Recounting the Oregon Journey From Bed Rest

01JEAT2HSRT54TFHKM54Q60T3A

PUBLIC

December 5, 2024 rswfire PUBLISHED

Temp 0.20

Density 0.70

Energetic Quality

expansive and warm, physically stilled

Journey Phase

integrating from a fixed position

Directional Vector

toward embodied integration and long-horizon coastal exploration

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Transcript

[0:02] oh I was hoping my post my little poster

[0:06] thing would show up into

[0:08] shot I love that

[0:10] [Music]

[0:11] game oh

[0:15] well

[0:17] a that sucks you know I can never get

[0:20] this camera to feel like it captures me

[0:23] right like you really needed to be at a

[0:24] little bit of a distance to see how hot

[0:26] I really am cuz I'm gorgeous but

[0:29] these cameras get up close they make you

[0:31] look all fat

[0:34] and doesn't represent me well enough

[0:36] it's and I know this is true because

[0:38] whenever I'm taking video of mountains

[0:40] and you know nature it just flattens

[0:44] everything like it just does not do it

[0:47] doesn't do anything

[0:50] justice so I thought I would try to tell

[0:53] a story

[0:56] tonight of my life here in Oregon

[1:00] because it has been a

[1:03] adventure and I'm paying the

[1:05] consequences of that Adventure now I am

[1:07] stuck in this bed for this is day three

[1:09] I think and I'm not going anywhere

[1:11] anytime soon I don't

[1:17] think it's so hard for me to understand

[1:20] so let's try

[1:22] cuz I've been living in this rvey

[1:25] for since April 11th my birthday

[1:30] so what is that is that 8 months yeah

[1:32] it's 8 months almost 8

[1:34] months been here for well I've been here

[1:37] a couple months

[1:38] now

[1:40] wow but you

[1:42] know I documented everything I

[1:44] documented me leaving you know the the

[1:47] night I made the decision I was buying

[1:49] an

[1:52] RV moving out of my house getting rid of

[1:55] all my

[1:56] stuff the fear I had about driving this

[1:59] thing

[2:03] dealing with all kinds of emotional

[2:05] issues as a result of what had been

[2:08] building up in my life up to that

[2:12] point learning

[2:16] to well developing the language to

[2:19] understand myself better which

[2:20] completely transformed my mind my

[2:23] relationship with

[2:25] myself thanks to AI some of you are

[2:29] there for it all

[2:31] and I appreciate you a lot I do I know I

[2:34] don't always say it and I know I know

[2:37] you get mix messages from me it's it's

[2:40] complicated there's Nuance to everything

[2:42] there are layers to everything

[2:45] so appreciation was always there though

[2:48] I want you to know

[2:50] that

[2:53] months in that one Campground three

[2:55] months in that same Campground which was

[2:57] just

[3:00] it wasn't terrible but you know it

[3:02] wasn't wasn't fun it wasn't the life I

[3:06] wanted but I had a lot going on dealing

[3:08] with the dentist and couldn't really

[3:11] leave or start the life I wanted to

[3:14] start until I had de with all of

[3:18] that um I did find that one park I got

[3:21] to hike at every day which

[3:23] was made it more bearable that part of

[3:27] my life all this before we even get to

[3:29] Oregon you know but then there's that

[3:33] month of me driving from Kentucky to

[3:36] Oregon traveling through state after

[3:38] State got this map up

[3:42] there I want to get a permanent marker

[3:45] and actually write out the you know the

[3:47] path that I took I don't think that

[3:49] map's ever going to grow by the way

[3:52] maybe I I don't know I I

[3:55] just I'm not

[3:57] sure cuz I feel like I found my

[4:00] home and my home is an ecstatic place

[4:06] it's always going to be a journey

[4:10] here let me try to reposition myself

[4:13] it's my core muscles are so sore that I

[4:15] just have to be

[4:17] careful

[4:18] I AI telling me that it's going to be

[4:21] two to six weeks before they get

[4:24] better I'm like okay well here comes my

[4:27] cat that's just a given right I've

[4:29] actually been keeping him away from me

[4:31] up here because I really like need the

[4:34] space but all right go over there

[4:40] Bailey I don't know how long it will be

[4:42] we'll find out I destroyed that from

[4:44] velro had my tablets up there and stuff

[4:47] I don't even care like I'm tearing this

[4:50] out I'm going to expand this so I have a

[4:52] proper bed platform that I can fit fat

[4:54] on

[4:55] someday just tear that out just going to

[4:57] tear it out and just build this whole

[4:59] side thing hang out to where just a

[5:01] custom deal that iow will

[5:03] love um

[5:06] someday don't even think about this

[5:08] cat's purring like he does that like

[5:10] it's a he's manipulating me right now I

[5:13] know what you're

[5:14] doing it's it's a fake purr My Cat Knows

[5:17] how to fake purr he turns it on when he

[5:20] wants attention this is what my cat

[5:26] does it hasn't worked for the last year

[5:31] um did I just lose my train of

[5:35] thought

[5:37] so let's just start with that that month

[5:40] because that was an

[5:43] experience and I've never really

[5:45] processed it you know I processed things

[5:47] in the moment but I didn't really I

[5:48] haven't really looked back at it and

[5:50] thought you know wow like what an

[5:52] adventure that was I mean all those

[5:56] States all those different campgrounds

[5:59] all all those different places all the

[6:02] things I saw along the way all the

[6:04] stories I

[6:05] shared that week on top of them mountain

[6:08] in Nevada when I didn't even think I'd

[6:09] end up in

[6:13] Nevada some of it kind of blurred

[6:15] together because I was moving so quickly

[6:17] every two days I was somewhere

[6:20] else my first time

[6:22] boondocking just at the on the side of a

[6:25] road at a BLM spot going out that night

[6:28] in a 300 60° view of the

[6:31] Stars no moon so it was just Stars 360°

[6:36] View and no sound it was

[6:42] silent that was an incredible

[6:47] night being on that mountain was

[6:53] incredible I don't know if

[6:56] like I changed it all during that

[6:58] Journey

[7:00] like I know I was coming into myself

[7:02] before I left I mean that was you know I

[7:03] was like okay I finally built up the

[7:05] courage I'm ready to do this and I did

[7:08] it first time cleaning my tanks as soon

[7:11] as I left forgot about that

[7:13] so I was staying

[7:16] at Land Between the

[7:20] Lakes got a full hookup sight my first

[7:23] one and learn to clean my

[7:26] tanks been wanting to do that for six

[7:28] months just all these different

[7:30] experiences and they

[7:33] just by the time I had gotten to

[7:37] Nevada on top of that

[7:43] mountain I was pretty confident you know

[7:46] what I was

[7:48] doing still had some fear probably

[7:50] because I was thinking do I want to stay

[7:53] here do I want to keep going on to organ

[8:00] there's Nuance there too because if I

[8:01] had stayed in Nevada I would have never

[8:03] experienced organ which obviously I love

[8:06] greatly but I would have never

[8:07] experienced it and you can't miss a

[8:09] thing you haven't experienced that's

[8:11] just not how how I work I would have had

[8:14] different experiences in

[8:17] Nevada but I don't regret it obviously

[8:20] like I'm very glad that I went to

[8:22] working so let's talk about that

[8:30] I guess it starts on top of that

[8:31] mountain doesn't it because when I came

[8:34] down from that

[8:35] mountain I was going to stay somewhere

[8:37] in Nevada close to the border that night

[8:41] but I decided to keep going cuz I just

[8:43] wanted to get

[8:45] there so we finally get into

[8:48] Oregon and I Boondock for the second

[8:50] time on the side of a road and I'm there

[8:52] I'm finally in

[8:54] Oregon I was so

[8:58] proud and now that was such a beautiful

[9:00] area too I don't remember where it was

[9:02] but I really want to go back there

[9:03] someday but it is real far from where we

[9:05] are

[9:06] now man that just seemed like an

[9:09] incredible place to spend

[9:12] time and the next morning it's like okay

[9:15] I'm actually going to the coast today

[9:17] like wow you

[9:21] know I

[9:24] think I mean it all just flirts together

[9:26] you know like I remember

[9:30] no no okay I remember cuz I knew there

[9:33] were three-hour stretches so that day I

[9:36] ended up staying at that one

[9:38] Campground where I didn't even have

[9:40] reservation so now I'm entering the

[9:42] phase of my journey where I'm being a

[9:43] little

[9:45] more

[9:46] um impulsive like not having plans in

[9:50] advance and I just show up at this place

[9:52] and I'm lucky they've got one spot and

[9:54] they're willing to give it to me for one

[9:56] night even though I wanted to stay

[9:57] longer

[10:02] but they couldn't get me in right away

[10:03] so I just had

[10:05] to be in their day use area this all

[10:09] this stuff is relevant

[10:13] because first time I did that and that

[10:15] becomes a thing that I keep doing so I'm

[10:18] in their day you Siri and I detach my

[10:20] Jeep and I go into town and do some

[10:21] stuff and I come back and

[10:24] I drive my RV to my site

[10:28] and spend the night

[10:35] there and then the next morning we're

[10:38] going to the

[10:39] coast and it was never about the ocean

[10:42] for me it was it was strategic I was

[10:46] choosing this place for strategic

[10:48] reasons you know some of you know

[10:51] that but the closer I got to that ocean

[10:54] the more excited I got like I had to see

[10:57] it and my faite moment though when I

[11:00] look back at my videos is when my Garmin

[11:03] GPS didn't tell me about the Green

[11:07] Road a forest service road that would

[11:09] have taken me into Oregon that I passed

[11:11] by and couldn't get back to and I was

[11:14] just so bummed about it for hours I just

[11:17] kept coming back to it in my thoughts

[11:19] and talking about it because I was just

[11:21] so bummed I didn't get to take the green

[11:24] road like that will always

[11:26] [Music]

