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My birthday is in less than an hour. My
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48th
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birthday. I'm excited about
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it. I was smoking my 47th
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birthday. Thankfully, I quit doing that.
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I guess I'm vaping on this one.
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Maybe by my 49th I won't
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be. So, YouTube fixed the issue with my
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account. My subscription service is
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working again. Just happened a couple
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hours
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ago, which got me looking at my old
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videos because I was setting them up so
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that they could be watched on that.
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And I went to the video I
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recorded one year ago today on April
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10th. I was stoned. I was so high that
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night. And I was talking
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about all the things that I talked about
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in my last video just in a different
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way because that was at the start of my
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journey.
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could not have imagined where it would
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take
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me. That is a video you should watch.
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So, I made it
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public
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and that's
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profound. I did exactly what I said I
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was going to do and that is the
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proof. The next
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video was my first day.
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technically posted that one on April
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12th, but it was mostly about April
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11th, my first day. For some reason, the
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clips are backwards. So, you're going to
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go backwards in time if you watch that
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one. That one's public.
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So it starts, you know, it just takes
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you back in time all the way to me back
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in my house and leaving seeing me drive
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off, leaving my house behind, moving my
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new house, my
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RV. There's clips of
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me parking for the first time in the
[2:25]
worst spot I could have possibly picked.
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There's like five minutes of me just
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being lost on my very first
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campground
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and finding it finding amusement in
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it. At the same time, I'm, you know, I'm
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watching this and it's like I keep
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saying it's so bright outside. It's like
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from my perspective
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now, yeah, it was bright outside for you
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because you had spent so many years in
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your
[2:59]
house, artificial light that you your
[3:02]
eyes couldn't even handle
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sunlight. There's so much in those
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videos. So
[3:14]
much cats are in
[3:17]
them. That did not work out the way I
[3:20]
wanted it to. I abandoned Bailey in
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December at an animal rescue here
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because I couldn't handle the stress of
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that
[3:28]
[Music]
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anymore. Very difficult decision. I
[3:34]
think the right one, but still
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very
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tragic. I wish I had left him with my
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mom cuz that's where Oliver is.
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had no way of getting Bailey back to
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her.
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So, no piercings, no
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teeth, cuz the first six months of my
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journey, I didn't have teeth. And I
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still put myself on camera because I
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knew it was
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important. And I couldn't let something
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like that stop me from recording my
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truth, from sharing
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it. So I made a
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choice that matters.
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It has been an incredible
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journey. And that first video, my first
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day, talked about so much. It talked
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about how I had quit my job, how I would
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need to find work again. A year later,
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I'm still trying
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to.
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Um, I even framed it as these are not
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decisions that I would recommend others
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make, but I felt that I had to make
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them. And I did. I can see that clearly
[5:07]
now. And I think I might re
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might change my advice on that. that
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might say, "Now, maybe you do need to
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make those choices just like I
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did. Destroyed my credit, quit my job,
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and risked
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everything and gained so much from
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making that
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choice. It's not
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easy, you know. It's
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not There are pros and cons. It's not
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black and white. I don't have my cats. I
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haven't seen my mother
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in basically a year. In that video, I
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hug her. I tell her I love her. I run to
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my
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RV. Basically, the last time I had any
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real contact with
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her back then. I didn't know I was
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coming to Oregon.
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didn't know what I was doing. I just
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knew I had to get out of my house. I had
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to stop letting myself be contained like
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that. I think I might go through those
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old videos at some point because there's
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probably a lot more there
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that looking back at it
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now might be worth reflecting on.
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And it's there for you too behind my
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subscription service where it
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belongs. I made my journey public for a
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full year and it was not
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wellreceived. But that is not my
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fault. That is what happens when people
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who
[7:03]
are so wrapped up in
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I'm not quite sure how to say
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this. You weren't able to witness my
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life
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because it's so different from yours. I
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think I know that I'm
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different. I also know that my
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difference is not a bad thing.
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never
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apologize for being who I am cuz I'm
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amazing.
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And I'm going to own
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that. My life is not perfect.
[8:02]
broke right now. absolutely broke and
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I've
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got
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challenges. Some good things happened
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today. I'm going to be volunteering
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somewhere that will give me a stable
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place to
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live. I like the
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um I like the campground, the idea of
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it. like I haven't been there but just
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based on what how was described to me
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and the situation very different from
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the state
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parks. It requires me to do some things.
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I have to drive a couple of hours
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somewhere tomorrow. It's just going to
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take a lot of my fuel that I needed for
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scouting. It'll probably take a week
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before I can actually move there. And I
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don't know what I'll do between now and
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that week because I have to leave here
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Saturday
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morning. I think what might happen is I
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will have
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to stay on the side of the 101 at the
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different
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pulloffs for a full week and move every
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day because if you stay too long get you
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in
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trouble. Um, and it will be
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difficult. It will be very difficult.
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It's not something I want to do. It
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doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel
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like I It would also I mean, there's a
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lot of reasons why. I'm not really going
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to go into it all,
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but I think that I have found myself a
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situation that will allow me to build on
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what I've already built over this first
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year. Building some new things in the
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second
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year. I'm very excited for
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this. Learned a lot from my time at the
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state
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parks. Not about me
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because I was mistreated there.
