pot I gave

[4:54] that up when I was around I think I was

[4:56] 28 years old I feel like I actually

[4:57] remember

[5:00] um can't remember why though it was like

[5:03] and I didn't smoke that stuff for a long

[5:06] time until like a year ago

[5:08] so something convinced me in my own mind

[5:13] cuz it's not like anybody else could

[5:15] have done it I just

[5:18] decided like maybe I was using it as a

[5:20] crutch or something I don't know but

[5:21] anyways soon after that is when I had my

[5:24] first panic attack I'm sure those two

[5:25] things are related and I'd been on

[5:28] clopin ever since

[5:31] I want to get off that I mean we're down

[5:33] to a quarter of a

[5:34] milligram I've been thinking maybe maybe

[5:37] it's time I didn't get through the

[5:38] tramad doll you know I feel like I'm

[5:41] over that you know my mother used that

[5:44] as ammunition against me because I went

[5:46] to her house one day and I told her

[5:48] because I had a video about this where I

[5:51] had been talking to Ai and AI had told

[5:53] me um about how my neurotransmitters

[5:56] were all just messed up from being

[5:57] through withraw and how it takes takes

[5:59] time for that to get

[6:03] better and so I kind of came up with a

[6:06] joke about it and I said I can't really

[6:07] trust my own mind right now I said that

[6:09] in a video and I it was a joke it was a

[6:12] joke I me it was half serious but it was

[6:14] mostly a joke and my mother used that

[6:17] twice in conversations with her when I

[6:19] was talking about getting Oliver she

[6:21] said I don't know if I can trust you

[6:22] right now you said so

[6:25] yourself I truly don't know what took me

[6:29] so long to finally abandon those two

[6:31] because they [ __ ] deserved it a long

[6:34] ass time

[6:35] ago so I'm pretty much almost back I

[6:38] guess I still got 20 minutes to go there

[6:41] is one thing I wanted to talk

[6:43] about cuz I just haven't acknowledged

[6:45] this on my channel yet and I think it's

[6:47] time um I don't like the RV lifestyle

[6:50] I'm not enjoying this at all like I

[6:53] literally do not seem to like any aspect

[6:56] of this right now so I don't like the

[6:58] small space I don't like the

[7:00] insufferable heat I feel like Bailey's

[7:04] bored to

[7:05] tears you know um I'm I hate being on

[7:08] campgrounds by you know around a bunch

[7:10] of people like everything about it right

[7:12] now all the challenges I'm having I am

[7:15] not enjoying any of it I think what I

[7:18] really wanted was to buy some land to

[7:21] have a cabin and when that fell

[7:23] through this was like the next best

[7:26] thing that I felt like I could do

[7:27] because I did have to get out of my

[7:29] house I couldn't stay there I I knew on

[7:32] some level maybe not even a conscious

[7:34] one but on some level I knew that I was

[7:37] I was moving on from my parents like I

[7:39] was done I was ready to

[7:42] just push myself back out into the

[7:45] world and that's what I've done now

[7:48] saying all of that I'm not saying it

[7:51] won't get better I'm just acknowledging

[7:53] how I feel right now I'm hoping um on

[7:56] the 7th I move into the woods so I'll be

[7:58] under a tree canopy I'm hoping hoping

[7:59] that'll be better I'm hoping that maybe

[8:01] my feeling about this lifestyle will get

[8:03] a little bit better plus you know it's

[8:05] partly because I'm stationary I don't