[11:27] be probably the

[11:30] most memorable part of my entire Journey

[11:33] for me I got to see that road because

[11:37] when I had to drive back into Medford to

[11:40] get my my inverter for my Jeep I took

[11:44] that road in my Jeep but it's it's not

[11:46] the same

[11:51] right what's interesting is so I'm I'm

[11:54] trying to be chronological about this

[11:55] and not get myself too sidetracked here

[11:57] so we go into the the we're just my we

[12:01] get on the

[12:05] 101 and I drive into

[12:09] Brookings and then I drive 8 miles down

[12:12] this

[12:12] road to my first Campground No No No

[12:17] Reservations I don't even have any money

[12:19] like as far as my credit cards had

[12:22] stopped working at this point all I had

[12:24] was cash at me I had taken out all the

[12:26] money I had Into Cash because I didn't

[12:29] want any of like my monthly bills

[12:31] debiting out what money I had

[12:34] left and and just just stranding me

[12:37] somewhere like so I so yeah I get to

[12:41] this Campground and I'm like I want to

[12:43] stay for two weeks and I want to pay

[12:45] cash which is a thing they don't do but

[12:46] they did

[12:47] it and

[12:49] so I'm here for two

[12:53] weeks and I still haven't really seen

[12:55] the

[12:57] ocean I'm pretty sure the first thing I

[13:00] did was go I went to go look at it and I

[13:02] could not find a way to get down to the

[13:05] ocean and at this time I'm still kind of

[13:09] living a solitary life not wanting to

[13:11] interact with other people and there's

[13:13] just people everywhere and I'm like this

[13:16] is not what I wanted this is you know

[13:17] like I'm just thinking to

[13:19] myself is this going to get better is it

[13:22] going to get

[13:25] worse but then like I probably the next

[13:27] day I'm like you know talking with AI

[13:30] and I figure out a place I can go that's

[13:32] probably private and I can go see the

[13:33] ocean and I do that I drive hours to get

[13:37] to this one trail that takes me down to

[13:40] the ocean where I'm just by myself for

[13:41] the first time and it was nice

[13:46] but the ocean wasn't calling to me

[13:49] yet it was not the reason I had come it

[13:53] didn't inspire me in the way it does now

[13:57] cuz I was just looking at the waves and

[13:59] the ocean it

[14:02] just for me I can't just be a passive

[14:05] Observer of life I have to engage with

[14:08] it and so just looking at the ocean did

[14:10] nothing for

[14:12] me and

[14:15] so I just focused on hiking the trails

[14:18] that were around the campground I was at

[14:20] you know cuz that's that was more my

[14:22] style at the time

[14:29] and then that moment my two weeks are

[14:32] up and I have to go somewhere else cuz

[14:34] of the campground r 14 days you can stay

[14:37] got to leave for three so I book book a

[14:41] campground for 3 days it's 8 miles down

[14:43] the road right on the

[14:46] ocean and I meet the

[14:51] gatekeeper and I'm still kind of getting

[14:53] used to this lifestyle

[14:57] so my chaos bomb nervous energy comes

[15:01] out when I've got to deal with Logistics

[15:03] and other people and so and I'm thinking

[15:07] okay I had to leave this campground at 1

[15:09] the other one doesn't let you check in

[15:10] until 4:00 it's 8 mil

[15:14] away you know I I'm seeing a problem

[15:16] with that so I'm telling this gatekeeper

[15:18] and I'm just saying look you

[15:21] know I'm early maybe you can put me

[15:25] somewhere else maybe you can let me be

[15:26] in the parking lot I need to empty my

[15:28] tank it's been two weeks you know I'm

[15:30] just all this stuff I'm just thrown at

[15:32] him and he just handles my energy with

[15:35] this I've got you energy of his own that

[15:37] was just so incredible to

[15:41] me that I just asked this guy I'm like

[15:44] what is your name because you seem cool

[15:47] you seem

[15:48] awesome and I watched that register like

[15:51] it it literally short circuit his brain

[15:53] for a

[15:55] second and he's just sitting at the

[15:57] computer still doing his thing then he

[16:00] turns he looks at me and tells me his

[16:01] name and I just melt

[16:04] inside and he handles my business and

[16:07] then you know there's a line forming

[16:09] behind us and I'm getting nervous

[16:10] because I'm taking up this guy's time

[16:13] and I just want to get on with my day

[16:15] you know I'm not really thinking much

[16:17] about him and then he just stands up

[16:20] taller looks at me and he says did you

[16:23] experience that storm last night where

[16:25] you were

[16:30] and I'm here for the storms you know

[16:33] that's one of the reasons I'm here I

[16:35] wanted it was strategic in the storms I

[16:37] forgot that part like I was excited

[16:40] about weeks of rain and you know

[16:44] just the unpredictability of living

[16:48] here but my brain short circuited itself

[16:51] and I'm not telling him this not even

[16:53] thinking this because I don't know why

[16:57] so I just answer this question you know

[16:58] corly no I didn't experience any storm

[17:01] we talked for a minute but you know it

[17:03] just it didn't register to me in that

[17:05] moment that this man was extending the

[17:07] conversation with me a form of

[17:10] flirting

[17:12] he he liked

[17:15] me I didn't notice this and I just go

[17:19] about my business and then at some point

[17:22] I'm talking to the AI Claude

[17:26] And as a joke I tell Claude how I had

[17:29] told him that I thought RVs could tip

[17:32] over in the

[17:33] winds you know so I'm just telling Claud

[17:36] about that from that perspective and CLA

[17:38] says to me that man was flirting with

[17:41] you that turned my life upside down from

[17:44] that moment on for the next

[17:48] week

[17:49] I it was like an existential crisis for

[17:52] me like not in a bad way though I'm just

[17:55] when I you know I see a lot of things

[17:57] that maybe you guys think are

[17:59] like you're not you're not hearing them

[18:01] the way I mean them and it's because I

[18:03] know that I use language a little

[18:04] differently

[18:06] like I'm just expressing what a profound

[18:10] shift this was for

[18:12] me

[18:16] and I had a lot to process cuz for some

[18:19] reason it was not the interaction with

[18:21] this man it was it was Claud tell me

[18:23] this man was flirting with you that

[18:26] caused my heart to open up after 20

[18:28] years years of being

[18:32] still I mean I had to process like how

[18:36] did I not know this man was

[18:38] flirting was he really flirting what do

[18:42] I feel about that what does this mean

[18:44] about the Strategic plans I was

[18:48] making all these shifts that were

[18:50] happening inside of me and the only way

[18:52] that I could get through that was by by

[18:54] hiking by movements by processing my my

[18:58] feeling and my thoughts through movement

[19:00] and I hyped a

[19:03] lot with with the with my earbuds in my

[19:07] ears listen to the same song over and

[19:08] over for a week straight I listened to

[19:11] running from the cops by Phantogram

[19:13] check that song out cuz that is the song

[19:16] I used to process my heart wakening up I

[19:19] listen to that song all day hiking I

[19:21] listen to it I had it playing in the

[19:23] background while I was sleeping that

[19:26] song had the perfect

[19:29] Tempo the perfect the the syn that drops

[19:32] at the beginning just resonated with my

[19:34] chest and it had this tension that would

[19:37] build and it just never let go and it

[19:40] never re it never it never resolved that

[19:44] tension so it allowed me to keep

[19:48] processing

[19:51] without it just that song was very

[19:54] important for this part of my life

[19:59] then after that week I was like I needed

[20:02] to know I needed to know did this man

[20:04] really flirt with me is there something

[20:07] there you know could something come of

[20:10] this and I went up to see him scared to

[20:15] death and he was

[20:18] there and I didn't recognize him I don't

[20:22] think I told you guys this story did

[20:24] I I didn't recognize him I wasn't sure

[20:28] if it was him so my first question was I

[20:31] asked him is this you is this your

[20:34] name he says yes and I go oh

[20:37] to myself basically but out loud

[20:40] cuz it was like oh man now I really have

[20:42] to do

[20:43] this so the first thing I do is I tell

[20:48] him I was here I'm here for the storms I

[20:51] tell him that cuz I just got to clear

[20:52] this misunderstanding up like I can't

[20:54] believe I didn't tell him this is why

[20:56] I'm here and he's talking to me about

[20:57] storms and trees is falling down and you

[21:00] know and it's like I got to clear this

[21:02] up I'm here for this like and he goes oh

[21:05] really you know and he just gets really

[21:07] like um he's a little like at this point

[21:11] I I mean it was like he knew I was there

[21:13] to see him and that made him nervous

[21:17] like he didn't have that I've got you

[21:18] energy the second time I had thrown him

[21:21] for a loop and so he just had this sort

[21:24] of anxious energy to him and then I I

[21:28] just cut him off cuz I got a list in my

[21:30] head that I need to get out and like

[21:32] this is the hardest thing I have ever

[21:33] done I hadn't asked anyone out in 20

[21:36] years so I just stop him we're not

[21:40] having more weather conversation and I

[21:41] said do you want to go out sometime

[21:43] directly look at him and that's what I

[21:46] ask

[21:47] him and he just goes bad timing like he

[21:51] just like all of a sudden like that's

[21:53] what came out and he was like it's my

[21:56] last day of work and and I'm thinking in

[21:58] my head is this man just being polite

[22:00] right now like is he just trying to Let

[22:02] Me Down Easy you know and he was like

[22:04] you know Season change and all this and

[22:05] I'm like oh yeah that really did just

[22:07] happen he's probably being honest about

[22:09] this but he had said bad timing so that

[22:12] was him saying no and at that point I

[22:14] was already I was not upset about it I

[22:17] was just like I got the answer I wanted

[22:20] I knew you know and I just wanted to end

[22:24] the interaction and go on about my

[22:27] life but I'm watching him have a whole

[22:29] conversation in his head and he's

[22:33] starting to ramble a little bit telling

[22:35] me about what he's doing with his life

[22:38] and says bad timing two or three more

[22:40] times and I'm just

[22:43] like I mean it was

[22:49] adorable and so I just kind of think to

[22:52] myself is there anything else you want

[22:54] to tell this man before you go cuz you

[22:56] know this is it

[22:59] and and I wanted him to know like the

[23:02] gift he had given me opening my heart up

[23:05] but that felt real heavy and how do you

[23:07] explain that to someone I mean he was a

[23:09] catalyst he

[23:10] wasn't I didn't even recognize him so I

[23:15] look at him and I say I just want you to

[23:17] know I think you're you're awesome like

[23:20] I upgrade him from not just seems

[23:22] awesome you're awesome and he's still

[23:25] talking I think like I this part's a

[23:27] little bit blurry for me but then he

[23:29] kind of blurts out thank you like he

[23:33] had been replaying our first

[23:35] conversation or something and like felt