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I was deeply mistreated there for two
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months. I learned a lot about them and
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about
[10:16]
institutions and about the way they
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treat people like me.
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Integrated
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conscious sovereign beings who will not
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make themselves smaller just
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because I'm too bright next to them.
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This is what happens to me now. I feel
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like my existence exposes fragmentation
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in others including my
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audience. But this is not my fault. I am
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just a mirror reflection of what others
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feel is
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missing within themselves.
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But what is
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missed is that I have been telling you
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since day
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one that you can be just
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as always have the
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words. You can reach my level of
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alignment, enlightenment, whatever you
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want to call it. I just don't know what
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word to use here.
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If you look at me a year ago, you will
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see the seeds of who I am
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now. I was
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broken, but I was also whole at the same
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time. I don't know how to explain
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that, but I was broken. I didn't even
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have teeth. I had given up on life for
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years. I had sat contained in that house
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for years.
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And I made a new
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choice and I communicated that choice to
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my
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audience from the very beginning and
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every single day
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since I shared my thought process with
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you.
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Most people only saw the surface though.
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Like you can watch that one video, my
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first
[12:33]
day. There's a lot of complaining in
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there. Well, looks like complaining.
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It's not though. It's not
[12:39]
complaining. It's me mapping a
[12:43]
completely new situation and wrapping my
[12:46]
head around all of it because there's
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not just
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just I don't just focus on negative
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things. I focus on everything.
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everything positive and negative. I
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don't even treat them that way. To me,
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they're neutral. They're just
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observations. They're reality. Me
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mapping
[13:06]
reality. Other
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people project
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negativity and these other emotions onto
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things that I don't. This has been a
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recurring thing throughout my
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life because I don't attach judgment to
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things like other people. I don't make
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value judgments about people, about
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myself, about my
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situation. This is why saying you have
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to look at my life, my
[13:39]
channel without
[13:43]
projecting. I don't know that people can
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really do that. I don't know that that I
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even could do that because we all have
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our own
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frames. And so I've always
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felt I've always tried to explain myself
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not because I I want not because I need
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validation because I want you to
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understand because I'm trying to share
[14:12]
clarity. Clarity is what matters to me
[14:15]
not validation.
[14:19]
And that's another thing you probably
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see through my videos for the past year,
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me explaining myself and then most
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people thinking that's
[14:26]
me wanting to be understood so that
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people would like me more or whatever.
[14:32]
It is not that and it has never been
[14:35]
that. It is me wanting to be seen
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clearly, witnessed as I am, as I see
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myself, as I know myself to be.
[14:51]
clarity. There's just so
[14:53]
much. I don't think that I'm an easy
[14:57]
person to understand even
[14:59]
though I speak with I speak in a very
[15:02]
plain way and I know that I can
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articulate my thoughts and feelings very
[15:10]
clearly. But there is depth and there
[15:13]
are layers. And and when you
[15:16]
add the way most
[15:19]
people
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approach, there's a lot of
[15:27]
fragmentation that will get in the way
[15:29]
of witnessing me
[15:35]
clearly. That's something I had to
[15:37]
contend with on my journey.
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I had to
[15:43]
learn. There's a primary difference
[15:45]
between me and most others. And this is
[15:47]
why I think I cannot easily be
[15:49]
understood because you are not looking
[15:51]
at me from the same operating system
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that I'm
[15:54]
using. It's like a Mac versus
[15:57]
Windows. That's just not
[16:02]
compatible. That doesn't mean we
[16:04]
shouldn't try to create bridges between
[16:06]
us between us.
[16:11]
I do not place value judgment on
[16:16]
people. When I
[16:21]
share my observations, my
[16:26]
discernment about humanity, when I say
[16:30]
you, I'm talking to manity. This is just
[16:34]
a camera in front of me.
[16:37]
I don't see you. I don't even know you
[16:40]
exist. How could
[16:43]
I? I'm the one on this camera, not
[16:53]
you. It's me. I'm just speaking to a
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void of
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people
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and reflecting
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This is so hard to explain and I'm just
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kind of ripping at this point. It's
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going to be my birthday. I keep doing
[17:21]
that. I still got 30
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minutes. I don't know how I'm uploading
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this too long. I'd have to bring out my
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satellite, which would mean hooking up
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my my inverter to my Jeep at 11:30 at
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night. And I think I'm probably going to
[17:36]
do that because it's nearly my birthday
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and this feels important. Feels
[17:41]
important to mark this moment even if
[17:44]
nobody gets this
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far. I wish
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that I could find people like me because
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I do feel
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alone. It's an existential
[18:14]
loneliness because most of humanity
[18:16]
really does live on the
[18:20]
surface and that isn't a value judgment.
[18:23]
It's just an observation.
[18:29]
And I don't and I never
[18:35]
have. I want people to meet me where I
[18:38]
am. That's why the subscription
[18:43]
service. It's a way
[18:48]
of way of holding a door open that you
[18:51]
can walk through.
[18:55]
to start climbing to reach where I
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am. That is not a
[19:10]
judgment. That's clarity.