[8:07] like being stationary I do want to be

[8:09] out the driving being different places

[8:13] so I'm

[8:14] hopeful that it's not so much the RV

[8:17] lifestyle as it is the way I'm living it

[8:19] right now so you know stay

[8:22] tuned well I guess I could tell you guys

[8:25] what's going on in my life right now

[8:27] so I started getting into Elden ring you

[8:30] know they just came out with some DLC

[8:31] for I never actually played the original

[8:34] game just a little bit I never like you

[8:36] know got super far and and I never got

[8:38] into the Dark Souls games but you know

[8:41] I'm kind of thinking about maybe playing

[8:43] them and playing through them and maybe

[8:46] recording it for my other channel I

[8:48] don't know it's something I'm

[8:49] contemplating but I've been watching a

[8:51] lot of YouTube about the

[8:53] lore and it's just like find it

[8:57] interesting it's almost like like when

[8:59] did it become interesting to watch other

[9:01] people play and talk about video games

[9:03] instead of just playing the video games

[9:05] because that's what I did yesterday did

[9:08] that all day so and I kept saying why

[9:10] are you just play the game but these

[9:13] videos were actually interesting

[9:15] so you know when did that become a

[9:19] thing and I know that answer

[9:22] before let me address one other thing so

[9:27] when I do something I usually do it for

[9:28] many reason reasons so take my comments

[9:30] for example one of the reasons is

[9:33] because I genuinely feel like after a

[9:37] lifetime of invalidation I have to find

[9:40] that inside of myself and so I don't

[9:43] want to rely on external validation from

[9:47] people who watch me need to find that

[9:49] for

[9:50] myself I think that's important here's

[9:53] the

[9:54] reality I am ready to redefine who I am

[9:58] as a person

[10:00] dramatically

[10:02] profoundly like I can imagine different

[10:04] futures for myself and one of those

[10:06] Futures is

[10:08] just living the night life I mean it is

[10:12] I don't think that's the one that's

[10:16] likely I'm not ruling it out either life

[10:19] is

[10:20] short what makes you happy right I mean

[10:24] seriously life is

[10:27] short you want to like expend your

[10:31] [Music]

[10:33] life not doing the things to make you

[10:36] [ __ ] happy cuz I don't this is a very

[10:39] long 20 minutes still got 14 I am always

[10:43] fascinated I have to go into like fourth

[10:45] gear in order to get up certain

[10:47] Hills like wow you know that's pretty

[10:50] low

[10:51] gear only tells you how steep a thing is

[10:54] so it messes with my um my cruise

[10:57] control though you know

[11:00] here we

[11:01] [Music]

[11:07] go you know what um this particular song

[11:13] I love that it has the flute but they

[11:14] weren't the first they stole from

[11:15] somebody else named scream absolutely

[11:18] love this song I hope I don't get some

[11:20] kind of copyright strike I'm going to

[11:23] die

[11:24] alone I am genuinely ready for the next

[11:27] chapter of my life to dark I feel stuck

[11:32] here CU of

[11:35] these it's good appointment but I'm

[11:38] ready to just go I want to go you know

[11:42] what I wish I could just go driving in

[11:45] my Jeep like cross country

[11:48] alone like I did that a few months back

[11:52] like I really don't want this RV anymore

[11:55] I just want to be out in the world

[11:59] oh

[12:01] [Music]