[23:38] like he should have said Thank you when

[23:39] I said that to him the first time and

[23:41] this time he didn't want to you know

[23:43] forget like it was adorable it was just

[23:47] adorable and I get in my Jeep and I

[23:49] leave and I go on about my life and I go

[23:53] to Kate blonco and it's my second time

[24:03] and I was so proud of

[24:05] myself not just for asking this man out

[24:09] for being brave enough to do it not

[24:10] knowing if this man is gay not knowing

[24:12] if he had any interest in me at all and

[24:15] being direct being

[24:16] honest being

[24:20] brave but for being able to emotionally

[24:22] handle rejection cuz that's what that

[24:24] was I was rejected

[24:30] I think that this man probably was

[24:31] interested because he said bad timing he

[24:34] didn't say I'm not gay he didn't say you

[24:37] know no I'm not interested

[24:41] he equivocated and I watch this whole

[24:44] conversation happen in his head is kind

[24:46] of beside the point except for the fact

[24:49] that it

[24:51] validated the processing I had done

[24:56] where I found felt like I could trust my

[24:59] instincts a little bit better because

[25:00] when I replayed that conversation after

[25:02] what Claude had told me it was like

[25:04] yeah that man was flirting and I didn't

[25:08] see it and why didn't I see it and how

[25:11] am I going to change

[25:16] that so I was very

[25:18] proud for for doing that

[25:21] and for seeing how much I had grown over

[25:25] these 20 years because in the past that

[25:27] probably would have been been very hard

[25:29] for me but I was

[25:33] fine and my heart was opened up so I was

[25:36] also interested in finding me a man so

[25:40] that's where we're going from here right

[25:42] like that was just it's like okay he's

[25:45] not available let's keep looking like

[25:47] that's just that is where my brain

[25:50] went oh man I don't you know I'm going

[25:54] to get stuff mixed up at this point but

[25:56] you know from that moment on my life

[25:59] changed I remember sitting

[26:04] at um well had Beach I discovered this

[26:08] maybe a couple days later after that

[26:11] that you could take your Jeep down there

[26:13] and I was just sitting on a

[26:16] rock and I made a video there it was my

[26:18] last video I was saying goodbye to you

[26:21] guys um but I was sitting on this rock

[26:24] and these two dogs ran up to me and one

[26:26] of them saddled right up to me on this

[26:27] rock and just sort of just said hi we're

[26:31] friends and this dog was so cool and

[26:34] then its owner comes up and she's all

[26:37] apologetic and

[26:39] stuff and we talked for quite a

[26:42] while and I just stared at the ocean I

[26:45] didn't get near it I just sat on this

[26:46] rock and I was on this rock because I

[26:48] didn't know what to think of this ocean

[26:49] I didn't

[26:51] know how safe it was like I just you

[26:54] know I was I needed to start pattern

[26:55] matching everything like I'm just I'm

[26:57] acclimating

[26:59] I stay a while and I leave and I'm still

[27:02] like I don't get what the thing is with

[27:04] this ocean like I'm just this the what's

[27:06] the big deal like but you know

[27:10] so at some point I ended up hiking

[27:14] up Humbug Mountain and I remember being

[27:18] at the base of that that mountain when I

[27:21] first saw that mountain by the way I saw

[27:23] that mountain I said that mountain wants

[27:25] to be felt like this thing is just

[27:29] just when you're driving down that 101

[27:32] and you come across this mountain it is

[27:33] a presence it is so cool that I knew I

[27:38] was hiking this thing and then see when

[27:40] my heart got woken up when everything

[27:42] shifted inside of me suddenly I couldn't

[27:44] be contained in this space anymore I had

[27:46] to be outside doing something every day

[27:49] somewhere else doing something that's

[27:52] how I Ed up on that rock and that's how

[27:55] I ended up at the base of this mountain

[27:56] and I'm like man can I hike this thing

[27:58] we're about to find

[28:00] out but I do it and I hike up that thing

[28:03] 3 m an hour don't even realize until I

[28:05] get up there and I look at my watch I'm

[28:06] like wow 3 mes hour up a mountain that's

[28:09] probably pretty impressive you know I'm

[28:12] proud of

[28:14] myself and then I go down the mountain

[28:18] and I'm pretty sure that's how I hurt my

[28:19] core I didn't realize that you know

[28:22] you're stabilizing muscles they're doing

[28:24] a whole lot of work when you go down a

[28:26] mountain like that so I think I'm messed

[28:28] him

[28:29] up I'm pretty sure because the next day

[28:31] it was hurting and I remember so the

[28:34] next day I'm

[28:36] like you know what do I do like I can't

[28:40] be contained but my muscle sore what do

[28:43] I

[28:44] do and you know what I do

[28:48] I be like off my laptop oh my God that

[28:52] is not acceptable this is why I don't

[28:54] want this cat around right now

[28:58] well you know what I do

[29:00] I I push myself always but not in a you

[29:04] know I try to be careful of certain

[29:06] language

[29:09] because it's not the same kind of

[29:11] pushing that other people do because for

[29:13] me it feels natural it doesn't feel like

[29:15] it's not effort

[29:18] it's I I don't know I don't know better

[29:21] language for it though so anyways that

[29:24] day I go to Cape

[29:26] Sebastian and

[29:29] I'm hiking down this Trail I get a mile

[29:32] down this Trail and I'm like man my

[29:35] muscle

[29:36] hurts and I'm looking at the guy at GPS

[29:39] and seeing how long this Trail is and

[29:41] I'm seeing how The Descent and asense

[29:44] that this thing has and I'm like I don't

[29:45] think I can actually do this which

[29:47] surprised

[29:49] me and so I was like okay I'll come back

[29:52] let just take back this Mile and I'll

[29:55] come back another day

[29:58] so I start hiking back to my

[30:00] Jeep but I don't go to my Jeep instead I

[30:03] decide to hike a different Trail down to

[30:05] the

[30:06] beach which of course I did and I get to

[30:10] this beach and it's basically a private

[30:14] beach I mean people do go there but you

[30:17] know to get on this beach you you

[30:18] literally have to hold on to a rope and

[30:20] kind of repel down this descent to the

[30:23] beach I'm the only one out there and I'm

[30:25] walking down this beach looking at the

[30:28] ocean and I'm

[30:30] bored I have not connected with this

[30:32] ocean yet I'm on this beach by myself

[30:34] looking at it going I don't get it

[30:37] what's the point of this this is this

[30:39] feels boring to me I leave I go home I

[30:44] started asking AI what can I do on the

[30:46] beach that might you know for a person

[30:47] like me who's very different from most

[30:49] people what would what would make this

[30:51] fun for me and there were two ideas chat

[30:55] GPT had one that I really resonated with

[30:57] and that was to make a journal um sort

[31:00] of like a not a journal but like

[31:03] a think Nathan Drake you know Uncharted

[31:06] games where you've got those or you know

[31:09] um Indiana Jones you know you've got

[31:10] your little Journal things about your

[31:12] adventures something like that where you

[31:14] know maybe I got a couple Pages for this

[31:15] one beach and a couple Pages for Cape

[31:18] Sebastian and you know Mount humbug and

[31:21] you know different

[31:23] like things that you could put in it

[31:25] about these places that makes it sort of

[31:28] like a guide

[31:29] book that's very personalized to to how

[31:34] I experience those places I really love

[31:36] this idea I didn't explore it yet I

[31:38] might I might I don't know um and then

[31:41] Claude had a different idea this is

[31:44] where the lighthouses came in I don't

[31:46] even know how it connected this stuff

[31:47] but it was

[31:50] like it had started talking to me about

[31:53] lighthouses and how those are void

[31:54] penetrating

[31:56] devices and that got me excited about

[31:58] lious suddenly I wanted to go see all of

[32:01] them and then you know I'm asking about

[32:05] this and it's like you could make sand

[32:07] castles and I'm like wow that's kind of

[32:09] a cool idea because I remembered on my

[32:11] journey from here Kentucky to here

[32:15] walking out on a lake I've got a video

[32:16] of this where I just walk out on this

[32:18] Lake and I see this giant sand sculpture

[32:21] of a fish that somebody made and it was

[32:24] amazing and I thought I could do you

[32:26] know I could make ligh houses

[32:29] and so I thought about that and I was

[32:30] like so these might be ways I could

[32:32] connect with you know the ocean and the

[32:34] beach um I haven't explored either of

[32:37] those yet but that's kind of I'm kind of

[32:39] heading to like so then the next day I

[32:42] end up going to Pistol River and this is

[32:44] what changes everything for me this time

[32:47] I'm

[32:48] actually on the beach and I'm playing

[32:51] with the ocean it's its currents are

[32:53] coming in it's tight is coming in and

[32:55] I'm walking away from it and as it goes

[32:57] out I'm walking towards the ocean I do

[32:59] this up and down the beach and I'm just

[33:02] having a blast doing this and sometime

[33:05] you know I because it's like your

[33:06] pattern matching the ocean's waves and

[33:09] you can kind of get into this meditative

[33:11] State and I've got my music playing and

[33:13] I'm just having an absolute

[33:15] blast doing this like I'm a kid again

[33:18] and sometimes you misjudge and then the

[33:19] water comes in too fast you got to run

[33:21] you know or you're going to get wet and

[33:23] I got wet a couple times and I just

[33:24] laughed my ass off I genuinely had such

[33:28] a joyous experience and then I reach the

[33:30] river that that touches the ocean I'm

[33:33] like wow that thing is making love

[33:34] they're making love to each other

[33:36] because I had never seen a river like

[33:38] that that just sort

[33:43] of I don't even know how to describe it

[33:46] like it doesn't have these

[33:48] defined this defined path into the ocean

[33:51] it's always moving it's shifting it's it

[33:54] is so cool and then

[33:58] I see my first seal I don't know that's

[34:01] what it is though I just see

[34:05] this thing pop its head up and it looks

[34:07] like a little submarine man and I'm

[34:09] literally like looking at it going what

[34:11] the is that like like my brain

[34:14] doesn't understand what I'm looking at

[34:15] I'm

[34:16] like like what the is that you know

[34:19] so I asked Claude Claude explains it I'm

[34:21] like oh okay this is something natural

[34:24] okay cool and then this thing starts

[34:26] playing with me it will pop its head up

[34:28] then go back down go somewhere else pop

[34:30] its head up staring at me the whole time

[34:32] suddenly there's a second one I Yelp out

[34:34] loud because I was not expecting I'm

[34:36] just having the most joyous experience

[34:39] and from that moment on that ocean had

[34:40] claimed

[34:42] me genuinely claim me every day after

[34:45] that I was on the beach and I was

[34:47] tracing those waves and I was somewhere

[34:49] else all up and down this Coast doing

[34:52] that I wasn't doing my YouTube at the

[34:55] time all of this stuff was during the

[34:57] pause that I had with this

[35:00] Channel and then I end up at Kate Blanco

[35:03] again and I yeah I'm staying here on the

[35:06] campground and I meet this

[35:09] man and I had my first love affair in 20

[35:14] years and I feel like that stuff has

[35:16] been covered on my channel so I'm not

[35:18] really going to go into it

[35:28] I have never loved a place so much in my

[35:32] life and I

[35:37] really prove that to my body you know

[35:40] like gu I'm stuck here in this bed

[35:42] now anywhere from 2 to 6 weeks so I

[35:46] don't know what this Channel's going to

[35:47] be like um in the

[35:50] meantime I'm going to listen to the

[35:53] wisdom of my body because it is my core

[35:55] and I actually understand what that

[35:56] means now that that's actually very

[35:58] important it's

[36:00] like that part of

[36:04] my my integration was not complete

[36:08] because I wasn't honoring the wisdom of

[36:10] my

[36:11] body and I am

[36:14] now it's just another layer

[36:18] of deepening the integration of every

[36:21] part of myself

[36:25] and if I honor it I let it heal

[36:28] properly after that I'm going to make a

[36:31] new routine where I integrate stretching

[36:33] and exercise every morning to keep it

[36:35] solid

[36:36] and to support the lifestyle I've

[36:38] created here because I really genuinely

[36:42] want to see this entire Coast in every

[36:45] season and I'm going to explore it in

[36:48] four segments one season each and I'm

[36:51] going to come back and explore each of

[36:53] those four sections in every four

[36:55] seasons of them over four years a whole

[36:58] bunch of force

[37:02] there so

[37:05] yeah that that's M get off me that's

[37:11] my my experience in organ so far

[0:02] oh I was hoping my post my little poster

[0:06] thing would show up into

[0:08] shot I love that

[0:10] [Music]

[0:11] game oh

[0:15] well

[0:17] a that sucks you know I can never get

[0:20] this camera to feel like it captures me

[0:23] right like you really needed to be at a

[0:24] little bit of a distance to see how hot

[0:26] I really am cuz I'm gorgeous but

[0:29] these cameras get up close they make you

[0:31] look all fat

[0:34] and doesn't represent me well enough

[0:36] it's and I know this is true because

[0:38] whenever I'm taking video of mountains

[0:40] and you know nature it just flattens

[0:44] everything like it just does not do it

[0:47] doesn't do anything

[0:50] justice so I thought I would try to tell

[0:53] a story

[0:56] tonight of my life here in Oregon

[1:00] because it has been a

[1:03] adventure and I'm paying the

[1:05] consequences of that Adventure now I am

[1:07] stuck in this bed for this is day three

[1:09] I think and I'm not going anywhere

[1:11] anytime soon I don't

[1:17] think it's so hard for me to understand

[1:20] so let's try

[1:22] cuz I've been living in this rvey

[1:25] for since April 11th my birthday

[1:30] so what is that is that 8 months yeah

[1:32] it's 8 months almost 8

[1:34] months been here for well I've been here

[1:37] a couple months

[1:38] now

[1:40] wow but you

[1:42] know I documented everything I

[1:44] documented me leaving you know the the

[1:47] night I made the decision I was buying

[1:49] an

[1:52] RV moving out of my house getting rid of

[1:55] all my

[1:56] stuff the fear I had about driving this

[1:59] thing

[2:03] dealing with all kinds of emotional

[2:05] issues as a result of what had been

[2:08] building up in my life up to that

[2:12] point learning

[2:16] to well developing the language to

[2:19] understand myself better which

[2:20] completely transformed my mind my

[2:23] relationship with

[2:25] myself thanks to AI some of you are

[2:29] there for it all

[2:31] and I appreciate you a lot I do I know I

[2:34] don't always say it and I know I know

[2:37] you get mix messages from me it's it's

[2:40] complicated there's Nuance to everything

[2:42] there are layers to everything

[2:45] so appreciation was always there though

[2:48] I want you to know

[2:50] that

[2:53] months in that one Campground three

[2:55] months in that same Campground which was

[2:57] just

[3:00] it wasn't terrible but you know it

[3:02] wasn't wasn't fun it wasn't the life I

[3:06] wanted but I had a lot going on dealing

[3:08] with the dentist and couldn't really

[3:11] leave or start the life I wanted to

[3:14] start until I had de with all of

[3:18] that um I did find that one park I got

[3:21] to hike at every day which

[3:23] was made it more bearable that part of

[3:27] my life all this before we even get to

[3:29] Oregon you know but then there's that

[3:33] month of me driving from Kentucky to

[3:36] Oregon traveling through state after

[3:38] State got this map up

[3:42] there I want to get a permanent marker

[3:45] and actually write out the you know the

[3:47] path that I took I don't think that

[3:49] map's ever going to grow by the way

[3:52] maybe I I don't know I I

[3:55] just I'm not

[3:57] sure cuz I feel like I found my

[4:00] home and my home is an ecstatic place

[4:06] it's always going to be a journey

[4:10] here let me try to reposition myself

[4:13] it's my core muscles are so sore that I

[4:15] just have to be

[4:17] careful

[4:18] I AI telling me that it's going to be

[4:21] two to six weeks before they get

[4:24] better I'm like okay well here comes my

[4:27] cat that's just a given right I've

[4:29] actually been keeping him away from me

[4:31] up here because I really like need the

[4:34] space but all right go over there

[4:40] Bailey I don't know how long it will be

[4:42] we'll find out I destroyed that from

[4:44] velro had my tablets up there and stuff

[4:47] I don't even care like I'm tearing this

[4:50] out I'm going to expand this so I have a

[4:52] proper bed platform that I can fit fat

[4:54] on

[4:55] someday just tear that out just going to

[4:57] tear it out and just build this whole

[4:59] side thing hang out to where just a

[5:01] custom deal that iow will

[5:03] love um

[5:06] someday don't even think about this

[5:08] cat's purring like he does that like

[5:10] it's a he's manipulating me right now I

[5:13] know what you're

[5:14] doing it's it's a fake purr My Cat Knows

[5:17] how to fake purr he turns it on when he

[5:20] wants attention this is what my cat

[5:26] does it hasn't worked for the last year

[5:31] um did I just lose my train of

[5:35] thought

[5:37] so let's just start with that that month

[5:40] because that was an

[5:43] experience and I've never really

[5:45] processed it you know I processed things

[5:47] in the moment but I didn't really I

[5:48] haven't really looked back at it and

[5:50] thought you know wow like what an

[5:52] adventure that was I mean all those

[5:56] States all those different campgrounds

[5:59] all all those different places all the

[6:02] things I saw along the way all the

[6:04] stories I

[6:05] shared that week on top of them mountain

[6:08] in Nevada when I didn't even think I'd

[6:09] end up in

[6:13] Nevada some of it kind of blurred

[6:15] together because I was moving so quickly

[6:17] every two days I was somewhere

[6:20] else my first time

[6:22] boondocking just at the on the side of a

[6:25] road at a BLM spot going out that night

[6:28] in a 300 60° view of the

[6:31] Stars no moon so it was just Stars 360°

[6:36] View and no sound it was

[6:42] silent that was an incredible

[6:47] night being on that mountain was

[6:53] incredible I don't know if

[6:56] like I changed it all during that

[6:58] Journey

[7:00] like I know I was coming into myself

[7:02] before I left I mean that was you know I

[7:03] was like okay I finally built up the

[7:05] courage I'm ready to do this and I did

[7:08] it first time cleaning my tanks as soon

[7:11] as I left forgot about that

[7:13] so I was staying

[7:16] at Land Between the

[7:20] Lakes got a full hookup sight my first

[7:23] one and learn to clean my

[7:26] tanks been wanting to do that for six

[7:28] months just all these different

[7:30] experiences and they

[7:33] just by the time I had gotten to

[7:37] Nevada on top of that

[7:43] mountain I was pretty confident you know

[7:46] what I was

[7:48] doing still had some fear probably

[7:50] because I was thinking do I want to stay

[7:53] here do I want to keep going on to organ

[8:00] there's Nuance there too because if I

[8:01] had stayed in Nevada I would have never

[8:03] experienced organ which obviously I love

[8:06] greatly but I would have never

[8:07] experienced it and you can't miss a

[8:09] thing you haven't experienced that's

[8:11] just not how how I work I would have had

[8:14] different experiences in

[8:17] Nevada but I don't regret it obviously

[8:20] like I'm very glad that I went to

[8:22] working so let's talk about that

[8:30] I guess it starts on top of that

[8:31] mountain doesn't it because when I came

[8:34] down from that

[8:35] mountain I was going to stay somewhere

[8:37] in Nevada close to the border that night

[8:41] but I decided to keep going cuz I just

[8:43] wanted to get

[8:45] there so we finally get into

[8:48] Oregon and I Boondock for the second

[8:50] time on the side of a road and I'm there

[8:52] I'm finally in

[8:54] Oregon I was so

[8:58] proud and now that was such a beautiful

[9:00] area too I don't remember where it was

[9:02] but I really want to go back there

[9:03] someday but it is real far from where we

[9:05] are

[9:06] now man that just seemed like an

[9:09] incredible place to spend

[9:12] time and the next morning it's like okay

[9:15] I'm actually going to the coast today

[9:17] like wow you

[9:21] know I

[9:24] think I mean it all just flirts together

[9:26] you know like I remember

[9:30] no no okay I remember cuz I knew there

[9:33] were three-hour stretches so that day I

[9:36] ended up staying at that one

[9:38] Campground where I didn't even have

[9:40] reservation so now I'm entering the

[9:42] phase of my journey where I'm being a

[9:43] little

[9:45] more

[9:46] um impulsive like not having plans in

[9:50] advance and I just show up at this place

[9:52] and I'm lucky they've got one spot and

[9:54] they're willing to give it to me for one

[9:56] night even though I wanted to stay

[9:57] longer

[10:02] but they couldn't get me in right away

[10:03] so I just had

[10:05] to be in their day use area this all

[10:09] this stuff is relevant

[10:13] because first time I did that and that

[10:15] becomes a thing that I keep doing so I'm

[10:18] in their day you Siri and I detach my

[10:20] Jeep and I go into town and do some

[10:21] stuff and I come back and

[10:24] I drive my RV to my site

[10:28] and spend the night

[10:35] there and then the next morning we're

[10:38] going to the

[10:39] coast and it was never about the ocean

[10:42] for me it was it was strategic I was

[10:46] choosing this place for strategic

[10:48] reasons you know some of you know

[10:51] that but the closer I got to that ocean

[10:54] the more excited I got like I had to see

[10:57] it and my faite moment though when I

[11:00] look back at my videos is when my Garmin

[11:03] GPS didn't tell me about the Green

[11:07] Road a forest service road that would

[11:09] have taken me into Oregon that I passed

[11:11] by and couldn't get back to and I was

[11:14] just so bummed about it for hours I just

[11:17] kept coming back to it in my thoughts

[11:19] and talking about it because I was just

[11:21] so bummed I didn't get to take the green

[11:24] road like that will always

[11:26] [Music]