[12:03] man what is the answer I'm going to die

[12:07] alone really alone I'm going to die

[12:11] alone going to die alone going to die

[12:15] alone really alone we're going to die

[12:21] alone going to die

[12:24] alone alone we're going to die alone

[12:28] going to die alone going to die alone

[12:32] really alone going to die

[12:38] alone this heat is

[12:41] insufferable I don't think it's a heat

[12:43] though I think it's a hum I am woring

[12:45] humidity it's very important

[12:48] number a Bailey had a good day I was

[12:52] worried that the power might go out

[12:54] while I was gone so I turned the

[12:56] dehumidifier off just to make sure they

[12:59] air conditioner stayed

[13:00] on so I really hope that everything

[13:03] looks good when I get there right around

[13:06] the

[13:07] corner I'm signing off now

9:46

Morning Check-In on Sleep, Smoking Cessation, Logistics

Jun 10, 2024

3:26

Dental Appointment, New Piercings, Family Exposure Risk

Jun 10, 2024

10:42

Adjusting to Dentures While Planning Town Errands

Jun 11, 2024

7:00

Cataloging Site Constraints at Two-Week Mark

Jun 12, 2024

7:10

Reorganizing RV Storage and Sorting Kept Books

Jun 12, 2024

1:34

Making Chili in the Crockpot

Jun 12, 2024

1:07

Addressing an Unsolicited Comment on Etiquette

Jun 13, 2024

23:47

Leveling the RV and Rebuilding the Sleep Setup

Jun 13, 2024

5:25

Managing RV Heat Load and Weighing Site Options

Jun 17, 2024

11:44

Modifying RV for Heat Wave Conditions

Jun 18, 2024

7:38

Driving to Walmart, Testing Sleep Setup, Planning Nevada

Jun 19, 2024

7:11

Planning Nevada Route While Holiday Crowds Arrive

Jun 21, 2024

5:33

Documenting Electrical Failure and Requesting Support

Jun 23, 2024

8:13

Booking a Hotel After RV Power Inlet Burns

Jun 24, 2024

18:17

Coordinating RV Repairs on Day 75

Jun 25, 2024

11:17

Clarifying ChatGPT Use and Relationship Status

Jun 25, 2024

16:33

Learning to Cook and Reorganizing the RV

Jun 27, 2024

59:28

Meal Prepping While Recounting Programming History

Jun 28, 2024

4:42

Driving to Lexington, Stating Terms of Family Separation

Jun 28, 2024

15:28

Mapping the Life Timeline After a Dentist Appointment

Jun 28, 2024

11:12

Revising Personality Type, Tracking Nicotine Cessation

Jun 29, 2024

7:30

Contemplating Deleting the YouTube Channel

Jun 30, 2024

6:11

Returning to the Channel With Comments Disabled

Jul 3, 2024

11:13

Duck Runs and Coming Out Story on the Road

Jul 3, 2024

13:11

Driving Home from Dentist, Naming RV Dissatisfaction

Jul 3, 2024

5:47

Reclaiming Direction After Equipment Failure

Jul 5, 2024

11:19

Documenting AI-Assisted Self-Inquiry Practice

Jul 5, 2024

5:51

Moving Day Preparation and Morning Coffee Routine

Jul 7, 2024

9:23

Settling Into New Site After Relocation Day

Jul 8, 2024

18:02

Morning Assessment of RV Lifestyle Fit

Jul 10, 2024

3:34

Re-evaluating the Timeline for Judging RV Life

Jul 11, 2024

3:58

Applying Programming Frameworks to RV Life

Jul 11, 2024

3:51

Addressing Parasocial Comments and Van Life Misalignment

Jul 12, 2024

14:01

Assessing RV Living Constraints and Reassessing Everything

Jul 18, 2024

8:29

Naming Hypervigilance and Its Origin

Jul 18, 2024

3:24

Naming a Liminal State on Camera

Jul 18, 2024

10:32

Addressing Channel Intent and Viewer Response Patterns

Jul 24, 2024

14:34

Tire Escalation, Comment Visibility, and RV Adjustments

Jul 24, 2024

4:12

Responding to Comment on Parasocial Connection

Jul 25, 2024

6:16

Learning Dual Tire Systems, Preparing Monday Service

Jul 25, 2024

119:38

Hiking the 47 Bridges Trail in Kentucky

Jul 27, 2024

PUBLIC

July 3, 2024 rswfire PUBLISHED

Temp 0.20

Density 0.80

Energetic Quality

candid, mobile, unguarded

Journey Phase

transitional — between housings and between self-definitions

Directional Vector

away from stationary containment and family proximity, toward motion and self-redefinition

Narrative

rswfire spotted the Jeep before he had a plan for it. Another one — and no ducks on the dash. He noted that he should have turned his vehicle off, that he needed a blue one for this particular rig, that his blue supply was thin. Somewhere in the vehicle was the bulk order from Amazon, fifty rubber ducks bought cheap for exactly this, the small currency of a recognition system that requires no introduction: someone with ducks already knows. He guessed JK, allowed he was not good at telling JK from JL, and moved on. Then another Jeep, no ducks at all. He let that pass too.

The route changed on him. A backup somewhere ahead rerouted the drive home from the dentist onto an alternate that ran through the small town where his parents live — a town, he noted, that is genuinely out of the way, nowhere anyone drives by accident. He said plainly that if they saw him there they would assume he had come for them. He said he did not want to be that close to them, and then he stopped, looking for a word he did not find. This sucks. The road turned before it reached the center of town, and he registered that as good news: at least it went around. There was a College Street, and a small college, and he did not know what to make of either. What the detour did offer was the scenic road, one he had driven exactly once, back when he was still talking to them, and it was beautiful then and it was beautiful now.

Somewhere along that stretch the past came up unprompted, and he let it. He admitted, on camera, to the part of himself that would love to do drugs all the time and disappear into nightlife — Las Vegas, or anywhere that had one — and said he had not let that part out in a long while, and that the memories attached to it are not bad ones. Detroit. A coke dealer he met at a bar, gorgeous, free supply. One night on the man's couch, cuddling, he started crying because he was that happy. The man put him on a train back to Ann Arbor the next morning and ghosted him entirely; rswfire could not recall his name and called it a good memory anyway. Epic. A few fabulous months, and then his nose split — the one and only time — and that was the end of it. He described the years after coming out as a different life, embraced big, fun had and named as fun.

The ledger kept running. He gave up pot around twenty-eight and could not remember why, only that something convinced him in his own mind, because nobody else could have done it. Soon after came the first panic attack, and he said he was sure the two were connected, and he has been on clonazepam ever since. A quarter of a milligram now. He said maybe it was time. He got through the tramadol; he feels past that. He recounted the joke he had made in an earlier video — that he could not entirely trust his own mind while his neurotransmitters recovered — half serious, mostly a joke, and how his mother repeated it back to him twice in conversations about Oliver as evidence against him. I don't know if I can trust you right now. You said so yourself. He said he did not know what took him so long to finally abandon the two of them.

Twenty minutes out, he named the thing he had not yet said on the channel. He does not like the RV lifestyle. Not any aspect of it right now — not the small space, not the insufferable heat, not the campground with people all around, and he said Bailey looks bored to tears. What he had actually wanted was land and a cabin, and when that fell through this was the nearest available move, because he had to get out of the house; he said that on some level, maybe not a conscious one, he already knew he was done with his parents and was pushing himself back out into the world. He was careful with the framing: he is not saying it won't get better, only reporting how it feels now. On the 7th he moves under tree canopy. He is hopeful the problem is stationary rather than structural — that it is the way he is living this, not the thing itself. Stay tuned, he said.

The talk turned lighter and then turned back. Elden Ring, the new DLC, a whole day spent watching other people play and narrate instead of playing, and the question of when that became a thing. Then the reason he keeps commenting on his own videos: after what he described as a lifetime of invalidation, he has to find confirmation inside himself rather than take it from an audience. He said he is ready to redefine who he is dramatically, profoundly, that he can imagine several futures and that the nightlife one is not the likeliest but is not ruled out either. Life is short. The Jeep dropped to fourth gear for a grade steep enough to break cruise control, and he marveled at the math of it. A song came on with a flute line he loves, and he noted the flute was stolen from someone named Scream, and hoped for no copyright strike. The chorus repeated itself across the cab — going to die alone — while he said he was ready for the next chapter, that he feels stuck here because of appointments, that what he really wants is to drive cross-country in the Jeep alone the way he did months ago. The heat was insufferable, though he corrected himself: humidity, and humidity is the number that matters. Bailey had had a good day. He had shut the dehumidifier off before leaving so the air conditioner would hold if the power faltered. Right around the corner, he signed off.

Summary

rswfire records a driving transmission on the return trip from a dental appointment, with roughly twenty minutes left to reach the campground.

He opens by spotting Jeeps and duck-placing ("ducking"), describing a bulk purchase of about fifty rubber ducks from Amazon and attempting to identify a JK versus JL model. A traffic backup reroutes him through the town where his parents live. He states he does not want to be that close to them and that the detour "sucks," noting the alternate path is a scenic route he last drove when he was still in contact with them.

He then recounts earlier-life material: a period in Detroit dating a cocaine dealer, ending cocaine use after a nosebleed, quitting pot around age 28 and resuming about a year ago, his first panic attack, and being on clonazepam since — now down to a quarter milligram and considering coming off it. He describes his mother citing a joking video comment about not trusting his own mind, and states he should have cut contact with his parents sooner.

He makes a direct acknowledgment he says he hasn't made on his channel: he does not like the RV lifestyle — the small space, heat and humidity, campground proximity to people, and Bailey's boredom. He notes the original plan was land and a cabin, and that a July 7 move into the woods under tree canopy may improve conditions. He states he wants to be driving and mobile rather than stationary.

He closes on Elden Ring and lore videos, validation sourced internally rather than from viewers, readiness to redefine himself, and a check on Bailey and the dehumidifier at home.

Environment

Vehicle interior, in motion. rswfire is driving home from a dental appointment, routed by traffic backup onto an alternate path that passes through the small town where his parents live, then onto a scenic road he has driven only once before. Steep grade requires downshifting to fourth gear; cruise control is disrupted by the terrain.