[11:27] be probably the

[11:30] most memorable part of my entire Journey

[11:33] for me I got to see that road because

[11:37] when I had to drive back into Medford to

[11:40] get my my inverter for my Jeep I took

[11:44] that road in my Jeep but it's it's not

[11:46] the same

[11:51] right what's interesting is so I'm I'm

[11:54] trying to be chronological about this

[11:55] and not get myself too sidetracked here

[11:57] so we go into the the we're just my we

[12:01] get on the

[12:05] 101 and I drive into

[12:09] Brookings and then I drive 8 miles down

[12:12] this

[12:12] road to my first Campground No No No

[12:17] Reservations I don't even have any money

[12:19] like as far as my credit cards had

[12:22] stopped working at this point all I had

[12:24] was cash at me I had taken out all the

[12:26] money I had Into Cash because I didn't

[12:29] want any of like my monthly bills

[12:31] debiting out what money I had

[12:34] left and and just just stranding me

[12:37] somewhere like so I so yeah I get to

[12:41] this Campground and I'm like I want to

[12:43] stay for two weeks and I want to pay

[12:45] cash which is a thing they don't do but

[12:46] they did

[12:47] it and

[12:49] so I'm here for two

[12:53] weeks and I still haven't really seen

[12:55] the

[12:57] ocean I'm pretty sure the first thing I

[13:00] did was go I went to go look at it and I

[13:02] could not find a way to get down to the

[13:05] ocean and at this time I'm still kind of

[13:09] living a solitary life not wanting to

[13:11] interact with other people and there's

[13:13] just people everywhere and I'm like this

[13:16] is not what I wanted this is you know

[13:17] like I'm just thinking to

[13:19] myself is this going to get better is it

[13:22] going to get

[13:25] worse but then like I probably the next

[13:27] day I'm like you know talking with AI

[13:30] and I figure out a place I can go that's

[13:32] probably private and I can go see the

[13:33] ocean and I do that I drive hours to get

[13:37] to this one trail that takes me down to

[13:40] the ocean where I'm just by myself for

[13:41] the first time and it was nice

[13:46] but the ocean wasn't calling to me

[13:49] yet it was not the reason I had come it

[13:53] didn't inspire me in the way it does now

[13:57] cuz I was just looking at the waves and

[13:59] the ocean it

[14:02] just for me I can't just be a passive

[14:05] Observer of life I have to engage with

[14:08] it and so just looking at the ocean did

[14:10] nothing for

[14:12] me and

[14:15] so I just focused on hiking the trails

[14:18] that were around the campground I was at

[14:20] you know cuz that's that was more my

[14:22] style at the time

[14:29] and then that moment my two weeks are

[14:32] up and I have to go somewhere else cuz

[14:34] of the campground r 14 days you can stay

[14:37] got to leave for three so I book book a

[14:41] campground for 3 days it's 8 miles down

[14:43] the road right on the

[14:46] ocean and I meet the

[14:51] gatekeeper and I'm still kind of getting

[14:53] used to this lifestyle

[14:57] so my chaos bomb nervous energy comes

[15:01] out when I've got to deal with Logistics

[15:03] and other people and so and I'm thinking

[15:07] okay I had to leave this campground at 1

[15:09] the other one doesn't let you check in

[15:10] until 4:00 it's 8 mil

[15:14] away you know I I'm seeing a problem

[15:16] with that so I'm telling this gatekeeper

[15:18] and I'm just saying look you

[15:21] know I'm early maybe you can put me

[15:25] somewhere else maybe you can let me be

[15:26] in the parking lot I need to empty my

[15:28] tank it's been two weeks you know I'm

[15:30] just all this stuff I'm just thrown at

[15:32] him and he just handles my energy with

[15:35] this I've got you energy of his own that

[15:37] was just so incredible to

[15:41] me that I just asked this guy I'm like

[15:44] what is your name because you seem cool

[15:47] you seem

[15:48] awesome and I watched that register like

[15:51] it it literally short circuit his brain

[15:53] for a

[15:55] second and he's just sitting at the

[15:57] computer still doing his thing then he

[16:00] turns he looks at me and tells me his

[16:01] name and I just melt

[16:04] inside and he handles my business and

[16:07] then you know there's a line forming

[16:09] behind us and I'm getting nervous

[16:10] because I'm taking up this guy's time

[16:13] and I just want to get on with my day

[16:15] you know I'm not really thinking much

[16:17] about him and then he just stands up

[16:20] taller looks at me and he says did you

[16:23] experience that storm last night where

[16:25] you were

[16:30] and I'm here for the storms you know

[16:33] that's one of the reasons I'm here I

[16:35] wanted it was strategic in the storms I

[16:37] forgot that part like I was excited

[16:40] about weeks of rain and you know

[16:44] just the unpredictability of living

[16:48] here but my brain short circuited itself

[16:51] and I'm not telling him this not even

[16:53] thinking this because I don't know why

[16:57] so I just answer this question you know

[16:58] corly no I didn't experience any storm

[17:01] we talked for a minute but you know it

[17:03] just it didn't register to me in that

[17:05] moment that this man was extending the

[17:07] conversation with me a form of

[17:10] flirting

[17:12] he he liked

[17:15] me I didn't notice this and I just go

[17:19] about my business and then at some point

[17:22] I'm talking to the AI Claude

[17:26] And as a joke I tell Claude how I had

[17:29] told him that I thought RVs could tip

[17:32] over in the

[17:33] winds you know so I'm just telling Claud

[17:36] about that from that perspective and CLA

[17:38] says to me that man was flirting with

[17:41] you that turned my life upside down from

[17:44] that moment on for the next

[17:48] week

[17:49] I it was like an existential crisis for

[17:52] me like not in a bad way though I'm just

[17:55] when I you know I see a lot of things

[17:57] that maybe you guys think are

[17:59] like you're not you're not hearing them

[18:01] the way I mean them and it's because I

[18:03] know that I use language a little

[18:04] differently

[18:06] like I'm just expressing what a profound

[18:10] shift this was for

[18:12] me

[18:16] and I had a lot to process cuz for some

[18:19] reason it was not the interaction with

[18:21] this man it was it was Claud tell me

[18:23] this man was flirting with you that

[18:26] caused my heart to open up after 20

[18:28] years years of being

[18:32] still I mean I had to process like how

[18:36] did I not know this man was

[18:38] flirting was he really flirting what do

[18:42] I feel about that what does this mean

[18:44] about the Strategic plans I was

[18:48] making all these shifts that were

[18:50] happening inside of me and the only way

[18:52] that I could get through that was by by

[18:54] hiking by movements by processing my my

[18:58] feeling and my thoughts through movement

[19:00] and I hyped a

[19:03] lot with with the with my earbuds in my

[19:07] ears listen to the same song over and

[19:08] over for a week straight I listened to

[19:11] running from the cops by Phantogram

[19:13] check that song out cuz that is the song

[19:16] I used to process my heart wakening up I

[19:19] listen to that song all day hiking I

[19:21] listen to it I had it playing in the

[19:23] background while I was sleeping that

[19:26] song had the perfect

[19:29] Tempo the perfect the the syn that drops

[19:32] at the beginning just resonated with my

[19:34] chest and it had this tension that would

[19:37] build and it just never let go and it

[19:40] never re it never it never resolved that

[19:44] tension so it allowed me to keep

[19:48] processing

[19:51] without it just that song was very

[19:54] important for this part of my life

[19:59] then after that week I was like I needed

[20:02] to know I needed to know did this man

[20:04] really flirt with me is there something

[20:07] there you know could something come of

[20:10] this and I went up to see him scared to

[20:15] death and he was

[20:18] there and I didn't recognize him I don't

[20:22] think I told you guys this story did

[20:24] I I didn't recognize him I wasn't sure

[20:28] if it was him so my first question was I

[20:31] asked him is this you is this your

[20:34] name he says yes and I go oh

[20:37] to myself basically but out loud

[20:40] cuz it was like oh man now I really have

[20:42] to do

[20:43] this so the first thing I do is I tell

[20:48] him I was here I'm here for the storms I

[20:51] tell him that cuz I just got to clear

[20:52] this misunderstanding up like I can't

[20:54] believe I didn't tell him this is why

[20:56] I'm here and he's talking to me about

[20:57] storms and trees is falling down and you

[21:00] know and it's like I got to clear this

[21:02] up I'm here for this like and he goes oh

[21:05] really you know and he just gets really

[21:07] like um he's a little like at this point

[21:11] I I mean it was like he knew I was there

[21:13] to see him and that made him nervous

[21:17] like he didn't have that I've got you

[21:18] energy the second time I had thrown him

[21:21] for a loop and so he just had this sort

[21:24] of anxious energy to him and then I I

[21:28] just cut him off cuz I got a list in my

[21:30] head that I need to get out and like

[21:32] this is the hardest thing I have ever

[21:33] done I hadn't asked anyone out in 20

[21:36] years so I just stop him we're not

[21:40] having more weather conversation and I

[21:41] said do you want to go out sometime

[21:43] directly look at him and that's what I

[21:46] ask

[21:47] him and he just goes bad timing like he

[21:51] just like all of a sudden like that's

[21:53] what came out and he was like it's my

[21:56] last day of work and and I'm thinking in

[21:58] my head is this man just being polite

[22:00] right now like is he just trying to Let

[22:02] Me Down Easy you know and he was like

[22:04] you know Season change and all this and

[22:05] I'm like oh yeah that really did just

[22:07] happen he's probably being honest about

[22:09] this but he had said bad timing so that

[22:12] was him saying no and at that point I

[22:14] was already I was not upset about it I

[22:17] was just like I got the answer I wanted

[22:20] I knew you know and I just wanted to end

[22:24] the interaction and go on about my

[22:27] life but I'm watching him have a whole

[22:29] conversation in his head and he's

[22:33] starting to ramble a little bit telling

[22:35] me about what he's doing with his life

[22:38] and says bad timing two or three more

[22:40] times and I'm just

[22:43] like I mean it was

[22:49] adorable and so I just kind of think to

[22:52] myself is there anything else you want

[22:54] to tell this man before you go cuz you

[22:56] know this is it

[22:59] and and I wanted him to know like the

[23:02] gift he had given me opening my heart up

[23:05] but that felt real heavy and how do you

[23:07] explain that to someone I mean he was a

[23:09] catalyst he

[23:10] wasn't I didn't even recognize him so I

[23:15] look at him and I say I just want you to

[23:17] know I think you're you're awesome like

[23:20] I upgrade him from not just seems

[23:22] awesome you're awesome and he's still

[23:25] talking I think like I this part's a

[23:27] little bit blurry for me but then he

[23:29] kind of blurts out thank you like he

[23:33] had been replaying our first

[23:35] conversation or something and like felt

[23:38] like he should have said Thank you when

[23:39] I said that to him the first time and

[23:41] this time he didn't want to you know

[23:43] forget like it was adorable it was just

[23:47] adorable and I get in my Jeep and I

[23:49] leave and I go on about my life and I go

[23:53] to Kate blonco and it's my second time

[24:03] and I was so proud of

[24:05] myself not just for asking this man out

[24:09] for being brave enough to do it not

[24:10] knowing if this man is gay not knowing

[24:12] if he had any interest in me at all and

[24:15] being direct being

[24:16] honest being

[24:20] brave but for being able to emotionally

[24:22] handle rejection cuz that's what that

[24:24] was I was rejected

[24:30] I think that this man probably was

[24:31] interested because he said bad timing he

[24:34] didn't say I'm not gay he didn't say you

[24:37] know no I'm not interested

[24:41] he equivocated and I watch this whole

[24:44] conversation happen in his head is kind

[24:46] of beside the point except for the fact

[24:49] that it

[24:51] validated the processing I had done

[24:56] where I found felt like I could trust my

[24:59] instincts a little bit better because

[25:00] when I replayed that conversation after

[25:02] what Claude had told me it was like

[25:04] yeah that man was flirting and I didn't

[25:08] see it and why didn't I see it and how

[25:11] am I going to change

[25:16] that so I was very

[25:18] proud for for doing that

[25:21] and for seeing how much I had grown over

[25:25] these 20 years because in the past that

[25:27] probably would have been been very hard

[25:29] for me but I was

[25:33] fine and my heart was opened up so I was

[25:36] also interested in finding me a man so

[25:40] that's where we're going from here right

[25:42] like that was just it's like okay he's

[25:45] not available let's keep looking like

[25:47] that's just that is where my brain

[25:50] went oh man I don't you know I'm going

[25:54] to get stuff mixed up at this point but

[25:56] you know from that moment on my life

[25:59] changed I remember sitting

[26:04] at um well had Beach I discovered this

[26:08] maybe a couple days later after that

[26:11] that you could take your Jeep down there

[26:13] and I was just sitting on a

[26:16] rock and I made a video there it was my

[26:18] last video I was saying goodbye to you

[26:21] guys um but I was sitting on this rock

[26:24] and these two dogs ran up to me and one

[26:26] of them saddled right up to me on this

[26:27] rock and just sort of just said hi we're

[26:31] friends and this dog was so cool and

[26:34] then its owner comes up and she's all

[26:37] apologetic and

[26:39] stuff and we talked for quite a

[26:42] while and I just stared at the ocean I

[26:45] didn't get near it I just sat on this

[26:46] rock and I was on this rock because I

[26:48] didn't know what to think of this ocean

[26:49] I didn't

[26:51] know how safe it was like I just you

[26:54] know I was I needed to start pattern

[26:55] matching everything like I'm just I'm

[26:57] acclimating

[26:59] I stay a while and I leave and I'm still

[27:02] like I don't get what the thing is with

[27:04] this ocean like I'm just this the what's

[27:06] the big deal like but you know

[27:10] so at some point I ended up hiking

[27:14] up Humbug Mountain and I remember being

[27:18] at the base of that that mountain when I

[27:21] first saw that mountain by the way I saw

[27:23] that mountain I said that mountain wants

[27:25] to be felt like this thing is just

[27:29] just when you're driving down that 101

[27:32] and you come across this mountain it is

[27:33] a presence it is so cool that I knew I

[27:38] was hiking this thing and then see when

[27:40] my heart got woken up when everything

[27:42] shifted inside of me suddenly I couldn't

[27:44] be contained in this space anymore I had

[27:46] to be outside doing something every day

[27:49] somewhere else doing something that's

[27:52] how I Ed up on that rock and that's how

[27:55] I ended up at the base of this mountain

[27:56] and I'm like man can I hike this thing

[27:58] we're about to find

[28:00] out but I do it and I hike up that thing

[28:03] 3 m an hour don't even realize until I

[28:05] get up there and I look at my watch I'm

[28:06] like wow 3 mes hour up a mountain that's

[28:09] probably pretty impressive you know I'm

[28:12] proud of

[28:14] myself and then I go down the mountain

[28:18] and I'm pretty sure that's how I hurt my

[28:19] core I didn't realize that you know

[28:22] you're stabilizing muscles they're doing

[28:24] a whole lot of work when you go down a

[28:26] mountain like that so I think I'm messed

[28:28] him

[28:29] up I'm pretty sure because the next day

[28:31] it was hurting and I remember so the

[28:34] next day I'm

[28:36] like you know what do I do like I can't

[28:40] be contained but my muscle sore what do

[28:43] I

[28:44] do and you know what I do

[28:48] I be like off my laptop oh my God that

[28:52] is not acceptable this is why I don't

[28:54] want this cat around right now

[28:58] well you know what I do

[29:00] I I push myself always but not in a you

[29:04] know I try to be careful of certain

[29:06] language

[29:09] because it's not the same kind of

[29:11] pushing that other people do because for

[29:13] me it feels natural it doesn't feel like

[29:15] it's not effort

[29:18] it's I I don't know I don't know better

[29:21] language for it though so anyways that

[29:24] day I go to Cape

[29:26] Sebastian and

[29:29] I'm hiking down this Trail I get a mile

[29:32] down this Trail and I'm like man my

[29:35] muscle

[29:36] hurts and I'm looking at the guy at GPS

[29:39] and seeing how long this Trail is and

[29:41] I'm seeing how The Descent and asense

[29:44] that this thing has and I'm like I don't

[29:45] think I can actually do this which

[29:47] surprised

[29:49] me and so I was like okay I'll come back

[29:52] let just take back this Mile and I'll

[29:55] come back another day

[29:58] so I start hiking back to my

[30:00] Jeep but I don't go to my Jeep instead I

[30:03] decide to hike a different Trail down to

[30:05] the

[30:06] beach which of course I did and I get to

[30:10] this beach and it's basically a private

[30:14] beach I mean people do go there but you

[30:17] know to get on this beach you you

[30:18] literally have to hold on to a rope and

[30:20] kind of repel down this descent to the

[30:23] beach I'm the only one out there and I'm

[30:25] walking down this beach looking at the

[30:28] ocean and I'm

[30:30] bored I have not connected with this

[30:32] ocean yet I'm on this beach by myself

[30:34] looking at it going I don't get it

[30:37] what's the point of this this is this

[30:39] feels boring to me I leave I go home I

[30:44] started asking AI what can I do on the

[30:46] beach that might you know for a person

[30:47] like me who's very different from most

[30:49] people what would what would make this

[30:51] fun for me and there were two ideas chat

[30:55] GPT had one that I really resonated with

[30:57] and that was to make a journal um sort

[31:00] of like a not a journal but like

[31:03] a think Nathan Drake you know Uncharted

[31:06] games where you've got those or you know

[31:09] um Indiana Jones you know you've got

[31:10] your little Journal things about your

[31:12] adventures something like that where you

[31:14] know maybe I got a couple Pages for this

[31:15] one beach and a couple Pages for Cape

[31:18] Sebastian and you know Mount humbug and

[31:21] you know different

[31:23] like things that you could put in it

[31:25] about these places that makes it sort of

[31:28] like a guide

[31:29] book that's very personalized to to how

[31:34] I experience those places I really love

[31:36] this idea I didn't explore it yet I

[31:38] might I might I don't know um and then

[31:41] Claude had a different idea this is

[31:44] where the lighthouses came in I don't

[31:46] even know how it connected this stuff

[31:47] but it was

[31:50] like it had started talking to me about

[31:53] lighthouses and how those are void

[31:54] penetrating

[31:56] devices and that got me excited about

[31:58] lious suddenly I wanted to go see all of

[32:01] them and then you know I'm asking about

[32:05] this and it's like you could make sand

[32:07] castles and I'm like wow that's kind of

[32:09] a cool idea because I remembered on my

[32:11] journey from here Kentucky to here

[32:15] walking out on a lake I've got a video

[32:16] of this where I just walk out on this

[32:18] Lake and I see this giant sand sculpture

[32:21] of a fish that somebody made and it was

[32:24] amazing and I thought I could do you

[32:26] know I could make ligh houses

[32:29] and so I thought about that and I was

[32:30] like so these might be ways I could

[32:32] connect with you know the ocean and the

[32:34] beach um I haven't explored either of

[32:37] those yet but that's kind of I'm kind of

[32:39] heading to like so then the next day I