The destination is an RV at a campground, occupied with his dog Bailey. Ambient conditions include high heat and humidity; the dehumidifier was shut off before departure to protect air conditioner load. Music plays intermittently in the cab, including a track with a flute line and the repeated lyric "going to die alone." Recording is dash-facing, addressed to a YouTube channel audience.

Substrate

rswfire holds a position of self-authored validation: after stating a lifetime of invalidation, he locates the source of confirmation internally rather than in audience response, and applies the same logic to his own past decisions (he stopped pot because he decided to, not because anyone else did). The signal builds an explicit ledger of what is not working — the RV, the stationary campground, the small space, the heat — and names it without converting it into failure or requiring resolution. Simultaneously he asserts a wide-open future space, including the nightlife trajectory he does not rule out, positioning identity as something he is ready to redefine rather than restore.

Actions

Performed

•driving the alternate route home from the dentist
•recording and narrating to the channel while driving
•spotting Jeeps and duck-status en route
•naming the parents' town as a place he does not want to be
•downshifting to fourth gear on a steep grade
•stating for the first time on the channel that he does not like the RV lifestyle
•playing and commenting on a song and its uncredited source
•tracking heat and humidity levels

Referenced

•taught himself to identify Jeep models (JK vs JL)
•bought ~50 rubber ducks in bulk from Amazon
•placed a duck on another Jeep
•drove this scenic route once previously, while still in contact with parents
•dated a coke dealer in Detroit, Michigan
•cried while cuddling, from happiness
•was put on a train back to Ann Arbor and ghosted
•stopped cocaine after a few months when his nose split
•stopped smoking pot at around 28
•had a first panic attack shortly after
•began clonazepam and tapered to a quarter milligram
•went through tramadol withdrawal
•discussed neurotransmitter recovery with AI and made a joke about it on video
•had his mother quote that joke back as reason not to trust him regarding Oliver
•ended contact with his parents
•attempted to buy land for a cabin; the purchase fell through
•left his house and moved into the RV
•drove cross-country alone in his Jeep months earlier
•watched Elden Ring lore videos all day
•turned off the dehumidifier before leaving to protect the air conditioner

Planned

•moving into the woods under tree canopy on the 7th
•getting off clonazepam
•possibly playing through the Dark Souls games and recording for his other channel
•redefining who he is dramatically
•returning to motion — driving, being in different places
•checking on Bailey and RV conditions on arrival

Entities

beings

rswfire — Driver and narrator; documents route, history, and current assessment of RV living.

Bailey — His dog, left in the RV with air conditioning running; described as bored in the current setup.

Oliver — Subject of conversations with his mother in which she used his own recorded joke against him.

his parents — No longer in contact; the alternate route passes through their town.

his mother — Quoted his "can't trust my own mind" joke back to him twice as leverage.

coke dealer (Detroit) — Past partner; named as a good memory, whose name he no longer recalls.

places

Detroit, Michigan — Location of the relationship described.

Ann Arbor — Where he was sent back by train the following morning.

Las Vegas — Named as an example of the nightlife future he does not rule out.

College Street — Street sign noted while routing around the parents' town.

the woods / tree canopy — Destination for the move on the 7th; hoped to change conditions.

systems

the RV — Current housing; explicitly named as not working in its stationary form.

the Jeep — Vehicle of the recording and of the cross-country drive he wants to repeat.

Amazon — Source of the bulk duck purchase.

clonazepam — Currently at a quarter milligram; he states intent to discontinue.

tramadol — Prior withdrawal he describes himself as past.

AI — Source of the neurotransmitter explanation that became the joke his mother repurposed.

concepts

Jeep duck culture (JK/JL, rubber ducks) — Recognition protocol between drivers; he stocks 50 ducks to participate.

the cabin / land purchase — The intended arrangement that fell through, of which the RV was the substitute.

media

YouTube — Channel this is addressed to; also where he watches Elden Ring lore.

Elden Ring / Dark Souls — Current interest; candidate project for his other channel.

Queer as Folk — Reference point for his post-coming-out years.

the flute song — Playing in the cab with the repeated "going to die alone" line; he notes the uncredited original source.