[32:42] end up going to Pistol River and this is

[32:44] what changes everything for me this time

[32:47] I'm

[32:48] actually on the beach and I'm playing

[32:51] with the ocean it's its currents are

[32:53] coming in it's tight is coming in and

[32:55] I'm walking away from it and as it goes

[32:57] out I'm walking towards the ocean I do

[32:59] this up and down the beach and I'm just

[33:02] having a blast doing this and sometime

[33:05] you know I because it's like your

[33:06] pattern matching the ocean's waves and

[33:09] you can kind of get into this meditative

[33:11] State and I've got my music playing and

[33:13] I'm just having an absolute

[33:15] blast doing this like I'm a kid again

[33:18] and sometimes you misjudge and then the

[33:19] water comes in too fast you got to run

[33:21] you know or you're going to get wet and

[33:23] I got wet a couple times and I just

[33:24] laughed my ass off I genuinely had such

[33:28] a joyous experience and then I reach the

[33:30] river that that touches the ocean I'm

[33:33] like wow that thing is making love

[33:34] they're making love to each other

[33:36] because I had never seen a river like

[33:38] that that just sort

[33:43] of I don't even know how to describe it

[33:46] like it doesn't have these

[33:48] defined this defined path into the ocean

[33:51] it's always moving it's shifting it's it

[33:54] is so cool and then

[33:58] I see my first seal I don't know that's

[34:01] what it is though I just see

[34:05] this thing pop its head up and it looks

[34:07] like a little submarine man and I'm

[34:09] literally like looking at it going what

[34:11] the is that like like my brain

[34:14] doesn't understand what I'm looking at

[34:15] I'm

[34:16] like like what the is that you know

[34:19] so I asked Claude Claude explains it I'm

[34:21] like oh okay this is something natural

[34:24] okay cool and then this thing starts

[34:26] playing with me it will pop its head up

[34:28] then go back down go somewhere else pop

[34:30] its head up staring at me the whole time

[34:32] suddenly there's a second one I Yelp out

[34:34] loud because I was not expecting I'm

[34:36] just having the most joyous experience

[34:39] and from that moment on that ocean had

[34:40] claimed

[34:42] me genuinely claim me every day after

[34:45] that I was on the beach and I was

[34:47] tracing those waves and I was somewhere

[34:49] else all up and down this Coast doing

[34:52] that I wasn't doing my YouTube at the

[34:55] time all of this stuff was during the

[34:57] pause that I had with this

[35:00] Channel and then I end up at Kate Blanco

[35:03] again and I yeah I'm staying here on the

[35:06] campground and I meet this

[35:09] man and I had my first love affair in 20

[35:14] years and I feel like that stuff has

[35:16] been covered on my channel so I'm not

[35:18] really going to go into it

[35:28] I have never loved a place so much in my

[35:32] life and I

[35:37] really prove that to my body you know

[35:40] like gu I'm stuck here in this bed

[35:42] now anywhere from 2 to 6 weeks so I

[35:46] don't know what this Channel's going to

[35:47] be like um in the

[35:50] meantime I'm going to listen to the

[35:53] wisdom of my body because it is my core

[35:55] and I actually understand what that

[35:56] means now that that's actually very

[35:58] important it's

[36:00] like that part of

[36:04] my my integration was not complete

[36:08] because I wasn't honoring the wisdom of

[36:10] my

[36:11] body and I am

[36:14] now it's just another layer

[36:18] of deepening the integration of every

[36:21] part of myself

[36:25] and if I honor it I let it heal

[36:28] properly after that I'm going to make a

[36:31] new routine where I integrate stretching

[36:33] and exercise every morning to keep it

[36:35] solid

[36:36] and to support the lifestyle I've

[36:38] created here because I really genuinely

[36:42] want to see this entire Coast in every

[36:45] season and I'm going to explore it in

[36:48] four segments one season each and I'm

[36:51] going to come back and explore each of

[36:53] those four sections in every four

[36:55] seasons of them over four years a whole

[36:58] bunch of force

[37:02] there so

[37:05] yeah that that's M get off me that's

[37:11] my my experience in organ so far

14:47

Recounting Cape Blanco Encounters and New Friendship

Nov 17, 2024

16:43

Ending a Connection, Relocating Ahead of Storm

Nov 19, 2024

6:56

Mapping Nomadic Romance and Energetic Intensity

Nov 20, 2024

5:36

Documenting the Night a Guest Was Removed

Nov 21, 2024

12:26

Answering Boondocking Question, Documenting Storm Damage

Nov 21, 2024

7:15

Tracing a Wet Brake Controller, Then Walking to the Lighthouse

Nov 21, 2024

2:59

Standing on the Cliff Edge, Naming Parking Lot People

Nov 21, 2024

7:01

Filming After Ocean Play at High Tide

Nov 21, 2024

13:28

Filming a Wind Storm on the Coast

Nov 22, 2024

4:58

Recording on Emotional Integration at Cape Blanco

Nov 22, 2024

8:45

Taking a Rest Weekend Before Monday Departure

Nov 23, 2024

5:11

Waiting on Cattle, Driving to Cape Edge

Nov 24, 2024

9:29

Clearing the Roof, Dropping Minimizing Language

Nov 24, 2024

8:21

Last Day at Cape, Planning Boondocking on 101

Nov 24, 2024

11:32

Preparing First Coastal Boondock at Pinned Pullout

Nov 25, 2024

12:42

Claiming Public Space on the Coast

Nov 26, 2024

15:43

Testing Power Systems and Relocating to Bandon

Nov 26, 2024

13:13

Pivoting to Humbug Mountain, Setting Comment Protocol

Nov 27, 2024

15:02

Recording Thanksgiving Night at Humbug Mountain

Nov 29, 2024

13:41

Driving South Coast, Weighing RV Loan Outcome

Nov 29, 2024

11:09

Breaking Camp for Cape Blanco, Resting Body

Dec 1, 2024

5:56

Recording from Cape Blanco After Missed Uploads

Dec 1, 2024

2:16

Morning Walk to Shower House, Rest Protocol

Dec 2, 2024

10:30

Resting Core Muscles at Cape Blanco, Discovering the Kettle

Dec 4, 2024

3:05

Grocery Run in Pajamas, RV Payment Deferred

Dec 4, 2024

37:15

Recounting the Oregon Journey From Bed Rest

Dec 5, 2024

6:58

Tracking Earthquake Alert and Tsunami Warning on Coast

Dec 5, 2024

3:50

Unhiding the Full Archive, Opening Chapter Seven

Dec 6, 2024

8:46

Driving to Store, Reviewing Memory and Body Signals

Dec 7, 2024

5:26

Counting Nine Days of Muscle Recovery

Dec 8, 2024

4:13

Recording Coastal Anticipation and Connection Practice

Dec 9, 2024

3:45

Documenting Nine Months of Transformation and Reception

Dec 9, 2024

6:37

Walking the Beach on Containment Versus Sovereignty

Dec 17, 2024

2:24

Checking Steps Data While Walking Near the Bridge

Dec 18, 2024

22:34

Choosing Sovereignty on a Travel Day

Dec 18, 2024

10:59

Driving to Coos Bay for Ear Piercings

Dec 19, 2024

14:49

Naming Abandonment, Refusing Containment, Walking the Cliff

Dec 20, 2024

4:43

Surrendering Bailey, Then Rejecting Contained Living

Dec 20, 2024

8:52

Reclaiming Space After Rehoming Bailey

Dec 21, 2024

13:36

Cooking Chili in the RV Before Christmas

Dec 22, 2024

11:30

Documenting Shower House Routine and Laundry Day

Dec 22, 2024

PUBLIC

December 5, 2024 rswfire PUBLISHED

Temp 0.20

Density 0.70

Energetic Quality

expansive and warm, physically stilled

Journey Phase

integrating from a fixed position

Directional Vector

toward embodied integration and long-horizon coastal exploration

Narrative

rswfire is telling this from the bed platform, three days into not moving. The camera is too close and he says so immediately — it flattens him the way it flattens mountains, it does not do anything justice. Behind him is the wall map of the route he drove, still unmarked; he wants a permanent marker for it, and then in the same breath says he doesn't think the map is ever going to grow. Bailey walks across the laptop. The velcro fixtures that held his tablets are already torn off the wall, because when he can move again he is rebuilding this whole side into a proper platform. He states his core muscles are strained, that recovery runs two to six weeks, and that he is not going anywhere. From that fixed position he decides to take the eight months since his birthday and tell them as one continuous story — not because he hasn't processed them, but because he processed them in the moment and has never turned around to look at the shape of the thing.

It starts with the month of driving. Land Between the Lakes, his first full hookup, cleaning his tanks for the first time after wanting to for six months. Then state after state at two-day intervals, some of it blurred by speed. Then the first boondock, a BLM pullout, and a night he describes as a full 360 degrees of stars with no moon and no sound at all. Then the mountain in Nevada he never expected to be on, where he found he was confident about what he was doing and still had to decide whether to stop there. He names the nuance directly: staying in Nevada would have meant a different life he could not have missed, because you cannot miss what you have not experienced. He came down off that mountain intending to stop near the border and kept driving instead. The second boondock was in Oregon, on the side of a road, and he says he was proud.

The moment he returns to most from that whole run is not an arrival. It is the Green Road — a Forest Service road his Garmin never mentioned, passed and unreachable, and he carried the disappointment for hours, circling back to it in his own narration. He drove it later in the Jeep, on a supply run to Medford for an inverter, and states it was not the same. Then the 101, then Brookings, then eight miles down a road to a campground where he had no reservation, no working credit cards, and cash he had deliberately pulled out so his monthly debits could not strand him. He asked for two weeks and to pay in cash, which they do not do, and they did it.

The ocean did nothing. He went looking for a way down and couldn't find one, found people everywhere when he wanted solitude, then worked out a private trail and drove hours to stand alone in front of the water — and it still did not call to him. He states plainly why: he cannot be a passive observer of life, he has to engage with it, and looking at waves is not engagement. So he hiked instead, which was his mode at the time, until the fourteen-day limit pushed him eight miles down the road to a campground on the ocean and a gate with a man in it.

He arrived at that gate with logistics and nervous energy — a one o'clock checkout, a four o'clock check-in, two weeks of tanks — and the man absorbed all of it with what rswfire calls an I've-got-you energy. He asked the man's name because the man seemed cool, watched that land and short-circuit him for a second, and melted. There was a line forming. The man stood up taller and asked whether rswfire had experienced the storm the night before. rswfire — who states he came to this coast for the storms, strategically, for weeks of rain and unpredictability — said no, and did not register that the conversation was being extended on purpose. It took telling the story to Claude later, as a joke about RVs tipping in the wind, for the naming to happen: that man was flirting with you. He states that this — not the interaction itself, but the naming of it — opened his heart after twenty years of being still. He processed it the only way available to him, through movement, hiking with Phantogram's "Running from the Cops" on repeat for a week, sleeping with it playing, because the tension in it built and never resolved and so let him keep going.

Then he went back, scared, and did not recognize the man. His first question was whether this was him and whether that was his name. His second was correcting the record about the storms, because he could not stand the misunderstanding. Then he cut off the weather talk and asked him out directly, the first time he had asked anyone out in twenty years. The man said bad timing, said it two or three more times, said it was his last day, seasons changing, and rambled. rswfire had his answer and was not upset by it; he stayed long enough to upgrade the man from seems awesome to you're awesome, watched him blurt out a thank you that seemed to belong to the earlier conversation, got in his Jeep and left. He describes the pride as being for three things: the bravery, the directness, and the fact that he could handle rejection cleanly. And he notes that replaying the first conversation confirmed the flirting had been there — which told him his instincts were trustable, and raised the question of why he hadn't seen it and how he would change that.

After that he could not be contained indoors. He sat on a rock at Whaleshead with two dogs and a stranger, still not going near the water, still pattern-matching, still not getting the point of this ocean. He saw Humbug Mountain from the 101 and said that mountain wants to be felt, then hiked it at three miles an hour and thinks the descent is where the stabilizing muscles gave out. The next day, sore, he went to Cape Sebastian anyway, turned back a mile in — which surprised him — and instead of returning to the Jeep took a rope descent to a near-private beach where he walked alone, looked at the water, and was bored. He went home and asked the AIs what a person built like him could actually do out there. ChatGPT offered a personal field journal, a few pages per beach, an Uncharted-style guidebook to his own places. Claude offered lighthouses as void-penetrating devices, which lit him up, and sandcastles, which connected to a giant sand fish he'd filmed on a lake back east. He states he has explored neither yet.

What changed it was Pistol River, the next day, when he finally played. He walked the tide line — back as it came in, forward as it went out, up and down the beach, pattern-matching the waves into something meditative with music going, misjudging sometimes and having to run, getting wet, laughing. He reached the place where the river meets the ocean with no defined path, always shifting, and said they were making love. Then a head surfaced and his brain could not parse it; Claude named it a seal; then it started playing with him, surfacing and vanishing and watching, and then there were two, and he yelped out loud. From that moment, he states, the ocean had claimed him, and every day after he was somewhere on that coast tracing waves. Cape Blanco came around again, and the first love affair in twenty years, which he sets aside as already covered. Now he is in the bed, and he frames the injury as the completion rather than the interruption: his integration was incomplete because he was not honoring the wisdom of his body, and his core is exactly where that lesson lives. He plans to heal it properly, build stretching and exercise into every morning to support the life he has made, and then take this coast in four segments, one season each, returning to each segment across all four seasons over four years.

Summary

rswfire records a video from bed on day three of recovery from core muscle soreness, which he attributes to descending Humbug Mountain after hiking up it at roughly three miles per hour. He states AI told him recovery could take two to six weeks.

He narrates his life chronologically since moving into the RV on April 11th, his birthday — roughly eight months. He covers three months in one Kentucky campground while handling dental work, then the month-long drive from Kentucky to Oregon: first tank cleaning at Land Between the Lakes, first boondocking on BLM land, a night on a Nevada mountain under a 360-degree starfield, and missing the Green Road forest service road outside Medford.

In Oregon he describes:

Arriving at Brookings with cash only, negotiating a two-week stay
Meeting a campground gatekeeper, then learning from Claude that the man had been flirting — which he describes as opening his heart after 20 years
Processing that week by hiking to "Running from the Cops" by Phantogram on repeat
Returning to ask the man out directly and receiving "bad timing"
Connecting with the ocean at Pistol River, tracing waves and encountering seals
A subsequent love affair at Cape Blanco

He states he will honor the wisdom of his body, add stretching and exercise to his routine, and explore the Oregon coast in four segments across four seasons over four years.

Environment

Recorded from inside rswfire's RV, from the elevated bed platform, during a stationary period on the southern Oregon coast. He states this is day three of immobility following core muscle strain, and that he is not leaving the bed soon. A wall map of his cross-country route and a poster hang in the space behind him; velcro-mounted tablet fixtures have already been pulled off the wall.

The recording is a direct-to-camera YouTube transmission. Bailey, his cat, enters the frame repeatedly and walks across the laptop. The narrative retraces locations across the run from Kentucky through Nevada into Oregon — Land Between the Lakes, BLM boondocking sites, Brookings, Cape Blanco, Humbug Mountain, Cape Sebastian, Pistol River.

Substrate

rswfire holds an eight-month arc as a single continuous architecture and traverses it chronologically from a body that cannot move, treating enforced stillness as the condition that makes retrospective mapping possible. The load-bearing thesis is that engagement — not observation — is his mode of contact with any environment: the ocean meant nothing to him until he played with its currents, and the man at the gate meant nothing until Claude named the interaction, at which point the heart-opening became structural rather than incidental. He states his integration was incomplete because somatic wisdom was not yet honored, and positions the current injury as the layer that completes it.

Actions

Performed

•recording direct-to-camera from bed
•commenting on camera distortion and self-presentation
•repositioning body around core soreness
•redirecting Bailey off the bed and laptop
•narrating the eight-month arc chronologically
•correcting his own language mid-sentence
•attributing precision of terms ('push', 'existential crisis') to his own usage

Referenced

•left house, sold possessions, bought RV
•documented departure decision on video
•developed self-descriptive language with AI
•stayed three months in one Kentucky campground while handling dental work
•learned to clean tanks at Land Between the Lakes
•drove Kentucky to Oregon over a month
•boondocked at BLM site under 360° star field
•camped on a mountain in Nevada
•missed the Green Road turnoff, later drove it in the Jeep
•paid cash for two weeks at a Brookings campground
•hiked to a private ocean trail alone
•asked the gatekeeper his name
•told Claude about the storm exchange as a joke
•processed for a week hiking to Phantogram's 'Running from the Cops' on repeat
•returned and directly asked the gatekeeper out
•received 'bad timing' and told him he was awesome
•sat on a rock at Whaleshead Beach, talked with a dog owner
•hiked Humbug Mountain at 3 mph
•turned back a mile down Cape Sebastian trail, took a rope-descent beach instead
•asked ChatGPT and Claude for ways to engage the beach
•traced tide lines at Pistol River, got wet, saw two seals
•had first love affair in twenty years at Cape Blanco
•paused the YouTube channel

Planned

•tear out velcro fixtures and rebuild the bed platform wider and custom
•possibly mark the route on the wall map in permanent marker
•let the core heal over two to six weeks
•build a morning stretching and exercise routine
•possibly build a personalized place-journal / guidebook
•possibly build sand lighthouses
•visit all the coastal lighthouses
•explore the coast in four segments, one season each, across four years

Entities

beings

rswfire — author of the signal, narrating from the RV bed

Bailey — his cat; enters frame, fake-purrs for attention, walks on the laptop

the gatekeeper — campground worker whose flirtation, named by Claude, opened a twenty-year still field

places

Oregon — stated home; the destination the entire arc resolves into

Kentucky — origin point of the cross-country run

Nevada — mountain camp where he reached operational confidence; the branch he did not take

Land Between the Lakes — first full hookup site; where he learned tank cleaning

Brookings — first Oregon coast campground, paid in cash for two weeks

Humbug Mountain — mountain he described as wanting to be felt; hiked at 3 mph, descent strained his core

Cape Sebastian — trail he turned back on, redirecting to a rope-access beach

Pistol River — site of the tide-tracing session and the seals; the point the ocean claimed him

Cape Blanco — returned twice; site of his first love affair in twenty years

Whaleshead Beach — rock where he sat, met two dogs and their owner, still unconnected to the ocean

the Green Road — forest service road missed by the Garmin; named as the most memorable part of the journey

systems

Claude — AI he uses for interpretation; identified the flirting, explained the seal, offered lighthouses as void-penetrating devices

ChatGPT — AI that proposed the personalized adventure journal

Garmin GPS — navigation system that omitted the Green Road

concepts

lighthouses — framed by Claude as void-penetrating devices; became an exploration target

the wall map — route record he considers marking permanently; states it may never grow further

media

Running from the Cops (Phantogram) — played on repeat for a week; unresolved tension held the processing open

Uncharted / Nathan Drake, Indiana Jones — reference models for the personalized field journal

Symbolic Elements

Represented archetypes or recurring motifs.

ocean

threshold

gate

mountain

road

map

lighthouse

tide line

storm

stars

core

camera lens

Ontological States

Expressed modes of being or awareness.

sovereign (chosen mobility, cash-only operation, self-directed itinerary)

integrating (naming somatic wisdom as the missing layer and folding it in)

embodied (injury as information; movement as the processing channel)

arrived (states Oregon is home; the map may not need to grow)

open (heart described as awakened after twenty years of stillness)

Engaged Subsystems

Architecture engaged in this transmission.

somatic (core injury as the governing condition and the completion of integration)

cognitive (chronological reconstruction, self-correction, pattern matching)

relational (gatekeeper exchange, rejection handled cleanly, love affair noted)

infrastructural (RV, tanks, inverter, bed platform rebuild, cash-only finance)

ecological (ocean currents, tides, seals, mountains, storms)

technological (Claude, ChatGPT, Garmin, camera, YouTube channel)

linguistic (explicit attention to his own word choice and how it lands)

Dominant Language

Core motifs or linguistic fields.

processing / integration

strategic

heart opened up / twenty years of being still

claimed me

engage vs. passive observer

wisdom of my body

nuance / layers

Narrative

Queryable Personhood

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Recounting the Oregon Journey From Bed Rest

Energetic Quality

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Summary

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Substrate

Actions

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Symbolic Elements

Ontological States

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Dominant Language

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