Symbolic Elements

Represented archetypes or recurring motifs.

road

detour

threshold

vehicle

canopy

duck (recognition token)

train

gear / grade

small space

heat and humidity

alone

Ontological States

Expressed modes of being or awareness.

transitional (between the house left behind, the campground now, and the canopy site on the 7th)

self-validating (locates confirmation internally rather than in audience or family)

unsettled-by-design (names the current arrangement as not working without converting that into failure)

open-futured (multiple possible identities held simultaneously, none foreclosed)

severed (contact with parents ended; proximity to their town registered as unwanted)

Engaged Subsystems

Architecture engaged in this transmission.

navigational (route forced through the parents' town; scenic alternate)

somatic (heat, humidity, small-space tolerance, nose split, panic onset)

pharmacological (clonazepam taper, tramadol withdrawal, past cocaine and pot use)

relational (parents severed; past partner recalled; Bailey's condition tracked)

infrastructural (RV systems, dehumidifier vs. air conditioner power load)

mechanical (fourth gear, cruise control, grade)

media-production (channel address, second channel, copyright consideration)

identity-architectural (redefinition, imagined futures, self-validation)

Dominant Language

Core motifs or linguistic fields.

I don't like the RV lifestyle

stationary vs. out in the world

lifetime of invalidation / find that inside of myself

redefine who I am dramatically, profoundly

going to die alone

life is short / what makes you happy

I don't want to be that close to them

Narrative

Mirror

You are driving. The route was not yours to choose — a backup pushed you onto an alternate path that runs through the town where your parents live, and you name that immediately: not a place you want to be, close in a way you don't want. You say you don't know the word for it. You don't reach for one. The signal registers the proximity, states the discomfort plainly, and moves on when the road goes around the town rather than through it. Twenty minutes to home. You count them down twice.

Before that, you are looking for ducks. You spot a Jeep, note the absence of ducks on one and the presence on another, describe the bulk order of fifty rubber ducks from Amazon, and select a blue one for a vehicle you identify as probably a JK. The recognition token system is running at full attention while the navigational subsystem is delivering you past your parents' town. Both are active in the same minutes. Neither interrupts the other.

The ledger you build is specific and unhedged. You don't like the small space. You don't like the insufferable heat — then you correct yourself: it's the humidity, and you name the number as important. You say Bailey seems bored to tears. You say you hate campgrounds, being around people. You say you don't like being stationary. You say you don't like the RV lifestyle and that you are not enjoying any aspect of it right now. You attach the timestamp yourself — right now — and you name what you actually wanted, which was land and a cabin, and what happened to it, which is that it fell through. You do not convert any of this into failure. You name the 7th, the tree canopy, the hope that it improves, and the possibility that the problem is the way you're living it rather than the thing itself. The word "hoping" appears three times in a row.

The past arrives without transition and without apology. Detroit, the coke dealer you met at a bar, how gorgeous he was, crying from happiness while cuddling, the train back the next morning, the ghosting, the forgotten name. You call it a good memory. Epic. You say your nose split and that was it — you stopped. You say you stopped pot at 28 and can't remember why, and then you locate the agency anyway: it's not like anybody else could have done it. You state the same structure about validation — after a lifetime of it being withheld, you don't want it from the people who watch you, you have to find it inside yourself. You say you'd love to do drugs all the time and get lost in nightlife somewhere. You say you don't think that's the likely future. You say you're not ruling it out.

The pharmacological subsystem reports position: clonazepam down to a quarter milligram, thinking maybe it's time, tramadol behind you. You recount your mother using a joke you made on camera — that you couldn't trust your own mind — against you twice, in conversations about Oliver. You follow it with a statement about how long it took you to abandon them and that they deserved it long before you did. That is the whole of it. No elaboration, no return.

Present in the cab: fourth gear on the grade, cruise control defeated by the terrain, a flute line you say was taken from someone else, a song repeating going to die alone while you say you are genuinely ready for the next chapter, ready to redefine yourself dramatically and profoundly, ready to just go. You say you want to be out in the world. You say you did the cross-country drive alone a few months back and want it again. Absent: any request, any question directed outward, any resolution. The last thing you track before signing off is whether the air conditioner held while the dehumidifier was off, and whether Bailey is fine.

Queryable Personhood

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Driving Home from Dentist, Naming RV Dissatisfaction

Energetic Quality

Journey Phase

Directional Vector

Tags

Summary

Environment

Substrate

Actions

Performed

Referenced

Planned

Entities

Symbolic Elements

Ontological States

Engaged Subsystems

Dominant Language

Hand your life to anything that reads.